Anubis Gets Owned by Customer Service and Support
Or: Hey, Blame my Friends and Reviewers
Or: Karmic Payback for Fallen System Lords
Summary: This is a sequel to The Goa'uld who got Screwed by Tech Support. Ya'll can thank (blame) Bookworm37 for part of it and Duckie for the other part. This is a lot like when Ba'al gets owned, only different because it's Anubis. So there's going to be some violence.
Note: No Jaffa were harmed in the creation of this story.
Disclaimer: So, what's it like to be the village idiot?
Dedication: Readers in Tennessee, New York, Ohio and where ever they have pie.
Anubis was having a nice relaxing day at his house. He had some nice lemonade that one of his loyal Jaffa had just squeezed and he was enjoying his newly built sun room (thanks to some other Jaffa) by crocheting some new doilies for the couch in his living room when he decided that his back was sore.
Now usually when his back was sore, Anubis would demand that one of his Jaffa give him a shiatsu message, but today the fallen system lord wanted to try out his new hot tub.
So Anubis went and got his swim trunks on then jumped- yes jumped- into his new hot tub and tried to turn on the jets. The jets however aren't like Jaffa and they saw no need to conform to Anubis's every whim. The jets just refused to cooperate. So after shooting a few unsuspecting Jaffa with a handy dandy hand device for not properly warning their leader; Anubis ordered someone to bring him the yellow pages.
A quivering young Jaffa came to the sunroom carrying the local yellow pages; lucky for him he had also brought the phone so Anubis didn't shoot him. This Jaffa was also smart enough to run off after Anubis began to flip through the pages.
After a few minutes Anubis found the number for the company he had purchased his hot tub from. He dialed their customer service and support number impatiently not bothering to look at the key pad and waited even more impatiently for someone to pick up.
"'Ello?" Asked a somewhat familiar voice on the other end.
"Listen you insignificant turd!" Anubis shouted not bothering to return the customer service person's greeting. "My brand new state of the art hot tub is broken and I demand that you send someone over this instant to repair it."
"Wait, am I on glue here? You demand?" The voice on the other end sounded stunned.
"Yes. Of course. I'm a God." Anubis replied haughtily
"Like with the powers and the stuff like that?"
"Then why can't you like fix your own hot tub since you're like a God?"
"Because being a God means I get other people to do it for me."
"Then like." The customer service person paused to snap a piece of gum "Why don't you get one of your followers to do it for you?"
"Because they're busy doing other things and I don't have them with me. Now stop being an idiot if that's at all possible for you and send someone over here to fix my hot tub!" Anubis replied condescendingly
"Whoa, I just like hallucinated there. Did you like just call me an idiot?"
"Well, I guess Mr. Let's be rude to the customer service person isn't getting a repair man down to his place today."
"Listen you annoying little toad! You send me a repair man this instant or I'll destroy your company."
"Like don't have a cow man. I'll help you fix it over the phone."
Anubis groaned. He would have to do menial labor like a slave, but it was better than entrusting one of his Jaffa to fix his hot tub. "Okay fine" He seethed "Tell me what I need to do."
"Okay. Just like hold on a sec I have to like get the manual thingy for your hot tub"
"But you don't even know the make and model of my hot tub." Anubis said, too late though because he had just been put on hold and Super Girl from Hilary Duff started to play. In spite of himself Anubis began to tap his foot along to the music- it was a catchy beat. But then a Jaffa spotted him, and Anubis- fearing that someone might find out shot the hapless Jaffa with his handy dandy hand device.
"Hello? Like are you still there?" The customer service rep was finally back after Super Girl had repeated for about the fourth time.
"Unfortunately. I hope you found the correct manual for my hot tub." Anubis was highly doubtful that this person had indeed done such a thing.
"Like I hope so, you forgot to tell me the make and model so I had to grab the really, really big book."
"That's because you didn't ask me for the make and model you dimwitted piece of crap."
"Oh no, no, no. We can't have the name calling okay? It gives me negative vibes and hurts my aura."
"Uh okay." Anubis was now seriously confused and scratching his head.
"So like was it the big clunky thingy that's underneath the hot tub? Or was the thingy not even plugged in?"
"You mean the motor?"
"Yeah, that thingy. Was it that?"
"How the hell should I know? I didn't install it." Anubis fumed
"Well, maybe you should like go find who installed it and like ask that person?"
"I can't." Anubis replied sounding almost sheepish
"Oh? And why is that sir?" The customer service person sounded confused.
"I uh kinda shot him three times with a zat gun so he doesn't exist anymore." Anubis sounded extraordinarily proud of that fact. Even if he did just nearly screw himself.
"A zat gun? And he doesn't exist?"
"That is correct."
"Okay sir I'm gonna like put you on hold so I can like call the cops!"
Anubis was in shock "But what about my hot tub?"
"Oh I'm sure they'll fix it while you're in jail."
Anubis got pissed and blew up the hot tub.
"Okay like sir, you just like totally destroyed your hot tub and like well." The customer service rep "we have to charge you for like you know sending you a new one. Which will be done when you get out of jail. Have a nice day."
Anubis was about to unleash a string of profanities, but the customer service person hung up on him too fast. Not willing to stay and find out if he'd have to zat some earth cops Anubis quickly packed up his remaining living Jaffa and moved to Wyoming.
Meanwhile back at SGC Colonel Samantha Carter was grinning like a fool. "Man, I should do this more often."
Oh no! I just turned Carter into a Valley Girl!
Hey another unexpected twist. I hope you liked it. This was very different from the one with Ba'al. Oh well read and review.