Mutually Assured Destruction
By: Firefury Amahira
Disclaimer: Once again, does my name LOOK like Butch Hartman? Nope? Good. So we're all clear on this, right? Firefury does not equate to Butch, therefore Firefury does not own Danny Phantom, nor is she making money off this.
Author's Note: Yeah... I kinda had another "snap" moment, this time while working on Chapter 5 of Anathema. While this is technically a sequel to my first Mary Sue parody, Desperate Measures, it's not necessary to have read it to be amused by this one. Reviews and/or flames are appreciated!
She was proud. Battered, scarred, and sporked, but proud. Her name was Stephanie Amahira, and she was a Mary Sue. A very disgruntled and unwilling Mary Sue, but she had triumphed; taking a direct sporking from the PhantomSues blog in the name of good fanfiction. She considered the three parallel grooves cut into her cheek, the mark of the three-pronged spork, as a badge of honor, not the mark of shame it usually denoted on other Mary Sues. She had fought her author tooth and nail, and had resorted to desperate measures to avoid being a published Mary Sue. She had won, the author had dropped the story.
Her author was displeased with this, needless to say. And few things in any fandom are more terrifying than a fanfiction writer with an axe to grind. Heck, any author with an axe to grind; if one considers the Ghostwriter as an example of why you don't want to piss off somebody who's packing weapons of mass description. Luckily for Stephanie however, her author didn't have a penchant for rhyming dialogue.
Unluckily for the disgruntled Sue however, her author had plans. Yes, plans! And they were very evil plans, chock-full of ungoodness, dishappiness, and the ability to create new words to irritate grammar and spelling nazis the Internet over. Thus, when Stephanie found herself waking up on a rooftop across the street from FentonWorks, she realized the battle had been won, but the war was far from over.
"Oh man, not this again!" The brunette grumbled, getting to her feet and peering at the street below. "What are you going to try this time? Am I going to magically be some long-lost relative of Danny's? Some new pawn of Vlad's?"
As expected, there was no response from the author. Stephanie's gaze was drawn to the front stoop of Danny's home, where the half-ghost in question himself was just departing, presumably for school. That's when she saw it, a strange whirling vortex in the air above the young hero, a gateway to who-knew-where. A female-sounding shriek could be faintly heard, the sound growing louder as whoever it was came closer to falling from the portal.
Stephanie cursed most soundly, recognizing the ploy. "Oh no you don't, author! No portal plot devices, damnit!"
She quickly transformed, silently grateful her author hadn't revoked her ghost powers, and flew quickly toward the vortex. Danny remained thankfully oblivious several dozen feet below as the blue-spandex clad Sue intercepted the person falling through the portal. Stephanie caught the girl easily, pouring on the speed to get the girl away from Danny before he could take notice of anything unusual going on. The portal wheeled shut, its purpose served.
Stephanie took a moment to study the girl she had rescued. (Or thwarted, depending on how you look at it.) Long, wavy blonde hair was tied back into a loose ponytail, and the girl finally opened her stunningly blue eyes. Her initial reaction to being carried through the air by a ghost Sue was surprise. Her second was anger.
"You saved me-! Hey! You're not Danny!" The blonde girl complained. Stephanie cringed, the newcomer had a horribly annoying way of whining. "Put me down!"
Stephanie touched down on a rooftop and set the girl back on her feet while surveying the pouting teen. "Okay, who the heck are you?"
"I'm Cytheria Pyrite." The blonde retorted. "I'm supposed to be from the real world. Since a certain OTHER character made the author mad."
Stephanie stopped dead in her tracks, gaping at the girl. "Wait, real world? As in real Earth? Author's Earth?"
"You got it!" Cytheria beamed. "And I'm a total Danny Phantom fan. So if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go have my wacky misadventures with that cutie!"
Stephanie blocked the newcomer's route to the stairs. "You're an Earth!Sue!" She demanded.
"Earth!Sue is such a harsh term... but yeah, I guess so. What are you gonna do about it?" Cytheria challenged the Halfa!Sue.
This was bad, Stephanie knew it for a fact. Her author made a new Mary Sue? One who was more likely to obey orders and violate the canon continuity of the show? How much of her own Sue powers did she still have? Stephanie was her author's favorite means of satisfying those self-insert urges, generally in ways that were harmless to the greater fandom since she had only very recently been introduced to the Internet. Was she being replaced?
