Dirty Little Secret

Written by Shaun Garin

Justice League Unlimited and all other storylines in the DCAU are owned DC Comics and WB Animation. Props to those in on the joke. This fiction is in the same universe as the JLAC universe, and all jokes are extrapolated from humourous observations of all materials within.

April 10, 2056 AD
Gotham City, Wayne Manor, Batcave 5:44PM


Terry jumped a little at the voice behind him and he swivelled in Bruce's comfy chair to stare at the elderly man. "Geez, Bruce. Don't scare me like that."

"As Batman, you should be doing the scaring," reprimanded Bruce, but he joined Terry at the Cray computer system. Staring at the computer logs that were displayed on the system monitor, Bruce's forehead wrinkled in confusion. "What are you doing?"

"Warhawk found these on the League computers," replied Terry, trying his best to hack and decrypt the encodings on the files. "I was talking to Static on how to get some new prank material on Superman, and they recommended for me and Warhawk to check the logs in April of 2006 on the Watchtower. What we found was nearly a month of encrypted station logs."

Bruce's mouth quirked upwards as Terry punched a few more buttons. "Call me when you're done."

Leaving Terry to his confusion, McGinnis returned to work and tapped a few more buttons, hoping in vain that Bruce's programs would decipher the encryption. What could have been so bad that the station classified sensor logs?

Five hours later, Terry wandered upstairs to where Bruce was enjoying a pot of tea. "I don't get it, Bruce," said Terry as he sat down and poured himself a cup. "I managed to decode the sensor logs but all I got was Superman looking peeved as he stormed down the hallways while an old Latin song was blaring in the background."

Bruce, to Terry's surprise, chuckled. "Are you feeling okay?" asked Terry.

"It's an old joke," said Bruce, hiding his wild smirk behind his cup. "Let me tell you a story that involved Clark and an old CGI movie..."

May 10, 2006 AD
Watchtower, Currently Over Kansas 8:32 AM

"Not again," winced Superman as the music began to play overhead. Trying to avoid triggering the sensors by coming in on Javelin, Superman grumbled as he swept down the hall, his cape billowing with the quickness of his steps in order to turn the music off at the source.

Many of the younger League members were snickering at the ire that the music was generating in the Man of Steel and he practically burst into the central area, his cape fluttering and looking steamed as his eyes glowed angry red.

"Now THAT is a Sephiroth entry," grinned Booster Gold. Elongated Man dragged him away before the pair could get in the path of the angry looking man.

"Shut it down, J'onn," snapped Superman and J'onn gave him a placid look.

"I rather like it," replied the Martian but did as he was told. "I don't see what's the problem, Clark. It's two kids having fun."

"That movie," grit out Superman and he collapsed into the nearby chair, "Is going to be the death of me. I tried coming up here on Javelin, J'onn. And still, the damn music is playing. Did you know they hid all of my uniforms and replaced them with Sephiroth outfits? I had to get Ma and Pa to make me this one so that I'd actually be in uniform, not a Sephiroth costume."

"It gets worse," said J'onn and Superman was CERTAIN he caught J'onn's lips flickering into a smirk. "Try walking more."

Superman got up and took a step. Des ras...

Hurridly sitting down, Superman cursed silently under his breath, long and rapidly. "Isn't there anything I can do to stop this?"

"Afraid not," replied J'onn. "I think it's actually boosting morale, knowing that their illustrious leader has embraced the Dark Side."

"NOT FUNNY," grit out Superman.

"Hey, Big S," quipped Flash, appearing out of nowhere in a rush of air. "I saw the movie. Bang up job there, just awesome."

"Yeah, I think there should be a sequel," grinned his companion, Green Arrow. "I remember Wally here always played the game at my place with Roy. Good to know that since you've embraced the Dark Side, you decided to become the most awesome bad-ass in the history of villains."

Superman buried his face in his hands and Flash patted him on the shoulder. "You know, it's not so bad really. Sure now you're even MORE of a household name and you voiced him in the Kingdom Hearts 2 game, right?"

"Wally, you're not helping," said J'onn but the Martian looked throughly amused, a fact of life coming from living with a nice human woman.

"Yeah, well I suppose I should dig out my game. I think there's a big TV in the rec room we can use, right Ollie?"

