Disasterpiece Theater

Disasterpiece Theater

From the folks who brought you the Weekly Digimon Reports

            The old studio has changed to one of a study, complete with a fireplace and a comfy red velvet cushioned wing chair. Lia sat in the wing chair, smiling at her audience.

"Good evening, and welcome to Disasterpiece Theater. Since season two ended, I'll be broadcasting this instead. What I'm doing is pulling an 02 character's name from a hat (at random) and writing a short piece on that cast member. Unfortunately, this might end up being one of the last things I write for a while. My Internet service at home is from my dad's work, and his company is changing Internet service so I won't get it at home, and my parents don't know if they want to pay for Internet. So, that's my spiel. Anyway, today's piece is one about…"

Lia goes into the plastic hardhat sitting by her computer and pulls out a slip of paper.

"Armadillomon. And now, ladies and gentlemen, an Armadillomon Story…"

~*~

            Cody had been gone all day, and it was starting to get unbearable. Armadillomon glanced at the clock sourly, started pacing the floor, and glanced at the clock again. The time hadn't changed in that whole two seconds.

"Where could he be? How long does it take for someone to have a dentist's appointment?"

Cody's D-Terminal, which he left on his desk along with his D-3, suddenly chimed, announcing new email.

"Well I'll be! Cody gets almost as much email as Kari!"

The little yellow armadillo went over to the D-Terminal and opened it up. Surprisingly, the email was addressed to him.

Armadillomon~

            Shootout at the Digital OK Corral. Be there, or else.

~Sheriff Starmon

"Starmon?! But he went back to being a law-abiding digimon after we removed his Dark Ring! Oh well, might as well go along with it. It may end up being some big hoax. Yeah, I'll go see what he wants…after a sandwich and a nap."

THIS IS NO TIME FOR SANDWICHES OR NAPS! YOU'RE THE HERO OF THE STORY, DO SOMETHING!

Armadillomon stared at the ceiling in confusion. "Either that's the author or I've had one too many tacos."

~*~

            To make a short story shorter, Armadillomon coerced T.K. into helping him get to the Digital World, and to the Wild West. No sooner did he get there than he found himself wearing Mimi's old pink ten-gallon hat.

"Huh? Now where in tarnation did this come from?"

"Howdy, pardner. You must be new in town, City Slicker. Why doncha step into the bar and have a cold drink?" a familiar voice asked.

"Wait just a gall durn minute! Since when do you own a bar in the Digital Old West, Gabumon?"

The lizard-dog thing shrugged, adjusting his hat. "Dunno. Hey, if Matt can own a rock band, I can run a bar. I have a liquor license and everything!"

            Armadillomon followed the bartender in, and hopped into one of the stools.

"Uh…gee, this is a kids' show. Should I really be drinking?"

"You won't be able to drink when I'm through with you, that's because you'll have holes through yer middle!" Starmon exclaimed, coming through the front doors. Silence fell over the room. The card players dropped their hands and chips, the waitresses nearly fainted, and Gomamon, who was at the player piano trying to play with no hands, stopped playing.

"Hold the enchilada! Why are you causing trouble round these parts? You don't have a Dark Ring anymore or anything!" Armadillomon exclaimed, the hat falling over his eyes.

"Well, this was the best we could come up with for a story about you, you yellow-bellied city slicker!"

"Actually, my belly's purple. You wanna make something of it?"

            "Bring it on."

Armadillomon waddled out of the bar after the sheriff, frowning.

I don't know what I've gotten myself into, but I know I can get myself out…I hope.

"Ten paces, then draw!"

"Now, wait, draw what? A still life, or a portrait? And you know, sculpture's more my media…"

"YOU KNOW DURN WELL WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!"

Biyomon, one of the waitresses wearing fishnets and a feather boa, scrambled out of the bar.

"Hey! Do it right! Show him what you're playing for!"

"Oh! Almost fergot! Thanks, little lady. Deputymon, bring out Batchelorette #1!"

The pistol digimon came out of the sheriff's office with a little girl dressed in one of those frilly waitress/barmaid outfits, and way too much makeup.

            "Armadillomon, help me!"

"Cody?! You're a cross dresser?!"

"No! These stupid digimon kidnapped me and dressed me up like a girl just because my voice actor is Mimi's voice actor! But don't hurt them, they're living creatures like you and me!"

Agumon sat on a chair outside the post office, hearing Cody's sentimental speech.

"Back in my day, we didn't care who we blew up. Now these here whippersnappers don't wanna blow up anything that's trying to gall durn kill 'em."

            Starmon and Armadillomon stood back-to-back, or relatively back-to-back, and counted off ten paces. Both turned and whipped guns from their holsters, pulling the triggers. Little white flags reading "Bang!" on them popped out of the barrels.

"What in tarnation?"

"Network censors! Thank you Terri-Lei O'Malley!" Armadillomon cried. Starmon picked up Deputymon and tried using him as a gun.

"Um, Sheriff, can you just put me down? Please?"

Armadillomon picked up a conveniently placed watermelon, swallowed the whole thing, rind and all, and started shooting a barrage of seeds like a machine gun. They bounced off Starmon with a little "ping" every time.

"Ow! Ow! Ow! Okay, okay! You win, you win! I'll give back your little scary boyish girl thing and leave you well alone."

Cody wiped off the makeup with a sleeve and pulled off the dress, revealing his usual turtleneck and leggings.

"Can we go home now, Armadillomon? I'm very confused."

"Me too. Hi ho, Silver, away!"

"Um, Armadillomon?"

"Yeah Cody?"

"We don't have a horse named Silver."

"Can we use Pegasusmon?"

Cody shrugged as he and our armadillo hero walked off into the sunset.

Palmon stood outside the bar, feathers stuck to her head. "Who was that masked mon anyway?"

~*~

            "There you have it, an Armadillomon Story. I'm aware that it was short and made little sense, but that's what these stories are designed for. Like I said earlier, I don't know if and/or when the next story or any story of mine will come out, but until then I'm still very much involved in Digimon. I'm Lia Agianna for Disasterpiece Theater. Good night."

And as the lights dimmed a cattle stampede and a herd of tumbleweeds ran through the back of the set, followed by Armadillomon in the ten-gallon hat, riding Pegasusmon and swinging a lasso.

"YIPPEE-YI-O-KAY-E! Get along, little doggies!"

Lia groaned and sank back into her chair. "Why do I have a bad feeling about these things?"

~*~

So the first one wasn't exactly funny. It was the first thing I could come up with. Besides, who writes a story about Armadillomon anyway? So…review or something.