Family Guy

Meg and the Fatman

(Opening credits. Brian is watching TV.)

TV Announcer: We now return………..to "The OC".

Marissa:(shooting with a gun): Now who's the "BLEEP"!

Ryan: Did you just get bleeped for saying bitch?

Trey: Yeah, what's up with that?

Marissa: I'm scared.

Brian: I hate reruns…..

(Brian turns the TV off when Stewie runs in, happily.)

Stewie: I've taken over Japan and Vietnam! Yes! Yes! Go Stewie, go!

Brian: Wait, how could you take over two Asian countries when you can barely take control of the hand the feeds you Butterfingers!

(Brian holds up a "Butterfinger" candy car.)

Stewie: DON'T LAY A FINGER ON MY BUTTERFINGER!

(Stewie quickly snatches the "Butterfinger" and gobbles it all up.)

Stewie: That glorious moment reminded me of how I took over Japan and Vietnam!

(Flashback. Cut to Stewie at a poker table with the Japan and Vietnam presidents.)

Japanese President: I take one cent and raise the whole of Japan Stewie.

Vietnamese President: Are you sure about that?

Stewie: Of course he is, let's play!

(Japanese President lays out his card.)

Japanese President: Read 'em and weep. Seven aces.

Stewie: Royal flush.

(Stewie lays out his cards as the Japanese President runs off crying.)

Vietnamese President: I suppose we're allies now, maybe?

Stewie: Not a chance.

(Stewie grabs his ray-gun and vaporizes the Vietnamese President.)

Stewie: Go Stewie, go Stewie………it's my birthday; it's my birthday, oh yeah!

(Present.)

Stewie: Bush's going to be furious when they don't arrive for the International Peace Ceremony, which they came here for.

Brian: Okay……..how did you get in the poker match?

Stewie: I saw them one time and I said I was the President of Spain.

(Meg runs to through the door to the kitchen where she takes a seat crying.)

Lois: Meg, what's wrong?

Peter: Lois, everything's wrong with her, you know, the glasses, her hair, the….the, her condom hat, she………..she looks like a midget, you know….and what's up with that growing hair-pile growing out of her head.

Lois: That's her hair!

Peter: Right, right….

(Meg cries even longer.)

Lois: Peter, you made it worse!

Peter: When she was born, she made our whole lives worse!

(Meg runs upstairs, still crying.)

Lois: Now, look what you done, you made things worse just like the time you sold your brain!

(Flashback. Cut to Peter watching TV, with stitches on his forehead, drooling when Brian walks in.)

Brian: So, how are you going Peter?

(Pause. Peter drools.)

Brian: Watching……….watching, uh……."Courting Alex" huh?

(Pause. Peter giggles.)

Brian: Oh my God, you laughed!

(Present. Meg is crying while lying on her bed when Lois walks up.)

Lois: Meg, what's wrong?

Meg: Today, at school………Connie DiMacio asked me to hang out with the cool kids after my friends abandoned me; we were hanging out in the beach….

(Flashback. Cut to Meg, Connie and the other kids in the beach.)

Connie: So, wanna swim in the ocean?

Meg: I didn't bring my bathing suit….

Connie: It doesn't matter!

Meg: Okay!

(Meg jumps in the water, and quickly jumps out.)

Meg: I got all my clothes wet; my parents will kill me…….

Connie: You can get changed in the changing room at the back.

Meg: Thanks….

(Connie gives Meg some clothes when she runs off to the beach house when Connie and the rest sneak up and push the changing room over and when Meg covers up with a towel when they grab cameras and take photos of her. Cut to the present.)

Lois: Oh sweetheart……….you'll be better in the morning…….

(Peter walks in.)

Meg: I don't want to talk to you Dad.

Peter: No honey, I'm sorry………….I'm sorry that and I'm sorry that I (talking very fast) took nude photos of you while you were in the shower so I can sell it to Neil Goldman so he could trade me his cable TV….

Meg: YOU DID WHAT!

