New Feature! Question of the Day: If I had my legs amputated, would I have to change my height and weight on my driver's license?
A/N: Take back your mink, take back your pearls, what made you think, that I was one of those girls. Huh? Oh hi, uh, you didn't see me singing, ahem, stupid musicals... KAPOW! What's up guys, happy 4th of July! Ahaha, it's been a while hasn't it, like almost ten days since I last updated! Huh, not days? Weeks then? No, not even that? Over ten months! Wow, geez such a long time, well time does pass pretty quickly when you're dead. Yeah, there was this little incident when in the sewers with the alligators and super ninjas that... Oh, that story's for another time. Right now your main priority is to read this fic and... ENJOI!
Chapter 8: Viper Bite
Once again, we join our good friends, the three chosen children, in the midst of their funderful educational experience. After an exciting morning exercise in the NERV simulation room, third child Shinji Ikari struggles to overcome his heavy exhaustion and fulfill the expectations of his senior officer and guardian, Misato Katsuragi. So far Shinji has managed to keep his composure throughout his Spanish class, just barely keeping his face from sagging and his head from dropping. Now he must brave the terrible task of persevering through his next dreaded class… HISTORY!
"…And thus, the second impact resulted in the death of over seventy percent of the world's population. That brings us to today when…"
"Please, God! Make it stop!!!"
Yes dear friends, the poor Shinji Ikari couldn't take anymore of the teacher's old man lectures. In order to occupy himself, Shinji began twirling his pencil between his fingers as he tried to look attentive. That's when his mind began to stray again.
"Maybe if I lay my head down for a few minutes I'll feel better…" he thought as he started to lower his head. "NO!!! I can't, Misato'll kill me!" He quickly straightened him self out and stretched back on his chair. "But then again, how's she gonna find out? Wait, she probably wants me to think that way. She probably got Rei and Asuka to keep an eye on me." He quickly glanced over at the two who were jotting down random notes. "Ooh, I bet she did that tricky little bi…"
"Ikari-kun?" called out the teacher.
"Huh? Oh, um… I mean, Yes sir?"
"Are you feeling ill?" he asked concernedly.
"Not at all! I feel perfectly fine!" The boy smiled brightly to justify himself.
"Are you sure? You sounded like you were in pain."
"Pain…?" Shinji was unaware of all the grunting and snarling he was doing whilst bemused with his inner conflict. "Really, I'm fine. Please, continue!"
The teacher frowned slightly. "I can understand that you don't want to miss anything important but I don't want you to make yourself sick. I really think that you should go see the nurse."
"I'm fine rea..." In the middle of sentence the word 'nurse' all of a sudden became that much more significant. "Nurse…?" he thought. "As in gigantic boob lady in the super tight mini-skirt uniform nurse… Hmm…" Shinji grinned to himself. "Well, now that you mention it," he groaned lightly clutching his stomach, "I am starting to feel a bit faint."
"Sensei!" called out one of the fan girls as she shot out of her seat raising a hand. "I volunteer to escort Shinji to the nurse!"
"Very well then, you may go. Take your time."
The girl's face lit up with joy. "YES!!!" She was rejoicing in her mind. "Maybe I can fuck him in the hall and…"
"No, that's okay. I'll be fine on my own," Shinji replied modestly. The girl's face drooped and all elation suddenly faded away.
"Are you sure?" the teacher asked.
"Of course," replied Shinji. He weakly rose from his seat and made his way to the door. "Please, don't worry about me, I've already wasted too much of your valuable learning time."
And with that the smiling Shinji left the class speechless as he dragged himself away. The fan girls sighed, enamored with Shinji's faux display of masculinity.
"Oh my gosh," Asuka thought as the class remained awkwardly silent. "That idiot is way stupider than I thought. And why the hell does the whole class have to fawn all over him, it's not like he controls them… Or does he?"
"Ms. Aya?" Shinji called out as he knocked on the office door. There wasn't any response. "…Oh man I'm tired," he yawned as he stretched out his back. "Maybe I'll just chill here for a bit…" he thought to himself as he sat down in a chair.
As he stared at the light, a familiar feminine voice suddenly pervaded the ears of young Shinji Ikari. "Yes, just hold that there and keep pressure on it. Keep it pinched tight, alright?" it said.
"Ow, it kinda hurts," replied the voice of a fellow male student.
The female voice giggled. "Hee, that's because you're pushing too hard, silly."
"Whoa, whoa," thought Shinji as he sat up. "What's going on here?" Intrigued, the boy carefully walked up to doorway in the direction of that voice.
"Ah really, you should learn to relax more, you're just gonna make a bigger mess," said the female voice once more.
"Oh, sorry Ms. Natsume…"
"Don't worry about it, just remember to that." She gave a little giggle. "Now don't move. I have to put some of this on to keep it moist."
"What the crap!" thought Shinji in shock. "Inappropriate 'things' going on between the staff and the student body?! I don't care if I get caught! This is some good stuff…" So, as inconspicuously as he could, Shinji decided to check out the situation.
"Is this really necessary?" asked the boy confusedly. "I mean…"
"Not really, but it's better this way," responded the nurse.
Finally getting the courage to actually stick his head out, Shinji discovered the two were actually doing something weird but disappointingly, it wasn't anything inappropriate.
"Hmm…" Shinji pondered as he watched the two. "Why is she sticking a q-tip up his nose…?"
Out of the corner of her eye, Nurse Aya spotted the boy. "Oh, Shinji!" she called out giving him a start. "You don't have a nose bleed too do you?"
"Huh?" he asked confusedly as he stepped out from behind the wall. "Why would I have a nose bleed?"
"Well you see," she said as she threw away the q-tip, "for some reason a lot of the students that have been sent down here had sudden nosebleeds that moment I saw them."
Shinji looked over at the boy who grinned at him. Obviously, word about the new nurse had gotten around.
"…Must be the Ai Zhao Dao syndrome," Shinji lied.
"The what? Oh, you can go back now," said Aya to the kid who took one last glance at Aya's ass as she bent down to get pick up some fallen papers. Shinji just shook his head as the boy happily pranced back to class.
"The Ai Zhao Dao syndrome," repeated Shinji. "It's a sort of start of the new year excitement epidemic."
