Disclaimer: All righty, I know my terms. This is Tai, not Pishivee. I don't own FFVII, its characters, events, ideas, themes, places. etc. I realize that Loveless is an album by My Bloody Valentine, and I don't own that either. But for FFVII, I like to believe (and thought before I knew who My Bloody Valentine were) that it is a play. If it was an album for a band, then it's probably a musical play. And all musicals need pit orchestras. And if you look at Reno in Advent Children (which I also don't own rights to), his upper lip curves very funny under his nose. I'm surrounded by band and orchestra every day, so I notice these things. I believe Reno may play some wind instrument, preferably brass (my lip looks like his because I've been playing French horn a while), but I wanted him to play a different one for the story's events. Hope you like this!


In the streets of Midgar...

"Hey, did you catch last night's Loveless performance?"

"No, why?"

"It was totally wack!"

"Are you talking about the Loveless play?"

"Yeah, did you see it?"

"No, but I heard about it on TV."

"I wonder how it all started?"

"Well, what happened exactly?"

"Just that the play was totally ruined! They had to close down during Act II and never got it back together."


When Reno got in to work that day, he had the air of a guilty puppy. Many of the employees looked up; this was hardly the spirited, cocky man they saw speed by them every day. Here was a downhearted, sorrowful, foot-shuffling guy just wishing last night had never happened.

Reaching the office of the Turks, he did his best to act natural, but it was a painful effort even for the confident redhead. Unfortunately, his boss Tseng observed his subordinate's behavior with curiosity. Reno saw Elena in the office and quickly turned away. She did the same; the female Turk was also depressed, but rather angry as well.

"What happened to you?" Tseng asked casually.

"Nothing," they both replied, not sure who he was addressing.

"If I ask you something, answer it. Elena?"

"Sir?"

"You first. What's wrong with you?"

"Maybe Reno could tell you. It's his fault."

"It is not my fault! You shouldn't have been up there in the first place!"

"I have been doing it every night and never seen you there!"

"Ah-ha, sure… and maybe you think I haven't been apart of it since a year ago?"

"I can't believe you did that!"

"STOP!" ordered Tseng. They both shut up and turned away from each other. "Reno, can you calmly tell me what happened? You can add in your part, Elena, as this is obviously the same story."

Reno sighed. "Did'ja hear about the Loveless play last night?"

Tseng nodded.

"Well Chief, I've been a bassoon player in the orchestra for over a year."

"You have? That's quite impressive Reno. I didn't know you respected the arts."

"With all due respect sir, I do it to get a little bit more gil. This Turks business doesn't pay quite as much as what I would like it to." Elena scoffed and Reno glared at her.

"Go on," encouraged Tseng mildly.

"Anyways, I was playin' last night when I decided to look up at the stage. See, we done rehearsals with all the actors before, but I never pay attention to them then. All the actresses look better in costume, if y'know what I mean."

Elena whispered, "You're sick." Tseng decided to ignore the last addition to the story and ushered Reno to go on.

"So, it was Act I—"

"Act II," corrected Elena.

"Do I care?"

"You should if you've been apart of it for a year."

"ANYWAYS, I figured I knew my music well enough and I decided to watch the show. That theatre doesn't have a real pit, Chief. It's more like we're playin' right in front of the audience, sorta level with the stage almost. So I looked up and there was Elena dancin' away, dressed as some ragged hobo-"

"I was not a hobo! I was a beggar."

"Right, a hobo. SO," trying to stop her from interrupting again, "I didn't know what to do. Here was Elena, on stage, dressed in the skimpiest of clothes-"

"It was my costume, perv. I didn't choose to be dressed that way."

"Dammit, I KNOW it was your COSTUME! But anyway, I found myself unable to stop from shouting her name. That's where it all went wrong." He stopped and looked at Elena. She encouraged him onward with her hands and said, "No don't stop. I want to hear your version of the story."

"You better go next then," he sneered. "So I called out Elena's name. And guess what, boss? This was one of the quietest sections of the piece. Man, I don't know what came over me."

