Disclaimer: Naruto belongs to Masashi Kishimoto and not me.
Yanagi: Uh, what are doing in the Author's notes...?
Kita: I believe we're helping RJ-san to introduce a crack fic...
Sora: Yanagi-chan, you're here!
Yanagi: Ack! Sora! No, get off me!
-insert various random sounds of beating here-
Sora: Yanagi-chaaan! You're so mean! -pout-
Kita: -sigh- Here's the fic... oh, and I recommend that if you're not exactly up to date with the latest manga, you may find some spoilers...
Sora: I think I need a hug. Yanagi-chan...? OW!
Chapter 1: The Super Secret Plan
Kisame was bored... I mean, he was really bored... and also slightly ill. Sasori had decided to cook breakfast for the Akatsuki that morning. Needless to say, Kisame was extremely unpleased to find out that Sasori had served up Shark Fin soup and announce it only after letting everyone dig in.
"So, what do you want to do today, Itachi-san?" asked Kisame, opening up the door to his partner's study room (which just so happened to have various torture instruments littered around the floor. There were also several posters for the Icha Icha Paradise movies, which slightly confused Kisame).
The blue-skinned nukenin eeped and ducked as a barrage of kunai came flying for him. The daggers buried themselves into Kisame's face... or at least a poster of it that hung behind the door (the poster sported several kunai in it already). Kisame cautiously opened the door again and peeked in.
"...Itachi-san?" whispered Kisame in a low tone.
"Quiet you imbecile," Itachi held a finger to his lips. He took his other hand off the mouthpiece of the phone. "Hello is this 'The Bag Boutique?'... Ah, good... I'd like a thousand of your finest snake-skin bags... can you deliver those to Orochimaru for me? ... Oh, I'm sure he'll be happy to pay for them... okay, thank you. Goodbye."
Itachi put the receiver down and let out a deep maniacal laugh... which turned into a momentary high-pitched giggle of delight. He swung around in his chair to face Kisame, looking serious suddenly.
"Yes, Kisame?" he asked expectantly.
"Uh, I said I was bored," replied the Shark-man.
Itachi tapped his purple fingernails on his desk. He looked down at his list of things to do today, which included:
-Wake up... if not suffering from horrible hangover
-Get Sasori to serve shark fin soup for breakfast
-Repaint nails (Note: need more purple!)
-Brush hair 100 times
-Send 1000 snake-skin bags to Orochimaru (hahahaha)...(hahahaha)
-Put the fear of Uchiha in Kisame!
-Find money for rent :(
The Uchiha crossed off everything but the last one. He sat in thought for a few minutes.
"Itachi-san?" asked Kisame. He was ignored. He tried again. "Itachi-san? ... Itachi-saaaan!"
Kunai once again buried themselves into Kisame's (poster) face. Kisame was on the ground, clutching his heart.
Itachi sat for a few more minutes, thinking about how he'd get this month's rent. The rent the Akatsuki was paying for use of the cave was extravagant, which was doubled since they were storing potentially planet-destroying beasts of doom in there as well. Of course, the landlady was scary enough to be considered a planet-destroying beast as well, hence why they obeyed her rental fees.
Suddenly, the Konoha defector stood up and cleared his throat. "I have a plan!" he announced. "An utterly wondrous plan!" He laughed confidently and pointed down at Kisame in an over-the-top action pose. "Are you pondering what I'm pondering, Kisame!"
"Uh, I think I am, Itachi-san," replied Kisame, scratching the back of his head. "But how are we going to get that much peanut butter in such a short amount of time?"
Itachi death-stared Kisame into submission.
Itachi heaved a large easel up onto a makeshift stage. He'd gotten Kisame to find everyone he could and get them to his presentation. Unfortunately, everyone only included Sasori, Deidara, Zetsu and his subordinate, Tobi. The others were nowhere to be found. Itachi suspected they had gone out for ice cream and forgotten to tell him.
"Sasori no Danna, how did we end up here, hm?" Deidara asked, turning to his partner.
There was no reply from the large scorpion-like puppet.
Deidara raised an eyebrow and rapped on the puppet's side. It was hollow. Deidara gasped and began to kick it, screaming angrily. "Sasori no Danna, how can you leave me here for this torture, hmm!"
"I found him!" yelled Kisame, pulling a rope behind him. Sasori's real body was dragged out, only wearing a towel.
Everyone stared at the puppet.
"What?" he asked. "At least I take showers! Zetsu doesn't even own a towel!"
Everyone stared at the man with the venus fly-trap coming out of his shoulders.
"I take my showers outside, when Tobi waters me." explained Zetsu like it was nothing strange.
"Tobi is a good boy!" said his swirl-masked subordinate.
Everyone stared and edged away, afraid of what that answer could possibly mean.
"Ahem, my presentation?" coughed Itachi after several minutes of awkward silence.
Everyone sat on the ground glad for the interruption (they were too poor to afford chairs).