"Really? I've never heard of it before."
"Yep, it's actually quite common among students these days. Its syndromes include spontaneous nosebleeds and frequent visits to the Nurse's Office."
"How horrible! I can't imagine how someone could live in such a terrible condition! Oh!" Aya, in the midst of her lament, suddenly realized that Shinji wasn't visiting to just to see her, even thought he kinda was. "I'm sorry, I forgot. Is there something you need?"
After a moment's thought, Shinji realized that coming here would actually serve more purpose than filling his eyes. "Actually yeah, I was wondering if I could get anything that helps fight fatigue."
Aya put her hand to her chin thoughtfully. "…Do you mean something like coffee?"
"Yeah… but WAAAAY stronger."
"That's right, I remember now. Even though you were hiding it I could tell you were totally burnt out."
"You could…?" Shinji pouted.
"Of course I could! I am the nurse after all, but don't worry, you were very convincing," she beamed. As much as Aya tried to cheer Shinji up, he still feared what Misato would do to him for not 'trying hard enough.'
Aya walked over to one of the cabinets and began searching through some pretty weird looking stuff. You know, like things with skulls on the labels, some scalpels, and a roll of tissue paper. "Let's see… Umm, where did I put it…? Ah! Here we go!" She pulled out a small, brown, unlabeled vial and handed it to Shinji.
The boy stared at it warily. "What's this… it looks suspicious…"
"Secret Viper Potion!" Aya proclaimed and triumphantly pointed to the ceiling.
"Viper Potion! It's a super potent cure-all drink that brings you back to your full strength and even gives you a power bonus for a short amount of time! Of course, there are side effects with a potion as strong as this, but the results are well worth it!"
"Side effects…? What kind are we talking about here?"
"Well, once you take this, your health will be brought all the way down to one point regardless what your remaining amount is."
"Ahahaha! I'm only kidding," Aya giggled. "That's just some special Ginseng Elixir! Yeah, yeah, that's it!" She scratched the back of her head and looked around with shifty eyes.
"…Are you serious?" Shinji stared at the nurse.
"Of course," she said through gritted teeth. "I really had you going there didn't I?" She laughed nervously. "Well what are you waiting for? Go on! Drink up!"
"Okay…" Shinji hesitated before uncorking the vial. Pouting, the boy swished around the contents then gulped down the whole thing. The two stood still waiting for some kind of effect.
"Well?" asked Aya cheerily.
Shinji stared off into space and made a weird face. "Um, I don't feel much diff… BUUUUUURRRP!!!" Shinji's eyes shot open. "WHOA!" he yelled in a super energized voice. "WHA WUZ ZAT?"
"Oh, don't worry about that, it's just the stuff starting to take effect," explained Aya as she fanned away the stench.
"WHOO HOO HOO HOOOO!" Shinji whooped and hollered as he bounced off the walls like a squirrel on red bull mixed with pixy sticks. "WOW! THIS STUFF IS AMAZING I ALREADY FEEL SO…" As Shinji was in the middle of a handstand he stopped and grabbed his stomach. "Ugh, what's going on…?" he groaned.
"Oh no! I almost forgot about the second stage!" Aya quickly picked the groaning boy off of the floor and dragged him towards the door.
"Gehh… I think I'm gonna explode…"
"Quick!" Just as Shinji was about to burst, Aya shoved him out into the hallway where…
…he let out the loudest, foulest fart the world has yet to witness.
"WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! THIS STUFF IS AWESOME!!!"
"Yes, yes, I'm glad that it works!" said Aya as she peeked her head from behind the slightly ajar door. She quickly covered her nose with her shirt when the essence du ass reached her. "Now hurry up and get back to class before your teacher scolds you."
"OSU!!!" Shinji shot a fist into the air. And with that Shinji darted down the hallway at the speed of sound, screaming and hooting.
"What a fun little boy," Aya giggled to herself.
With all of the hooting and hollering, it was needless to say that many of the teacher's were aggravated by the inexcusable noise in the hall. "Hey!" shouted one of the aforementioned, "what are you doing during…!!! OH DEAR LORD!!!" Gagging and gasping for breath, the teacher hastily retreated back in to his classroom.
"BWAHAHAHA! I DON'T FEEL TIRED AT ALL!!!" Rounding a corner, Shinji skidded to a stop in front of his classroom. "SENSEI!!! I'M BACK AND READY FOR AC-…!!!"
The boy stopped mid-sentence when he realized that the classroom was completely empty, well, that was except for fellow child, Rei Ayanami, who was at that moment changing into her gym uniform. Though the first child realized that the boy was watching, she just glanced at him for a split second and then completely ignored him.
"Whoa..." Shinji thought as he watched, frozen in his place. "Sooo hot… but then again, I guess you would get that kind of body after all that training and ass kicking that she does…" He nodded in agreement with himself.
Rei finished straightening out her shirt to the best of her ability with the one arm that she had available. Shinji kinda felt bad that he was taking advantage of his completely indifferent and temporarily handicapped co-worker. Then he thought about this morning and how he totally got his ass handed to him and all of a sudden, all those feelings of guilt magically disappeared. As soon as she was done, she exited the room and proceeded to her obvious destination without giving even as much as a glance towards the peeping idiot.
"Thank you for this reinvigorating scene…" Shinji said to the powers above as his mind forever engraved those images in the extensive banks of his memory. "It's good to be alive…" he sighed. "Oh crap! Where did the class go!? Oh right! Rei was wearing a gym uniform so that must mean that they're… um, doing a cosplay photo shoot in the studio! No, wait! That's not what I mean! I mean in the middle of fitness fundamentals class!!! Yeah, that's gotta be it!!!"
So, in a flash, the super caffeinated boy sped off towards the gymnasium/locker room area.
"Uh, where was that again… somewhere on the first floor…" He thought out loud after turning a couple corners. Shinji was completely lost; you didn't think that he could get the layout of the whole school in one day did you? He's not that smart. "Oh, well tour number two coming up! Hahahaha!" Shinji's caffeine high was pissing off those currently in class on the first floor… the poor souls…
-Outside, Gym Class
"Alright guys, sound off when you hear your name," called out the teacher as he read the names off the clip board. "Aida?"