Peter:(talking very fast still): And I think recently he put it on a website…….

Meg: I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU!

Peter: It wasn't easy………….I mean, I vomited three times before I took a good picture, you were that ugly!

(Meg cries even more.)

Lois: Peter, I think you've done enough….

(Lois ushers Peter out.)

Peter: But….

(Lois slams the door in Peter's face. Cut to Stewie's room on his hi-tech computer from my other fanfic "Alien Overload" with Rupert laying on his lap.)

Stewie: Yes, Rupert……..my plans of dominating the world are slowly taking place……….first Japan and Vietnam……….then the world! But I can't control them from these United States, I must build a robot version of me to watch over them…….

(Pause.)

Stewie: Rupert, you can't have second thoughts! I'll sing that song that drives you literally insane (standing up, singing and dancing) Come on baby, we ain't gonna live forever……let me show you all the things we could, yeah, yeah…….let me show things can't last forever!

(Cut to the lounge. Meg is watching TV when Peter steps in.)

Peter: Hey Meg….

(Pause.)

Peter: How's it going?

(Pause.)

Peter: Watching "Who's the Boss?"

Meg:(mumbling): It's the episode were Tony goes in a charity boxing match.

Peter: Is, that um…………is that your favorite episode?

Meg: Yeah……..

Peter: Cool. You know, that's my favorite episode as well.

Meg: Really?

Peter: Yeah……….yeah, well………..my favorite bit where Angela was staring Tony down!

Meg: Well………that's my favorite bit too, have you seen the episode of "Who's the Boss" where Tony decides to live up in a billboard to raise money for some books?

Peter: I've seen all the episodes!

Meg: Me too.

Peter: Have you seen "That '70s Show" when they had that bit where Kelso was like that guy from "I Dream of Jeannie" and Jackie was "Jeannie".

Meg: Oh yeah, Jackie's my favorite character!

Peter: No way.

Meg: Yes way.

Peter: We have so many things in common Meg……….I swear we could be brothers.

(Long pause as Meg stares at Peter.)

Peter: I mean brother and sister.

(Cut to Stewie up in his room making his Stewie robot as Brian looks on.)

Stewie: There we are, that's the Stewie robot………I swear, we could get our own show doing this kind of stuff, like the guys off "American Chopper".

(Cutaway. Cut to Brian wearing Paul Tietel Snr. and Stewie as Paul Tietel Jnr.)

Brian: We've got to get this robot gone as soon as we can.

Stewie: Yeah well, I need to do the fender.

Brian: What the "bleep"?

Stewie: Yeah……….yeah "bleep".

Brian: What the "bleep" do you mean fender this is a robot!

Stewie: I "bleep"ing knew that, okay!

(Cut back to the present.)

Stewie: Okay my Stewiebot, like the Gods!

Stewiebot: What the deuce?

Stewie: Yes, yes……..that's right.

Stewiebot: Must rule Japan and Vietnam…

(Stewiebot trails off. Cut to the kitchen.)

Peter: Okay………..three, two……….one!

Meg: Banana!

Peter: Banana! Hahahahaha, you said "banana".

Meg: So did you.

Peter: Oh did I now, hahahahaha, I said "banana".

Meg: You sure did!

(Peter and Meg laugh.)

Lois: Isn't that nice, Peter and Meg spending some time together…….maybe we should spend some time together Chris.

(Chris leans closer.)

Chris: REALLY!

Lois: Not that type of "togetherness".

Chris: Oh.

(Commercial break. Cut to Stewie's room.)

Stewie: Second phase of my plan is to build security cameras into Japan and Vietnam to spy on the goings on and also control that way and use my Stewiebot to convey what I'm saying and doing……….I'm going to cause……..WORLD CHAOS!

(Stewie laughs evilly as dramatic music starts up and abruptly stops.)

Lois:(V.O) Dinner's ready!

Stewie: Blast, I don't think Hitler had to go through all of this when he conquered Germany.

(Cutaway. Cut to Hitler with binoculars spying out in the window.)

