Author: thejade here! Yup, here's another fanfic from my Soul Calibur Humorous Fanfic Series! So far, there's: Gypsy Mirrors (Talim/Cassandra), Hwang's Laundry (Hwang duh/ Seung Mina),Flies on Ivy(Ivy), and Sandwiches for Kilik (Kilik/Xiangchua). Hope you enjoy this one! It's a Raphael one! P. S. Sorry about the jokes about the genders in this one:)
Raphael searched the length of the crowded marketplace. He was searching. No, he wasn't looking for those delectable chocolates that would fatten up any thin maiden (such horror!). Nope, he wasn't looking for those large red roses that matched the color of his ostentatious wardrobe (ah, red…). No, no, he was looking for…
"There's one, sir!" The little blond boy with him pointed—rather obviously—towards a group of beautiful blond maidens.
Raphael rolled his eyes. This kid…
The little boy, Vincent, looked up at Raphael with expectant blue eyes, still pointing—oblivion couldn't avoid his direct fingers—at the giggling maidens seated near the centerpiece fountain. Raphael shook his head.
"We don't point, Vincent," Raphael coaxed, bringing the boy's small hand down.
The pointing finger was back—reddened with intensity—as Vincent continued to point at the maidens. "But, sir!" he protested adamantly. "We've been looking for them, and there they are! Beautiful maidens!"
Raphael shrugged his shoulders. At least this time, the boy had it right. They last three times—the only last times—that they had entered the marketplace to find some beautiful maidens, Vincent translated "Beautiful Maidens" into "No-Man's Maidens." They were the most hideous, oldest, back-cracking, got-beat-with-the-ugly-mallet women Raphael had ever laid his too-beautiful eyes upon.
What in the world would make these hags beautiful? Raphael wanted to scream the last time Vincent pushed him into the skin-hanging arms of a sagging 85-year-old prostitute. The odor was too much for Raphael.
After vigor training—basically, Raphael showing numerous portraits of beautiful women and slicing slits into Vincent's clothes with his rapier—the blond boy had finally achieved Raphael's dream. The group of maidens sitting near the fountain chattered nonstop—go figure—as their long, shining hair and their clean—whew!—clothing beckoned Raphael.
Vincent tugged at Raphael's arm, pulling him out of his reverie of combing one of the maiden's long hair. Raphael looked down at his young apprentice.
He was pointing again.
Raphael grabbed Vincent's pointing hand and started their way towards the golden maidens. "You have the appearance, Vincent, but you don't have the speech," Raphael lectured as he dragged Vincent towards the maidens. "The only way to get the speech is to practice."
Vincent blinked. "Raphael, my mommy said that the speech doesn't matter."
Raphael snorted. "Bah! What does she know? She's a woman!"
"So women don't know what they're talking about?"
"That's right! But don't ever, ever correct them or make them angry." Raphael looked down at his apprentice. "What did I say would happen if you make a woman angry?"
Vincent began Raphael's Female Chant. "Women have the spite of Hera, the lightning of Zeus, and the agility of Hermes. If you make one angry, you make all of them angry. If you try to hide something, they'll find out and play with you like a cat and a mouse. If you try to run, they'll catch you with their carriage and clobber you over the head. If you try to die, they'll bring you back to life because Persephone—a woman—is on their side and she'll grant their wish, and then you'd have to die by the hand of that woman you angered."
Raphael nodded. "That's right, Vincent," he agreed. "Now, what do we do when a woman gets suspicious about our intentions?"
"We play dumb, like all men do."
"Good! All right, here goes." Raphael adjusted his jacket. Vincent followed his suit and adjusted his jacket. Raphael urged Vincent forward. "Your charm! Go!" Raphael shoved Vincent hard. Vincent tumbled forward—right into the lovely arms of one of the maidens. She squealed before helping the boy up.
"Oh, are you all right?"
Raphael brushed his hair to the side. All right…show time. Raphael dashed forward and collected the boy in his arms. The maidens looked at them questionably.
"Son! Be careful! You know that I'm still learning how to mend your clothes…" Dramatic pause. "Since your mother died. I can't lose another loved one to the hard, cruel ground!"
"Aw!" all of the maidens crooned out as some of their hands went to their lips and some shook their head in sympathy.
"Your wife died?" a red-haired maiden inquired sadly.
Raphael nodded. Ok, eyes, do your stuff! A single tear slipped out of his eye. Vincent reached up to wipe it away.
"Daddy, it's ok! Mommy is in Heaven now…" Dramatic pause. "Because all women go to Heaven!"
"AW!" all of the maidens crooned again in unison, their hands over their hearts.
Raphael smiled inwardly as the maidens hugged Vincent sympathetically. Yes! Yes! Lie, Vincent! Lie! MWAHEHEHEHE!
Vincent feigned a teary-eyed expression and approached the redhead maiden. "You look…just like my mommy…" Vincent flashed the woman a sorrow-filled look. "Will you be my mommy?"
The redhead looked surprised at Vincent's comment. Raphael held his breath silently. Come on, Strawberry, come on! Fall for it!
"Oh…" The redhead embraced Vincent in her lovely arms and held him close. "How can I ignore that adorable face? Of course!" The maiden held him closer to her bosom, so close, Raphael was pretty certain Vincent was having a good ol' time feeling those large, round breasts.
Raphael smiled adoringly. Now's my chance. This kid has made it easy for me! "So ladies," Raphael began rather enthusiastically, "would any of you like to marry me?"
The maidens' unstoppable chatter suddenly stopped (probably for once in their lives) as they stared up at Raphael. He felt himself redden with humiliation.
"Why would a woman marry you?"
Huh! What kind of question is that! I'm handsome, that's why!
"I know what you mean, Beatrice."
"He's very pretty. He even has a dancer's slender look!"
"Mariachi dancer possibly?"
Raphael blinked. A what!
"I'm surprised somebody would marry him. He looks like a male prostitute."
"Maybe he's gay. And not the I'm really happy gay meaning, either."
"Son, is your father gay?"
Vincent looked innocent. "Yes, he's always happy."
No, Vincent! We're supposed to be on the same side! Gender versus gender here!
"Ladies." Vincent glanced at Raphael with an evil glint in his eyes. Raphael stared at him in surprise. "Would you like to here some stories about my dad?"
"Are they funny?"
"Yes. Very so, milady."
"Aw! He called me milady! How sweet!"
"Not as sweet as you are, gorgeous!"
"Haha, I got gorgeous!"
Raphael stood, stunned. This little guy…is moving on my territory! Raphael marched up to Vincent and yanked him from between the woman's breasts.
Raphael unsheathed his sword. Another slit in his clothes should teach him—
A high heeled shoe—a nice one at that—met Raphael's nose. Raphael dashed away as more bombarded him.
"Get away from him, you male prostitute!"
"Yeah, be nice to your son, Gay Man!"
Raphael told himself not to take on another apprenticeship ever again.
A/N: Hope you enjoyed this fanfic! Don't forget about my other Soul Calibur Humorous Fanfic Series fanfics! Just look for my name thejade9 and you'll hit them up! Please review! Thank you!