As soon as Inutaisho got home, he immediately went to his liquor cabinet and took down a bottle of gin, ripping off the lid and taking it to the head.
"Dad! Just straight gin?" Sesshomaru asked him incredulously. "Here," he reached in the fridge and brought out a gallon of Sunny D. "Now you can have gin and juice."
"Thanks," Inutaisho said half-heartedly. He went into the living room and plopped down on the couch, watching Inuyasha as he messed around with some burnt grasses on the table.
"Inuyasha, what the hell are you doing?" Sesshomaru said, looking at the little rows of grass that he had made using a credit card.
"Oh, I'm just preparing some medicinal herbs Kaede gave me for stress. I figured Dad could use them."
"Wait a minute," Inutaisho said. "Kaede gave you those?"
"Uh...yeah," Inuyasha answered, not exactly seeing where this was going.
Inutaisho gave a knowing smile to Sesshomaru. "Here, son, this is how you prepare it." He pushed Inuyasha to the side and soon had his "medicinal herbs" fixed to his liking.
"Damn, Sesshomaru! Quit being such a hog! It's puff puff, give!" Inuyasha snatched it from his brother.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" Inutaisho stopped him. "Aren't you a bit of a minor to be smoking?"
"And isn't this illegal in the first place?" he said back.
Inutaisho gave a shrug, took the joint, and gave a long drag. "Can't believe your fuckin' mother left me. Who does she think she is, sleeping with Hugh Heffner? I'm more of a man than he'll ever be!"
Sesshomaru gave him a pat on the shoulder with one hand, while reaching over with his other and grabbing the smoke. "See, what did I tell you? What the hell's so great about humans? Yeah, they make nice play toys, you know, since they're not going to live as long as you do so you don't have to be really committed or anything, but in the long run, they're nothing but nuisances."
Inuyasha looked between both him and his father as if he wanted to slap them. "Oh, sure Sesshomaru, your mom's better. Yeah, it's always better to have a mate who'd rather sleep with Naraku. Speaking of which, you should really keep more in touch with your father."
Sesshomaru stood up, but wobbled and fell back down. "I'd kick your ass right now if I wasn't so stoned. Dad, could you hit Inuyasha for me?" But Inutaisho had gotten up off the couch. "Dad?" When he didn't get an answer, he got up to look for him, Inuyasha following unsteadily behind him.
They found their father in the kitchen, digging for something in the fridge. "Man, I'm hungry! Don't you suddenly have the munchies?"
But Sesshomaru had already started digging in the pantry, and Inuyasha was rooting through the cabinets. Five minutes later, they all met at the kitchen table with their goods. Sesshomaru pushed his to the center to show them. "I've got a jar of peanut butter, a can of baked beans, and a bag of dried lima beans."
Inuyasha went next. "A box of powdered milk, a packet of instant grits, and a bag of fish fry."
Inutaisho put his finds on the table proudly. "I've got a pack of green pork chops from about three months ago, a gallon of milk from 2000, and some left over salmon loaf." He looked around at the items on the table and beamed. "Let's have a feast, boys!"
Inutaisho opened the peanut butter and spread some of it on a pork chop, then sprinkled it with fish fry. Sesshomaru poured some of the ancient milk in a bowl with the instant grits. Inuyasha ripped the can of baked beans open with his mouth and dumped them over the salmon loaf. They all ate a spoonful of their concoctions at the same time.
Suddenly they all paused. "Damn!" They said in union.
"Feels like I've joined one of those Parrot Bay parties but the place is filled with fat girls," Sesshomaru said.
"That good?" Inuyasha asked him.
Inutaisho swooshed his food around in his mouth, then said, "Tastes like Izayoi's feet when she hasn't washed them in a week."
Inuyasha scowled at him. "Why wouldn't mom wash her feet for a week? Furthermore, what are you doing tasting them?"
Inutaisho shrugged. "I don't know, it was one of her kinky ideas."
Inuyasha gave him another look, then frowned. "This tastes like a fiesta in my mouth, but everybody's throwing up."
"Really?" his brother asked him.
Inuyasha nodded his head sadly.
"Oh, damn, sorry man. Then again, what the hell did you expect? You're eating leftover salmon loaf and pork and beans. What kind of meal is that?" Inuyasha gave him a look that clearly said, "Your meal was just as bad as mine and you know it."
Inutaisho gave a groan, then slumped over onto the floor. "Damn, I'm so wasted!" And promptly he started singing "Because I Got High," though he was missing half the lyrics.
Suddenly, Sesshomaru interrupted him. "Holy shit! Inuyasha, what the hell is that on your shoulder!"
Inuyasha looked, but nothing was there. "What, man, what!" he freaked.
"Bro, there's this huge chip on your shoulder! I think it might be a Pringle or a Frito or something!"
"Well, which is it?!"
Sesshomaru took a closer look. "Looks kind of like a Cheeto."
Inuyasha screamed and ran from the table, but he tripped over Sesshomaru's tail. Sesshomaru tried to calm his still screaming brother down.
"Hey, it's okay! You were talking about your food being disgusting, well, eat that damn chip! I mean, how hard can it be? It's only twelve feet long." This only made Inuyasha freak out even more and wail louder.
"Look, I'll eat it for you, okay?" Sesshomaru reached for the imagined chip and looked like he was taking a bite. "See? Now only about a hundred more bites to go! But you're my little brother! We gotta look out for each other man!" Suddenly he started sobbing on Inuyasha's shoulder. "I...(sniff) I love you, man!"
A bright flash filled the kitchen, and instead of simply hugging his brother, Sesshomaru had now lifted him off the ground in his grown up state. "I'm so sorry for all the times that I put gum in your hair while you were sleeping!" he sobbed into Inuyasha's clothes.
"And for the time I peed on the side of the toilet and blamed it on you!"
"Really, Sesshomaru, maybe you should—"
"And for the time I slept with Kagome."
"What?!" Inuyasha finally wrenched his way free of Sesshomaru's death grip and looked up at him. "When I overheard Kagome tell Sango that she had lost her virginity already, I thought she was playing, but...it was with...you!" Sesshomaru sniffed again and looked down at him, then finally noticed that he was actually looking down on him again!
"Ha...ha ha...ha ha ha..." He began to laugh maniacally. "Now that you're still little, I can torture you just the way I've always imagined! By tickling your toes until you can't breathe anymore!" He took a step towards Inuyasha.
"I love you."
Sesshomaru stopped. "Dude, I'm into Latinos. Kagome was just a booty call."
Another flash filled the room and then Inuyasha was back in his older form.
"So, I see you figured out the magical words," Inutaisho said from down on the floor. "Good! Now both of you get your sorry asses out there and find a house. No, wait, Sesshomaru, you find you a mate that you don't really love just to get another heir to the throne, then get out of the house. Inuyasha, pack your bags, cause you're going to college. And for Christ's sake, loose your virginity already! We dog demon's don't do the four-hundred year old virgin thing!"
In conclusion, both boys followed their father's orders, except that Sesshomaru followed his brother to college. And instead of picking out one girl for his mate, he ended up being a father of seven, from seven different girls. Not such a smooth move. As for Inuyasha, he also found himself a girlfriend, but after only lasting thirty seconds with her in bed, she dumped him. Rumors have it that he's groveling for Kikyo to accept him back.
And as for the relationship issues with Inutaisho and Izayoi, they were fortunately resolved, and he still likes sucking her toes for fun.
Thanks for bearing with the quacky silliness! Final thoughts are much appreciated!