Hitler: Success, the gas chambers are working like the Jews are in my concentration camps! Hahahhahahaha! And when I get rid of all the inferior Jews and other inferior people I'll get my super Aryan race up and running to full power! MUHAHAHAHAAHA!

(Hitler's Mother walks in.)

Hitler's Mother: ARE YOU PLANNING WAR AND TERMINATION ON OTHER PEOPLE MISTER!

Hitler: Mom, what are you doing here!

Hitler's Mother: You're grounded Adolph!

Hitler: Oh man……….I'll kill you, you know.

Hitler's Mother: MARCH!

(Hitler walks to his room, looking at his feet. Cut back to the present. Meg and Peter are driving a boat around the house when Lois walks out.)

Meg: DID YOU SEE THE EPISODE OF MASH WHERE THEY MADE THAT MOVIE "YANKEE DOODLE DOCTOR"?

Peter: YEAH! THAT EPISODE WAS FREAKIN' SWEET!

Lois: Peter!

(Peter stops the boat.)

Peter: What?

Lois: It's dinner time and you're driving a boat around the house!

Peter: Yeah well, it's no worse then when Chris pretended to be handicapped.

(Flashback. Chris rolls in the lounge in a wheelchair.)

Chris: I fell off a cliff outside some port-a-potty and my legs got hurt real bad so Mr. Swanson gave him his extra wheelchair.

Peter: Chris, making fun of handicapped people is wrong!

Chris: But Dad, I really did……

(Peter kicks Chris off his wheelchair as Chris screams.)

Lois: Peter, do you reckon you sho….

Peter: Chris should learn not to make sick jokes about people less fortunate then us!

Chris: BUT….

Peter: March up to your room, mister.

Chris: My legs are really hur….

Peter: YOU CAN CRAWL UP THERE FOR ALL I CARE!

(Chris starts crawling.)

Peter: It's all about discipline Lois, repetition and discipline is the key.

(Present. Cut back outside.)

Lois: I know you two are having fun but you need to have restrictions of what you do around the house, now c'mon your dinner's getting cold.

(Lois walks in and Peter and Meg hop out the boat and walk into.)

Peter: Oh man, this sucks.

Meg: I know.

Peter: I wish Lois wasn't around here so we can hang out and stuff.

Meg: Yeah.

Peter: There's always………murder.

(Peter laughs as Meg stares.)

Meg: You're going to kill Mom?

Peter: I never said that………..I said I'll kill Chris.

Meg: ………..oh.

(Peter & Meg walk inside. Cut to Stewie's room as he is spying on the Whitehouse.)

Stewie: Okay, here's the transmission….

(Brian walks up to his room.)

Brian: Lois sent me up to get you down for desert, what's going on?

Stewie: Stewiebot's at the Whitehouse and I'm spying on the going-ons.

George W. Bush:(on screen) What happened to the Japanese and Vietnamese presidents go?

Stewie:(to speaker) They suddenly died.

George W. Bush: (on screen) Oh really, okay.

Brian: You can't keep up this charade forever, you know.

Stewie: Well, even if it does backfire, it'll probably be better then time I was guest host on the "Jerry Springer" show.

(Flashback. Cut to Stewie with the audience on the "Jerry Springer" set.)

Stewie: Our next guest is Barbie…

(Cut to a life-sized Barbie doll in a chair.)

Stewie: ………..and she's cheating on her boyfriend Ken.

Audience: Oooooh.

Stewie: Barbie, what's going on?

Barbie: Jerry, I'm sick of my man Ken bitch-slapping me like I was his penis, I found a man who can treat me right, Jerry.

Stewie: Let's send him out, Ken.

(Ken runs out angrily.)

Ken: How dare you (bleep)ing cheat on me!

Barbie: I FOUND A MAN WHO CAN TREAT ME RIGHT, KEN!

Ken: You're a whore……..a…..a……..a stone cold slut!

Barbie: Yeah, well he has sex with me so (bleep)ing fine that I….

(Barbie stands up.)

