Disclaimer: I own nothing of the Harry Potter Universe; I just play with the characters and make no money from them. In fact, I don't own anything, not even the plot!
Harry was sitting alone in the Gryffindor common room with an open Advanced Transfiguration book, quietly scratching out an essay when Lavender Brown pranced down the stairs from the girl's dormitories and sat in one of the wing backed chairs near the fire. Harry glanced at her briefly, dropped his head back to his essay, and then looked back at her again with a curious stare. Something was different about her, but he couldn't quite put his finger on it.
Lavender was just sitting, flipping through her new copy of Witch Weekly when she felt Harry's eyes on her. She looked over at him, and sure enough, he was just sitting there with his quill in his hand and staring blankly at her.
She gave him a pleasant smile and said, "Harry…?"
He continued to stare. He wasn't leering at her, he just appeared to be lost in thought.
"Harry? Are you awake?"
He seemed to snap out of his daze and quickly mumbled an apology. "Sorry, it's just that you look different today. I was trying to figure out what it was."
She beamed at him and asked, "Is it my hair?"
Harry focused on her golden blonde hair and it clicked, "Yes, that's exactly it! Your hair looks smashing, not that there was anything wrong before, but it certainly looks different today. What did you do to it?"
"Ah, it's a new hair cleansing potion that was developed by the fine young ladies at Beauxbatons Academy. I found the recipe in this issue." Explained Lavender while she held up her copy of Witch Weekly. "Apparently it's based on a muggle product, something called 'Charm Poo' or some such thing."
"Shampoo." Corrected Harry.
Yes, quite… anyway, the article says it works something like 'Tête et épaules,' which translates to 'Head and Shoulders,' but since apparently only muggles grow hair on their shoulders, they made the potion just for the hair on your head and called it just that… 'Tête,' or in English, 'Head.'"
"Wow, I must say that it seems to work for you, your hair looks fantastic! Head shampoo sounds great! If you made any extra, do you think you could give me some of that Head?" Harry asked excitedly, indicating the messy mop of black hair on his own head.
Lavender squealed in delight at the thought of playing hairdresser, "I'll tell you what, meet me in the prefect's bathroom in an hour and I'll be happy to give you some Head. I'll have you washed, styled, and blown dry in no time."
"And blown dry? You'd do that for me? Wow, you don't miss a lick, do you?"
Neither one of them noticed Hermione as she entered the common room through the portrait hole. She just arrived in time to hear the 'blown dry' comment and froze in her tracks. She stood in the entranceway, remaining hidden and listening intently.
Harry rubbed his chin in thought, then asked Lavender, "Say, has that stuff hit the market yet? And if it has, how expensive is Head?"
Lavender glanced at the article, "Hmmm, it says here that it's not on the public market yet, but there are some bootleg potion parlors in Knockturn Alley where you can get Head for less than 10 knuts!"
Hermione let out a squeak and covered her mouth, hoping that neither of the room's occupants had heard her.
Harry's eyes widened, "Wow, that's cheap! At that price, everybody should be getting Head."
"You've said a mouthful, Harry." Replied Lavender brightly, "That price certainly isn't hard to swallow, and I heard it's going down."
"I should tell Ron about it, I'm sure he'd love to get some Head."
"I don't know, Harry… I know it only cost a few knuts, but I honestly don't think Ron could get it up, and he can't leave Hogwarts to go buy some, anyway."
Hermione could have laughed at the comment, that is to say, if she wasn't so flustered at the topic of their conversation.
Harry again furrowed his brows in concentration, "Is Head hard to make up? I mean, I'm not a master at 'stuffing the cauldron', so to speak, so if it's really difficult… well, I suppose I could see if I could get some Head off of Slughorn…"
Hermione's eyes widened in shock. She couldn't believe what Harry was suggesting!
Lavender laughed, "You probably could get Head off of Slughorn, but you might want to try Ginny first, she has the recipe, but may take some convincing for her to spit it out. Although, I saw her giving out Head to a bunch of Slytherins just last week. I'll tell you, she made Draco blow his top!"
