Author's Note: I'm so happy that so many people liked my story! I'm still busy with "Something More", although I haven't updated the chapter yet, but I am planning on doing it as soon as possible. I'm also deciding when I should start the sequel to "For What It's Worth", which is going to be called "The Innocent Can Never Last". It's going to be a very immense story…filled with lots of things none of you would expect coming. And although "For What It's Worth" had many flaws in it, I will try to make the sequel better. Today I thought of doing another short one-chapter story, but unlike "Splashes in the Water" (thanks for the good reviews….I greatly appreciated it!), it's very emotional and makes you feel what it's like to be a traumatized victim….even when it's someone you should know very well from SVU.
To Stray Far From Tears
She looked back at her watch. It read 12:34 a.m., and Olivia Benson could not believe what had just happened. Being a cop and all had such an effect on her daily life that she would have most likely figured that she could have prevented what had presently happened. She wanted to believe that it didn't, but that was entirely impossible. She wanted to go and tell somebody, anybody, but unfortunately, she somehow couldn't. That sort of feeling you get when you know something bad had happened but yet you can't tell anyone was whirling around in her mind, and the only thing Olivia could seem to do now was cry. Cry, cry, and cry.
I am such an idiot, she kept mumbling to herself. This wouldn't have happened if I just would have gone home immediately. But no; I had to be stupid. So stupid that I'm right here right now cradling my head in my hands.
Although there was no reason why Olivia was to blame herself, she kept telling herself how "stupid" she was for something that was not her fault. What had happened was not her fault at all. Only the person who caused the entire mess was the one to blame.
Olivia noticed a few cars drive by, and every time one had passed, she was afraid that it was someone she would never want to have contact with, ever, especially since what had alas occurred. Olivia couldn't even stand to look at the people walking by (although curious why they would be out at such a late time) afraid they were also someone she wouldn't want to meet. Even though her job dealt with so many people like that, she just couldn't stand to at the moment. Hell, she even wanted to quit her job. She didn't want to go back to somewhere where everything is something to remember what had took place just a short time ago. Olivia wanted anything to erase what had happened. But there was no way to escape this dreadful pain at all. There was no way.
I have to tell someone, she once again said to herself. But I just can't! Now Olivia couldn't stop putting herself down when she would bring up a way to possibly "cure" what had happened. I'm the one that's always telling the victims that they should have told somebody when they never did, but yet I'm acting so damn hypocritical right now. But at least I know how they feel.
Olivia hardly could even talk. All she was doing was crying and crying, and she seemed way too weak to be capable of regaining her composure. But how would she be able to, anyways, after what had happened?
Well I can't keep this a secret for the rest of my damn life, said her mind as it kept talking away silently to those around her. Although they were at a far distance, she didn't want to go and tell them why she was being the way she was. I'm so stupid, though! If this was someone else, I'd be telling them to tell someone immediately! Oh, God, what am I supposed to do though? I am so stupid!
Throughout all her life working in the Special Victims Unit, Olivia could always recall telling every victim that it was not their fault about what had happened to them. She kept saying that they neverchosen for it to happen, and that they had no right to blame themselves for something that they didn't want to happen. Now Olivia would not only view her life in a different, horrible way, but she would view herself as a victim. Besides the fact that she was utterly traumatized, she felt more dirty and disgusting rather than anything else in the world.
Olivia was not a virgin, of course. She had many experiences with guys before, yet none of them were exactly "the one" before. In fact, there was one man that she had slept with (luckily they used protection, he turned out to be HIV positive) and he was gay, and she never found it out until many years later, when he wounded up dead. But whether or not she had sexual relations before, having that happen to her made her feel so dirty and disgusting. She felt as though someone had covered her with a visible blanket, that read "RAPE VICTIM" for the world to see, yet no one knew what had happened, no one except herself and the violent man who did it. No one knew that she was raped.
After a hard day's work in the SVU, Olivia Benson felt that she needed a break from it all. From the rapists, from the pedophiles, from listening to the devastated victims of sexual assault tell their awful stories, and from everything that basically fell under the category of what the elite Special Victims Unit squad dealt with. She just needed a short vacation, especially since what had been going on that present day at the SVU.
A young woman, Christine Williams, claimed that she was raped by her boyfriend. Although when she went to the hospital to make sure she was okay and for a rape kit to be done, the doctor didn't find any suggestions of possible of rape or genital trauma. Despite what the doctors had discovered, Christine still stuck to her story. After Olivia and Elliot had a long interrogation with her boyfriend, James Sullivan, he denied everything, and from his side of the story he had no idea what Christine was talking about and why she would accuse him of doing such a thing. Because there was very little evidence that a rape took place, Olivia and Elliot were more drawn to what he had told them, and it seemed more reasonable. But for some odd reason, Olivia had a feeling that he was guilty of something, although she didn't know what.
Later, Christine had finally admitted that James had not raped her that day. But, she told Olivia that five years prior to that day, he had brutally attacked, raped, and nearly beat her to a bloody pulp. Since it was well over the statute of limitations and because there was hardly any evidence, the DA had declined to prosecute. Olivia knew that that time Christine was telling the truth; the real truth. Since they had to let James go free and have Christine return home, there seemed to be no justice at all for her and no punishment for her boyfriend, although it would have been a tough time to try and convict him of such a crime with very little corroboration.
After all that, Olivia thought that matters couldn't get worse. And she had no idea how wrong she was.
When Olivia stepped out of the SVU squad room, she felt the need to grab a cup of coffee. She was going to go to her apartment first, but had second thoughts and decided not to. Since the local coffee shop was not far away at all, Olivia didn't need to use her car; she could just walk.