"Here," answered the little nerdling.
"Word to your mother."
The teacher looked up. "Ikari?" he called out once more, but still nothing. "Does anyone know where Ikari is?"
-Meanwhile, in the cafeteria
"YO!" Shinji called out. "How's it goin' Ms. Chiaki?"
"Hey!" replied the lunch lady cheerfully. "What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be in class right now?"
"That I should! But I kinda got lost on the way over so I just decided to pass by!"
Chiaki laughed at Shinji's lively demeanor. "How thoughtful of you! I'm glad to see that you've pepped up from this morning."
"So am I! Hey, now that you mention it, you said that you were going to give me a special treat, didn't you."
"Hahaha! Well about that," Chiaki walked over to a small bowl filled with some freshly cooked soup. "I was going to give you some of this stamina soup since you did seem all that chipper this morning."
Shinji pouted again. "Was it really that obvious!!!" He cried inside as the demonic image of Misato grew uglier and uglier…
"Oh, I'm sorry," Chiaki apologized, thinking that she caused the boy to pout. "Would you still like to have this? I'll keep the bowl here and you can pick it up when you want it."
"Ooh really?" Shinji's face lit up. "That would rock!"
Chiaki poured the soup into a container then handed it to the boy. "There you are, now you come back here anytime you feel hungry or burnt out, alright?"
"Yep, I got it! Hey, thanks a lot!"
"No problem, well then off to class you go!"
"Alright," Shinji smiled. "Um, how to I get to the gym again?"
-Back Outside, Gym Class
"So no Ikari?" asked the teacher.
"Isn't that the new kid?" asked one student.
"Yeah, that kid went to the nurse earlier," replied another. "Upset stomach or something…"
"You'd think he'd be back by now…" commented random student.
"I bet I know why he isn't back yet," said Aida to himself as names continued to be called off.
A couple of other students surrounded him. "So what's the deal, Kensuke? You usually got the dirt on everything that goes on around here."
"You seriously don't know?" he asked in disbelief. The guys shook their heads. "Man you guys are slow… Anyway, rumor is that Principal Natsume's little sister is the new nurse."
"NO WAY!!! ARE YOU SERIOUS!!!?"
"HEY! KEEP IT DOWN!" the teacher scolded.
"Sorry," apologized the boys in unison
"So you're really not joking about this?" asked one boy.
"Why would I lie?" Kensuke asked back.
"Well dude, I can't imagine Principal Natsume having a little sister…"
"Yeah man, it's like… like… being in heaven…"
"Yeah…" the group of boys sighed as they let their imagination get the best of them.
"Damn transfer kid, skipping class to get close with our hot nurse that we haven't even met yet…"
"La dii daa di daaaaa!!!" Shinji sung gaily as he skipped down the halls. "Hmm, I wonder where the gym could be… OOOH!" He quickly shot over to the window and pressed his face into the glass like a little boy. Looking down he found the members of his class stretching out on the ground. "Oooh! Oooooh! OOOOOOOOOH! I know those kids! That must be my class! WOOT! I found them!"
So, with out even putting thought into it he slid open the window then jumped all the way down from the second floor. With that inhuman speed of his, he dashed up behind the teacher and stood readily by his side.
"Alright guys, run three laps to warm up then stretch out… again." Sensing an unfamiliar presence, the teacher turned around and found and found the boy standing perfectly still with the sternest expression ever. "Who are you boy?"
"Shinji Ikari, sir, reporting for duty!"
The teacher stared at him, straight in the eye then said, "Well, why are you just standing here? Go get your uniform on and join the rest of the class!"
"OSU!!!" shouted Shinji as he ran off, but then stopped. "Erm, where's the locker room again?"
-1 minute later
"Back and ready for action, sir!" Shinji screamed energetically right into his teacher's ear.
The teacher poked his ringing ear. "Then why don't I see you on that track?" he asked. "Give me three laps, now!"
Using that super energy of his, he started lapping everyone in the class. Needless to say, Shinji was the first one done his three laps even though he started minutes later than everyone else.
"What the crap! What's up with that; new kid pops up outta nowhere then totally shows us up!" complained one kid.
"Something probably happened when he visited that new nurse," sneered another.
"Yeah right, what could a nurse possibly do to make him act like that?" asked another. None of the students responded but just stared at him funnily. "Oh, Oooooh, got it."
"But there's one thing for sure," added Aida, "he's not just some ordinary kid."
"What are you talking about now?"
"Just look at him!" At this point in time, the boys all took a second to look at Shinji performing an effortless 200 degree split. "That's not natural!!!"
Many of the boys winced and grabbed their own crotches as they watched the boy do more insanely insane stretches. "Holy shit! What the hell is he made out of?"
"Maybe he's a gymnast, or dances… some shit like that," suggested another kid.
"That means he's athletic, right?" asked another.
"Or gay," said another. They all shrugged then looked back at Shinji.
"One, two, three, four. Two, two, three, four…" Shinji counted as he enthusiastically did some jumping jacks.
"Yeah, sure… whatever."
"Alright since it's the first day I won't bore you with forms for you to fill out and whatever," announced the teacher. "Divide yourselves into two teams and play a game of basketball."
"Alright!" The class whooped in joy.
"Hey, Kensuke!" called one student.
"Yeah what?" asked the bespectacled boy as he tied his shoe.
"Why don't you grab the new kid for us."
"Me? Grab him yourself! I'm tying my shoe right now!"
"C'mon, don't be such a fag!" insisted the boy as he shoved Kensuke towards Shinji.
"Alright, you don't have to call me a fag…" Kensuke grumbled to himself as he approached Shinji who at the moment was stroking his chin to help him decide which team he should join. "Hey! Ikari, right?" asked Aida casually.
"Yeah, but just call me Shinji," responded the boy. "What's up?"
"You wanna join our team? I can't let you just sit out on your first game at our school."
Shinji checked out the member's of his 'team,' and to be honest they really didn't seem that up to snuff. "Sure, why not!" He said agreeing to help them out of pity.
"Cool!" said Kensuke happily as he led Shinji towards the rest of the team. "Oh, and by the way I'm Aida. Kensuke Aida." He shook hands with his new found friend.
