Disasterpiece Theater

Finally! Something New and Different!

            Lia's stationed in her now squeaky clean and still slightly dusty bedroom, sitting in a wing chair that hadn't been sat in by a human being for a very long time…as it had been used for clothing depository. On her lap is a very large, very thick binder of white-lined paper, a copy of Gundam Wing the manga, and a blue feather pen.

            "Good morning, afternoon, or evening, I'm Lia Agianna and this is Disasterpiece Theater. Well, in my purging of that hellhole of a bedroom, I tossed out all the old slips that this series relied on. That means I can't give everyone not yet used their own personal story, because that'd take too long and I forget who was left over. That being said, Disasterpiece Theater is taking on a new format. We will be using Digimon cast members from all four respective seasons to perform parodies of well-known movies and/or anime series that I just can't do as a whole story. So, without further ado, may I give you today's or tonight's Disasterpiece. For your personal enjoyment, I present the Digimon Players in their short parody of…you guessed it, Gundam Wing."

~*~

***Just Miscommunication: Gundam Wing Done Disasterpiece***

Just wild beat communication…yada-yada-yada some Japanese words…tonight.

            'With high expectations, humans leave Earth and begin living in colonies in space. However, the United Earth Sphere Alliance has taken control of the colonies in the name of justice and peace. Certain colonies have retaliated by sending mobile suits to Earth disguised as shooting stars in Operation Meteor. But the Alliance soon catches on to their scheme…'

            Willis, producer of all things parody, ran around with his little clipboard, looking very nervous. Mimi and Sora, meanwhile, were doing their best as hair and makeup artists…even though Mimi has a role in the cast. Hair was taking far too long, and Sora had to get a vat of Vaseline to grease up Takato's legs in order for him to make any attempt to hike on those nasty tight spandex shorts of Heero's.

            "Are we ready yet? We just finished that really annoying and repetitive little opening phrase thing and stuck up the episode marquee, the one with Wing on it? The pilots need to be on stage now," he informed everyone, looking as if he were going to start shooting up a couple of colonies himself.

            "Just about!" Mimi and Sora chimed, still trying to hoist those awful shorts up Takato. Yolei walked in, dressed very Lady Une-like.

            "What episode are we even doing? I mean, something seems wrong about this," she asked, playing with her very large, not as intimidating as the real Une's glasses.

Willis examined his clipboard. "Um…it's sort of hodgepodge. Lia's only seen episodes one through four and Endless Waltz, so she sort of lumped everything together. Now can we please get on with this?"

The cast filed out onto the set, which was pilfered from the back closets at Cartoon Network, where they threw Tenchi Muyo and Big O and Blue Submarine No. 6. And so, let us finally get started with this parody, aptly titled…

~The Shooting Star She Saw that Was Actually the Gundam Deathscythe and Five Gundams were Confirmed at the Victoria Nightmare's Endless Waltz~

            A couple of useless, random, nameless pilots played by any of the boys that weren't main characters glanced out of the shuttle windows at something that appeared to be a shooting star. Random Pilot Kenta glanced down at the radar.

            "Something big headed for the atmosphere. You think we should inform Lieutenant…" he paused to giggle loudly.

Joe glared at him. "What? What's so funny?"

            "This guy's name. Lieutenant Sex."

            "What?!" Cody gasped. "Let me see your script!" He leafed through the pages, read something, and smacked Kenta with said script.

            "His name is 'Zechs,' not 'Sex,' you idiot. If you're going to have a problem with it, just call him Lieutenant Merquise. Besides, we're not using the real first names anyway."

            Meanwhile, in a very big blue shuttle that's so not conspicuous at all (read: dripping with sarcasm) Matt was definitely not wearing the big metal Zechs Merquise helmet.

            "No way am I letting this thing mess up my hair. Yeah, so there's something entering the Earth's atmosphere. We'll shoot it down, don't worry."

Meanwhile, on a shuttle headed for Earth as well, daughter of the Vice Foreign Minister Mimi Darlian was very upset that her 'father' had neglected her while they were on vacation in the colonies.

            "Stop that. You know my job is important," Gennai (the younger) chided. "Not my fault I'm the Vice Foreign Minister and you're annoying."

Mimi huffed and crossed her arms, glaring out the window. "Hey, something falling through the atmosphere that looks like a shooting star but isn't. Cool."

And within the Gundam…I mean, shooting star, pilot Takato Yuy was doing his damnedest to sound like Heero, but failing miserably.

            "I'm too nice to be playing Heero. Why couldn't they have cast somebody scarier? Or older? I'm only twelve! And, oh damn, now the OZ mobile suits are coming after me. Let's go, Wing."