Audience: SIT DOWN WHORE! SIT DOWN WHORE! SIT DOWN WHORE!

(Barbie flips them off.)

Barbie: (bleep) you! You're just jealous because I've got these (points to breasts then flashes)

Ken: DON'T YOU SHOW THEM THAT YOU SLUT!

Audience: JERRY! JERRY! JERRY! JERRY! JERRY!

Stewie: Stewie! Stewie! Stewie! Stewie!

(Pause, one audience member stands up.)

Audience Member: HIS NOT JERRY!

(The audience boos as Stewie ducks and crawls off. Present, cut to the kitchen.)

Lois: So……..how was everyone's day?

Chris: Good….

Peter: SHUT UP CHRIS, NO ONE WAS TALKING TO YOU! Me and Meg's day was great, Lois.

Meg: Yeah, we met the Simpsons.

(Flashback. Cut to Peter and Meg walking up to Homer and Marge in KKK outfits.)

Homer: You haven't seen any black people have you?

Meg: Uh…….no.

Peter: Cleveland's black, he lives on 28 Spooner Street.

Marge: Thank you.

Homer: Marge, I'm losing a bit of yellow paint……..wait, is Cleveland rich and has a gold house?

Peter: No.

Homer: Don't worry about the paint then, Marge.

(Present.)

Lois: That's wonderful.

Peter: Wait a moment.

(Peter takes off Meg's condom hat and puts it on Chris.)

Peter: Chris shall be the new Meg.

(Everyone laughs as Chris looks on angrily.)

Chris: Yeah, Mom, Dad, Meg……..Stewie and Brian wherever they are………shut up.

Meg: Are we on for the swimming pool tomorrow Dad?

Peter: Sure honey, I'm so pumped……..I haven't gone swimming since I was in that porno movie.

(Flashback. Cut to woman in the swimming pool, naked……..but blurred making out with a naked (but blurred) male when Peter is in his trunks on the diving board.)

Peter: Jahrunningmo!

(Peter jumps in and makes a huge splash. Present, Stewie's in his room pacing with his teddy bear Rupert lying on a red seat.)

Stewie: I've ordered the army to build the nuclear missile and the plan to launch on the United States is in full place, hopefully they do it right this time.

(Cut to Brian being tied up in yellow chair.)

Brian: Why are you keeping me hostage in my own house?

Stewie: My room isn't your own house okay, pal………also I've kept you so you won't blab to Lois and the fatman.

Brian: I won't blab!

Stewie: How would I know you won't………huh?

Brian: Um…………uh……….um………I won't?

(Stewie walks up to Brian and slaps him and notices a water-cooler next to Brian.)

Stewie: What's this………..a water-cooler?

Brian: Don't look in there, it has wine in there and….

(Stewie opens it up and grabs a martini out.)

Stewie: You have a martini in your water-cooler?

Brian: Yeah, so?

Stewie: That's dumb, that's even dumber than that Space Ghost roast.

(Cutaway. Cut to the Space Ghost Coast to Coast set.)

Tansut: (V.O) Welcome to Space Ghost Coast to Coast, Roast to Roast.

(Space Ghost invisos in.)

Space Ghost: Greetings, I'm Space Ghost.

Zorak: Question………..are you a ghost like that ghost from Casper?

Space Ghost: The ghost from Casper………..I'm uh…..a……uh Space Ghost.

Moltar: Could you fly through walls and scare people.

Zorak: That'll rule!

Moltar: Yeah.

Space Ghost: Uh, no.

Zorak: Why would some ghost………in space………..go around saving the planet.

Moltar: I'd like……..go off and scare some emperor or something.

Zorak: That'll rule!

Space Ghost: I'll tell you the truth……..I'm uh……….actually alive.

Zorak: Really?

Space Ghost: Yes Zorak.

Moltar: Really?

Space Ghost: Yes Moltar………….I'm just poser dead while………while……..Brak's the real deal.

Zorak: Brak's a ghost.