-In the basketball court
"Alright boys," said the teacher as he stood in the middle of the court with the ball in hand. "I want to see you guys working out there! I want to see blood, I want to see sweat, I want to see you die!" All the students slowly turned their heads towards their teacher thinking 'what the fuck…?' Seeing the classes lack of sense of humor the teacher sighed. "Whatever, just play." And with a blow of the whistle he threw the balls into the air and started the game.
Having the height advantage, Shinji's team got the tip off. With a swift pass a forward, Shinji's team (I'll say they're the jerseys) already got the ball up the court and was looking for a shot. The kid with the ball was being blocked by a couple of guys and had no clear shot so he passed it back to an open jersey kid that layed the ball up for an easy two points.
"YEAH MAN!!! THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKIN ABOUT RIGHT THERE!" screamed Shinji triumphantly from the side lines. The whole class stared at Shinji as the shirts team passed off the ball. "C'MON!! LOOK, THAT DUDE'S WIDE OPEN!!! BL… FRIGGIN' BLOCK THE MAN!!"
"Uh, hey Shinji…" said Kensuke a bit irritated.
"WHERE YOUR D AT?"
"Shinji," he repeated, but the boy wasn't listening. "SHINJI!!!"
"Huh? Yeah, what is it?" asked Shinji in a normal tone.
"Yeah," Kensuke coughed, "would you mind toning it down a little, you're kinda freaking us out."
"Oh, sorry. I was just… WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT? YOU COULD'VE BLOCKED THAT!!!" Shinji lost his control when he saw the shirts get a clear shot from in the paint.
"Damn, that kid needs to learn how to chill," chuckled one a kid. Kensuke nodded in agreement.
-10 minutes later
"WHAT WAS THAT? THAT WAS THE MOST PATHETIC PASS I'VER EVER SEEN!!!"
Kensuke and his benchwarmer buddy were both sprawled all over the ground. "Does he ever get tired?" asked benchwarmer buddy to the powers above.
"OH C'MON! THEY'RE CATCHING UP!!! YOU ONLY GOT A 10 POINT LEAD NOW!!!"
"Asking is pointless…" groaned Kensuke as he rolled over. He started to faze out and stare blankly at the teacher who was more than amused with Shinji's behavior. "Huh?" Freckle face perked up when he saw a familiar figure approaching the teacher. "So the little jerk actually decided to show up huh."
"Why are you late Suzahara?" asked the teacher sensing the approaching student.
"Sorry, I had somethin' I had to take care of at the hospital," he answered curtly.
The teacher faced Touji and matched stern faces. "Do you have a note?" Touji held out a piece of paper in his hand. Snatching the paper away, the teacher glanced at the boy then began reading the note. "Hmm, alright then. I'll excuse your tardiness this time. Well, why are you just standing there? Get in there." And without a word, Touji ran of towards Kensuke's direction. "No, no! I don't wanna see you and Aida goofing off anymore, go join the other team." The boy obeyed with out the slightest hint of perturbation.
"Yo! Touji!" said a shirt benchwarmer as he waved. "Decided to help us out?"
"Yeah, sure, why not," answered Touji coldly.
"Hey, what's up with you man? Why are you so…?"
"YEAH MAN!!! INTERCEPTED!!! INTERCEPTED!!! YO, DID YOU SEE THAT SWEET INTERCEPTION KENSUKE?"
"Um, Shinji this is basketball, not football," corrected our four-eyed friend. "In basketball they're called ste…"
"UNH SON!!! WHAT NOW!!! DON'T YOUR FACE FEEL TIGHT!!!?"
Touji stared at Shinji like he was some kind of freak, which he is. "What the hell's up with that guy?"
"Oh," spoke up random student number D, "that's Shinji. Yeah, he's been like that since the beginning of class."
"WHAT YOU GOT NAH SUCKA? YOU AIN'T GOT JACK!!!"
"Damn that kid's annoying…" Touji observed.
Random student number D looked up and Touji. "Well why don't you shut him up then."
"Fine." Touji took off his jacket and threw it on the ground. "Yo Fujimori!"
The one of the shirts' forwards stopped and looked over at Touji. "Hey, Touji! What's up man?"
"Lemme help you out, man," said Touji. "You look beat."
Fujimori smiled then patted Touji on the back. "Do your thing man."
So with the shirts in possession, the ball was swiftly worked up the court. Just as the shirt entered the paint two jerseys came out of nowhere and completely blocked the dude. The shirt was doing a good job keeping the jerseys from stealing the ball while looking for an opening.
"Hey, pass it up man!" screamed Touji up by the basket.
Shirt boy immediately maneuvered around the jersey defense and went to pass the ball up to Touji. The two jerseys went to block the pass but it was a feint! While the jersey boys were wondering what happened, the ball was passed back to a fellow shirt who ran by behind.
"WHAT THE HELL WHY WEREN'T YOU GUARDING THAT DUDE!!!" screamed an enraged Shinji from the sideline.
Shinji teams pissed off meter: 23.6 percent and rising…
And with a few slick moves, the shirts scored an easy field goal.
"HOLY CRAP, I CAN'T BELIVE YOU LET THAT GO IN!!!"
Piss-o-meter: 69.9999901919999000 percent and rising… wait, make that 70
"Uh, Shinji, you gotta keep it down man…" whispered Kensuke in a futile attempt to shut him up.
"Huh, keep what down?" asked Shinji in a totally different tone.
"Nevermind, it's nothing…" the nerdling sighed.
"The man's bipolar…" claimed benchwarmer letter 3.
Now jerseys in possession, the ball moved up the court quickly but then Touji came in from out of nowhere and stole the ball.
"Holy shit…" Shinji said. Yes, said, the boy was so impressed that he wasn't even mad that his team let the other team take the ball.
On the court a jersey rushed in to defend Touji but the little Osakan easily slipped passed him. Touji positioned himself at the 3-point line, bent his knees, and swish, nothing but net.
"Damn, that kids good…" murmured Shinji.
Kensuke looked up at Shinji with an amused look in his eyes. "Hmm? Impressed, Shinji?"
"Uh, yeah. I didn't think that there was anyone in this class that could actually play," he replied a little too loudly.