"You know, I hope this isn't another crackpot scheme like Deidara's 'Gotta Catch 'Em All' plan..." grumbled Kisame.
One flashback ago...
"Gotta catch 'em aaaallll!"
Deidara held out a small red-and-white ball. He looked idiotic, wearing a backwards cap and posing with a V sign. A red-and-white background flashed in a display of seizure-inducement behind him.
"I like it!" clapped Orochimaru.
"Shut up, Oro-chan!" yelled Itachi.
"Is that some kind of genjutsu?" asked Zetsu.
"Why am I dressed like this!" cried Kisame, who was dressed up in a yellow t-shirt with red overalls and short jeans.
One ended flashback later...
"Now!" announced Itachi confidently. "Welcome to 'Itachi-sama's Super Successful Plan', guaranteed to solve all our problems!"
The silk cloth was pulled off of the easel, revealing a large, extremely colourful piece of cardboard. The cardboard had three bullet points:
"Any questions?" asked Itachi, fists on hips.
Kisame raised a hand. He ducked as a barrage of shuriken flew over his head.
"Yes, you there with the stupid-looking face!" Itachi pointed.
"So, this isn't a plan on how to catch the Jinchuuriki?" he asked.
"No, not at all! However, I got this fool-proof plan from a bunch of small salesmen wearing red caps and sporting long beards. They assured me they had made millions from it!" Itachi laughed victoriously. "Any more questions?"
Tobi waved his arm wildly. "Ooh, ooh, pick Tobi!"
"Yes, you, little boy! What is your question?" Itachi pointed again.
Tobi clapped happily. "Whose undies are we going to steal?"
There was a cry of "Heeeey!" in the background, as Kisame finally registered Itachi's insult.
Itachi faltered for a second. "Well, as much as I'd like to go steal Sasuke's underpants, I think it'd probably be best we stay away from Orochimaru's "secret" lair. He's probably ticked off about those handbags."
"Then whose underpants shall we steal then?" asked Sasori.
Itachi pulled out the latest character popularity poll (there were moustaches and large eyebrows drawn over all of the people who beat him) and consulted it. "We shall have to steal the person who is next most popular... and that person is..."
A drum roll echoed throughout the cave. Kisame screamed as a sequined show-girl dress appeared on him.
"And that person is... Maito Gai!" yelled Itachi.
Kisame's dress disappeared in a puff of smoke, returning him to normal. The drum roll died in a clatter of half-hearted symbols.
Somewhere in Konohagakure...
"AAAAACHOOOOOO!... Haha, I win the sneezing match, Kakashi-kun!"
"Huh, I wasn't listening?"
"Nuuuu! The coolness of Kakashi-kun's reply drains me of Youth Power!"
Back at the Akatsuki's Super Secret Lair of Doom...
"Joking! The person is Hatake Kakashi!" Itachi busted-a-move- fireworks sparkled around him, though the display failed as the stage slightly caught on fire.
"Hey, I didn't know I made third, hmm!" Deidara had gotten hold of the popularity chart somehow. "And Sasori no Danna, you made sixth!"
Sasori gave an uncharacteristic cheer, throwing his arms up in celebration. His towel fell down.
"What?" asked Sasori- he was wearing banana-phone boxers. "I glued my boxers on so they wouldn't fall down. Boxes don't exactly stay on such smoothly sandpapered skin as mine!"
"Itachi made eleventh..." stated Zetsu, turning his attention back to the poll.
"Where am I, where am I?" asked Kisame excitedly, pulling it out of Deidara's hands. He searched down the list, then turned the paper over to the blank side. Kisame had a look of sheer horror and dismay on his face. "I'm... I'm..."
"Not popular, yeah, yeah, we know!" Itachi whacked Kisame over the head and took the poll back. "So, in order to make profit, we will need to steal Kakashi's underpants!"
"Uh, how do we make profit with a pair of underpants?" asked Deidara, wondering if his underpants could equal profit too somehow.
"One word..." Itachi grinned. "One little word that begins with the letter 'F'..."
Everyone gasped again.
"Not... the F-word!" gasped Sasori.
"That's the worst word in the world!" gasped Deidara.
"My leaves burn at the very mention of it!" gasped Zetsu.
"Tobi is too good to die!" gasped Tobi.
"Please don't say it, Itachi-san!" gasped Kisame.
Itachi gave a deep chuckle before he said the F-word... that terrible word that all do cower and hide from.
Everyone gasped again... and then passed out from gasping too much oxygen (Yes, even Sasori passed out although he's a puppet, that's just how bad it was).
Itachi laughed manically. It once again turned into a high-pitched giggle. His plans were just getting started...
Kita: I think RJ-san has lost it...
Sora: Me too...
Yanagi: Me too...
RJ: Um... well drinking fifteen cups of coffee in an hour will do that to you. And also something else, but I won't go into it. Anyway, hope you enjoyed!