Meredith closed her eyes and released her breath. This couldn't be happening. Two hours ago she had been on a date, moving on. Now she was, well she was so back where she had started it was jolting. She could still feel Derek all over her. His smell lingered around her. How could she be doing this right now while Izzy was losing her heart. She opened her eyes, half hoping she was dreaming. Finn stood there looking at her, his face an open book of what he knew. She looked over to Derek, he was smiling gently at her, McDreamy eyes and all. She looked back to Finn.
"Finn..." she trailed off. She could tell that he knew.
"Meredith, it's ok. " he smiled sadly.
"Finn, no listen ", she turned to him, seeing Derek shift from the corner of her eye. "I am so sorry. I..."
He took a step towards her, and came to a stop. he picked up her hand and kissed it.
"Meredith, I just hope it all works out for you." He looked towards Derek and then back at her, smiled and turned and walked away.
Derek released a sigh, he had been holding his breath. He started towards Meredith, ready to take her into his arms.
"Izzy needs me, "she refused to meet his eyes. She started to walk towards the stairs. Derek could feel her slipping away.
"Meredith, no. You don't walk out of here right now, I've waited too long." Meredith whirled around and faced him.
"You've waited! You? The married one? The one who refused to let me go even though you had a wife. I'm not doing this right now. I don't know when or if I'm doing it, but it's not right now." She didn't meet his eyes, not trusting herself. She walked down the stairs and out the door before she could quit her resolve, remembering that she had ridden here with Finn.
"Shit." she muttered. Her cell phone was at home, in her knapsack. She had left it there since it didn't fit in the clutch she was carrying. She heard the front doors whoosh open, and even without looking she knew he was standing there staring at her.
"Meredith, let me drive you home." he pleaded with her with his eyes. She crossed her arms over herself. He was too close. She could feel where his kiss had branded her all over. If she spent one more minute with him, she knew she wouldn't be going to Izzy tonight. Shaking her head, she nodded slightly, hating herself, her weakness. Derek knew the conflict going on inside her, he had lived it since Addison came back. He knew he didn't have the right to any of this, but he wasn't a good enough man not to demand it anyways. he guided her to the parking lot, unlocking the door with a button click, and then opening the door for her. She got in and he shut the door. He paused, wondering how Addison was getting home, or if she had already. Shrugging, he walked around the car and got in. He started the car, took a cd from the visor, and slipped it into the player and music started filling the car. It was his Meredith Music, a compilation of songs he had put together that reminded him of her. He listened to it when he was driving alone. He glanced at her, she was crying softly. She squeezed her clutch, willing herself to stop crying. Part of her wept for being a failure as a friend, leaving Izzy. She knew Alex would be there but she should too. Part of her wept for becoming what she had sworn she wouldn't. Now Derek could call her a whore. And the last part of her wept because, even though she was a whore, an adulteress, she didn't regret it. She was pathetic enough to take whatever she could get from Derek. What did it mean? Probably that Derek was going to turn himself into someone he wouldn't end up liking. She knew he loved her. She hadn't, until the heated argument in the exam room, but looking back, maybe she had known, but didn't acknowledge it all this time. He never had really stopped with his looks, and smiles, and stolen moments with her. She couldn't imagine that either one of them would be able to go back after this point, their lovemaking had been to vital and intense. That didn't mean he was going to let go of his marriage and image though. And Meredith knew that she was weak enough to let the affair continue. Poor Finn. His plans. She shook her head. All she did was mess everything up. His hand was resting on the gearshift, near her knee. It felt like she was sitting next to a radiant heater. She wanted to shift further towards the door, and she was too damn weak to. Derek ached to touch her. He drove, not wanting to let her out of the car ever. Before he fully realized it, he saw the water. The ferry boats, he had driven there. He eased the car to a stop, and put it into park. Reached up and turned off the music.Unbuckled his seatbelt. Turned off the key. And turned to look at her. She looked up, noticing the car stop, and realized they weren't in front of her house. She hadn't really expected to be. Hating herself, she undid her seatbelt, turned and met his eyes. Both felt their hearts stop. Derek wanted to fold her into his arms and hold her.
"Mer. Please just listen." he begged. She looked at him, captive against her will.