Piss-o-meter: 82.6 percent and rising…
"Hey, don't you think you're being a little harsh?" Kensuke asked nervously.
Shinji stared at Kensuke blankly then made a funny face. "…Harsh?" Shinji repeated confusedly.
"Never mind," sighed freckle face.
"Yo, benchwarmer number D," Shinji called to the other dude.
Piss-o-meter: 84.569 percent and rising…
"Do you know what the score is?"
"I think it's like 46-51 them…" answered benchwarmer number D apathetically.
Shinji's eyes shot wide open. "WHAT! 46-51!!!"
Benchwarmer picked his ear. "Yeah, did I st-stutter?"
"WHY ARE YOU LETTING THEM GET A LEAD? IT'S ONLY ONE GUY DOING ALL THE WORK, HURRY UP AND STOP HIM!"
Piss-o-meter: 93.54 percent and rising…
Back on the court, Touji continued to completely dominate the jerseys, stealing the ball over, and over, and over…
"HOW MANY TIMES ARE YOU GONNA LET THEM STEAL THE BALL?"
Piss-o-meter: 98.6 percent and rising…
"OH MY GAWD! YOU…"
Piss-o-meter: 99.654 percent
Pissss: 99.954… WARNING! WARNING! ASS KICKING EMINENT!!!
The whole class practically turned towards Shinji and just glared at him in unison. Shinji, unaware of the situation, carried on with his rant.
"I mean really, if you want to see a real game just get Ayanami over there…"
Piss of Death!!!: ALERT! ALERT! SHUT THE FUCK UP NOW!
"She'd dominate all you guys just like that."
PISSED! 100 percent… PISSED!!! 100 percent… THE ASS KICKING OF THE BOY KNOWN AS SHINJI IKARI IS NOW AUTHORIZED!
"Alright kid," growled a kid from the jersey's as he stomped towards Shinji, "You're gonna be sorry your puny little ass ever… ACK!" Out of nowhere the kid fell to the ground as if something hit him hard in the side of the head.
"DAMN! What the hell happened?" demanded the teacher.
"I don't know!" said a kid checking his friend's pulse. "He just fell to the ground and now he's bleedin' like he got shot in the head or something!"
"What are you just standing around for? You boys, get him to the Health Suite! NOW!!!"
The teacher watched the boys struggling to carry their fallen comrade then looked over at benchwarmers. "Alright, you guys, go put on those pennies and fill in those gaps. Now! Now! NOW! C'mon ladies, we don't have all day!"
"Hey, Shinji, that's us," Kensuke called out and tossed a sweaty penny at the boy.
The boys ran out onto the courts and huddled up with the rest of their fellow jerseys.
"Alright guys," said the jersey's point guard. "So Touji's totally ownin' all of our asses. We gotta step it up. The biggest problem is…"
Now Shinji was still all hyped up on that "elixir" that the Nurse gave him so it's understandable that he would start to space out. Just recently, Shinji's attention was caught by a gigantic zit on the forehead of the guy standing right in front him. It took all of Shinji's self restraint to keep himself from just reaching over and squeezing the living puss out of the gargantuan mass of white.
"…You got that new kid?" the point guard asked Shinji.
"Huh? Oh, yeah. Yeah, sure, I got it," Shinji replied.
And thus, the meeting was adjourned. All of the kids returned to their assigned position, except for Shinji. He was so transfixed by the zit on that kids head that he even followed him to his position.
"What the hell is he doing…?" groaned the point guard. "Kensuke, you sure this kid can play."
The boy's scrunched his freckly face. "Hey, Ikari!" Shinji removed his attention from the zit then looked for who ever called out his name. "You're on the wrong side of the court! You're supposed to be forward!"
"What? Oh, oh alright," laughed to boy as he ran to his proper position.
The jerseys watched nervously as Shinji stood smilingly at his spot. They had this impeding feeling of doom, which was probably caused by the gym teacher who was watching very intently, and when I say very intently I mean that he's probably make the losing team do hundreds of suicides before they even get a chance to sit down.
"After losing lead scorer to their team, can the jerseys hold their own against Touji? We'll find out as the game ensues. With the jersey's in possession, they get the pass off and get the ball up to mid-court. A shirt quickly runs up to defend. The jersey kid with the ball, unsure of what to do, pivots, looking for a chance to pass the ball. He brings it back and the jersey and finds room to jump up. Ikari is wide open and gets the ball tossed to him and… Oh no! What's this? He's not paying attention and the ball whizzes right past him! What's going on? The lights are on but no one's home. Should that boy even be on the court? I mean…"
"Hey," calls out the gym teacher to short little girl standing next to him and speaking into a recorder. "Who the hell are you? And why are you doing crappy commentary on my class?"
"Me?" responds the girl, as she pauses the recorder. "I'm the, um, official records… person thing-a-ma-bob and uh… Hey look, it's the King of all Cosmos!" The girl stabbed a finger at the sky in hopes of distracting the teacher but he did nothing but give the girl a penetrating glare. "Ohkay, you didn't fall for that… right then… Uh, can I finish my, uh you know, recording?" The teacher continued to stare at the girl, not blinking. The little girl began to sweat and gulped.
"…Just don't distract my class," answered the teacher warningly.
"Alright! Thanks teach!" Pushing the pause button again on the recorder, little girl resumed her commentary. "And now we're back ladies and gentleman. On the court Touji and the shirts continue their relentless, aggressive plays. Shirts in possession, they dribble up the court and pass off to Touji. A jersey rushes in to block, but Touji slips behind him, makes his way to the three point line, and SWISH! Another beautiful shot!
"Jerseys back with the ball, they quickly get the ball up the court. Looking for an opportunity to shoot, the jerseys carefully start walking around the paint; then a shirt makes a grab for the ball and misses! With a clear shot the jersey shoots the ball and… Oh! An excellent block by Touji! It's like a complete slaughter out there with the Touji… Wait, what's this! Shinji sprints in out of nowhere and tips the ball in! Two points for the jerseys! What a shocker! Space cadet managed to surprise everyone and pull off a beautiful play!
