April 2005

Disclaimer: It all belongs to George and his disgustingly rich Lucasfilm empire. I make no money off this, please don't sue me.

Inspired by the chorus of the song "Learning How To Smile" by Everclear.

Title: Learning How To Smile

Author: JadeMax

Notes: Tenel Ka's diary/running thoughts through important moments in her life.

Learning How To Smile

By JadeMax

We never ask why,

Why there is no perfect place, yes I know this is true

I'm just learning how to smile, that's not easy to do

I know there will come a day, when we can even just run away


Chapter 1

I do not smile.

Mother told me not to. She said father's mother would find ways of reading my face. I have to train hard with my mother's mother, to learn the secrets of keeping my feelings and thoughts to myself.

The other children smile.

They run. They laugh. They cry.

I cannot.

My father's mother would shape me into something for evil, into someone with thoughts of power and gain. Into an instrument for her to use.

I am not that person. I am my mother's daughter. I am a daughter of Dathomir and a daughter of Hapes. I will be of both and of none. I will take what I need to survive. I will take what I need to live and I will make it my own.

I will study all my mother's mother has to teach. I will learn, I will grow. I will become the best warrior in the village.

My studies for discipline are difficult. They focus on my fears and my joys. They teach pain and pleasure through physical trials, but allow no emotion. Emotion can be turned, twisted, used to assist those who would control me. I can not allow this. I cannot allow myself to be molded into something I have no desire to be. I am taught about emotion, but know little. Emotions have no place in the Fountain Palace with my father's mother.

Emotions are a weakness to be exploited.

Yet, Mother tells me emotions have their place. Fear and anger, pain and suffering, they will affect me, mould me into an adult. I do not understand, but she has said love, when I am older, will be necessary.

Understanding is not necessary, only compliance. I must learn the skills to protect myself from those who would try and control me.

I am a child, but I cannot smile. I am a princess of two worlds, but I cannot be.

Mother has said I am her little warrior, her only child, and she is proud of me.

I will study hard. I will learn well.

I will not smile.