September 2005

Disclaimer: It all belongs to Lucas, I make no money off this, etc, etc, etc... I only wish I did cheeky grin

Title: Missing

Author: JadeMax

Time frame: NJO

Characters: Zekk

Key Words: Angst

Summary: Sometime during the NJO, Zekk looks back on his decisions with regards to Jaina. Cannon?

Notes: Inspired by the song "Missing" by Evanscence, written in September 2005, just never posted it ;)

Missing

I left thinking it would put things in perspective. I left thinking you were going to miss me. Maybe you did, for a day or two. Maybe you didn't. I don't think I'll ever know. I don't know if I even want to know. Was I right to leave? I've questioned myself every day of my life I've been apart from you. I offered you myself, I offered you all that I was, if only you would have let me be there for you.

You turned me down. You turned me away and you never gave me a chance.

I'm not asking for a second chance; I know that will never happen. I'm asking for forgiveness.

Forgiveness for running when you needed me most. Forgiveness for not being able to accept your decisions because of how I felt. Forgiveness for hating you when you needed me; when you needed love. Forgiveness for being selfish.

I've been a lot of things in my life, but I think being an idiot and a coward when it comes to you are my biggest regrets. I thought I understood you; we had shared so much. I thought that made us more than we were, stronger together. You used to say that to me, that we were always stronger as a team. Was I wrong? I don't think I was; I still need you.

And I think you need me to.

Is that selfish, arrogant of me? Is that wrong of me to think these things? I don't know. I don't know a lot of things concerning you. I used to think I knew you, that I knew what you wanted. I used to think we were friends who shared everything. I used to think we understood each other better than anyone, including your family.

I know now I was wrong.

I was wrong to assume that things would never change, that things between us would always be the same. I was wrong to think I knew your mind, that I knew what you wanted. I was wrong to assume that I was what you need.

I know that now.

And I hate myself for it. I can't bring myself to look you in the eye knowing that you see me as nothing more than a part of your past. I know you don't think of me anymore, not the way I think of you, but I wish you did.

I've see the way you look at him, I've seen the looks you share. I've watched you grow beyond what we had, beyond what you were into an independently willful young woman, and I've been proud.

To my shame, I feel that I had a part in it, and yet I didn't have a part. You've grown beyond needing me, beyond sharing who and what you are with someone as stuck in the past as I.

And I regret that you're never going to feel for me what I feel for you.

Forgive me.

Fin