Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, and I do not own this plot, it was borrowed from the Bob and Tom radio show's 'Dickens' Cider' comedy skit. Credit where credit is due is duly given here. Don't sue me, you will be disappointed.

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Chapter 3: What not to do with Extendable Ears

Ginny stared blankly at Hermione's blatantly seductive performance before shaking off the shock and storming from the table. Ron also rose from the table, wiping the pumpkin juice from his scowling face while muttering something about getting ready for the Quidditch game.

Harry looked at his watch and looked at Hermione with a twinkle in his eye that would put the late Dumbledore's to shame, "You know, we have fifteen minutes before the game starts, do you think we have enough time for a quick lather and blow-dry?"

Hermione flashed a feral grin as she dropped her fork, grabbed his hand and then pulled him away from the table from the table with such force that it rattled every plate on the Gryffindor table. A blink of an eye later, they disappeared through the door out of the Great Hall.

Fourteen minutes and thirty-five seconds later, a very dazed-looking Harry burst into the Gryffindor team changing room, still dressed in his school robes. Only a moment later, a feminine hand reach through the door from outside, grabbed his collar from behind and dragged Harry from the room. Everyone in the locker room heard Hermione mutter a hasty transfiguration, then immediately after, Harry reappeared through the door as if he were roughly pushed back into the room as Madam Hooch called for the Gryffindor team to take the field.

Ron and Ginny, wearing identical frowns, watched the display as Colin Creevy handed Harry his Firebolt and guided the glassy-eyed Gryffindor to the pitch.

As they stood waiting for the balls to be released, Colin had to nudge Harry to remind him that he needed to actually be sitting on his broom, and not just holding it in order to fly. When Madam Hooch blew the whistle, all of the players shot into the air.

Well, all of the players except for Harry, who stood on the floor of the pitch for a full thirty seconds before he noticed that he was standing there alone. He shook his head to rid himself of his stupor, while he slowly rose into the air. The Slytherin Beaters, taking advantage of the slow-moving target, started directing their fire at the befuddled Seeker.

Harry never noticed the volley of bludgers that were flying around him, his distracted eyes were too busy scanning the Gryffindor stands where he eventually caught sight of Hermione sitting on the highest bench in the stands wearing her standard uniform of a black jumper over a white shirt and her knee-length plaid skirt. The moment she saw his eyes fall on her, she gave him the biggest, most seductive grin he'd ever seen as she discreetly placed her feet on the backrests in front of her. She spread her knees, slid the hem of her skirt up her thighs and, unnoticed by anyone else, exposed the bit of her anatomy that he was enjoying only minutes before.

The noise of the crowd disappeared, all he could hear was the incredibly loud thumping of his blood in his ears. He suddenly went into a power-dive, heading straight for the ground, but never took his eyes from Hermione. Just before he hit the sand-covered floor of the pitch, he leveled off, reached his hand straight up, and then landed on the deck, taking off towards the locker room at a sprint.

He emerged seven seconds later, wearing his uniform and brandishing his wand in his hand. He looked around at all of the stunned players and spectators, who were silently staring at him. He grinned and held up is other hand, displaying the Golden Snitch that was still fluttering in his palm.

"Harry Potter has caught the snitch!" yelled the announcer, "Gryffindor wins, 150 – 0!"

Most of the team descended and crowded around Harry, except, of course, for the red-headed Keeper and the red-headed Chaser who just scowled as they floated directly towards the locker room.

Harry was desperately scanning the stands with an intense look on his face. His gaze drifted towards the castle, where he saw a bushy mass of chestnut-brown hair appear from under a black jumper that was just frantically removed.

Hermione looked back over her shoulder towards the ecstatic crowd, and upon seeing Harry's burning gaze upon her, she cheekily flipped the back of her skirt up, giving him a flash of her bare… well… cheeks, then continued running for the castle doors.

Harry's eyes glazed over as a rush of blood went south. He burst through the crowd and sprinted towards the castle, knowing exactly where she was heading.

An hour later, Harry and Hermione stumbled through the portrait hole into the Gryffindor common room, both looking extremely dazed and exhausted, but wearing wide lop-sided grins. The grins were short lived, though, because when they looked around the common room, they were met by a sea of very unhappy looking Gryffindors.

Wondering why the house wasn't celebrating their victory over Slytherin, Harry and Hermione looked at each other before he asked, "What's going on? We won, didn't we?"

Neville looked up from his chess game and said, "We couldn't get any snacks or drinks. Ron was the only one here who could get into the kitchen, but he's up in the dorm sulking about something, and before you ask, we have no idea why."

Harry and Hermione looked at each other knowingly. They were afraid that their newfound relationship would cause a problem within the trio.

"Don't worry, Neville, we'll dig something up."