"Now it's the shirts' turn at the ball. They make a break for it! Right at the hoop Touji takes the ball, jumps, oh, nice double clutch, and shoots! Two poi…! No, wait! Shinji denies it! The jerseys get the rebound and pass it up the court for an easy two points! Whoa, whoa, what's going on here? They boy who couldn't even pay enough attention to catch a pass is walking all over shirts and totally putting Touji to shame! I mean, the sparks are starting to fly folks. Just look at those faces of intensity on…"
"Hey, keep to the game. I didn't give you permission to talk about my students," said the teacher firmly.
"Er, yes sir," muttered the little girl. "Uh, so the jerseys have the ball. Shirts try their best to block but it's just not happening. They shoot, but it's a no go. Touji gets the rebound. Whoa, that's a bit cocky. Totally ignoring his teammates Touji charges towards the basket alone! The jerseys try to catch up to him but he's just too fast! He makes it to the paint and… It's stolen! Shinji just at the last second steals the ball from Touji! The shirts scramble to recover the ball but it's no use; Shinji passes the ball all the way on the other side of the court and they score another two points! Boy, have the tables turned! I hope I'm not the only one who's this shocked!
"Alright folks, teach has just informed me that there's only 16 seconds left on the clock, it could go either way with the jerseys only a point behind! This is it folks, the shirts have the ball and are looking to wind down the clock, just walking up the court. But the jerseys won't stand for that! A jersey knocks the ball out of their hands and they're movin' in for the win! Touji rushes in and blocks the basket and following right behind him is Shinji! Shinji waves to his teammate to pass it but how is he ever going to get past Touji? Only a few more seconds and the shirts wi… Hold on! The jersey fakes left and bounces the ball to Shinji! He catches it in mid-air and… IT'S AN ALLEY-OOP! Can you believe it! SLAM DUNK! The shirts win! What a complete upset! Who would have thought you could witness such an amazing come from behind victory in the middle of a local high school gym class! A true display of leadership and teamwork, it goes to show that with the give effort and cooperation no goal is unreachable whether it be winning a game or defeating the ange…"
"Hey, the games over, no one wants to hear some stupid inspirational speeches from an idiotic girl," said the teacher. The little girl flinched, immediately stopped recording and looked up at the teacher smiling uncomfortably. "This your first time commentating?"
"Yup!" the girl said proudly.
"I can tell."
-On the court
"Hey Ikari, that was some pretty sweet ballin', man," said one kid as he followed him to the water fountain.
"Thanks man!" responded Shinji.
"You know, at first I thought you were all talk, but I'm sorry I doubted you! You're alright man!" Laughing, the boy gave Shinji a good smack on the back. No sooner than when the boy's hand made contact did Shinji spew blood from the mouth and collapsed.
"HOLY…!" screamed one student. "What the hell did you do to Ikari!"
"Nothing! I just gave him a pat on the back!" answered the boy, taking a few steps back.
"Yeah right! A pat on the back doesn't make people puke up blood all over the place!"
While the boys continued to freak out, Shinji stared up at the sky and slowly started to slip into unconsciousness.
"Oh," he thought, "the clouds are really pretty today… I wonder how things are going back home… Oh, mom, is that you? Hi mom! Hmm, what's that? You want me to follow you…? Okay mommy…"
"Check it out! His eyes are starting to glaze over!"
"No, don't do it Ikari!" screamed Kensuke. "Don't go towards the light!"
"Hold on mommy," Shinji called out in his mind. "Don't move so fast, I'm coming! Please wait mommy, don't leave me! Huh…? Where did all the light go…? It's getting dark, and cold. Mom…"
Minutes later, Shinji started to regain consciousness. As he blinked his eyes open, a vision of a very white and clean room started to blur in.
"…nji," came a familiar voice.
Turning his head in the direction of the voice he saw the glowing figure of female's form. "…Mom? Is that you?" he asked weakly.
"Shinji," it called again.
"Mom!" With an unknown energy the boy shot up and hugged the woman. "I can't believe it's really you! I'm so happy to see you after so long. Does this mean that we're in heaven?"
"Heaven? Oh silly boy, of course not" the woman chuckled.
"Huh," Shinji let go of the woman and took a step back. "What do you mean? You're not my mom, are you?"
"Oh Shinji, you really are naïve," chuckled the woman. "You really thought that you'd get a cheap ticket to heaven." The figure of the woman stopped glowing and the face became clearer and clearer. Eventually the face of Misato revealed itself and grew bigger and uglier with each second as blazing flames shot out from underneath and surrounded him. "You really thought you could get into heaven after disobeying me. Ahahaha, of course not. I did warn you that there would be hell to pay, so now you get to spend the rest of eternity with me. Hehehe. Bwahahahaha! BWHAHAHAHAHA!"
"Shinji? SHINJI!" cried out a woman's voice.
"No! Get away from me! I don't want to be dead!" screamed the boy as he thrashed around.
"Shinji no one's going to kill you so please, calm down!" said the woman in a comforting tone.
Realizing that the one talking wasn't the devil herself, Shinji started to relax. He opened his eyes and found himself laying in one of the beds in the nurse's office and the smiling face of the youngest of the Natsume siblings sitting at the foot of the bed.
"…Uh, hiya Ms. Aya," said the boy embarrassedly. "How are things going with you?"
Aya chuckled. "Ah, well you know, the same stuff," she answered cheerfully. "The Ai Zhao Dao syndrome has been keeping me on feet all day. I don't think I've ever had to deal with anything so troublesome before. The poor students…" Shinji casually nodded, completely understanding the whole conspiracy behind the situation. "So how are you feeling Shinji? Do you have any pain or headaches?"
He took a moment to pat himself down for anything funky. "Nope," he replied, "none that I know of."
"That's good to hear," said nurse Aya as she hopped off the bed. "Since you're feeling okay, I'll let you go home now." Aya handed him his bag and clothes that had been delivered by a fellow student.
"Go home? Shouldn't I go back to class?"
"Silly boy, do you think I want you going back to class and risking you passing out like that again?"
Putting that thought into consideration, Shinji realized that the hot nurse had a point. Not only that, but he would also have a legit excuse to go home early and catch up on some sleep before having to head to NERV.
