Gundam Wing Humor
Duo: Hey Trowa
Trowa: What is it, Duo? You want me to show you how to do a back flip?
Duo: Nah, I was just wonderin', how long does it take do to your hair?
Trowa: Not as long as it is to do yours.
(Duo gasps, Trowa smiles and does a bow. Quatre muffles a laugh. Heero grumbles and Wufei bites his lip as he reaches his hand to his ponytail.)
* * *
Heero: (carrying a large bag) The only way in is that one of us dresses up as a woman.
Quatre: (slapping him on the back) I guess you're the man for the job, Duo. (begins playing a sad melody on his violin.)
Heero: Do it or I'll kill you.
Duo: Can't we have someone else do it? I can ask Hilde to do it!
Heero: There's no time.
Wufei: This is not justice!
Trowa: It shouldn't take long Duo.
Duo: Why don't you do it? You're the clown in this group!
Trowa: No way! I'd rather have a lion eat me!
Heero: Duo, hurry up! Now!
Duo: (sighing) Okay, I'll do it! (rips the bag from Heero's arms.) But I am VERY angry!
(Duo spends an hour in the bathroom.)
Trowa: (Looking nervously around the room) You think he needs help?
(The others shrug)
Trowa: (knocking on the door) Uh, Duo, do you need help with, something?
Duo: Yeah, do you have a gun??
Heero: Get out of there, Duo! (bangs on the door)
Duo: No, I'm not coming out!
Quatre: (puts his violin down and knocks in the door gently) Listen Duo, (gulp) if it will make you feel any better, (gulp) I'll go with you.
Duo: You're nice Quatre, but I don't want the both of us to suffer.
Quatre: (wiping sweat off his forehead) Whew!!
Duo: (sighing) Okay, I'm coming out. (He steps out wearing a blue dress and high heels. His hair is up in a bun.) I'd much rather be kicking some ass instead.
Quatre: Told you were man for the job, Duo.
Heero: (laughing hysterically, which makes the others really surprised) He's not a man now!
(The others laugh and Quatre plays the 'you're in trouble now' song. Duo gasps and runs off.)
Duo: Oh great! Heero finally tells a joke and it's about me!
* * *
Duo: That was such a nice dinner! Who would have thought that oysters were such a delicacy!
Hilde: (covering her mouth with a napkin) Not me.
(the bill reaches the table)
Trowa: (looking over the bill) Uh-ohhh.
Cathy: What's wrong, Trowa?
Trowa: The bill, it's a lot of money. It's $38.97!
Wufei: (clenching his fists) This is outrageous! Who would charge so much for a meal!? No wonder why so many people starve in China! Arrrrrgggghh!!!
Duo: (counting money) I've got $10.
Relena: (reaching in her purse) I think I've got at least $20 here somewhere.
Hilde: I just got a dollar.
Duo: Dang, did Oz steal your money?
Dorothy: What about the tip?
(All look at Quatre, who is drinking water nervously. He feels their eyes on him.)
Duo: Hey, money bags, how much do you have?
Trowa: We need money for the tip.
Quatre: (taking out his credit card) I wish I had a brother.
* * *
(Scene: the gundams are in the shop and the boys have to find a way to humor themselves. They are walking down a street looking for something to do.)
Duo: Man, I'm bored. Bored, bored, bored, bored!
Wufei: This so boring! Injustice!
Quatre: (gasps and points at a violin store) I could use a new violin! (runs in and starts looking at everything)
Trowa: (scratches head) I thought he had enough already.
Heero: (shrugs then gasps, even more deep than Quatre when he sets his eyes on a gunsmith shop) Guns!!!
Duo: Wait Heero, you don't have any money, do you?
(Heero starts running toward the gunsmith shop, stops then turns to the violin store) Quatre, could I borrow some money??
(Duo shakes head and looks at Wufei and Trowa. Trowa looks at each store and sees nothing of interest.)
Trowa: Don't they have any masks or costume shops anywhere?
(Quatre and Heero walk out of the violin store. Quatre has a new shiny violin and Heero is asking him for money.)
Heero: Please, Quatre???
Quatre: Heero, why would you need a gun if you pilot the Wing Zero? I thought you already had a gun.
Heero: (puts hands on hips and acts insulted): If I had a gun on me, I'd shoot you!! I did have a gun, but I ran out of ammunition!
Quatre: What'd you do, throw it away?
Heero: What? Well, you bought a new violin and you've got like 10 of 'em!!
Quatre: No I don't!
Duo: Heero, leave Quatre alone and get your own money! (puts arm around him) the dude has a bad heart (whispers in Quatre's ear) I need money for a new transmission.
