A Letter to Home
Disclaimer: Neither Sam nor Supernatural are in anyway mine (unfortunately) – see E. Kripke for ownership details.
Summary: Sam writes home from Stanford not long after arriving.
Rating: I mild curse
You would probably find it amusing to know that this is not the first time I have started this letter. It's not even the second or third, there is a growing pile of screwed up balls of paper next to me on the floor. Why is it that it is so difficult to write to you? Even the assignments I've been doing haven't been this hard to write, do you realise that?
I wanted you to know that things are okay here. I'm beginning to settle in although I'm still finding it quite strange; it's so different to anything we've ever really known. I've got myself a job – in the library. I know what you said but a bar just didn't feel right, no matter what you said about the chicks. Anyway, I'd probably be more likely to meet the right kind of girl for me in the library. I may as well be honest with myself. You'd be surprised I've been to a couple of parties (not many – nowhere near as many as you would consider acceptable! But my assignments are up-to-date and I'm getting good grades so far. You don't need to say it – I hear it all the time in your voice 'Geek Boy'). I've started to make friends too. It's odd, it's a feeling I can't say I really remember from school, I suppose we hardly ever got past the 'new kid' stage and with the hunting and, well, everything else, we never really fit in did we? Here without the hunting and everyone is new, I can be a 'normal' person – not as easy as I thought it would be. I'm trying to blend in and camouflage my edges but I keep turning up things that I don't know how to handle. It's difficult when they talk about home and their old school and friends but most of all it's hard when they talk about family. Do you think they'd understand if I told them about you, me and Dad? How we lived? What we did? How it felt? Why we did it? What if I told them about me and Dad without you? At least, you are proud of me, aren't you Dean? Dad, does he even give a damn now that I've gone? Don't worry, I've no intention of telling them anything about my past but it makes me sad that because I say nothing about the past, I say nothing about you, about how you did all you did for me and got me here where I wanted to be.
It's odd; I keep turning around looking for you, to tell you something. I know you're with Dad and that I made the choice to come here but I don't think I've ever gone so long without talking to you. It's hard. I know you told me to call but somehow I just think if I do, everything will fall apart. I'm not sure I could continue this if I spoke to you right now and heard your voice. Anyway, I've got to stick this out. I have to make this work. I'm not a hunter like Dad. I won't become a hunter like Dad. I want… something else, anything else.
I'm sorry for leaving you behind. In my heart, I hoped, right up until you put me on the bus and walked away, that you would come too. I never wanted to leave you behind.
It's weird but somehow without you here I feel like something is missing. I suppose it's just because I'm used to sharing rooms with you, more than that I'm used to sharing my life with you – everything was always so close and intense – you do know that life isn't like that for other people don't you? No-one here would understand if I told them how I feel not to have you here. Some of the girls have talked about being homesick but it isn't that – I think you warrant a whole new word – I'm feeling distinctly 'Dean-sick' as opposed to my usual 'sick of Dean' feeling.
I wouldn't be here if it weren't for you. Thank you. I know it hurt you to see me leave as much as it hurt me to go, if I'm honest probably more. At least I had the excitement and the future to look forward to and the fact that it was my decision. It's not too late, you can come join me anytime – we'll find a way to make it work.
Dean, I need to tell you this but it's difficult to know how to put it into words. In my heart, I have believed for a long time now that the life you and Dad are leading is not the life Mom wanted for us. I know that you will say I don't remember her and that you and Dad do and that I shouldn't talk about things I don't understand but Dean, I do understand. I understand, because for all of my life, you made sure that I knew just how much Mom loved me. You told me about what it was like before she died, the things she did and how she smelled and looked and smiled and spoke. Thanks to you, I have a picture in my mind and a warmth in my heart that I believe are the pieces of Mom that you nurtured for me. Those pieces tell me that this isn't what she wants and that as much as she wanted you to protect me and be my big brother, she would want me to tell you the truths you don't see.
You are a peace-maker, Dean. Hell, those guys at the United Nations don't have a patch on you. You could have negotiated down Hitler on a good day. You weathered so many storms between Dad and I and neither of us ever acknowledged it. If the blows we rained on you had been physical, I don't think even you could have stayed standing but they weren't physical, we damaged your soul, your essence. I, for one, am sorry for my part. I want you to know I never wanted to hurt you, but you were just there and … I can't excuse myself. We're getting dangerously near my adding this letter to the growing pile of discards. Some things are just never mentioned between Winchesters, just understood, right bro?
I'm going to close and behave for the moment like I have every intention of posting this letter to you. It's come the nearest of all the ones written so far to actually saying what I want to, what I can and what I think you might just read. What a mess we are! Neither of us very good at talking! Do you think it would have been different if Mom hadn't…? It doesn't really make any difference does it? Mom did die, Dad didn't move on from that, but you and I, Dean, what about us? Are we still trapped on that night? Can you break free? Have I?
Thank you and I miss you. (Five words that I need you to really believe I mean).
Author's Note: Thank you for reading, hope you enjoyed it and now it would be great if you would review too please! If people like this and think it works, I have some ideas for a possible series of letters between the brothers (the question remains whether they would actually post them or would they just write them and hang on to them!). For now, I shall post this as a WIP but if this seems to be enough then I shall change it to Complete in a few days.