"Look, don't you realize how wrong this is?" Stephanie decided to try being diplomatic with the blonde. "Do you really want to wreck havoc with the Danny Phantom universe? If you're really a fan of the show, you'll help me fight the author."
Cytheria looked the Halfa!Sue over with a critical eye. "I want ghost powers, too!" She whined, apparently taking stock of Stephanie's current blue attire and glowing yellow eyes. "And I'm going to get them! And have lots of fun!"
The blonde tried to push her way past Stephanie, but the blue-haired half-ghost refused to budge. "I won't let the author get away with this."
Cytheria crossed her arms and glowered at the Halfa!Sue. "Do you really think you can stop me?"
Stephanie didn't respond, merely forming a red sphere in one hand, a potent ecto-beam ready to fry the Earth!Sue where she stood. "Hello, I'm the half-ghost Sue here, you're just a random fangirl Sue with no powers, remember?"
Cytheria smirked at the danger, unfazed by the threat of painful ecto-annihilation. "And I'm the random fangirl with the author on my side."
"What-?" Stephanie was interrupted from her query by a salvo of missiles slamming into her from somewhere to her left. The explosions did little to actually harm her, but they did send the blue-clad ghost girl flying off the rooftop before she took control of her flight path. "NOW what?"
She spun to face her attacker, only to be staring down the business end of a large ecto-gun. While thusly distracted, Cytheria giggled and slipped away to pursue her ambitions.
"You stupid ghosts think you can just run all over people, don't you?" Valerie Grey accused the Halfa!Sue, some sort of rocket launcher leveled at Stephanie.
"Oh hell." Stephanie muttered. She'd hoped to avoid the canon characters and thereby reduce the impact of her Sue power. In theory, being sporked should have brought the author to a halt entirely. "Look, it's not what it looked like, that girl is a threat to you and everyone else in this city!"
"You think I'm gonna believe a ghost?" Valerie retorted. "After I saw you about to blast some innocent kid?"
Stephanie contemplated her options. Escape was definitely the most immediate priority. Then she had to find Cytheria and stop the Earth!Sue from contaminating the characters and everything else. All while trying not to be a Sue herself, since she hated the idea so terribly.
"Look, I'm not here to fight, and I've got more important things to attend to. You'll thank me later." Stephanie quipped as she turned invisible and intangible and took off, swiftly loosing Valerie. "If I was an Earth!Sue, where would I go?"
Cytheria said she wanted ghost powers... which means either FentonWorks or Wisconsin... Stephanie cringed, recalling what the author had been about to do to Vlad Masters on her last trip there. She looked to be about Danny's age, so I doubt the author wants her to go see Vlad, which just leaves FentonWorks. Great.
The Halfa!Sue changed course and headed back to the rooftop she'd first seen the girl from. She could keep watch for the Earth!Sue that way, and hopefully prevent the blonde from getting anywhere near the ghost portal. Of course, it couldn't be that easy, not in the least!
Contrary to what she'd told the Halfa!Sue, Cytheria made tracks for Casper High once she was certain that Stephanie thrown off her tail. Sure, she wanted ghost powers too, but that wasn't a priority. She wanted to meet Danny and Sam and Tucker and get cozy with the trio of friends. A little Sue luck, and she was walking into Mr. Lancer's classroom behind the out of shape teacher with barely restrained delight.
"Class, we have a new student joining us from..." Lancer glanced at the perky blonde. "...Los Angeles?"
"Hiiiii!" Cytheria beamed, earning several baffled looks from the otherwise bored students. "I'm Cytheria Pyrite, and ohmigodit'sreallyDanny!"
The Earth!Sue squealed with delight and pounced the understandably startled half-ghost, who yelped at some new girl knowing his name and apparently adoring him. Sam narrowed her eyes warily at the display while Danny extricated himself from the blonde's arms.
"You know me?" Danny finally squeaked, well aware of the baffled looks everyone else in the room was giving the pair.
"Well, Miss Pyrite, since you and Mister Fenton seem to know each other, you can sit next to him." Mr. Lancer declared dryly.
The Earth!Sue nodded and plopped down in the desk next to Danny while the teacher began the day's lecture, on the subject of proper characterization in creative writing ironically enough. Danny tried to ignore the girl who kept waving and grinning at him, while Sam just looked increasingly irate.
