Disclaimer: I don't own the music from the beautiful show, Rent. But the rest of it came from the scary place that is my mind.

I stand in line – watching, but not really seeing, hearing, but not really listening. I can't seem to make myself feel anymore. Not since that day almost a year ago when you broke my heart in two and never looked back. I know you love me and I think somewhere deep inside where I can still feel and comprehend emotions, I love you too.

No one could figure out what happened to us. I couldn't figure it out for the longest time – we were so happy together. We weren't overly clingy or mushy in public, but when we were together alone – some of the most precious time we had together was sitting on the couch curled up together, a mass of arms and legs, where no words were ever spoken between us.

My personal belief? You got scared of how serious our relationship was. We could laugh together, cry together, work together, lie together, we were so in-sync it made our friends jealous. You were the yin to my yang. My soul-mate. We were together for several years and then you just cut off communication between us. I was so worried about you those first two weeks. I couldn't find you anywhere. You took a leave of absence from your job and you went out of town and were unreachable. When you came home, you saw me once and couldn't even look at me. Just needed some time you said. You would sit down with me really soon and we would work things out. Now it is almost a year later and I am still waiting for that talk.

I tried to talk to you, write you, call you, but I tapered off my efforts as the weeks progressed. I had to try and move on as you made it very clear you were leaving me behind. I tried to immerse myself in work, but since we both work in the same community, I saw you and heard about you more often then I wanted to. When you started dating again, I felt physically ill.

I forced myself to go on and get out of bed every morning. I didn't live all my life with you; I damned well could live the rest of my life without you. Yes, there was a piece of me missing, but it was a piece that most people never find. I tried to take comfort in the fact that I experienced that perfection and grew as a person because of it. I survived. I didn't date, or expect myself to fall in love. You already had my heart; I just had to learn to survive without it. I made new friends and spent time with our friends when I knew you weren't around. We saw each other across the rooms at parties, but never did we make an effort to bridge the gap. You seemed happy with your new date every week, and I learned to become content with the life I had.

That world of mine that I got used to? It crashed down around my head a few days ago when you decided to write me a letter telling me what was really in your heart. I have always said you were a little corny and when you started out with the song lyrics to Your Eyes from Rent it just proved my theory. Every word is engrained in my memory.

Your eyes
As we said our goodbyes
Can't get them out of my mind
And I find I can't hide
From your eyes
The ones that took me by surprise
The night you came into my life
Where there's moonlight I see your eyes
How'd I let you slip away
When I'm longing so to hold you
Now I'd die for one more day
'Cause there's something I should have told you
Yes there's something I should have told you
When I looked into your eyes
Why does distance make us wise?
You were the song all along
And before this song dies
I should tell you I should tell you
I have always loved you
You can see it in my eyes

Dearest love,

You may laugh at that salutation, but in truth, it is true. You are my dearest love, but I didn't show you that did I? You may not even read this letter – it has been almost a year since I made the biggest mistake of my life. I cut you out of my life, just when I needed you the most. I was scared. You were in every part of me and I couldn't get rid of you. I needed you in ways I didn't know it was possible to need another person and I had no concept of how to deal with that. You were my world and I felt I was fast loosing myself, so I cut you out of my life completely. It didn't work though. You were still there in every morning, every night, every laugh, every tear; you are so deeply ingrained in my heart I don't know what to do. You saw me out with those others; I know you did because I made sure of it. I had some of our friends tell you that I was moving on and finding love again. I never did though. I took them out and then returned them to their homes because none of them ever came close to you. You are still my heart and it has taken me time to realize it, but I'm not scared anymore. I can only hope you will take a chance on me and let me back into your life. I love you, you know that deep down. I will spend the rest of my life making this up to you.

I am going to close this now, before I become totally sappy, but I think it is too late for that.

I love you.


As I stand here waiting, that is what runs through my mind. I always knew why you ran and that you still loved me, I had hoped with time, we might be able to rebuild our life together and resume the path to a happy life – together forever.

I give a bitter smile as I realize what a fool I was. You write to me and end the letter with forever. Forever is just a foolish dream. Time is a jealous mistress. Forever can last an eternity or be over in a heartbeat.

You may ask why I was foolish, you wanted me back, and we could make it all right again. But you can never go back and we will never be together again. You see, I was in denial, I was sick every time I saw you with another woman, sick when I had to get up and face the day without you, but what it took me months to accept was the fact that I really was physically sick – it was more than my emotions and my head. I finally broke down and saw a doctor. The news wasn't good – I had an advanced stage of cancer. Because I ignored it for so many months, it grew strong quickly.

I smile bitterly again. Why can't we get back together? Because your forever ends very soon. Time is against us in this – for I only have two weeks to live. I think the sadness and the pain may have accelerated some stages of the cancer – they tell you the best thing to have is a positive attitude and I lost that a long, long time ago.

So, now I stand here, waiting in line at the airport. Tonight I board a plane to take me to the Mayo clinic where I will live out the next two weeks as comfortably as possible. My family and some of our friends will be coming up to spend this last bit of time with me. They can't believe that the pale, frail women they see now is the once vibrate one they have in their memories.

I decided not to tell you – you moved on and were happy. Or so I thought, until I received your letter. I think that it might be better this way. You will be able to go on and live without me, I know because for a time, I was able to live without you. While our goodbyes weren't pleasant, at least you had a small bit of closure that I never got from you.

The line starts moving again and right before I make it to my gate; I drop a postcard into a mailbox that is nearby. On a whim, I addressed it to you, and send some lyrics of my own to you:

Goodbye love
Goodbye love
Came to say goodbye, love, goodbye
Just came to say
Goodbye love
Goodbye love
Goodbye love
Hello disease