There are cracks in my memories. Cracks in the surface of my face, I'm sure they can see. Mac stares too closely lately, tracing the fissures in my skin until I'm sure she can see the secrets pouring from the inside.
They seep out my pores when I'm not paying attention, screaming for all the world to hear. If they'd listen. Listen, listen, do you hear the bells ringing? They're so loud in my head, they drown out the stereo sound of his voice.
So pretty, little boy, let me touch you, love you, make it all go away. Let me pet you little Beaver, let me take the world away. Away, away, and he's making me fall, trip, slip, falling into somewhere I've never been.
Trip, grip, touching where no one's ever been. Mac, Cindy, Mac so pretty with the smell of electronics pouring off her skin, soft hands. Not like his, calloused and sure as he's making me, making me.
Can you hear that? I'm sure they can, they're staring at me, bent double over my math homework, staring, seeing. Seeing it all again, again, again. The numbers are moving, playing, touching when they should be teaching, and it's all over. Normal, almost here, almost there, and I'm almost as good a liar as he is.
Almost. Not quite. I can't touch, be touched, love, can't kiss and fondle, can't be a man. Only I can. She proved that, little sleeping beauty, waiting for the prince to wake her up. Only I wasn't the Prince she woke up for. At least she has that. The memory of forgetfulness to deal with the, touch, grip, slip slick slide of skin against skin. I tried to be charming, Beauty's awakening, only once again not quite good enough.
There's a giggle, to my left, right, here, inside my head, and she's there again. Soft and pale, pink little princess asleep on the bed. Asleep in my head. She's always waiting for me, pretty little girl, let me touch you , love you, make it all go away. Let me be you, with your lack of memories. Let me take it all away.
Another crack, another cut, another bend in the ledge of consciousness and I'm gone. Leave it to Beaver and the world isn't always what it seems. I'm more less, more than you see. All here, cracks and scrapes, bruises you can't see. Look a little closer and you'll know, see me, here, there, nowhere.
She's here, easy little Veronica Mars, with her silken skin, and bad girl attitude. You let me touch you once, twice, to gone to push me away, let me in. I'm nearly salivating for another taste of her peach kissed skin, leaning closer, a shy duck of the head and she's mine. She always was. Mine, first, there, cherry the prince never got to taste.
Bashful, scared, worried, play the father card and she's yours, hook, line, sinker, sinking to her knees at your feet. That's only in your head. Daddy dearest won't know what hit him. You played her, and she'll play him, and round and round the merry go round goes. Veronica Mars always gets her man, she's got you, had you, doesn't know you at all.
Across the parking lot to your car, and the bus goes by with a load of kids, children, they don't know what you know, round the bend and pop goes the weasel, Weevil, down and out on the back of a motorcycle and the Princess survived the crash, mistake, they were all supposed to fly.
Secrets gone, done, told by no one now. Unless they learn to read your face, but the cracks are getting smaller, easier to hide, behind, hide behind and learn that incorporation isn't something you get to choose. They learned as they flew, fly away birdie fly away home, where no one gets to tell.
I wonder if they smiled when I loved them, touched them, took the pain away, with the ring of a phone in a bag not mine, gone away, gone away, smile away home.
Mac, Veronica, Mac with her lips so red and the shining streaks of blue in her hair. Almost enough to be another time, another place, with a pretty princess so pale against the white sheets. Cindy touches her, loves her, knows her, smells like her when they walk together down the hall. So close, so far, away, with sweaty palms and dimples she's not supposed to have.
Stumble, grip, dance, and Mac's mine for the taking. Plucking a cherry blossom off her skin, and I won't take what is hers to give, give receive and it's all just whispers in the dark now.
His voice, echoing again, inside outside, on the television, such a shame really, to many lives, lost, away, let me love you, touch you, pretty boy, pretty smart boy, but just how smart. Follow the leader all the way down, and incorporate, incorporation into your life. Let me take it all away.
Slow motion, fast track, my life is a roller coaster ride. I want off, I'm going to be sick, green around the gills and I'm swimming, can't breathe, fighting for air through the panic. Calm, Beaver, let me take it all way. Stay calm Cassidy, let Beaver out to play. Let me take you, make you, break you all away.
He's everywhere now, nowhere, all around me, swarming in the air like an allergic reaction that's going to give me hives. Something else for them to see, when, if they'd look. Keep the calm, keep the peace, lay low, Veronica Mars always gets her man.