Moltar: Does he fly around scaring people.

Zorak: I want to be a ghost, kill me!

Moltar: No kill me!

Zorak: I want to scare Space Ghost when I'm dead.

Moltar: So do I!

Zorak: We can't be both dead, you molten idiot!

Moltar: Shut up!

Zorak: I got an idea…….Brak shall scare Space Ghost.

Space Ghost: This is the worst roasting ever.

(Present. Stewie drinks the martini.)

Stewie: Whoa…….you know what it's time for, doesn't matter it's the wrong time with the hostage crisis and all but…………it's time for a sexy party!

(Stewie rips off his normal attire to reveal a sailor suit as he runs around to Benny Hil-esque music with seven scantly-clad dressed women. Cut to Meg walking up to the swimming pool wearing her bathing suit.)

Meg: Okay…………Dad said he'll be here………where could he be? And……..how did I get here again?

(Cut to "The Drunken Clam", inside Peter's sitting with Brian, Cleveland, Joe and Quagmire.)

Peter: Oh man, look what time it is I promised Meg I'll go swimming today.

Quagmire: Nah Peter, I'll take Meg……you……you stay here.

Peter: You're going to get her drunk and have your way with her aren't you?

Quagmire: AAAH! You got me!

Peter: Nah, seriously……I need to go.

Cleveland: C'mon Peter, the drinking contest is just about to start.

Peter: I'll suppose I'll just stay here for 5 more minutes. Meg can wait.

Brian: You should go now, you're really bad at making decisions…….remember when you decided you were going to be the narrator on "Arrested Development".

(Flashback. Cut to Peter in a recording booth.)

Peter: This is a story about the Blu………is that meant to be Bluths or…..uh, is that meant to be Blue Man Group.

Director: (V.O) Just stick to the script.

Peter: I'm just wondering because you know…

Director: (V.O) What's wrong with the script?

Peter: Nothing, it's classic, it's hilarious……….but, you know……….I just don't know if people would say "Bluth" they'll probably skip to the conclusion that……it's the Blue Man Group…..because of the "blu" sound you know.

(Ron Howard pushes Peter out of the way.)

Ron Howard: Out the way, I'll be the narrator.

Peter: Can I like narrate what they're all thinking like they did for Buck the dog in the later years of "Married……with Children"?

(Pause.)

Ron Howard: No.

(Present. Cut to Meg waiting in the swimming pool.)

Meg: Where could Dad be, we agreed on at like, 2'o'clock………this is soooo boring just waiting for him, the waiting is even worse then the time I had my own sitcom.

(Flashback. Cut to Meg walking in a room with a title screen reading: "The Meg Griffin Show".)

Announcer: It's the Meg Griffin show, starring Meg Griffin, The Meg Griffin show is filmed in front of directing people with their laugh tracks.

Meg: Well, I'm home. Plain old me, Meg Griffin.

(Canned laughter as a blonde guy walks in.)

Blonde Guy: Hey, it's Meg Griffin, how are you going Meg Griffin?

Meg: I'm fine, I'm fine……….I'm fine, like Meg Griffin, because that's who I am…..Meg Griffin.

(Canned laughter and applause.)

Meg: Uh……..we have run out of material?

Director: (V.O) Just do something annoying.

Meg: Like say Meg Griffin all the time, it's annoying but the audience will find it funny………no that wouldn't all right! Saying Meg Griffin all the time doesn't provoke laughs!

(Pause.)

Director:(V.O) It does if you're my daughter.

(Present. Cut to Peter on-top of the table drunk at The Drunken Clam.)

Peter: This is awesome being drunk!

Brian: Peter, you're drunk………..and also maybe it's time to like um, spend time with Meg?

Peter: It doesn't matter, Meg will be fine with it……………who's Meg?

Brian: You're drunk, get down before you hurt someone!

Peter: You kidding, this is more awesome then that episode of "Sealab 2021".

(Cutaway. Cut to a posh British man standing next to Debbie and Quinn.)

