Link goes to the San Diego Zoo!

By: Shannon, a San Diegan

(NOTE: I do not own the characters in this fanfic)

Link was riding Epona across Hyrule Field one day when he spotted a secret grotto located near Gerundo Valley. He climbed off of Epona to check it out.

"Hey, this is cool!" said Link. "I never saw this before." Just as he was about get back on Epona and ride back to Hyrule Castle, Epona accidentally bumped into him and he fell into the secret grotto.

Seconds later, Link fell flat on his butt on solid asphalt. "Ow!" he yelled. "Now where the heck am I?"

He looked around. There were people everywhere: tourists, visiting college students, school groups, etc. A group of people stood in front of an exhibit of flamingos, taking their picture. "I must be in a zoo!" Link exclaimed.

Link went to the information hut located at the entrance of the zoo. "May I have a map, please?" he asked.

"Sure, son," said the elderly guide. "Here ya go. Oh, and if you've been out of the United States for 5 days or more, you need to go to the General Information office about Foot and Mouth disease."

"Oookay," said Link to himself. "We never had anything like that in Hyrule. They might have it in England but not Hyrule. At least Talon has a tub of disinfectant for me to step in when I visit his ranch and I always have a tub of disinfectant when I go to get Epona."

Link looked at his map and found out that he had landed in the San Diego Zoo. "Cool!" he thought to himself as he changed his rubies into American money. "Now I can go on that tour bus ride!"

After paying an expensive $5 to go on the tour bus, Link had a decision to make: either to sit at the top level of the bus, exposed to the elements like heat, rain, etc. or stay safe and ride on the lower level. Link selected the lower level, since the line for the upper level was really long. He picked out a seat next to a window as the tour guide got on his headset and welcomed the tourists on board.

"Welcome to the San Diego Zoo! My name is Matt and I'll be your tour guide for this 35-40 minute long ride! You will get a chance to see a variety of species we have here at the zoo and if you want to see our sister zoo, be sure to drive 45 minutes to the San Diego Wild Animal Park!"

Link was starting to enjoy himself when he was distracted by a school group of kids yelling and screaming behind him.

"Did not!" said one kid.

"Did too!" said another.

"I'm gonna tell Miss Smith that you pulled my hair, Brian!" said one girl.

"Ooooooh, Mr. Jones! Ryan said a bad worddddddddd!" said a kid.

"I did not say any bad words, Cooper!" snapped Ryan.

"Hey guys, settle down, this is a bus tour," said Mr. Jones.

"YES MISTER JONES!" said the kids in unison.

"Good," thought Link to himself. "I'd thought I'd have to actually LISTEN to that on the tour."

"Oookay," said Matt, the tour guide. "Let's get this show on the road! Now as we're exiting the bus station, you'll see on your right the infamous Tiger River. It's a walkthrough exhibit that we will not cover on our tour, however, after the tour, you may go back and visit Tiger River. The exhibit is designed to mimick the habitat the tigers live in. The San Diego Zoo houses more than 150 species of plants here, and you will get a glimpse at some of these plants...."

As the bus tour began, Link felt something wet and sticky on his green cap. He checked it and sure enough, some kid stuck a big wad of ABC gum on it.

"Hee hee hee," giggled a little boy behind him.

"Now, now, Teddy," said Miss Smith. "That's not nice of you to put gum on that man's hat."

"Sorry Mister," said Teddy.

"Sheesh," thought Link to himself. "I almost thought these were WELL-DISCIPLINED children."


After the bus tour and 45 spitballs later, Link got off the bus and went to the bathroom to get the wad of gum off of his cap. Luckily, it managed to slip right off with a little water.

"Good thing it was my cap and not my hair," said Link, putting his cap back on. Just as he was about to leave the bathroom, he ran into Teddy, the kid who put the gum on his cap in the first place.

"You're a weirdo," said Teddy. "I bet you eat flies for breakfast!"

"Well, I bet you eat worms for lunch and cockroaches for dinner, kid," said Link.

One of Teddy's friends overheard Link and started to tease him. "Hey, that weirdo said you eat worms for lunch and cockroaches for dinner! Ha, ha, ha, ha....."

"I do not eat that stuff, Billy!" snapped Teddy. Billy ignored Teddy's outburst and continued to laugh as Link left the bathroom.

"Kids these days," said Link. "At least mine aren't like that."

Link then went to the Gorilla Tropics exhibit. He managed to weave through the crowd and get to the front to watch the gorillas play and frolic behind a huge plexiglass window.

"Cool!" said Link. Then he tapped lightly on the glass to get the attention of an alpha-male silverback sitting nearby.

"Hey buddy, how's it goin'?"

Just then, the silverback took a handful of "gorilla pie" and threw it at the plexiglass window, aiming for Link.

"Good thing that plexiglass was there," said Link, watching the silverback making threat gestures toward Link by howling and beating his chest.

Next, Link stopped off at the panda exhibit, and stood in line for a grueling 15 minutes just to see the pandas.

The announcer at the exhibit said, "Now remember, these animals are shy. Do not taunt them or vex them in any way. We now have a family of three pandas and our newest edition, Hua Mei is now a year old. She is completely weaned. Her parents, Shi-Shi and Bai Yun are good to her and give her lots of company. These pandas were sent to us a few years ago on a 12 year loan from China..."

While being bored by the announcer's speech, Link stood to watch the pandas eat and sleep. So, he left, and made a trek to the Reptile House but left immediately after watching a snake swallow a mouse whole.

Link then headed to the elephant exhibit and left, pinching his nose from the smell of the "elephant chips." So, he took the Skyfari ride to the other side of the zoo and watched the polar bears in their exhibit. After "meeting" up with Teddy again and getting showered by spitballs, Link felt hungry.

"I'm going to go get something to eat," he said as he took an escalator to Albert's Treetop Cafe. After ordering a $10.95 plate of Spaghetti Marinara, Link sat down to eat.

"This is expensive, but it's good though," he thought to himself as he ate. After a full stomach, Link looked at his map and looked at a schedule of animal shows. He walked to the Wegeforth Bowl and saw a sea lion show. He went to the Children's Zoo and left after meeting Teddy (again) and dodging his spitballs.

Finally, Link decided that it was time to leave so he played a tune on his Ocarina and was sent back to where he was before, with Epona.

"Epona, let's go home," said Link. "Zelda's gonna wonder where we went off to." As soon as he walked through the gates of Hyrule Castle town, a peasant boy ran up to him.

"Hello, kid, what can I do for you?" asked Link.

The kid suddenly pelted him with spitballs and ran off laughing. "Hey guess what?" he said to his friend. "Now that I got King Link with spitballs, where's the 150 rupees you owe me?"

Link suddenly said to himself, "I sure wish Death would hurry up and get here!"