Return of the Jedi - A Parody -
Author : SuperTinfoilManPart 2 - The Revenge -
Author's Note : May contain crude language . And the worlds worst lounge singer.
Disclaimer : I don't own Star Wars .
Chapter 1 - The 1st Chapter -
Star Wars - Episode 6 -
Return of the Jedi - A Parody -
Luke Skywalker has returned to his home planet of Tattooine even after vowing never to return to his home planet in Episode 4 , but that's another story entirely , what a liar , how can he do this to us , lie right to our faces , where was I , oh ya , he went there to rescue his friend Han Solo from the vile clutches of that fat ass Jabba the Hutt .
Little does Luke know the GALACTIC EMPIRE , sorry for screaming , has secretly begun construction on a new Death Star even more powerful than the first Death Star , they work fast .
When completed , this ultimate weapon will spell certain doom for a small band of rebels struggling to restore freedom to the galaxy...
Is that it ?
Scroll ended already ...
A shuttle drops out of a Star Destroyer flanked by two Tie fighters , it heads towards the Brand Spanking new Death Star .
" Command station , this is ST321 , code clearance Powder Orange . " The shuttle pilot said over the Com , the commander in the Death Star soon responds.
" Deflector shield will be deactivated when we have confirmation of your code transmission . Please stand by . " An operator said looking at a screen of the shuttle.
" You are clear to proceed . "
" YESS ! WE DID IT ! " The command crew screamed over the intercom , they were overjoyed to get through the code.
" We are starting our approach. "
" You may approach . "
" Approaching now. "
" Must you always get the last word Dan ? "
The Shuttle zoomed closer to the landing bay while the Tie fighter's split off and flew back to the Star Destroyer , this is there story.
Chapter 1 - STX 3560 and his pet dog -
" So I bought my wife a new dog DSG 435 . " A storm trooper said over the intercom to his flying mate on the way back to the Star Destroyer.
" Really ? Well that's just great news STX 3560 . "
The End -
The shuttle landed inside the bay as a commander walked up and waited for the arrival of Darth Vader.
This is that commanders story .
Chapter 1 - Waiting for Vader -
Man , I hope he doesn't yell at me , The commander thought to himself.
The End -
The shuttle bay exit ramp slowly lowered to the ground with steam shooting in six or seven different directions. The commander gulped , then he gulped again .
Darth Vader walked down the ramp and right by the commander not giving him a second look , or a third one for that matter.
" Lord Vader , this is an unexpected pleasure , we are honoured by your presence. " The commander nervously greeted the Sith lord as he jogged behind him .
" You may dispense with the pleasantries commander . I am here to put you back on schedule . " Vader boomed .
" I assure you Lord Vader , my men are working as fast as they can . " The commander tried but Vader spied a group of workers playing ping pong in the distance .
" Perhaps I can find new ways to motivate t...WHOA ! " Vader slipped on an over waxed part of the floor and quickly fell on his ass with a thump !
The commander tried his best not to laugh , he bit his lower lip as he replayed the slipping Vader over in his head , Vader's cape was now draped right over his head after the fall.
" Argg ! " Vader argged.
" L-L-Lord Vader , are you (giggle) alright ? HA HA ! " The commander found it impossible to hold his laughter in.
Vader quickly found his way to his feet.
" Lord Vader , we have men working double shifts , sometimes they wax the same part of the floor and... "
" Listen to me commander ! The Emperor is coming here , and you'd better have this giant ball of steel complete when he arrives . He's not as forgiving as I am , and I'm not forgiving at all so that means he's not forgiving minus 1 . Get the picture ? "
" We shall double our efforts . " The commander lifted his chin in a mock stern-like manner.
" Double ? "
" Sorry Lord Vader , we shall triple our efforts . "
" I was hoping for at least quadruple . "
" Yes , we shall fiveruple our efforts . "
" Fiveruple ? "
Before the conversation could go any further , Vader waved his hand and walked away.
The commander walked away as well nodding to his men as a row of Storm Troopers stood there , standingly.
Meanwhile ...On Tattooine...Midday ...12:30 pm Eastern time . ...
C-3PO and R2-D2 made there way towards Jabba's Palace in the distance .
" Bleep bloop , blat blert twart ! " R2-D2 stated.
" Yes . I agree . But Chewbacca and Lando never returned from this awful place . "
" Blert twarp ? "
" What do you mean , Lando who ? Lando Calrissian you metal twerp ! "
" Blooo . Bloo bleep blap twerk ! "
" Now your just going too far R2-D2 . Keep those dirty thoughts to yourself . If I told you half of what I heard of this Jabba the Hutt , you'd probably kill yourself . "
They approach a huge metal door .
" Bleep bleep bleep ! "
" I had better knock I suppose . " C-3PO lightly tapped the door then spun around.