Twenty minutes later, after only a few quick stops in various broom closets and empty classrooms, they arrived at the painting of the fruit bowl in the corridor leading to the Hufflepuff dorms. Harry tickled the pear and the couple entered the kitchens where they were immediately assaulted by a little house-elf crying out, "Harry Potter, Sir! And his Miss Grangey! Dobby is so happy to sees you!"

After prying the little house-elf from his legs, Harry crouched down and spoke to him, "Hello Dobby, it's good seeing you again. Is everything going all right for you?"

"Oh yes, Harry Potter, Sir! Everything is great!"

"Dobby, we need a little favor from you, if you can. You see, Gryffindor won the Quidditch game against Slytherin today, and we wanted to have a little celebration. Do you think we could get a bunch of sandwiches sent up to our common room, and maybe a few cases of butterbeer?"

Dobby's ears drooped ad he hesitantly answered, "Dobby is very sorry, Mister Harry Potter, Sir, the house-elves can make the sandwiches, but Dobby is afraids that there is no butterbeer here…." Dobby paused as an idea seemed to come to him, "Does Harry Potter likes apple cider?"

"Who doesn't?" laughed Harry, "Can you get us some cider instead?"

"There is an old house-elf here who makes his special Elven cider, Dobby will see if Dikken has any made." Dobby scampered off to the back of the kitchens and returned a minute later with the oldest house-elf that either Harry or Hermione had ever seen. He was very wrinkled, and so stooped he could only walk by leaning on a thick, crooked cane.

As the old elf approached, Harry spoke softly to him while holding out his hand, "You must be Dikken, I'm Harry Potter, and this is my girlfriend, Hermione Granger."

Harry smiled as he heard a startled squeak escape Hermione's throat when he mentioned that she was his girlfriend. He chanced a glance at her and saw her eyes staring off dreamily, much like Luna's every day expression, which caused a smile of his own to appear on his lips.

The grizzled old elf smiled as he shook Harry's hand, and in a coarse, wheezy voice, he answered, "Dikken is honoured to meet the great Harry Potter, Sir! What can Dikken do for Harry Potter?"

"Well, like we explained to Dobby, we're having a victory celebration, and we have no butterbeer," explained Hermione, "so Dobby mentioned that you make a wonderful cider and suggested that we ask you for some."

Dikken's eyes widened, "Dikken is thrilled that Miss Grangey would likes some Dikken Cider! Dikken has cider in cans, jugs, wide-mouth bottles, and easy to use boxes. For the older students, Dikken has even mades hard cider."

"Wow, that sounds great!" said Hermione, "I remember on cold winter nights my grandmother used to melt some butter in hot apple cider. It tasted wonderful!"

Harry smiled and said, "Do you think you can deliver a bunch of your cider along with the sandwiches up to the common room? Just bring a variety of all the different containers so people can have their preference."

"Dobby will takes care of it right away, Harry Potter, Sir!" With that, Dobby scampered away and the kitchen became a beehive of activity as the elves set about the task of making the snacks and gathering all the different containers of apple cider.

When Harry and Hermione stumbled through the portrait hole all flushed and sweaty, but clearly empty-handed, the hopeful group of Gryffindors who were gathered in the common room let out a collective, disappointed groan. They watched as Ginny flashed them an angry scowl before climbing the stairs towards the boys' dorms while muttering something about 'undependable gits.'

Harry announced to the group that they had indeed, arranged for drinks and snacks, and the house-elves would be delivering them shortly. The mood in Gryffindor Tower improved considerably after that announcement and sure enough, not five minutes passed when heaping trays of food began appearing on the desks and tables, and large boxes appeared stacked near the fireplace, all labeled 'Dikken's Cider.'

Neville saw the large crates and asked incredulously, "Harry, is that what I think it is?"

Harry smiled as he opened up the large boxes. Dean stared open-mouthed as Harry pulled out a bunch of small drink boxes and began handing them out to the first and second year students.

"Wow!" exclaimed Dean, "That's the cider made by the house-elf, Dikken! That stuff is bloody fantastic! How did you convince him to part with his private stock?"

Harry said, "Because I'm Harry Potter, champion of the house-elf liberation front! I have just one rule, the younger students don't get the hard cider. It's loaded with alcohol, and we don't want a bunch of drunk minors stumbling around… Well? Let's get this party started!"

A loud whoop sounded from everyone in the common room as the boxes, cans, wide-mouth bottles and massive jugs of cider were passed around.

Ron was sitting grumpily on his bed when Ginny stepped through the door, saying to her brother, "It looks like the two lovebirds weren't able to convince the elves to cough up the goods. You should have seen everyone's faces when they came back with nothing."

"Well, I'm certainly not in a partying mood." He commented angrily.