"Well… if you really think I should then I guess I'll be going now." Shinji climbed out of the bed and started to walk out the door, grinning from ear to ear. "Bye Ms. Aya, I'll see you tomorrow!"
"Okay Shinji. You take care!"
-15 minutes later
"Oh crap, I think I'm lost again." Shinji groaned as the door behind him swung shut.
Yes, Shinji was definitely lost for in front of the boy were the facilities in which the school's students used in times of relieving themselves of bodily fluids and/or wastes and their means of sanitizing after relieving themselves; in other words, the potty. However, this potty was not one that Shinji would normally see during the school hours for this potty lacked urinals and a male presence other than himself. And let's not forget the horrified looks of the girls as Shinji just stood there speechlessly. Yes dear friends, Shinji had accidentally walked into the girls' bathroom.
"So," spoke up Shinji hesitantly, "can one of you guys tell me how to get to the parking lot? I'm kinda new here so…"
"PERVERT!" one girl cried.
"Get the hell out of here you sicko!" another girl screamed as Shinji bolted out of there.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to… Whoa! Man these chicks are frickin' crazy!" Shinji exclaimed while dodging rolls of tissue, soap dispensers, toilet seats, and flying monkeys.
"And don't you ever show your face to us again or we'll smash it in!"
-42.6 seconds later
"Wow, Shinji, what happened to you?" asked Chiaki as she stared at him all TP-ed. "You look like you just walked into the girls' bathroom and got threatened to get your face smashed in after asking for directions to the parking lot."
Shinji pulled off the tissue paper that he was covered in and tossed it into the trash. "Yeah it's a long… wait, how did you know all that?"
"It's all here in the first draft of the story." The lunch lady held up a crumpled piece of paper.
Shinji stared, dumbfounded. "You can actually read that chicken scratch?"
"Well actually," Chiaki said taking in a deep breath, "for a while I thought it was an ancient parchment with hieroglyphics recording the great skirmish between the legendary pink puffball and the fabled red-haired demon of Deutschland but after a good five hours of thorough examination I realized that it was just the pathetic fanfic of an overly-retarded high school student who has the most horrible handwriting ever yet somehow manages to keep the writing legible."
"…I can't believe you said that all in one breath. You're frickin' amazing," Shinji said in hopes of scoring a few points.
"Haha, I'll take that as a compliment," Chiaki straightened out her bandana (somehow Shinji's plan worked). "So, I guess that you're here to pick up your…" Chiaki stopped, noticing that Shinji was nodding off. "He's fallen asleep already?" She reached over the counter and poked the unconscious boy in the eyeball. "No reaction, I guess whatever Aya gave him must've totally burnt him out. What to do, what to do…" She began to ponder for a solution as she shoved some chopsticks up the sleeping teen's nose. Then it hit her like a trillion ton belly flop. The lunch lady hopped over the counter, straightened out her apron, then took a deep breath.
"OMG! Look, it's Michael Jackson!"
"WHERE? WHERE? I LOVE YOUR WORK!" After Shinji had finished freaking out, he saw Chiaki cracking up and clutching her stomach, making him feel like a complete dumbass. There were also those chopsticks in his nose to deal with.
"I was going for more of the 'don't rape me' reaction," Chiaki laughed, "but hey, that works too."
Shinji said nothing and just pulled out the chopsticks from his nose, pouting.
"Aw c'mon, laugh with me, you know it was funny!"
"…And you're supposed to be how old?"
"You don't ask a woman her age, hasn't anyone ever told you that?"
"Yeah I know but I bet the author's just too lazy to figure out what your age is in this universe."
"So true," agreed the lunch lady. Frickin' traitor. "Anyway, here's your food. I added a little something special to help you to recover from the stuff Aya gave you earlier."
"Yeah, that 'elixir' that she gave you was strong enough to kill you if not handled carefully."
Shinji's eye started to twitch out of fear. "So me barfing up my guts during gym wasn't a freak accident…?"
"You're lucky you know."
"And if I eat this soup you made me I'll go back to normal?"
"Exactly, but you might want to watch out; once you eat it you'll go back to being all fatigued like this morning."
"Hey, it's better than being on the edge of death," Shinji said happily as he took the bowl. "I guess I'd better start heading home, I'm gonna try and get some sleep before Ms. Misato starts chewing me out. Thanks for the chow Ms. Chiaki, I'll see you tomorrow."
She waved to the boy as he exited the cafeteria. Chiaki laughed to herself, thinking how adorable our hero was, and resumed cleaning up. When she went to put remaining food in the refrigerator she noticed another bowl of soup.
"Oops, looks like I accidentally gave Shinji the bowl with Bob's dinner… Oh well, can't do anything about it now, I'll just give it to him the next time I see him. Well, it looks like we're eating out tonight then, hehe."
Back outside of the school, Shinji was once again, too everyone's surprise, completely and utterly lost.
"Crap," he groaned, "I'm seriously gonna have someone draw a map out for me next time I have to come to this stupid place." As he continued to walk about absent mindedly a familiar sight came into view, the basketball court. "Oh my G-! I'm like on the opposite side of the building!"
Shinji scratched his cheek in frustration and began mumbling under his breath. At least he knew where he was now. Figuring that since he had some time to kill he might as well take a well deserved break to sit down and eat some soup. In the near distance he found a bench under the shade of a tree, the perfect retreat. He approached the bench, brushed off a few fallen leaves, unwrapped the carefully sealed bowl and began to fill his stomach contentedly.
"Oh man! This stuff is frickin' awesome!" Shinji exclaimed as he proceeded to inhale the rest of the food (this was one of those scenes you just had to see for yourself). In a little less than three minutes the entire bowl of soup had disappeared. "Ah, after all that's been going on today I gotta say that that's one of the best meals I've had in like forever. Hmm, Ms. Chiaki sad that I'd go back to being all drowsy and stuff but I don't feel any different... Whatever, maybe it'll kick in later," he figured as he stood up with the empty bowl in hand.