"True, true," said Green Arrow, slapping Flash on the shoulder as they sauntered out the elevator. "I have a save file on my old PSX Memory Card. I wanna show everyone my famous One-Hit-Kill Combo on Sephiroth..."

"It ain't a one-hit-kill combo if you just summon Knights," was Flash's last remark as they got out of any normal person's hearing range.

"I stand corrected," said J'onn and his shoulders were shaking in amusement. "You'll NEVER live this down."

Superman grimced, got up and ignoring the music that suddenly revved itself up once more, he said, "I'm going out. I think there's some hard-light holograms that deserve my undivided attention."

J'onn actually grinned as Superman stalked out. A few minutes later, Wonder Woman walked into the room, looking utterly confused. "J'onn, why is Clark carving up holograms with a giant six foot katana?"

The Martian broke out into mad laughter and Diana, Princess of the Amazons felt that there was some type of joke she was obviously missing out, coupled with the timed music of each of Clark's swings of Masamune.

April 24, 2006 AD
Daily Planet, 3:24 PM
Perry's Office

"You must be kidding me, Perry," said Lois. "A movie event?"

"Not just a movie event, THE movie event of the early spring," replied Perry, looking unperturbed at Lois' statement. "The media have been hyping the release of the movie since early last year and now that it's premiering in Metropolis with a FULL CAST, well..."

Lois sighed and said, "It's a geek movie. Jimmy spent hours playing the game several years ago when it came out originally."

"So then take him along, get some good shots of the voice actors," said Perry.

"Fine, fine," sighed Lois. "I'll get Smallville and we'll hit the theatre."

"About that," added Perry, "Clark has got the evening off. It's just you and Jimmy tonight. Be sure to dress well for the occasion."

Lois made a face. "Great. This is going to be the worst movie premiere ever."

April 25, 2006 AD
Metropolis Multiplex Theatre, 6:47 PM

"This is going to be the BEST MOVIE PREMIERE EVER!" crowed Jimmy, excited as he practically danced around, getting shots of the people around the room. "The best movie based on the best game ever...!"

"Don't get too caught up on fanboy hype," remarked Lois as she straightened her dress. She and Jimmy were dressed well for the occasion, Jimmy more so as it seemed to be a sacred event for him. Scowling and wishing that Clark was here to share her pain, the limos began to pull up. "It'll probably bomb like the last one did."

Actor after actor appeared from the limos, some of which Lois interviewed for the sake of the paper, as well as the director of the movie, a short Japanese man. And then finally, the last voice actor arrived, and here, Jimmy's camera flashed repeatedly.

The voice of one of the title characters had been kept under wraps for months. Not even fanboy speculation could even penetrate the veil of secrecy that was wrapped around the voice of the most famous video game villain of all. The limo pulled up and a stoic looking man opened up the door to reveal...

If Lois would have been drinking something, she would have choked on her drink. "Superman!" she exclaimed, and Jimmy shared her expression.

As a promotion for the movie, Superman stood there, dressed in full regillia for the event. Bare chest, black straps wrapped around his front, leather pants and jacket, metal lined shoulders. Even though he wore a wig of silver that went almost to his knees and he carried a sword that was long as he was tall, he carried his red cape with the stylized S on the front.

Lois was, for once speechless and Jimmy went into full fanboy mode as Superman swept past them, looking every inch The General.

"You're looking wonderful tonight," said Superman as he sidled up to Lois. The pre-movie dinner was being held in the lobby and the press and stars were mingling. It was noted that Superman wasn't the only one who was in full character dress; even the voice actor for Red XIII had a pelt wrapped around his shoulders. Lois gave him a look.

"Since when did THIS happen?" she demanded and Superman looked sheepish as Jimmy nodded, wanting an answer.

"It was a while ago," replied Superman. "I saved a group of people in Japan when the director grabbed me off the street, saying I was perfect for the English voice cast. I didn't even know what the movie was about until they gave me the script."

"And you wound up the voice of The General!" enthused Jimmy happily. "Sephiroth! The most awesome villain of all time!"

"Yeah. Nice chest, Superman," added Lois and Superman blushed.