Meanwhile, Stephanie was getting anxious. There was a quiet tension in the air, a foreboding ambience that was driving the Halfa!Sue nuts. It had been hours, and not a trace of the Earth!Sue. She didn't like the thought, but if the author was siding with Cytheria, all she had to combat the blonde with was her own Sue powers. She couldn't use her Sue-granted ghost powers to waste the girl, "random" chance meant something or someone would intervene on the Earth!Sue's behalf like Valerie had earlier in the day.
"Where is that little Earth!Sue, anyway?" Stephanie griped from her rooftop vantage. "And more importantly, how am I going to stop her from contaminating the canon-? It'd be just my luck that if I attack her, Danny will come rushing to the rescue or some nonsense like that."
She glanced at her reflection in a puddle of water, the spork-scar giving her an idea. "Oh, hello duh! I just have to get online and report this atrocity to PhantomSues like last time!"
Inspired, she flew to the nearest internet cafe and turned back to normal in the restroom. It would be such a simple solution, Sueicide by sporking! She quickly directed the baleful eye of a generic search engine to a forum the mistress of PhantomSues frequented. The Halfa!Sue's hopes diminished when she was told it didn't exist. The author had cut her off from being able to break the Fourth Wall so bluntly. She had no way to directly bring the ire of the Ghost Master down on her author. She had to hope some reader had the good taste enough to report it for her while she tried to stop the Earth!Sue herself.
"Great, first I need to find-" Stephanie muttered to herself, her griping brought to a halt when a group of students walked into the café.
"Thanks for inviting me to hang out with you guys, I mean, I'm new here and stuff, but it's great to know there are nice people here!" Cytheria babbled happily, a firm grip on Danny's arm.
"Because we had so much choice in the matter." Sam remarked, irritation clear in her tone about the antics of the perky blonde.
"Not to mention it'd take a crowbar to pry you off Danny." Tucker added. "Man, there's plenty other stylish, attractive, cool guys here!"
Cytheria ignored the techno-geek's bad come-on, her chipper mood dropping slightly when she locked eyes with the brunette Halfa!Sue across the rows of computers. Two pairs of blue eyes narrowed as the two Mary Sues regarded each other coldly. The three canon characters didn't notice when the Earth!Sue mouthed a firm "Back off." at the Halfa!Sue. Nor did they see the Halfa!Sue's impolite hand gesture informing the Earth!Sue what she could do of a sexual nature.
"Hey, Danny?" Cytheria turned her attention back to the unfortunate teen hero. "Wanna play some video games? I totally love DOOMED!"
"Uh, sure." Danny winced. "If you'll just let go of my arm!"
The Earth!Sue squealed with delight and released Danny, pouncing the nearest empty computer chair and fussing with the machine. With a sigh of relief, Danny worked his sore shoulder before claiming a computer of his own, as did Sam and Tucker.
"We should probably warn you, Cytheria." Tucker boasted. "Danny and I are really good at DOOMED!"
A pointed look from Sam made him reassess his statement. "And.. uh… so's Sam. She's really good."
Stephanie got up and crept away, plotting her options. She had to stop Cytheria before the Earth!Sue could do any more damage. But a direct assault wouldn't work. She had to outsmart the cocky blonde. An idea hit her while she hid in the bathroom to transform. The Sue had to have some sort of weird stupid flaw that normally wouldn't be a flaw. A spork!
Invisible and intangible, Stephanie flew to a nearby eating establishment, grinning wickedly as she raided the supply of plastic kitchenware. "This had better work." The Halfa!Sue whispered to no one as she flew back to the internet café, where the four teens were thoroughly engaged in an intense round of virtual combat.
"Yay! I win again!" Cytheria crowed, earning confused looks from the three canon characters.
"I don't get it." Tucker frowned. "You said you didn't play much."
"I guess I'm just a natural-" Cytheria beamed right before a floating piece of white plastic stabbed down from above, barely missing the girl's face. "KIIIYA! SPORK!"
Danny gasped, his ghost sense indicating the presence of a ghost, likely the culprit of the spork attack. Cytheria jumped him in a panic, nearly knocking the half-ghost to the floor and pointing wildly at the floating spork. "Ohmigod! Kill it! Kill it! Protect me, Danny! EEP!"