"Were you under the influence of anything?" snickered Elena.

"What are you accusing me of? I never drink on duty."

"Sure you don't…"

"Elena, please stop interrupting," said Tseng, who was actually amused by it.

"Sorry sir."

"So, I called out her name. And wouldn't'cha know it, she stopped dancing. Then some giant woman crashed in to her, and she came flying into the orchestra. Guess who she landed on? Go on, take a guess Chief! That's right, me. I'm kinda far in, like near the oboes, if y'know what an orchestra looks like. So she landed on me and I saw 'er comin' out the corner of my eye so I dropped my bassoon. Well, here's what happened from what I gathered from the other guys.

"My bassoon hit the second oboe player, so she dropped her oboe and it bent a key. Elena hit my stand and sent it into the principal oboe, and he'd been suckin' on his reed, getting it ready for a big solo. Somehow, the poor ass swallowed his reed and began choking. Now, solo time was here and he couldn't play, and the principal flute next to him couldn't help him stop choking 'cause she also had a solo to play. It was like a duet, along with two stage characters. And the second oboe couldn't cover him because her oboe was broken now. So she did the Heimlich on him, he coughed it up, and it hit the conductor straight in the eye! But it doesn't end there! By some unfortunate law of physics or maybe the demons and angels made it celestially do so for their entertainment, Mr. Bowman's baton flew from his hand and in to the open mouth of the lead singer, for Act II anyway."

"What a show that must have been! I bet it only took a minute for all this to happen, right?" pondered Tseng, trying to contain his want to laugh.

"Yes sir. And now I gotta pay for the bassoon to be fixed, that oboe's oboe to be fixed, and some other fines they put on me for no reason known to man."

"Is that how it was, Elena?"

"Yes sir," she replied, "He told it brilliantly. And now we're both fired from the play."

"Hey, you didn't need to stop dancin' just 'cause I called your name."

"I-I couldn't help it. And I had never seen you down there. I had no idea your hair could look so neat."

"Only for the play."

"That's odd. And you value that job enough to look sharp there, yet for the job you seem to love the best, you show up looking unkempt and unprofessional?" probed Tseng.

Reno sheepishly replied, "You don't threaten to fire us for not lookin' nice, sir. That Mr. Bowman wouldn't let me play otherwise."

"I understand. I don't really care how you look as long as it isn't a business meeting or some other formal event either."

"Sir, you can't let him get away with that!" pleaded Elena.

"When you are head Turk, then you may make rules of your own," Tseng replied calmly. Elena shot eye daggers at Reno, who stuck his long tongue out at her.

"How come I ain't never seen you on the stage?" asked Reno, trying to invoke friendliness from Elena.

"Because I 'ain't never' been on stage all that much," she mocked him, "Normally, I'm backstage doing lights and stuff. I attend the dance rehearsals and act as a backup dancer, but they've never needed me 'til the last few performances. The lady I spot was sick. And you've always been in the pit?"

"Okay, this is like the third time I'm telling you 'YES'. I've been doing it for a year, since last October. Don't you need to pay any fines?"

"It wasn't my fault, but they're making me help pay for some of the conductor's surgery."

"Sorry, but I gotta do that too. And the dancer who ate the baton."

"You two are so amusing," laughed Tseng, switching off some little machine. "Why didn't you ever tell me you were involved with Loveless? It's too bad Rude wasn't here to hear this either. Don't worry, I won't embarrass you any longer."

But the next day, their entire commentary was in the papers.


Hey, everyone out there! I want you to send me reviews as answers to this question: How do you pronounce the Turks' names? And if you've seen the English version of Advent Children, how did you pronounce them before seeing it (if you've changed to pronouncing them as they are in the movie)? I say Reno as Reh-no, Elena as Eh-leh-nuh (i know someone with that name who pronounces it that way, but I know another girl who pronounces it Eh-lay-nuh) and Tseng as Sayng (but some website said the katakana really says Song). please answer.