Trowa: Oh stop it!!! Duo does have a point, we could use some money.
Wufei: Look Trowa, I found a costume shop!
(Trowa runs to the window and puts his hands on it)
Duo: Our Gundams are in the shop and we need something to do. (looks around, walks to a bar and sees sign that says :"MALE EXOTIC DANCERS WANTED NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED" Duo grins) Hey guys, I think I've found us a job!
Quatre: (backs away) I don't need a job, I'm already rich!
Duo: Come on, Quatre, this will be fun!
Wufei: This is injustice!! Duo, you're a weakling!
Trowa: (still looking through the window) Ooh, I wonder if they have that in my size…
Duo: Trowa, come here! I've found a much better costume shop!
Trowa: Where, where? (runs to him and Duo points to the sign. Trowa's mouth drops open) You've got to be kidding me!
Heero: Umm, maybe are gundams are all ready….
Duo: Guys, come on, we could really use the job.
Wufei: (sighs) Okay…I just hope they have something in white…
Heero: If I didn't need this job, I'd kill all of you.
(Duo opens the door and leads the others in. They are surrounded by flashy lights. Quatre tries to make a run for it, but a prostitute trips him and picks him up.)
Prostitute: (sliding her finger around his mouth) Where you going, honey?
Quatre: Well, I, ugh…
Trowa: (grabs Quatre) Leave my friend alone!! He's, he's underage and he doesn't have any money!!
Quatre: Trowa, actually I've still got some bucks…(blinks) Oh yeah, yeah, I'm actually out of money!!! Spent it all on this violin and now I'm here for the job! (slaps self and whispers to himself) Can't believe I said that!!
Duo: (talking to the manager) Hey, we're here for the job.
Manager (looking the boys over) All 5 of you? How old are you boys? Shouldn't you be in school?
Quatre: This is an after school job.
Duo: We're all 15, but Trowa here is 16.
Manager: Hmmm, well, I guess I can use some teenagers. It's hard to get good help these days and you kids are the future. And I do see some teenager girls some in some times. Okay, you're all hired.
(all are surprised and Heero whips out his empty gun and starts pulling the trigger)
Heero: I kill you…oh, darn. (looks at the barrel) I forgot it was empty..
Wufei: This is injustice!!! You weakling, how dare you…
Quatre: (gives Wufei a nudge) Wufei, we got the job.
Wufei: (blushes) oh, I mean, justice!! Yeah!
Manager: Welcome to the Excalibur, come this way please.
All pilots: (looking at each other) Excalibur? (they follow the manager)
(The Manager leads them to the backstage and dressing rooms, all stocked with tons of costumes and props) Manger: You can try on whatever you want. You can start (looks at his watch) nnnnnow!
Duo: I wouldn't suppose you have a scythe or a sign that says Shingami?
Manager: (raises eyebrow) Son, I'm not sure what you're thinking about, but we've got about everything in this place. Look around.
(The others are digging through boxes and closets to find something suitable for them)
Quatre: (picks up a G-string on accident) Oh gross!! (quickly drops it)
Duo: (looks at the fallen G-string) I dunno, Quatre, that was really you! (finds a pair of black tight jeans and see through top, pulls it to him) Hey guys, is this me??
Trowa: (turns around wearing a shiny mask) Nice shirt! Yeah, Duo, that's really you! Let me find a mask to go with it (starts digging through the boxes and stops at every exotic and surprising item) I used to have one like that, ooh..
Heero: (finds a green kimono) Hmmm, not bad. (His eyes sparkle when he sees a black spandex suit. It is sleeveless and it has a deep V-neck. The pants go down to his ankles) Oh wow! I've always wanted one of these!! (turns his head around for an unused dressing room, finds a place to change and runs to it, pulling the curtain)
Duo: (laughs) I didn't know Heero had such a good taste in clothes! (pulls out black leather pants and a leather vest and nylon gloves) Hey Quatre, I found something for you!!
Quatre: Let me see. (looks at the clothes and screams) I can't wear this!!
Duo: What'd you mean? It looks about your size. You're wearing a vest right now.
Trowa: Yeah, something else is missing. (picks out a red and black head band)
Quatre (swiping the headband) Thank you, Trowa. (sighs) Well, I suppose I can try it. (leaves to change)
Wufei: Duo, think you can find one like it in white?
(Heero walks from the dressing room with the kimono around him) Hey guys, what do you think? (opens the kimono up and all boys clap and tell him their comments.)
Duo (wolf whistle) I'd bet Relena would like to see you now!
(Trowa turns to the box and finds a band of empty bullets and fake guns. He pulls of his turtle neck and puts the band over his shoulder.)
