Title: My Everything (1/1)

Author: Sunstar

Rating: K+ (older kids)

Category: S/J, angst, romance, sappy stuff

Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 belongs to MGM, World Gekko Corporation and Double Secret Productions. I make no profit from this story.

Spoilers: Stargate SG-1: Fire and Water, Solitudes, A Hundred Days, Divide and Conquer, Paradise Lost, Grace, Death Knell, Threads.

Content warning: None

Season: 8 (Takes place near the end of "Threads".)

Status: Completed

Summary: Sam realizes what she wants and what she doesn't.

AN: I started this story about 2 years ago, and finally managed to get it done!

Big thanks to my beta readers for checking this!

The song is "I surrender" by Celine Dion.

( indicates song lyrics)

Feedback is welcome and hoped (begged) for but please be gentle.

Archive: SJD yes, my site, (c) 2006 Sunstar

My Everything

The wake for her father was over and she was the only one still remaining at the General's house. Sam sat on the porch, legs drawn up, chin resting on her knees. At that moment a bomb could have gone off next to her and she wouldn't have noticed. She was lost in her own thoughts staring off into space. A CD was playing in the background. Someone had accidentally pushed replay causing the same song to play over and over again. She was absorbed in listening to the lyrics, her mouth moving, as she wordlessly repeated what was being said.

There's so much life I've left to live

And this fire is burning still

When I watch you look at me

I think I could find the will

To stand for every dream

And forsake this solid ground

And give up this fear within

Of what would happen if they ever knew

I'm in love with you

She saw images play behind her eyes, bringing back long buried memories she wasn't supposed to remember. Memories she wasn't supposed to dwell on at all. Memories, not of her deceased father, but of another man dear to her.

She saw him looking at her through a forcefield, his face baring all his emotions. Pain, fear, desperation, love… Her own tear filled eyes reflecting the same.

'Cause I'd surrender everything

To feel the chance to live again

I reach to you

I know you can feel it too

We'd make it through

She shook her head to get rid of the memory but it was only replaced by another one.

He was holding her in his arms, hugging her tight, whispering words of comfort in her ear. Telling her everything would be alright again.

A thousand dreams I still believe

I'd make you give them all to me

I'd hold you in my arms and never let go

I surrender

The image shifted again, replaced by another memory. A gun was pointed at her. She was tired and in pain. She didn't have any energy left to fight. She was sure she was going to die…. until he came out of nowhere and saved her, again. He let her lean on his shoulder and just be. Sit and breathe, gather her strength. She could always trust him to be there for her. No one got left behind.

I know I can't survive

Another night away from you

You're the reason I go on

And now I need to live the truth

Right now, there's no better time

From this fear I will break free

And I'll live again with love

And no they can't take that away from me

And they will see...

The next moment she saw herself on a ship, alone, wondering around the empty corridors. Her head hurt but she was looking for a little girl… little girl that somehow looked familiar… And then he was there, telling her to save herself. She did. She does everything he tells her to do. Her trust in him is complete.

I'd surrender everything

To feel the chance to live again

I reach to you

I know you can feel it too

We'd make it through

A thousand dreams I still believe

I'd make you give them all to me

I'd hold you in my arms and never let go

I surrender

The sun had set a long time ago and the night air around her was cold, but she didn't feel it. The only thing she knew were the fragments of memories that were spinning around in her mind. The song was still playing in a loop, the haunting melody filling the world she was in.

Every night's getting longer

And this fire is getting stronger, babe

I'll swallow my pride and I'll be alive

Can't you hear my call?

I surrender all

A second passed and her thoughts had taken her to the lab in the SGC. She had to finish the particle beam generator and get it to work! To get him back!

Exhaustion was making her weak but she refused to give up. She had to stay strong for him. He needed her help. He'd never leave her behind.

"You miss him… Is this a problem?" Janet had asked her.

"No, of course not."

Who was she kidding?

I'd surrender everything

To feel the chance to live again

I reach to you

I know you can feel it too

We'll make it through

A thousand dreams I still believe

I'll make you give them all to me

I'll hold you in my arms and never let go

I surrender

Another shift, this time it was cold. There was ice everywhere and they were severely hypothermic. She clung to him trying to warm him. She wouldn't let him die, she wouldn't! But she was so weak and freezing. There was no way home. Her thoughts began to drift…. It was an honour…

Right here, right now

I give my life to live again

I'll break free, take me

My everything, I surrender all to you

The images changed more rapidly, her mind was on fast forward. She was back at the SGC, so afraid she had lost him for good this time. She had no idea where he was or how to get him back. In the darkness and solitude of the locker room she allowed herself to cry, cry for him and the things never did and the words never said. He would never know unless they found him. The only one to see her true pain was Teal'c, but he'd never tell anyone.

Right now

I give my life to live again

I'll break free, take me

My everything, I surrender all to you

Shivers were starting to wrack Sam's body but she didn't notice. The tears streaming down her face went unnoticed by her. Her memories and misery were wrapped around her like a blanket holding her still, lulling her into an almost trance like state.