"Believe me, I wouldn't have worn this if the director didn't insist on it," said Superman, tugging on the leather and metal. "Do I look goofy in it?"

"Well," said Lois, "the bare chest has to go, but I think you'd look good in silver and black."

Superman was about to say something when a beeping was heard only to him. Tabbing his earpiece, he said, "Go ahead."

"Superman," said Mr. Terrific, "I hate to bother you on your day off, but there's a situation that requires your presence. I'm teleporting you there now."

"Hold on, wait-!" Without warning, Superman vanished in a flurry of silver and blue light.

"You could have warned me about that," said Superman, looking peeved. "I don't have my outfit with me!"

"Sorry, but it's difficult down there," said Mr. Terriffic and Superman looked over the edge. Aquaman went flying across the docks and Superman winced. "You'd better get down there. Half of those villians are from your rogues gallery."

"Don't I know it," said Superman. He then looked at his outfit, debating and then smirked. "Well, when in Rome..." His heat vision ignited and he begun to melt the steel in the sword, quickly reshaping it. Then, picking up some pieces of broken lead, he started to weld.

"You see, my dear?" said Metallo, tossing Elongated Man aside. "There's nothing we can't do if we stick together. I admit Grodd's old Secret Society was a misfire, but then again, there are things we can do without having that overbearing ape on our backs."

Livewire nodded and she turned over to Paracite who was finished draining Flash of power. "Paracite, get a move on!"

"Right, I'll be with you in a... Oh CRAP."

"What're you staring at, Paracite?" demanded Livewire, looking up to where Paracite was standing, pointing a hand and trembling. Livewire's expression paled even more and Metallo looked up.

Standing overhead in thin air and looking very much mean and menacing was Superman, still dressed in his Sephiroth outfit. The big change he made to his outfit however was a hastily made lead-shield that went over his bare chest. Masamune, forged strong with new metals from a combonation of heat vision and new metals scattered everywhere glinted in the sunlight. "Nice to see you all again," rumbled Superman and surprisingly, it was a downed Vigalante that exclaimed, "Well shoot me in the mouth and call me a horse's uncle, it's SEPHIROTH!"

The reactions were varied. Paracite was trembling in fear, as with Livewire. Control Freak, wet himself and passed out. Metallo looked confused, as he had never heard of Final Fantasy, but judging by the rest of the villians he worked with, the one up in the air was obviously scary indeed.

Sephiroth flew at Paracite at blinding speeds and the man, too scared to walk from seeing a vision of death before him, got smashed upside the head. The man passed out and he turned around. Masamune glinted and Livewire swallowed hard.

"Why are you scared of him?" demanded Metallo. "This is how you deal with flying pests."

His eyes glowed and green energy flashed out. Sephiroth, flew to the side and Metallo continued to fire. Demonstrating uncanny agility, Sephiroth's Masamune smashed right into the chunk of kryptonite that powered Metallo. The light went out in Metallo's eyes and he collapsed like a ton of bricks.

"Now for you," said Sephiroth, turning towards Livewire. The girl, too petrified in fear to do anything, succumbed to a clock on the head.

"Am I late?" asked Superman, appearing in a rush of blue and silver light, startling a couple of people.

"Almost," said Lois, looking him over. "What happened to the outfit?"

Superman looked down at the lead shielding over his chest and hastily unhooked it. "Sorry, was called in and had no time to change."

"Yow, careful!" exclaimed Jimmy as Superman's Masamune cut a swathe of floor away. "Did you reforge the sword too!"

"Um, yeah," said Superman, looking sheepish. "Metallo. Had to keep my distance. Sword's long enough for that."

"And the shield on the chest?" Jimmy pressed and Superman nodded. "Looks stylish."

"We need to get you a sheath before you hurt someone," remarked Lois.

April 26, 2006 AD
The Watchtower, Currently Over California

"Welcome aboard, sir," said the Watchtower technician as Superman materialized in the main area. "It's..."

Before the man could finish his thought, a heavy orchestrated song begun to play on all levels in the Watchtower. People looked up as it grew in intensity and volume before the heavy guitars kicked in. Superman looked shocked for a moment and then highly amused as people started exclaiming "Hail Sephiroth! Hail Mother!" all over the area. From all walks of life from Superheroes to technicians and workers.

