11 short, moderately offensive, variable quality stories about life in general
Kira Wyrenn was thirteen years old. "Hmm" she thought. A penny on the ground. I'll just pick it up….. Then her skirt fell off and a man entered her. "Oh dear" she thought. I appear to be being raped. "Well stranger" she said, "I hope you used protection"
But he didn't
3 kids later……….
"Oh dear" said Kira, I hope I don't get raped today, I just can't afford to keep all these kids. So she sold them all to Nike corporation and McDonalds for slave labour and quarter pounders respectively.
But one escaped…
Meanwhile, Nakamura was polishing his sword. "This sword is awfully sharp". "Aargh" SPLAT "oh dear he said, I appear to have been impaled"
And so he had
Orrson and his wife Kart happened to come across a small Japanese boy in the road. "Why hello there" they said, "we have puppies and kittens in our car, would you like to come and see them?" "why yes" said the little boy. Then they savagely beat him with a stuffed puppy called Randell. He woke up in their basement. "hey" he said, "where are my pants?". "enough questions" said Orson, or we will be forced to beat you some more. I accept your challenge that you cannot beat the stuffed puppy out of me" said the boy.
So they did
Dun Morogh was walking to town to buy some new boots. "Why" he thought "I certainly hope that peni do not suddenly come out of my spine and begin raping little girls who appear to be randomly standing next to me".
Then that happened
Chris May needed his hair cutting. "Hmm" he thought, "I should go to the local barber in Guildford, but I'll go to North Korea instead".
On arriving at 'Mekkatorque's discount barber shop', he was greeted by Mekkatorque himself, who proclaimed about their low, low prices "all the haircut you need, for only 70 of the price" "Did I mention I was certified as blind?" "No" replied Chris. He then proceeded to cut Chris's hair at the neck. "Oh dear" said Chris, do I still have to pay? "Of course" said Mekkatorque
He did. It cost 22789423 Won ($3)
Danyall was walking down the street. Suddenly, a bike hit him. "Oh I say" he said, what foolish being pilots this contraption. Upon looking at the cyclist, he discovered that it was none other than Mekkatorque, the blind barber. Why Mekkatorque, you massive bendor, why the devil would you attempt to control such a machine.
"Well" said Mekkatorque, "it all began after I had sexual relations with a trogg". "What is a trogg?" said Dan. "Why, a trogg is a short fat Korean woman with two penises, who has been defined as not fit for the earth and is destined to spend the rest of it's life wandering the earth for cheap sex."
"Oh, said Danyall "that bad eh?" Before he was clubbed around the head by Mekkatorque.
Daveth, the Welshman was trying to think of a use for the one hundred thousand barrels of grease he had won in a stripping contest with Orsson, who only received a stuffed puppy for coming second. After winning the contest Daveth was clubbed around the head by Mekkatorque, and imprisoned in his castle, in North Korea. Upon wandering into the kitchen he came across Pauline who willingly greased him up. Thus he was ready for his fight to the death with Danyall, and the winner escaping the castle.
The little Japanese boy had just come around after getting the stuffed puppy beating out of him by Orrson and Kart. "What do you want with me" he squealed. "We want to sell you to McDonald and eat you as a quarter pounder" "What!" said the little Japanese boy before being bundled into a sack.
And they thought he tasted delicious
Now back to the castle. In Mekkatorque's duel room a crowd was forming. Danyall still had tyre prints on his back and splinters in his head. "I wish he had used a smooth bat" complained Danyall. "Hush" Mekkatorque replied to the potted plant. "And let the battle begin" The two fighters lunged for each other, but Daveth slipped past Danyall. This was going to be a slippery affair. Unfortunately for Daveth there was a mace lying on the ground, and because Daveth had slipped into the wall, Danyall was closing in with the mace, surely he was going to win?
Unlucky for him though there was an old Jewish man in the crowd, who had just bought the remote controlled bike off Mekkatorque. It came jumping into the arena and straight into the back of Danyall, shattering his spine instantly. "Not again" screamed Danyall. Someone in the crowd then jumped up and shouted "Aaahhhh Wanker". With his last once of strength Danyall said "My only regret was that I have a bike in my back". Daveth though had a much worst fate, the Jewish man owned him and forced him to become his lover, in a gay sex orgy. (You're Hired)
And he complied.
Terry the eloquent was perambulating down the boulevard when he noticed a rather rumbumtious gentleman ambling towards his general parameter. "Whatever could he want?" he observed. "my obnoxious eloquence notwithstanding, I see no reason why I should be the subject of such resplendence." Upon noticing his upstandingness, the stalker cogitated that his presence was unmissable in its prominence and proceeded to give Terry a good hard raping. "Oh my" said Terry, "you appear to have caused my rectum to bleed profusely" "aye" said the unnamed stranger "better get that mopped up" he then vanished into the night, leaving no more than a strange smell in the air and all his clothes.
"The Don" Vigilante was on the top of the empire state building when he heard a scream. Anthony had just entered Daryll as a required naval tradition on their spring break from the HMS Bumalott. They were staying in the penthouse suite and taking in the New York's most famous attractions, the skyline, the yellow cabs, the rent boys…
Meanwhile, the Don was collecting his protection money from the local Laundromat at the top of the empire state building, and taking it back to the hideout, "Honest Don's Italian café" when he decided to burst into the first room he came across and give out random beatings to the first two people he saw.
After he had finished beating the homosexuality out of them, he returned to "Honest Don's Italian café" where he stopped off to buy some satsumas, when he was shot in the back with a crossbow, but don't worry he'll be okay.
Although he later died of scrotum cancer.
Jack the Lad though, at the same time the don died of scrotum cancer, was in a submarine in the south pacific. He was under the command of Mekkatorque, and his' second in command general Thorpe. Thorpe was suspiciously homosexual, and his looks at commander Mekkatorque's rear lasted too long. On arriving in North Korea Mekkatorque treated his men to the finest attractions in the south seas. He took his men to a multi layered stripping club. Most of the men 'lapped' it up but Thorpe still looked suspiciously homosexual. He followed Mekkatorque into the toilets and was going in for the rear (to the tune of '99 luftballons') when a cubicle door flew open to revel Mekkatorque's 105 year old mother (who goes by the name Quetsacoatl) having relations with Jack the Lad.
As everyone gasped the ceiling collapsed on top of Commander Thorpe, along with many naked women. He died of a naked woman avalanche. When he was discovered he was found to be sucking his thumb!
A group of wandering whores were walking through the red light district, when a flying book out of nowhere struck the girls upon the head causing instant death. Their pimp Bruddah Smitt, aided by his personal whore Lady (of the night) Saggybottom, was not best pleased, he has just lost a quarter of his income. In his Northern Jamaican accent said,' By 'eck, mon'. 'Ye dun gone splattered ma income all over the street, ay'
There were two innocent boys at the top of the tallest building in the red light district, purely there for the views. The girls, dressed in their most revealing attire shouted, 'it wer' 'ose boys, up ere'.
The two boys, Daryll and Anthony, were bemused, when the horde of whores, accompanied by an angry Bruddah Smitt, came rushing upstairs for them. Daryll and Anthony screamed like girls, as Bruddah Smitt gave them a sound hiding with his feathered cap before throwing them out the window to their deaths.
We hope you have enjoyed our tales, you may now refer us to the board and get us banned from here forever, until we make a new account.
If you did enjoy our work email us at apologise to Pauline May for stealing her name (we are not actually called Pauline may).