British Man: I shall teach Ms. Debbie Dupree, to walk, talk…..sit, stand and act like a lady.

Debbie: Let's do it!

(Debbie rips her swimsuit and jumps on British Man as Quinn looks on shocked. Present.)

Peter: Meg will be fine with it, no biggie…………..I'll just tell her that uh, something came up.

(Cut back to Meg waiting at the swimming pool.)

Meg: Dad forgot………….he forgot, just like that………

(Meg starts crying in her hands as Debbie Dupree (still naked) tackles Meg. Cut to commercial. Act 3. Cut to Stewie pacing around Brian in his room.)

Stewie: Isn't it ironic………I always thought you'd die this way……in my hands.

Brian: No you didn't.

Stewie: Yeah, I thought you were going to eat chocolate and die like that, but hey…….it doesn't matter now……

Lois: STEWIE! BATH-TIME!

Stewie: Blast! After I'm finished on my "date" with the rubber duck, you're history!

(Stewie runs off.)

Brian: Okay, time to set himself free.

(Brian hops his chair to the phone.)

Brian: Is this some play-phone or the real deal.

(Brian gets the receiver by putting it in his mouth and swings it to his ear and rests it down on his neck.)

Brian: This is the real deal………..when did Stewie got a phone?

(Brian dials 911 with his tongue.)

Police Officer: (V.O) Hello, 911.

Brian: I'm being taken hostage!

Police Officer: (V.O) Please state your address.

Brian: 31 Spooner Street.

Police Officer: (V.O) We'll be right there, sir……….this better not be a prank.

Brian: You kidding, I haven't pranked anyone since I was doing that British prank show.

(Flashback. Cut to Brian in the red carpet as Tom Cruise walks on the red carpet with Katie Holmes.)

Brian: Hey Tom! Tom!

Tom Cruise: Ya.

Brian: Is it true your homosexual and only going out with Katie Holmes for the publicity, is it true Scientology is a religion-sex cult like that cult off your movie "Eyes Wired Shut", is it also true you had to pay big money for the couches you jumped on the Oprah Winfrey show because you left big show imprints, is it also true your original version of "War of the Worlds" involved you trying to convert the Tripods to Scientology?

Tom Cruise: I can't answer these……..questions, I just can't….

(Brian grabs out a spray-gun and squirts water all over Tom.)

Brian: Squirt, squirt.

Tom Cruise: You ask me this stupid questions and you squirt water on me you're a jerk……a stone cold jerk ,you jerk…….you're a……….you're a jerk.

Brian: I was just filming….

Tom Cruise: You're a jerk.

(Present. Cut back upstairs as Stewie walks back in.)

Stewie: Getting bored, hey Brian………..I heard you talking to yourself.

(Stewie closes the door and then locks it.)

Brian: I have you know…….I called the police!

Stewie: No!

(Stewie runs over to his computer and sees his slaves on the monitor making a Stewie statue.)

Stewie: They're doing it all wrong! Damn Japanese and Vietnamese people……..now where was I………oh yes keeping Brian hostage……and you called the police and…….CALLED THE POLICE! What the deuce?

(Cut downstairs to the kitchen as Meg has her arms crossed.)

Peter: Meg, I'm sorry I stood you up at the swimming pool but…..but I got drunk.

Meg: You got drunk, huh?

Peter: Yeah, well………how about I make it up to you.

Meg: NO! You think that doing something else will block my mind of what happened today? It doesn't work that way! I HATE YOU DAD! I HATE YOU!

(Meg runs upstairs as Lois walks in.)

Lois: You're a terrible father, Peter.

(Chris comes into the view.)

Chris: Now that Meg's gone, there's a raccoon in my dinner!

(Chris holds up his plate and there's a raccoon with a bomb strapped to it.)

Raccoon: (jazzy voice) You're going down!

Lois: Shut up Chris.

Peter: Yeah, no cares.

(Pause as helicopters, cars and people talking are heard.)

Peter: What the Hell is that?

(Peter, Lois and Chris run up to the window and see police cars, helicopters and the media.)