Feeling amused, Superman strode out to ops, the chorus kicking in with the music blaring loud and clear.

April 27, 2006 AD
The Watchtower Daily Message System

To those who have reprogrammed the sound system to play One Winged Angel upon Superman's arrival, please stop. It is starting to upset our illustrious leader.

April 28, 2006 AD
The Watchtower Daily Message System

To those who had pilfered Superman's extensive wardrobe of uniforms, we must ask for their return. And please do not charge 50 Sephiroth outfits to the Watchtower budget. That is all.

April 29, 2006 AD
The Watchtower Daily Message System

For those inclined and not in the joke, there will be a screening of Final Fantasy Advent Children in the Recreation Room. Also, please whoever is responsible for reprogramming the Watchtower computers to play One Winged Angel whenever Superman is on the station, please come and undo the damage.

April 30, 2006 AD
The Watchtower Daily Message System

The residental wing has asked for the music to stop being piped over when Superman is pulling a night shift. It disturbs their sleep. Also, those in the Recreation Room are also asked to keep the volume down when playing Final Fantasy VII.

May 1, 2006 AD
The Watchtower Daily Message System

Those who have abducted Masamune from Superman's on-board room please return it. It is not a toy and it is sharp enough to cut thorough most of the League Members.

May 2, 2006 AD
The Watchtower Daily Message System

Attention League Members: Although your intentions are good, fashioning Materia for our esteemed leader has little merit when made out of a piece of Yellow Kryptonite. That is all.

May 3, 2006 AD
The Watchtower Daily Message System

Attention League Members: Please stop the music. Everyone is getting sick of it.

10:45 AM Announcement:

Attention League Members: JENOVA's Theme is not an adequate subsitute for the One Winged Angel theme. Only silence. Please rectify this immediately. Please do not bribe Administrator J'onn Jonzz with Oreos to continue playing One Winged Angel.

May 7, 2006 AD
The Watchtower Daily Message System

For our off-world League members who are not inclined into Earth Popular Culture, NO, Superman has not turned to the Dark Side. That is all.

April 10, 2029 AD
Gotham City, Wayne Manor, Batcave 11:44PM

"Wait, hold up," interrupted Terry. "What happened to May 6?"

"Clark broke every speaker in the Watchtower," said Bruce. "It took us the better part of the day to repair them."

"Oh," said Terry. "Okay, move on."

"There isn't much else to say," said Bruce, setting his cup down. "Clark finally put an end to the madness. It turns out that Gear and Static were the ones behind it, considering they're such big fans of the game. Of course, West and Queen helped as well along with much of the League."

"Interesting. And Superman hasn't done anything since?"

"There's the occasional prank war, but nothing as long running as that," said Bruce. "And certainly never centered on one person all the time. You'd best get out on patrol; feels like a busy night ahead."

"I'll do that." Getting up, Terry headed out of the room, leaving Bruce feeling like another prank was about to happen. Silently, he resolved to be on the Watchtower when it happened.

"Hey Sephiroth," greeted one Leaguer and Superman twitched. Naw, could have been a coincidence.

"Yo, Sephiroth," added another and Superman blinked, knowing fully he heard the name once more.

"Sephiroth, my man!" Exclaimed a third and Superman grasped his arm. The League member looked at the big man in charge and said, "Something wrong, General?"

"Who put you up to this?" asked Superman.

"No one," said the League member and Superman let go of his arm.

Storming down to the Rec Room, Superman walked in and said, "What's going on... here?"

"Hey," said Warhawk, sitting and watching the movie on the big screen. Superman felt a sinking sensation as the person Cloud was fighting on the screen was HIM. Someone had dug up that little incident and he had a suspicion on WHO did it.

"McGinnis!" bellowed Superman and Batman was there, poking his head into the room.

"You called, illustrious leader?" asked Batman and Superman turned towards him.

"A prank is good, but not when it copies someone," said Superman.

Batman smirked. "Who said anything about copying? Gear and Static put us up to the screening and showing."

Superman twitched. Then, composing himself and walking out, he remarked, "You know... Masamune likes bats and hawks." Then he left, leaving the pair behind. Speaking of Masamune, it was long overdue for a workout.