"Carter, whatcha thinking?"

"Carter…?"

The music suddenly stopped and all was quiet. He walked from the CD player back towards her and took a closer look at her.

"Carter?"

He saw her tears…

"Sam…." and sat down beside her.

She was still staring straight ahead and hadn't moved. Jack took in her frozen posture and didn't know what to do.

"Sam…?" He gently laid a hand on her shoulder and stroked her skin with his thumb.

With a gasp she was startled out of her trance and turned to look at him, her watery blue eyes filled with sorrow and sadness.

Jack moved his hand from her shoulder to her back and with gentle pressure eased her towards him.

"C'mere."

Taking in a tremendous breath she fell towards him and buried her face in his neck. His arms wrapped around her and held her while the tremors of her sobs shook her body.

After a while his hand found its way into her hair moving over her head in feather like caresses soothing her both with touch and words while his other hand pulled her closer to him trying to warm her ice cold body.

"Shh… it's okay. It's okay. Let it out, it's okay to cry. I know how much it hurts to lose someone you love."

Her sobs grew harder and he tightened his hold around her not knowing what else to do. He wasn't good with words.

"I know how much your dad meant to you. It's okay to mourn him."

"No, Sir." Sam pulled back from him and looked at him.

"Yes, it's alright to cry. No one will think any less of you." He said while staring into her watery eyes and trying to pull her back close to him.

"No." She resisted. "You don't understand. I'm not crying for my dad."

"You're not?" He looked confused.

"No." She answered while biting back another sob. "I mean, I guess a part of my tears are for dad but he's not the main reason. I'm not crying because of him."

"Then what's the matter? What are the tears for?" He asked gently and moved his hand to wipe a few tears away from her cheek.

"I…I… ….Jack…" She couldn't get the words out.

When he looked into her eyes he saw the same look he had seen years ago behind a forcefield. He saw the desperation and the sadness, the pain and the love. Her eyes were pleading for him to understand without the need for words.

He moved his hand to cup her cheek, his own eyes showing the same sadness and shock for the sudden change of topic, but he didn't say anything.

Her eyes dropped to his chest where her hand was fisting his shirt.

"Before my dad died…. He wanted to know that I… that I was going to be happy." Sam told him her voice quiet and weak.

Lifting her head back up to look into his eyes she continued.

"He told me not to let rules stand in my way… That I can still have everything I want."

Jack stared at her in amazement. He couldn't believe what she had just said.

"Jacob said that?"

"Yes, he did". She said, a tear again making its way down her cheek. "I guess he knew me better than I know myself."

Jack pulled her against his chest again and let her cry. He gently kissed her forehead and let his chin rest on top of her head.

"He knew I wasn't happy." Sam sniffed and looked up again. "And he was right."

"I don't know everything I want" She continued. "But I know what I don't want… and that's this." Sam said pulling back.

Startled Jack loosened his arms around her and pulled back looking at her. Instead of seeing her look at him, he saw her stare at her hand and the engagement ring Pete had given her.

"I don't want this." She repeated and pulled the ring off her finger.

She held the ring in her palm and looked at it.

"This isn't right. This is not meant to be. I never meant to hurt Pete, but I can't marry him. I can't!" She said looking up and into Jacks eyes, her own eyes again filled with the desperation he'd seen before.

"It wouldn't be fair to him." She whispered. "I can't marry a man I don't love.… Especially when I'm in love with someone else."

Jack covered her hand in his and took the ring from her and placed it on a chair next to them. Then he moved his hand back to cup her face again.

"You don't have to do anything you don't want Sam." He whispered back to her. "Just tell me what you do want and I'll do anything in my power to make it happen, I swear." He said holding her eyes in a tight lock with his.

"What about Kerry?" She asked with a sniff.

"It's over. She dumped me. Said I have issues, one big one in particular."

"Oh?" Sam raised an eyebrow in surprise.

"She meant you and she was right. Kerry is not the one I truly want."

Sam moved her hand to his cheek and let it glide to the side of his head, through his short hair, stopping at the back.

Swallowing she spoke. "I don't want anything but you Jack. You're all I want and need and I don't want to lose you."

Jack let out a breath he didn't know he had been holding and again, wiping her tears with his thumb, let a small smile appear.

"Oh, Sam… You won't lose me." He pulled her into a crushing hug wrapping his arms around her back while hers went around his neck. "I'm yours, for as long as you want me."

"I couldn't ask for more." Sam whispered into his neck and slowly pulled back a bit, only enough to be able to look him in the eye.

She smiled a shy, watery smile, stroked his hair and slowly leaned in.

Their lips touched and caressed each other. The kiss was short, but tender and sweet.

As their lips separated Jack leaned in again and kissed her cheeks and eyelids, to dry away her tears and sorrow.

"I don't know what I did to deserve you." He whispered. "But I intend to do my all to keep you." He said and engulfed her again into another big hug.

"Your dad was a wise man."

The End