So with a full stomach and destination set our hero resumed his trek to find the way out of the school. It wasn't until he traveled a good number of meters when he got this strange gut feeling; a feeling that told him that he probably shouldn't have eaten so quickly. Clapping his hand over his mouth, Shinji tried with all his might to keep himself from throwing up what he thought was the cure to the Viper Potion. With a most admirable effort, Shinji continued to make his way around the school using the walls for support. Unfortunately, Shinji's stomach just didn't feel like cooperating and when he turned the corner his will had completely reached its limit. In one jerked motion, Shinji completely emptied out the contents of his stomach.
"Ugh, what a waste," he moaned as he spat out some of the remnants in his mouth.
It wasn't until he wiped his mouth off with a handy tissue did he realize what he had done. He looked back to where he puked out his lunch and found it all over someone's sneakers. Afraid to see who it was, Shinji cautiously raised his head and saw the enraged face of none other than Touji Suzahara.
"The hell d'ya think yer doin'!" he screamed and flung some of the puke off his shoes.
"Aw man, I'm really sorry I didn't mean to…"
"You're sorry?" he screamed stepping over the puddle to get in Shinji's face. "First you gotta act like a little shit at gym and then you fucking puke all over me. D'ya have any idea how much these cost? And look, you messed up my pants too!"
"Sorry, I didn't mean to mess up your clothes. I'll buy you some new…"
"That ain't the point! I was in a hurry to get somewhere and now I gotta go back home and change. How you gonna fix that, huh?"
"Look man, I didn't see you there. It's not like I did it on purpose."
At that moment Touji grabbed Shinji by the collar and brought his face extremely close to his. "You gettin' smart with me kid?"
"What's your problem, man? I already said I'd get you new stuff for you so just chill!"
Then Touji totally snapped and socked Shinji in the face. Since Shinji still had the Viper Potion in his system, he once again spewed out a massive amount of blood and lay on the ground, bleeding a profuse amount from the mouth.
"I ain't got time to waste on your punk ass," Touji snarled as he quickly walked away, unaware that he basically just killed the boy. "And you need some breath mints. Your puke breath reeks like ass."
Seconds later, Asuka showed up appearing as though she was looking for something. Then she spotted the bloody mess. "Shinji, what do you think you're doing?" she said. "Do you know how long I've been looking for you? There's an emergency call and the first is already heading over to NERV. Hey are you listening to me? If you're just gonna lie there looking dead all day then I'm leaving without you."
And that's exactly what she did. The dying Shinji watched as Asuka disappeared from his view and when she was gone the emergency alarm began blaring.
"Today is officially the worst day of my life…"
Random Rants After the Story
A/N: Remember, if there are no quotes, there is no talking
Once again, we join the author with the mangled body of Shinji in a bikini and wig, waiting for the opportune moment to rescue her beloved puffball.
Me: waiting for the guards to turn around "Oh man guys, I gotta tell you about how I was literally reduced to tears the other day."
Guards: laughing and being stoned then pass out
Me: dragging the Shinji/Asuka towards the guards "So yeah, after a long while I decided to start playing Onimusha: DOD again; so what's the first thing I decide to do? Finally reach floor 100."
Guards: unconsciously brush off a fly as I pose Shinji/Asuka in a seductive pose against a wall
Me: carefully takes keys and opens cell and give Kirby a huge hug "KIRBY! I was just telling these guys about when I died at level 74 in the Dark Realm after 6 hours of work!"
Kirby: happily clamps onto my head and points out that we should get going
Me: sneaks past the guards as they begin regaining consciousness "Anywayz, I had to redo the Dark Realm after I stopped crying. It took me almost 5 whole freakin hours to get through the damn thing, a whole hour on the last ten floors, really freaking gay."
Guards: still stoned and start talking to Shinji thinking he's a hot chick willing to have a little fun
Me: jumps into a sewer hole to escape pursuers "Kirby, remind me to never do that again unless I'm reaaally bored."
Kirby: points out the why I shouldn't have jumped in the sewer hole
Me: stares straight at the danger "See, no one ever believes me when I say that sewers are home to alligators and passages for evil ninja clans..."
New Feature! Answer of the Day: Probably, since my legs make up most of the weight of my body... stupid thighs. But what would you need another driver's license for if you don't even have any legs? Weird-o.
New Feature! Alternate/Deleted Scene: -On the basketball court sideline
"Look it's a giant Katamari!" The girl stabbed a finger at the sky in hopes of distracting the teacher but he did nothing but give the girl a penetrating glare. "Ohkay, lets try this again… Look it's Megatron!" Still no reaction, but the little girl refused to let that discourage her. "Look it's the principal! Look Maya's flashing you her ginormous boobies! Damn not even a flinch? Look it's Godzilla! It your mom! King Kong! Hey its Jesus! OMG, Elvis lives! It's Marilyn Manson! Panda Z! Ninja zombies throwing arms! Over there, is a bird, it's a plane, no it's spandex clad Superman! Whoa, it's Ms. Kurosawa and she's teaching the class at the pool wearing a swimsuit! Ha! You took a glance! Yeah! I got you to look! Wait til I tell Ms. Yukari that you got the hots for Nyamo! Man this is precious! Ms. Yukari is gonna…!"
"Go on," said the teacher in a demonic tone. "Go on and tell, then see what happens after that…"
"…Actually now that I think about it, why waste good minutes on such trivial details, huh?" The girl laughed nervously as she put away her cell phone.
"You're the one that tried to kill my student earlier aren't you?"
"Huh? Me? I wouldn't harm a fly, ahaha!" The girl continued to laugh as she pulled her shirt over the Beretta 8000 in the back of her pants.
A/N: Uragh! So... much... dialogue... MAKE THEM SHUT UP! So yeah, that's chapter 8 for you, I can't believe how long it took me to get this out... Serious blockage, just look at that pathetic one shot I wrote a little while ago... actually don't read it; it makes me want to start clubbing kittens, seriously. The thing that really delayed this chap was the stupid basketball scene. I just couldn't take it anymore so I had to resort to commentary, which is really bad. I did not enjoy writing that scene, AT ALL! Can I say how weird the site is getting? Human verification, new look, but the profile pic a cool add, hehe. And what's with all this extra stuff? Random rants, questions of the day, deleted scenes… So much junk… unorganized and filthy, oh wait, that's my room. Anywayz, all reviews are greatly appreciated! Thanks for bearing through this chapter with me!