That was when the siblings heard the loud cheering come from the common room. Ron and Ginny looked at each other, wondering what was going on. Ginny wore a sly smirk as she pulled a pair of extendable ears from her pocket and handed one to her brother. They both crossed the dorm, sat down by the door and fed the thin, flesh-coloured tendrils under the door.

Harry was sitting on the bottom step of the staircase that led to the dorms, never noticing the two tendrils that snaked their way from the top of the stairs. He wore an amused grin as he watched all of the happy Gryffindors eating, drinking and chatting up a storm. Seamus walked up to him and rested his hand on Harry's shoulder.

"Wow, Harry, you sure came through for us. I just left Lavender over there, and she's really excited. Who would have ever guessed that she never had a Dikken's Cider before?"

Ron choked and Ginny let out a startled gasp.

"Were you the one to give her the first Dikken's Cider?" asked Harry.

"Yeah, Dean wanted to give her a Dikken's Cider box, but I got to her first and gave her a Dikken's Cider wide-mouth. After she had the first taste, she really started swallowing it down. She sucked it dry in less than a minute."

Harry laughed as he motioned to Lavender, "Well it looks like Dean finally gave her his Dikken's Cider Box after she finished with yours."

Ron's face was practically glowing red at the thought of his ex-girlfriend performing lewd acts in the middle of the common room, when she never even let him feel her up when they were dating.

Harry noticed Hermione across the room, demurely sipping a mug of hot buttered cider. She tipped the mug upside-down to get the last drops as Harry's eyes lingered over the exposed skin of her stretched throat, sending a copious amount of blood to his expanding nether-regions.

Seamus noticed Hermione draining her mug, and saw the cauldron of cider warming in the fireplace. He turned to Harry and said, "Hey, it looks like Hermione could use another hot, buttered Dikken's Cider, do you mind if I give one to her?"

Harry chuckled as he answered, "Sure thing, after all, what are friends for, just make sure you use extra butter, she likes it like that."

Ginny had her mouth hung open in disbelief. Maybe she was wrong about Harry and Hermione. If he could so easily send Seamus over to have sex with Hermione, maybe she still had a chance of getting back together with him.

When dean left to go pour Hermione another hot, buttered cider, Neville came up and stood beside him. They watched as Parvati pulled two huge jugs of cider out from a crate and lifted them over her head as she made her way to the cauldron to refill it. She handed the jugs to Dennis Creevy, who was manning the cauldron.

"Harry, do you see Parvati's jugs? Those things are huge!" He then called ocer to Colin, "Hey Colin, do you have your camera with you? Make sure you get a few shots of Parvati with the Dikken's Cider jugs, and get a few shots of Hermione, too!"

"Yeah, they sure look tasty. Dennis seems to like the big Dikken's Cider jugs."

Neville looked at the can of cider in Harry's hand, "What about you?" asked Neville, "Do you and Hermione prefer a Dikken's Cider can?"

"We love it! I know that once I have my Dikken's Cider can, I feel better almost immediately, and Hermione says that even a small Dikken's Cider can could relieve the stress of a hectic day of classes!"

Both Ron and Ginny looked at each other with horrified faces. The thought of anal sex never occurred to Ron, and Ginny was shocked to find that Hermione actually preferred sex 'that' way. She was beginning to question if she wanted to get back together with Harry, knowing that she would never allow anything inside of her arse.

Neville gave Harry a wan smile. Sensing that he was troubled about something, Harry asked, "Hey, mate, what's wrong?"

"Well, I was just wishing Ginny was here. I'd love to give her a hard Dikken's Cider. I really think she'd like it, but…"

Harry smiled at the thought of Ginny getting drunk on hard cider, "Neville, I think I saw her go up to the boys' dorm with Ron. I think it would be nice of you if you were to go up there and give her a hard Dikken's Cider. I'm sure she'd appreciate it coming from you."

Harry watched as Neville's face turned ashen, "You really wouldn't mind? I know you dated her last year, and I wouldn't want you to think…"

"Neville, I'd be fine with it, even if I was still dating her. I wouldn't have a problem with you giving her a hard Dikken's Cider. It's not like you'd be kissing her, after all."

Ginny flushed a brilliant red at the thought of Neville making love to her, although the thought of sex with no kissing would make her feel a bit like a slag. Ron was red for an entirely different reason, outraged at the thought of Harry whoring off his baby sister. As they listened they could hear Parvati's voice calling loudly from across the common room, "Hey! What's a girl gotta do to get a hard Dikken's Cider?" Hermione's voice immediately chimed in, "Yeah, and I need more butter!"

Neville was distracted when he spotted Colin Creevy making his way to a group a third years. "Hey Harry, it looks like Colin is trying to give Carin Barron a hard Dikken's Cider."

"Dammit!" muttered Harry in an annoyed tone before calling over to Colin, "Colin! Don't let me catch you giving Carin a hard Dikken's Cider!"