" There doesn't seem to be anyone here , let's go back and tell Master Luke . "
A hole opens on the large door and a robotic device comes out with a crystal ball like head that is speaking jibberish.
" My name is ... " Before C-3PO could finish the device laughed and zipped back into it's spot inside the door.
" There not going to let us in R2. Let's go back and tell master Luke . " C-3PO tried to cowardly run off again but the large door slowly started to open behind him.
" Bleep , wooo , wooo . " R2-D2 started to roll his way inside the dark entrance to the palace.
" Wait for me R2 ! We should go back and tell master Luke that the door opened ! "
R2-D2 bumped into one of the green pig faced guards holding an axe , the green faced pig seemed to have a snotty nose , with no tissues in sight . R2 wasn't holding the axe , the guard was , or whatever , you know what I mean.
" R2 - deliver the damn message so we can get the hell out of here. " C-3PO looked at the closing door as it slammed back into the ground with a thump !
" Oh wanna wanna wunga . " A pale skinned man appeared with a large worm attached to the back of his head that wrapped around the side of his shoulder - translation : I forgot his name.
" Oh wanna wingo . "
" Wanna wuh . "
" Wanna bu banna bo banna . "
" Wo wanna bo banna boo banna wingo . "
" Wanna wo bonna banga woo winga bo banna baroo bingo wanganna banganga. "
" Oh for the love of god can we just speak english to each other ! "
" Yes , what do you want ? " The worm head asked 3PO .
" This R2 unit here has a message for Jabba . "
" Mo meessa no matta . "
" Oh not that crap again , I give up translating for the time being . "
" Give the message to me , I'll tell Jabba . " Worm head offered .
" No , we have to tell Jabba himself . " 3PO stood his ground .
" Ya , I mean , bleep bloop blat ! " R2 responded .
" Arg ! Follow me then ! "
They entered into Jabba's main living quarters where Jabba was smoking .
" Good morning . " 3PO greeted Jabba as worm head whispered into Jabba's ear. Jabba was already awake smoking a pipe , the contents of the pipe remained a mystery .
" Boshuda ! " Jabba said - translation : Boshuda.
" The message R2 , play the message . "
R2-D2 bleeped and blipped then shot out a holographic image of Luke Skywalker dressed in a black suit.
" Greetings your fat-assidness. Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Luke Skywalker , Jedi knight and friend of Captain Solo . "
" OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH ! " Jabba screamed wide eyed.
" I know that you are powerful Jabba and that your anger with Captain Solo must be as powerful as your original powers that urg ...wait a second , Leia hold up that card straight ! I can't see half of the cue card ! " Luke whined .
" OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH ! " Jabba responded .
" I seek an audience with your greatness to bargain for Solo's life ... "
" HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA what am I laughing at again ? Oh ya , HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA ! " Jabba laughed.
" As a token of my good will I offer you a gift . These two droids. Both are HARD working and will SERVE you well . " Luke smiled and made a humping motion with his hips.
" This can't be right , R2 your playing the wrong message . " CPO glanced at Jabba who was furiously licking his lips.
" There will be no bargain . " Jabba said as the holo message ended .
" I will not give up my favorite decoration , I like Captain Solo where he is . "
Everyone looked over to the left , Han Solo was up on the wall frozen in carbonite from his last adventure . He seemed to be waving with both hands , or singing a gospel tune before he was frozen.
" Look R2 , it's Han Solo , and he's still frozen in carbonite . That's right , carbonite , from our last fight , with all his might he put up and took the bite , he will lose his sight . "
" From that height he might get a fright . He looks tight in that light . " Lando added .
A lounge singer jumped out from behind Jabba the Hutt for the end of the chapter song - he swaggered his way over to C-3PO and R2 with a microphone in his hand.
" Han Solo , more than meets the eye . Sometime's I cry when Han and the Rebels flee from the force's of the Empire , who set the Galaxy on fire , Han Solo . Thank you , Han Solo , Thank you , please hold your applause , Haaaaaaan Soooooloooooo , he met his match when he opened the hatch and fell in the batch , thank you , please hold your applause , Han Solo , more than meets the eye , why why whyyyyyyyyy , thank you , thank you . Can I get a low C note from the band please , yes you . A low C please . Thank you , no , that's a high A , I said a low C , no , nevermind , Haaaaaaan Sooooooolooooo , the smuggler with the wookiee , watch out for that treeee , watch out for that , Han , Han , Han of the Jungle , watch out for that treeeeee !
Thank you , thank you , hold your applause . Can I get a low A at least please ? A low A note from the band , wake up ! Nevermind . Haaaaaaan Soooooloooooo , uggh ! Who threw that apple ? Hey this is a thermal detonator ! What the ... ? "
The lounge singer was never seen again .
But , on a positive note ...
The lounge singer was never seen again.