'Ginny and Draco?' thought Hermione, 'That's insane! What was that girl thinking? I knew she was promiscuous, but with the Slytherins?'
"Slytherins, huh? Is the stuff safe? How does it actually work?"
Lavender quickly referenced the article and showed it to Harry, who read, "St. Mungo's Hospital had Master Healer Phelattio test it out. She found that Head stiffens each limp follicle, leaving an erect, glistening shaft." He went on to read, "Then after the natural oils are sucked out of the root, it leaves the hair soft, manageable and exhausted."
"Well, Head does sound safe…" Harry thought for a moment then snapped his fingers as an idea came to him, "Hermione is a bright girl, maybe I should ask her for some Head, I mean she's best in the class, isn't she… after all, she is the Head Girl, right?"
Hermione didn't know what to think at that point. Part of her was happy that Harry thought so much of her academic skills, another part of her was furious over the idea that Harry could even think of using her that way… and another small part deep inside her got excited over the chance to show Harry exactly how she felt about him. A chance to show him that she'd do anything for him… a chance to show how much she loved him.
"Hmmm…" thought Lavender, then said to Harry, "Hermione may not approve of Head at all, but then again, you might be able to convince her to try her hand at it, but I seriously doubt it… If you do manage to get some Head from her, you'll be a lucky stiff!"
Hermione's eyes narrowed at Lavender's comment. What did she think, that she was frigid or something? Some sort of prude? Just because she takes her studies seriously, doesn't mean that her hormones weren't affecting her, just like they would with any eighteen year old girl.
"Are you kidding? If I told Hermione that I had a recipe for a something that she's never heard of, she'd be on her knees in no time, gagging for me to give it to her! She would beg me to spill it."
Hermione stood dumbfounded in the shadows, her mouth opening and closing of its' own accord. She didn't quite hear everything that Harry said, but she heard enough to wonder if Harry really thought she was that 'easy.' A sad frown appeared on her face, 'or maybe he thinks I'm that desperate…'
Lavender looked thoughtful for a moment, "Well, Parvati might be willing to give you some Head, but knowing her, she'd want something in return. You might want to surprise her with a present, maybe you could give her a pearl necklace or something."
I don't think I'd go with Parvati, I think she's still miffed at me from the 'Yule Ball' fiasco… If I asked her for Head, I'm afraid she just might bite my head clean off!"
"You may be right," said Lavender with a sigh, "Well, you can always ask Luna Lovegood to give you some Head. I kind of feel bad for the girl, hardly anyone pays attention to her. If you asked her nicely for some Head, I'll bet that she'll really get choked up."
"That's a great idea! She's a bright girl, being in Ravenclaw and all… I'm sure she'd love a chance to help me out with some Head. Thanks Lav, I think I'll give her a shot."
Hermione squared her shoulders and marched into the middle of the common room. She walked up to Harry, drew herself up to her full height and said in an angry voice, "Oh, no you don't Potter! If you're getting head off of anyone, it's going to be me! Honestly, are you so desperate that you have to ask around, begging for it? I promised you a long time ago that I'd do anything for you, so…" She sighed, as if steeling herself before she continued, "so if you need head that badly, I'll give it to you, after all, that's what best friends are for, right?"
Hermione grabbed Harry's hand and led him to the portrait hole.
"Umm, where are taking me?"
"To the Room of Requirement, of course! Do you think I'd give you… 'that…' out where anyone could see?"
Harry waved back to Lavender, who had a shocked look on her face, realizing that Hermione had the entirely wrong impression of what the conversation was about. She smiled and shrugged and said to herself, 'Well, what do you know? Who would have ever thought that Hermione, of all people! I hope Harry thanks me later!'
A/N: It's all innuendo, nothing untoward goes on in this fic, it's just shampoo, so keep your minds out of the gutter! A lot of this is referenced from an old radio skit from the 'Bob and Tom Show,' I just thought I'd adapt it to HP, just to spread the love.