Colin burned red with embarrassment over being caught, "Sorry Harry," he called back, "but she was begging me for it!"

"She's much too young! Just give her a Dikken's Cider wide-mouth, that should shut her up nicely!"

When Harry let out an aggravated sigh, Neville said, "Don't worry about it, I'll go over and make sure each of the younger girls only get a Dikken's Cider box."

Harry nodded and Neville walked away.

Ron was gritting his teeth in anger and he felt his hands ball into fists. Now Harry was sending men to service underage girls? He was just about to withdraw the extendable ear when he noticed that the buzz of conversation in the common room suddenly stopped, replaced with a deafening silence.

He heard the voice of Professor McGonagall ring out through the common room, "Well," she said in her usual stern brogue, "It seems everyone is enjoying the Quidditch victory." Ron and Ginny each cracked broad grins. They were quite sure that the orgy that was taking place in the common room would result in quite a few expulsions.

He heard Harry's voice call out, "Hey Seamus, why don't you welcome the good Headmistress with a big Dikken's Cider wide-mouth. I'm sure she's never had anything like it before!"

McGonagall smiled at him and said, "I'm quite familiar with it, Mr. Potter, but I'd much prefer what Miss Granger's having… If I'm not mistaken, she's got a hot, buttered Dikken's Cider? I'd like one of those, if you please."

The grins on the siblings' faces disappeared, replaced with disgust at the idea that the Gryffindor boys were 'servicing' the Headmistress 'that' way.

Dean Thomas, who was already slightly buzzed by the large amounts of hard cider he was drinking, walked unsteadily up to Harry.

"Hiyas, Harry. This is a great idea you had. Everyone's really getting into the spirit of things!"

"Yeah," replied Harry happily, "I've never seen the common room this excited before. I saw you over there taking care of Lavender, did everything come out all right?"

"Yeah, once I gave her a Dikken's Cider box, she couldn't get enough of it. I tried to give Hermione a Dikken's Cider wide-mouth, but she said it was too big."

"I know, anything that comes in quarts is too much for her, but I've discovered that she just loves the Dikken's Cider can." Harry then glanced up the stairs, thinking about his estranged best mate and his ex-girlfriend.

He looked across the room to Hermione, who was looking back at him, knowing that he wanted to try to make peace with Ron and Ginny. He felt the time was right when Hermione smiled and nodded at him. He gave Dean a knowing smile and said, "Why don't you go over and give Hermione a Dikken's Cider can for me, I think I'm going to go have a talk with a certain pair of stubborn siblings."

Upon hearing that, Ron and Ginny withdrew the extendable ears and hastily stashed them in their pockets just before the door creaked open. Harry stepped into the room, looking somewhat subdued.

"Hi, guys," Harry said quietly, while Ron and Ginny glared at him coldly, "I understand how you guys feel, and so does Hermione. We never meant to become a couple, it just happened."

Harry became even more uncomfortable under their identical, scrutinizing stares, "I just wanted to say that both Hermione and I miss you two. You've been a part of our lives for so long… well…"

When he was still met with a chilly silence, he continued, "Ron, Hermione doesn't understand exactly what you're off about, but everyone's down there enjoying their Dikken's Cider, and I'm sure she'd love you to join in.

Upon hearing that, Ron turned from an embarrassed crimson to a mortified purple as Harry turned to Ginny and with an unreadable smile said, "and I'd be honored if you'd come down and partake in the festivities, I believe Neville has something he'd like to give you. I any case, it's all up to you."

With that, Harry turned and left the dorm. Ginny's heart was beating madly in her chest while Ron was failing miserably at keeping his 'little cannon' under control at the thought of Hermione wanting his dick inside her.

Ron, with a dazed look on his face, wasn't about to give up the chance of finally showing Hermione how he was a much better lover than Harry ever could be, while Ginny's thoughts turned to Neville's hard dick inside her.

They glanced at each other for only a moment before a pair of wide, leering grins splayed across their faces as they quickly shed their clothing and raced out of the dorm and down the stairs into the common room.

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A flurry of frightened birds took to the sky above the Forbidden Forest, while below, Gwarp cowered behind a small hill as all of the small, woodland creatures scampered into their dens and burrows, terrified by the wailing screech of Professor McGonagall that echoed out from the halls of Hogwarts. To this day, the Weasley siblings hold the record for the most consecutive days of detention in all of Hogwarts history.

And what of Harry and Hermione? Well, they spent all of their free time in the Room of Requirement, Hermione giving Harry as much Head as he could handle, and Harry making sure that Hermione had enough hard Dikken's Cider to keep her wearing a goofy grin for the rest of the school year.

Yes, 'Harry's Bad Hair Day' didn't turn out so bad after all.

The end. (Yes, it is the end... no more... REALLY! I MEAN IT!)