Olivia was always used to the streets of New York City. Usually tourists from the country areas would rather be surprised at how much crowded it is and all the commotion filled within it. But Olivia seemed to get used to everything around her, including all the cases that she had dealt with at her time in the SVU. It always hurt for her to see some homeless person on the streets or someone that she know had gone through something terrible, and she always wishes that she could help. Olivia could remember this one time when she was passing down the street near her apartment when she noticed a pregnant girl, who only looked about 12 or 13. She could evoke seeing this desperate cry for help through the poor girl's eyes, and it sent a pain through Olivia's entire body. She wanted to do something to help her and ask her what had been going on, because through what she saw in the young girl, she could feel that she had to have had something bad happen to her and then ended up pregnant.
As she opened the door to Starbucks, Olivia noticed one of the servers, Cory Hamel, who she knew very well. Since Olivia was known as a regular customer there, he was very familiar with Olivia, as well as pleasant and friendly.
"Olivia! Nice to see you once again." Cory said, bringing a smile to his face.
"Nice to see you too, Cory." she responded.
"So, what will we have today?"
"Well, let's see….no I don't want that….no, not that, "she said, while reading the menu on the wall, "Yes, I'm in the mood for a House Blend."
"House Blend. Brings back memories. $2.00, that is."
"Thank you. I guess I'll see you later."
"Well, I'll be seeing you anytime soon, anyways."
Once she left the coffee shop, she noticed something odd about the late night. It seemed too quiet outside; it wasn't a normal night in New York City. But Olivia just ignored the peculiarity and kept walking along the street.
Just before she could get anywhere near her car, Olivia could hear the sounds of a van slowing down behind her. Most of the time, there would be someone going in the same direction of her, but Olivia had a weird feeling about it this time. She was hoping that she had the wrong feeling.
Because she thought that it would just be a normal person happening to go the same way she was going, Olivia didn't sense that anything could happen, even though she had a "feeling". She didn't move any faster or plan to pick up her pace. She kept walking and walking, but about five minutes later, the van stopped. Still, Olivia didn't come to think that it may have been a little more than coincidental by then, so she just did the usual. Walk, walk, and walk.
Before she knew it, the guy driving the van got out and headed towards Olivia. Little did she know that he was behind her, and before she could do anything, he ran up behind her and grabbed her by her arm. She lost grip of her coffee and it went flying to the right side of her. All she was doing was screaming and kicking him, although it sucked that she wasn't on the job at the moment and wasn't armed.
"Let me go!" she screamed, begging for him to stop.
"Shut up or I'll kill you." he demanded, pointing a gun to her face.
At that point in time, Olivia felt like she had no control over anything. She just felt so weak. It was almost like she couldn't move and he was invading her entire body. And it also seemed, to Olivia, that the world went silent for a few minutes.
The man dragged her into his car, and regardless of every protection tip Olivia had learned from being in the SVU, she felt that she didn't know how to defend her self at the time. All she was doing was crying, rather than try to fight him off. To her, it was like no matter how hard she tried to guard herself, she couldn't succeed and matters would get much worse.
Olivia wasn't surprised that he did the things he did to her. She knew that he would rape her. She knew that he could possibly kill her, although fortunately, he didn't. But he raped her. And she was weak to everything to defend herself when he forced himself on her, pulled his pants down, yanked off her pants and underwear, and started to rape her. Again, it was like the world was silent to Olivia. She felt as though she was hearing impaired.
After what seemed like hours, he finally stopped. He threw her clothes back to her, and as he left, she hurriedly put them back on. All she was doing was crying. Crying, crying, and crying.
There was nothing Olivia felt she could do to prevent that man from raping again and to give him some punishment. For all she knew, he could have been out roaming the streets, finding another woman, or even girl, to rape. She was so scared, put yet she felt no power to report what had happened. In her mind, if she told someone, it would make her relive every horrible experience she had with her mother.
Serena Benson was, unfortunately, not someone who anyone would want raising their child. She spent her life raising Olivia, but she just ignored her most of the time. When she did make contact with her daughter, Serena would treat her like her own slave. It was always 'Do this' and 'Do that'. There was no freedom involved in Olivia's life, and she even felt herself that her mother would step all over her. And besides the fact that she was careless to her daughter, she was an alcoholic. She would always be found drunk, and Olivia believed that that was the main reason that triggered her carelessness for her, her own innocent daughter. But there was another reason that Serena treated Olivia the way she did. When Serena was a young woman, she was raped, and Olivia ended up being the product of that rape. Since she Olivia was born, Serena always treated her like it was her fault that she was raped. And ever since Olivia was a young girl, Serena basically brought her up to "believe" that it was her fault. But it wasn't. It was definitely not her fault. Olivia knew that her mom didn't give a care for her, and every day she would always remember that the only reason why she was brought into the world was because her mom was violently raped. Sometimes, some people believed that bad things happened to them for a reason. Such as, if someone was raped and ended up pregnant, they might have said to themselves that there was a reason for them to get raped; to bring another life into the world. But that wasn't the way it was for Serena. She ignored the fact that Olivia was as innocent as she could be, and there was no doubt about it. She just treated her daughter as though she was the guilty one.
I've got to stop crying. I've got to stop, the voice in Olivia's head kept saying. But her mind didn't listen to the words that were swimming around in her head; it just caused her to cry even more. Olivia just kept telling her mind to stop her from crying. She wanted to stray far away from the tears that were dripping down from her eyes, but she couldn't. Olivia continued to sit on the bench, sobbing during every second she kept on living. She wanted to make everything stop, but she just couldn't. She could, but she kept telling herself that she couldn't. She felt powerless. Invaded. And a rape victim. And nothing could stop that. But there was one thing that she could do with her life; somehow try to leave what had happened behind her, and, well, move on.