And in true low-budget fashion, the model of the plane Wing Gundam (as held by Veemon) is switched for the model of the mobile suit Wing (as held by Veemon's other hand). Said model starts attacking the model Leo suits and Aries suits (as held by Shadowmon, Gomamon, and Patamon). All the digimon were making those childish and annoying battle background noises.

            "Fssshhhhhewwww! Wsshhhhh! Bang! I shot you with my buster rifle! You exploded with a brrrrrrrgggggrrrmmmm!"

Yeah. Meanwhile, on terra firma…

~*~

            Stuff was 'exploding' thanks to a model of Deathscythe (as held by Wormmon) until a close-up pans inside the cockpit, where somebody who looks remarkably like Duo Maxwell (but isn't) was logging in his entry.

            "This is Taichi Maxwell, I'm surprised Sora and Mimi managed to gel my hair down this much and braid it like this, I didn't think it was humanly possible. And there were about three hundred Tokomon in it as well. But maybe they got it braided because I've been filching Kari's Herbal Essences shampoo lately and it's been leaving my hair so shiny and soft and…oh right, I destroyed the enemy and their suits and I'm moving on."

            And at a munitions factory halfway across the globe (or a cardboard set that looks like a munitions factory) the Gundam Heavyarms model (held by and sound-effected for by Gabumon) was 'shooting down' the enemy. Inside, a certain loudmouthed twelve-year-old had had his mouth duct taped and his hair meticulously gelled into a unibang.

            "Now that you've seen me, I can't let you live. My secret mission was only to destroy the base. Now I'll destroy everything. This is battle 001, pilot's name, Trowa………Kazu (it was recorded in), for the record," a slightly tinny recording stated. Nobody trusted Kazu to say only his lines. Besides he would've said something very not Trowa, like "you're so dead, Chumley. My Heavyarms takes out your Taurus with this upgrade card."

            And in the middle of the desert, several Leo models were shot at by forty Manguanac suit models (kept in levitation by Shadowmon's psychic twiddlings) and the Gundam Sandrock model slices and dices with its big scimitars (held up by Impmon). The camera pans in to find our pilot pulling his goggles up.

            "Takeru here, I destroyed the leader. And I swear I'm not the gay one. I don't care if Quatre really is the gay one, I'm not. Matt, stop snickering at me, you have that fruity uniform on."

From the Gundam communication channels, Matt replies with, "I'm not the one wearing the pink shirt and the purple vest. And your Gundam looks like it's in drag."

            "You're an awful brother, I hate you."

            And on a submarine (in a bathtub) the Gundam Shenlong (or Nataku the First) model (held by Terriermon…Henry's, not Willis's) was destroying things. Camera pans inside and…

            "My name's Ken, I'm not hiding anywhere and I'm not really Chinese. My hair's just been pulled so tightly that it's making the corners of my eyes pull back even further than they normally are. It really, really hurts. Can't Wufei just leave it down? It looks so much better."

~*~

            While this has gone on, Takato's tried to self-destruct a few times already, but refuses to do it because he's scared. He didn't threaten to kill Mimi either, nor did he beat up any paramedics, ride a horse, or rip up birthday invitations. Mimi refuses to be infatuated with Takato either, because she states that it'd be robbing the cradle. Lia and Nicki, high muckety-muck executives in this fiasco, are starting to wonder if they should recast. Meanwhile, Calumon's bathtub had been invaded by Gomamon, a submarine, some Cancer and Pisces suits, the Wing suit that fell into the ocean, and Deathscythe.

            "You'll all die!" Tai stated a little too happily. "Anybody who sees me dies!"

Matt interrupted on the communication lines again. "Duo's not that happy, nimrod. And what's with Takato? He won't be eerie at all."

            "Maybe Ryo should take over as Heero. Wardrobe!" Lia hollered. Sora ran around with a large silk screen, which she placed in front of Takato. His silhouette throws off the tank top and replaces it, and then struggles with the shorts. Another screen is placed in front of Ryo Akiyama, who puts on the green tank top and takes a jar of Vaseline from Sora, greases up his legs, and slides the spandex shorts on with a loud sucking sound (from the spandex).

            "Better. Now be evilish," Nicki demanded.

Tai tried shooting at Ryo after Ryo tried shooting at Mimi, but everyone found out that their guns were only squirt guns full of tapioca pudding.

            "Oh, who puts tapioca pudding in a squirt gun? This is ridiculous!" Tai cried out.

The network censors waved.

Meanwhile, there are shots of Kazu trying to join the circus, where he put his arm into a Leomon cage and almost got it ripped off; T.K. sitting in a tent with a large glass of lemonade, watching flamingoes flock to his already girly enough Gundam and swear vehemently that he still is not the gay one; and Ken paying off a couple of guys with an Army truck to do something about his hair…I mean give him explosives.