Duo: What're you up to, Trowa?
Trowa: Well, I am the pilot of Heavyarms, I guess I should live up to the name! (looks around) but something is missing. Ah-ha! (finds camouflage pants) Any war paint here…hmm.
Wufei: There's nothing for me!! All these clothes and I've got nothing to wear! (kicks a box over and a white suit falls out) Yes!!
(Quatre returns) Man, these things give you quite a wedgie! (pulls at the pants)
Duo: Dang! Those Maguancs don't call you Master Quatre for nothing!
(Quatre smiles) Really? Do they look good on me? Do they make my B-U-T-T look too fat?
(all guys shake their heads and say no)
Trowa: Yes, I've got everything, pants, bullets, guns, ooh, boots! Bandana! (runs to the changing area)
(Duo and Wufei go to separate rooms to change and meet up again. They're all gawking at themselves and picking lint off. The manager comes in)
Manager: Oh, you boys look beautiful, beautiful!! Show time!
(The boys feel confident and walk to the stage. As the curtain opens, they all gasp! Relena, Hilde, Dorothy, all of Quatre's sisters, Trowa's sister, Sally, Noin, and every girl they know are in the audience!)
Hilde: Oh my gosh, is that Duo?? Ooh, he looks so good in that shirt!
Dorothy: Quatre? Oh you look so hot!! (girls look at each other) I can't believe it's them!!
(the boys look nervously at each other)
Trowa: I should've stayed in the circus! (covers his face in embarrassment)
Miss Noin: (looking at Sally) There's no stopping those boys…
Quatre: Heeero, what should we do?
Heero: Just do what we're hired to do (looks out at the audience and finds Relelna staring at him and he flashes her a shy smile. He stammers a bit and then says firmly)…DANCE!! (he rips of his kimono and throws it over Relena's head. She takes it off and gasps.)
(the music comes on and the boys start dancing, nervous and at sure at first. All the girls scream and try to jump up on stage. As they continue dancing, the music keeps moving t hem and makes them feel excited and confident and most of all EXOTIC)
Quatre: I never thought that exotic dancing could be so much fun! This is much more fun than playing my violin! (walks over toward Dorothy and frames her face with his finger.)
Dorothy: (sigh) Oh Quatre…Rabera…W--- (faints)
(Trowa does a front hand spring toward the front and jumps on the crowd. They all put their hands up and move him aroudn the audience and put him back to the stage. Relena steps forward and reaches her hand out. Heero takes her hand, kneels down and puts her hand on his chest. He kisses her and then steps back.)
Relena: (pulls the kimono to her chin) I knew he wasn't going to destroy me after all…(sigh)
Hilde: (gives Duo the thumbs-up sign) Lookin' good, Duo!!
(Duo grins, walks to the side of the stage, falls off and tries to get up)
Hidle: Duo! Are you all right? (knocks someone out of the way) Outta my way! Duo??
Duo: Hey, watch the hair, watch the hair! (pulls him self up while girls are tugging at his shirt and legs. Wufei offers a hand. Duo comes up, his shirt nearly torn to shreds. He shrugs and pulls the rest off and puts his hands on his hips. He carefully but seductivly struts toward Hilde and takes her hand to kiss it.)
Wufei: (crosses arms) now this is justice!!
(The song is about to end and the boys group together to make their last pose: Duo in the front laying on the side, propping his chin up with his fist and twirling his braid with his finger. Quatre standing behind Duo with his hands on his hips, looking over his shoulder. Trowa kneeling, beside Duo's feet, pointing his gun at the audience. He pulls the trigger and sprays water at the front row. Wufei, standing beside Quatre, his jacket flung over his shoulder and Heero sitting, next to Duo, one leg out and one bent. The song ends and the curtain drops after the boys blow kisses and roses and money is thrown on the stage.)
Duo: I told you this was going to be fun!
Quatre (wiping sweat off his forehead) It wasn't so bad, but I still got a wedgie!! (pulls at the pants again)
Manager: You boys were fantastic!! Magnificent! Never seen such beautiful work! bravo! Bravo! I think I'll give you a raise!
Quatre: You haven't even started paying us yet.
Manager: I've never seen the crowd so wild. Who are you guys anyway?
(each boy states their name)
Heero: We're gundam pilots.
Manager: (surprised) Gundam Pilots?? No way!
(all boys bow and walk away, arms around their shoulders, acting like they've won a million dollars, well, actually, they made a pretty large sum of money!)
Duo: Let's go grab a burger, all that dancing left me hungry!
Manager (watching boys leave): I don't care if their gundam pilots, I still think they make damn good dancers!