Stephanie couldn't help but raise an invisible eyebrow at the Earth!Sue's panic response to the spork she was holding. She hadn't expected Cytheria to have a full-blown phobia of sporks. The Halfa!Sue resisted the urge to make "Boooo!" noises while she continued to invisibly menace the Earth!Sue with the eating utensil.
"A ghostly spork-?" Sam watched the debacle with a sort of bored confusion.
"What am I supposed to do?" Danny protested, trying to pry Cytheria off. "Run!"
With Tucker's help, Danny got the blonde to let go. While the seemingly disembodied spork continued to chase Cytheria around, Danny slipped away to go ghost. To the amusement of Danny's two best friends, the ghost-powered spork seemed actually quite harmless, feigning stabs only at Cytheria. Heck, it even seemed to be taking great care to avoid the two canon characters as it chased the terrified blonde around.
"Shouldn't you be at the school cafeteria jammed into something that might be edible?" Danny Phantom flew through a nearby wall and punched the flying piece of plastic to the floor.
"Ow!" Stephanie yelped, invisibly colliding with the pale-haired half-ghost. Danny was equally surprised, not having expected a human-sized entity backing the flying spork.
"What the-?" He looked around, trying to figure out where the ghost was hiding.
Stephanie mouthed some choice phrases. She didn't want to fight Danny. For one, he was a cool guy, while she was just an overpowered Halfa!Sue. She decided it was now or never, and grabbed the frightening Earth!Sue, who immediately raised the alarm as the blonde found herself being hauled off by some unseen person.
"Cytheria-!" Danny yelped, giving chase.
Stephanie growled and put on the speed, turning her captive intangible as she scrambled to put lots of distance between her and Amity Park's most famous ghost. She even reluctantly tapped into her Mary Sue abilities to warp canon. Getting the Earth!Sue out of the picture took a priority. In moments, Stephanie heard the sounds of a dogfight somewhere behind her.
"It worked!" The Halfa!Sue crowed.
"What did you do?" Cytheria demanded angrily, squirming and trying to get loose from the blue-haired half-ghost.
"The same thing you did earlier!" Stephanie gloated. "Valerie just happened to see the ghost-kid and went after him!"
"You think you've won?" The Earth!Sue growled. "I just have to- HEY!"
By now the pair were above the Nasty Burger. Stephanie fired a large red ecto-blast down at the building, blowing a hole in the ceiling. "I won't let either of us contaminate the canon material! I don't want to be a Mary Sue, and I won't let some half-baked Earth!Sue ruin things, either!"
"Are you nuts!" Cytheria yelped as the Halfa!Sue charged an red aura of ecto-energy around the two of them. People fled the Nasty Burger screaming when the explosion tore a hole in the roof. They had become quite well-conditioned to running like mad from the distinctive signs of a ghost attack, and few things were more distinctive of such than a strange explosion.
"It should only hurt for a second!" Stephanie declared with a maniac laugh. "You aren't the only fan. You've seen The Ultimate Enemy, right?"
The Earth!Sue's eyes widened in shock as she looked where the Halfa!Sue was flying. A kamikaze flight path aimed right at those large sauce storage tanks. "You can't be serious! You'll destroy us both!"
"It'll be worth it!" Stephanie countered, delighted in her insane course of action. "A double Sueicide, all in a spectacular blast of burger sauce!"
"You can't honestly want to get yourself killed!" Cytheria protested, her squirming more desperate as the Halfa!Sue closed in on the sauce tanks at well over a hundred miles per hour.
"Nah, not really." Stephanie admitted. "But if it means taking you out, so be it!"
The last few seconds were filled with the Halfa!Sue's psychotic laughter and the Earth!Sue's paniced shouting. Both had their Sue powers in full effect, trying to force the situation one way or the other. In this case, Cytheria was outmaneuvered by the older Halfa!Sue. Sure, the Earth!Sue had the author on her side, and had a greater ability to warp canon; but Stephanie had been the author's Mary Sue literally for years, and she had all the experience to put her Sue powers to their best effect in blocking Cytheria's efforts.
The explosion could be heard for miles when the two Sues slammed into the tanks, the pressurized Nasty Sauce decompressing and igniting from the Halfa!Sue's energy aura. As the smoke rolled almost lazily into the sky from the smoldering crater, there was only silence.
It was a double Sueicide.