A/N: Hey guys, since this is my very FIRST fanfiction EVER, I have to admit, I am excited yet really nervous. Saying that, I would have to thank my dearest friendSHiNiGAMiLENNE for being my inspiration and giving me the courage to do this. I Love You! D
Disclaimer: I do NOT own the Teen Titans, if I did, Beast Boy would have gone out with Raven by now, but I don't, so I don't see that happening anytime soon.
The Pained Heart
She s always on my mind, everyday and night. It's always her, no one else, just her. Ever since I can remember, she has always been the one I care for the most.
Ok, so maybe I didn't think of her much in the beginning when we first joined the Teen Titans. I mean, at first, she was just this really weird girl who was just so unknown at the time. No one knew who she was, or where she came from. But wait, who am I kidding? Neither of us knew anyone else at all! Although, I did know Robin a little bit. He was, in reality, an amateur crime fighter trying to protect Jump City from shameless criminals. He did it for the justice. That's what I admire most about him. Always thinking of what is best for the people of Jump City. Although his decisions for what he thinks is best for Jump City did get in the way sometimes, I've realized this from some experiences here with the Titans; some bad experiences, some painful experiences.
I lay in my bed, in my room with the lights off. I get sensitive to the light now, probably because I am in the dark most of the day when we aren't saving the world. I just lay there, I turn my head to glare at the alarm clock on the side-table. It reads 3:00am. I sigh at that, knowing I can't get a decent night of sleep anymore. It worries me a lot, but I don't mind much because I am thinking of her.
I am staring at the ceiling now, with my hands behind my head. I let my mind wonder. I start thinking about the bad memories. I don't know why I let myself do it. It's like as if someone is controlling me, controlling my thoughts, wanting me to experience more pain, never letting me forget about the past. I think of Terra, my dear friend. She had passed away two years ago. Man, it's already been that long. I close my eyes. I let myself think of those harsh memories.
What most of the Titans had thought about Terra and I was that we were intimately involved with each other. That's not true. Terra and I were good friends, best friends in fact. We always thought of each other more like siblings. I loved Terra, and Terra loved me, but we weren't IN love with each other. I was in love with Raven, Terra knew that, I had told her one day, that's how much I trusted her.
"Yes, Beast Boy?"
We were in my room, sitting on my bed. She was sitting cross-legged on the end of my bed. She was reading a book, I'm not quiet sure what it was, but I knew that she must have been really bored. Terra didn't read much, it's not that she hated reading or anything like that, she just always found something better to do with her spare time. She's just reading now because there really isn't anything else to do, I don't blame her, I feel that way too. We haven't had a mission in a week! We were all getting extremely bored. I sat there opposite to her with my back against the wall, my knees folded up to my chest, and my arms hugging my legs. She had looked up at me when I started to talk to her. I looked away from her gaze. I knew I could tell her, that I loved Raven.
"C-Can I tell you something personal?" I said, still staring away from her.
"Oh, of course you can Beast Boy." She said, with a tender voice.
I turn to look at her, she has a look of concern now, I see it in her eyes, she must know that I am really struggling to tell her this. But I need to tell her, I need her advise.
"Beast Boy, what's wrong?" She reaches out her right hand and places it on my left knee.
"I.." I hesitate, I look away again, I don't know if this is a good idea anymore.
She moves over in front of me, then stops. I look up at her, there is sorrow in her eyes. She reaches out to embrace me in her arms.
"Beast boy, it's ok. You can tell me, you've been so quite lately. Tell me what's wrong?"
Her arms are warm and her hug is caring. It makes me smile. I feel like I can just be like this forever. Terra was one of the only people to ever show love towards me, it feels good when I know that someone has actually, lovingly cared about me. I pull away slightly to let her know that I want to tell her now. She sits back on her heels and smiles as she sees my face, she knows that I am feeling better now.
"Terra, I've been meaning to tell you something for awhile now."
"Oh, well then go ahead Beast Boy."
"I-I love Raven." I say abruptly, I close my eyes tight, I couldn't help it, I feared for her reaction.
"Oh." She says almost questionly.
I open one eye and look up at her. She has a pondering look on her face.
"Well, it's about time you admit it B.B.!" She says happily.
I am in shock at first, she actually knew! I smile, she called me B.B. again, she always says it when she's cheery.
"I've noticed you staring at her whenever she wasn't noticing. You always try to get her to laugh at your jokes too. Failing most of the time, but when you did make her smile you were extremely happy."
"Of course B.B.! I am your best friend afterall!"
She winks at me, I smile again. I'm glad she isn't mad.
"But B.B., one question."
"Why were you all depressed about having to tell me?"
"Oh, um, well, I- I guess I was afraid you wouldn't like it and get mad because you and Raven aren't exactly the best of friends."
"Oh, I see, well that maybe true, but you should know that I would support in whatever you do!"
I smile, "Yeah, I guess you're right Terra!"
Terra starts to ponder again, "Beast Boy…"
"What is it Terra?"
"You need to tell her."
I smirk a little as I recall that night two years ago. Soon, my smile is gone and I start to remember those painful memories again. She gave me her advice. I became confident again, so confident that I was going to confess my love to Raven the next day. However, the next day was the day I would never forget. That day, Terra had betrayed us. She was being controlled by Slade, I hated him for it, I still hate him for it. I was devastated, I felt so much pain. I wondered why Terra would do this, to us, to me. I knew I had to pull myself together to get her back. So I had went to her. At that time, I was angry with her. She had betrayed us, her friends, me. It made me sad, not angry, not furious, not hateful, but sad. In the end, she had sacrificed herself to save us, to save the city, to save me.
A tear runs down my face as I recall that painful memory. I turn on my side, wanting to just forget about those things. Ever since, I wasn't the same anymore. I mean sure, I would still play the funny, goofy guy on the team, but now I am just hiding how I really am inside, a lonely, little, green boy who just cries and cries, waiting for his useless life to end. I smirk at that, and chuckle, "I'm so pathetic". I try to close my eyes to get some sleep. That day, I didn't do what I said I would do. I didn't confess my love to Raven, I still haven't. I now lay there, in my bed, in my room, tears dropping from my empty eyes. I start to drift off to sleep, I think, and realize the harsh truth, that maybe, I never will.