"When I met you, I ... I stopped being the man I knew. I was different. I never felt so light and crazy and .. and just totally free. I didn't worry about the things I had worried about all my life. I could appreciate not being a surgeon 24/7. I wanted to laugh and enjoy things. You made me smile. For the first time in my life I was being ruled by emotions. Sometimes you would drive me crazy, but even when you were, I wanted you more than anything. I've never been ruled by emotions Meredith. Everything has always been just so and all about prestige and fine things and image. Being with you, I didn't care if we had to live in a tent and I never saw an expensive car or a, well a pair of shoes again. I had everything I wanted in you. And when she came back, Addison, it was like life was telling me that I couldn't live like that, that it was wrong, and I had to feel all the pressure and responsibility I always had. To grow up. I didn't want to, and I don't know what I was doing. Even though I went to her, I never left you in my heart or mind, and I expected you to stay with me too. I know it was a shitty situation and I had no right to expect it from you, but I did. I don't know what I was expecting, except that I hoped she would leave. I'll be honest, I love Addison. But it's a different love. She feels like family to me, maybe once there was a time when I felt romantic about her, but that's long gone. I've held myself back for so long from doing what I did tonight.. grabbing you and kissing you. And when I did, it felt so right, so real. Since seeing you and not being able to be with you at Christmas, or having to hide to spend time with you, and seeing you start a real relationship with someone else has turned me into someone I never knew before. I get so angry and so so jealous. I literally cannot think or concentrate when I see you with him. I've felt so hopeless. When Doc went, I wanted to hold you so much, and it was killing me that I couldn't. And I can't live like that Meredith. I choose not to. Knowing how much I have hurt you kills me. I want to be the one who makes it all go away and makes you smile, and that laugh, it's like bells. I miss you laughing. I miss touching you. I know, God believe me Mer, I know I have no right to ask this, but it will kill me not to. Please tell me that I'm not too late." he breathed finally, stopping. Looking at her. She had tears running down her cheeks.
"Meredith... Angel, please say something." he begged her. He reached up and brushed the tears off her cheeks. She closed her eyes and shuddered at his touch. She had heard him she thought. Derek.. saying that to her. Seriously. He was looking at her so expectantly. He was loving her, he loved her. He wanted her?
"What does that mean?" she finally asked.
"It means... It means that I cannot go on with this life without you Meredith Grey. I refuse to wake up one more morning not being next to you, or go to sleep one more night without you in my arms. I want to touch you, kiss you, and make love to you whenever I want no matter who is around, no more hiding. Well maybe not make love to you in front of people, but .. you see what I mean." He smiled.
"You want me? What about her?" Meredith asked. She bit her lip. Everything felt so cloudy. She wanted to be able to remember this conversation later.
Derek brushed her hair off her face, "I can't continue hurting Addison , You , and me. It's time to sign those papers. Meredith, I love you." He wove his fingers into her hair and pulled her to him, brushing her lips with his. She sighed and opened her mouth, accepting his kiss. She opened her eyes, and he was staring into hers, smiling with his eyes. She pulled back.
"Please don't say anything right now until you've thought about it Mer. We deserve this. You would have every right to hurt me back and I would deserve it. I would. But what we have, it would be a sin to stop it anymore." he implored her with his eyes.
"Even if I wanted to, which part of me does... I don't have that strength. Damn you for what you do to me, but I can't help but belong to you Derek. But I will not be the dirty mistress. I want to go home, and I need to take care of Izzy. And you need to talk to her, and resolve it. Then you can call for me Derek. Then and only then. And let me tell you... if you don't and you stay with her, I have no doubt that you could still have me, because I have no control over that, but part of me would resent you Derek. Please don't make me be that person." She sat back, and fastened her seatbelt.
"Actions, show me." she cut him off. He sighed and turned, buckled his seatbelt and turned on the car. She deserved that. He slowly drove the car out of the lot, and headed to her house, wishing that he didn't have to let her out of the car.
He pulled to her curb, and turned to her.
"This is the last night I will not sleep next to you Meredith." he leaned over her and opened her door. If he got out, he wouldn't trust himself to let her go when she stood up. She slipped out of the car, and walked to the porch. He waited, and she didn't let him down, she turned and looked at him. Her lost look. She was overwhelmed. His tired, sad, overwhelmed angel. He smiled at her and nodded to the door. She turned, uncertainly and then unlocked the door and slid inside. He breathed out, relieved. She could have hurt him. No longer would he have to contrive to get moments with her, or be afraid to look at her. He could look at her whenever he wanted. She was his to look at.
He pulled away from the curb and headed to the trailer to confront Addison.