~*~

            And then Ryo was taken to a hospital after sustaining too many pudding injuries, and we meet Zoe Po, the pigtailed Army major. She walks out and visits with Mimi, who is desperate to see Ryo.

            "So, what do you know about this friend you brought into the hospital?" Zoe (who's really Izumi, but Zoe sounds closer to Sally) asked.

            "Not a whole lot. He used to be Takato, but we had to switch Heero's because Takato was too much of a wuss. And he likes to try and kill himself a lot."

And then Tai snuck into the hospital, blew a few things up, and he and Ryo escaped out a window. Ryo almost didn't deploy his parachute, but by the time he did, it was almost too late and he rolled down a cliff. Everybody watching the little Heero action figure roll down the flight of stairs (the cliff) made the appropriate sound effects.

            "Ooh! Ow! Ah! Oh! Oof! Oh! Ack! Ow! Ai!"

            And meanwhile Sex…I mean Zechs…I mean Matt is wondering why we have a Lady Une but no Treize Khushrenada. And yelling at everyone to do what he says because he's the OZ Special Forces lieutenant and they're not. And at the Corsica base, the random pilots got shot at by Heavyarms the action figure until he ran out of ammo. Kazu managed to take the tape off, but under penalty of death has to behave.

            "Oh crud, I'm out of ammo. Looks like I'll just have to use my giant machete."

And Kazu began using his giant machete until Sandrock and the Manguanac troops came to back them up, and Heavyarms and Sandrock began fighting each other. T.K. came out of the cockpit.

            "We're on the same side, you know! And quit laughing at me! I'm not the gay one! Besides, if I was the gay one, you'd be my boyfriend because it's so damn obvious Quatre and Trowa have a thing going for each other!"

            "Dude, you talk way too much."

~*~

            Matt goes off to visit Hikari Noin, whose hair has been dyed a lovely shade of Ichijouji blue and restyled at Victoria base. Neither one speaks to the other, because Matt really doesn't want to be flirting with his best friend's sister-slash-brother's girlfriend, and likewise for Kari…even though we all know Noin and Zechs have the hots for one another. Ryo and Tai work on fixing their mobile suits, Ryo being eerily Heero-y and Tai trying way too hard to be Duo. Kazu and T.K. try to do Quatre and Trowa's violin and flute duet and only manage to break the violin we had on hand and play a good game of softball with the flute. We have no real Manguanacs, and no real Rashid.

            Ken comes along in Shenlong and blows things up, a lot of things. Seems that Ken has some pyromania. Kari jumps into an Aries and takes off after him, but falters when it comes to firing at him.

            "You're just a kid, and you're my friend Ken Ichijouji so I can't hurt you!"

            "Stupid woman, I'm Chang Ken, and you're weak. I'm not going to kill a weak woman like you, but I'll blow everything up around you while you helplessly dangle in the cockpit by your shoulder harness."

Ooh dear, looks like Kenny's all Kaiser-y. Damn Wufei-ness.

And then Ken yells a whole lot, probably because his ponytail is so very, very tight.

To round the whole thing out, Mimi stands on a cliff, facing the water, staring off at the sunset. She takes a deep breath and clenches her fists.

            "HEEEEEEEEEERO! I AM RIGHT OVER HERE, SO COME AND KILL MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

~*~

Just love…mumble mumble Japanese…

The end credits are supposed to have Relena scowling a whole lot into the camera, but Mimi doesn't know how to scowl, so we replaced her with Rika scowling a whole lot into the camera. And kicking a rhinoceros.

Kouji shook his head. "This was the most low budget, depressingly stupid parody of Gundam Wing I have ever seen. Nobody really talked at all."

Tai tugged at his hair, finding that now that it was in the Duo braid, he couldn't get it out of the Duo braid. "Well, that can't be helped."

            "I didn't even do anything in this, and Zechs is all over the episodes," Matt groused.

            "Well, as bishounen as he is, he's Zechs, and his mask is ugly, so we didn't give him much to do," Nicki stated.

            "And where was Treize?" Junpei (or J.P) asked.

The girls grimaced. "Um…stuck in the bathtub?"

~*~

            "So, that was my pathetic attempt at writing a really short parody of Gundam Wing. Hope you got some laughs out of it, because this is the sort of thing we're doing here from now on. For the Disasterpiece Theater and its performers, I'm Lia Agianna. Omae o korosu. Kisama. Onna. And all those other good Japanese one-liners from Gundam Wing."

~*~

Ishida: That was dumb.

Shut up.

Winner: I really am the gay one, aren't I?

It's sort of obvious, Q. But we love you anyways.

Chang: Stupid onna.