Chris: Someone must've farted and someone heard so they came here to check what it was.

(Pause.)

Peter: We all know it was you Chris.

(Cut to the Quahog 5 Newsroom as Tom Tucker and Diane Simmons sit in their news desk.)

Tom: We interrupt "Dancing with the Stars" to give you this special report, our top story…….hostage crisis at the Griffin house, but in another story, millions of Americans happy that "Dancing with the Stars" is being interrupted, now back to the main….

(An explosion is heard and leprechauns run all over the place.)

Tom: Damn Superhero Weatherman.

Superhero Weatherman: Sorry.

Tom: We'll now go live to French correspondent Pepe Snaily.

(Cut to Pepe Snaily outside the Griffin house.)

Pepe: Thank you Tom……….Brian Griffin is reportedly being held hostage in the Griffin household by Stewie Griffin, leader of Japan and Vietnam……

(Cut to Stewie watching this from his TV in his room.)

Stewie: YOU BLABBED! YOU MUST DIE CHESTER!

Brian: I only blabbed because you because………because you've gone mad with power.

(Pause.)

Stewie: What?

Brian: With the statue building, the nuclear bombs, the women, the wars, hostages…….you, my friend, have gone mad with power.

Stewie: That's what world domination is, and I'm not your friend.

(Outside the door Meg walks past and into the kitchen.)

Meg: I'M GOING OUTSIDE, OKAY GUYS………AND DAD.

(Meg walks to the front door and sees reporters.)

FOX Reporter: Are you Brian Griffin?

Meg: No………I'm Meg……what are you guys all doing here?

CBS Reporter: This is the Griffin house right?

Pepe: Right?

Meg: Yes…….what's going on? What's wrong with Brian?

(ABC Reporter whispers in her ears.)

Meg: Oh my God that's terrible!

UPN Reporter: Do you know what's going on?

Meg: No…………I've been so distracted about my Dad standing me up at the swimming pool they he agreed to.

WB Reporter: Really?

Meg: His done such terrible things to me…….like…….

(Cut to the kitchen as Lois is washing the dishes and watching the TV where Meg is badmouthing Peter as Peter walks in.)

Lois: Are you watching this………..Meg's badmouthing you on national television.

Peter: WHAT!

Meg: (on TV) He through me out of the boat in a regatta race.

Peter: Back then, I thought she was fat now I know who really is the fat one………Lois.

Lois: You mean Chris.

Peter: Yeah, whatever fattie.

(Cut to the front door as SWAT members smash through the door and run in.)

Lois: What are you people doing here?

SWAT Member: Brian Griffin, is believed to be held hostage here…….and Peter Griffin is also believed to be here.

Lois: What about Peter?

SWAT Member: He's a terrible father…….yes, we listened to your rambling son!

Lois: That's my daughter.

SWAT Member: Right, right.

(Cut back to Stewie's room as he paces as two SWAT members smash into and start shooting as Stewie's arm end up waving and hit a launch button on his computer, and on it is two Vietnamese people running off when a missile flies off. Lois runs in.)

Lois: Stop shooting him! His just a baby!

(Lois runs off and grabs Stewie and runs into the closet as the SWAT member opens it and points a gun at her and Stewie. Brian hobbles off in his chair and hobbles in the hallways. Cut outside as Meg is talking to the reporters.)

Meg: And he blamed me for his own obesity and…

Pepe: (pointing to the missile which is heading for the house) Run away!

(All the reporters scream and run off as Meg looks on, angrily.)

Meg: Looks like there's more people would rather run off and scream then listening to a rambling 17-year old girl.

(Cut back inside as Peter is looking out the window as the missile heads towards Meg.)

Peter: MEG!

(Peter smashes through the window and tackles as the missile heads for the house and the house explodes.)

Meg: Dad…………you saved me. Even after all those horrible things I said about you.

Peter: Meg, I am a bad father…….but now I'm changing my ways and I'm going to care about all my kids!

Meg: OH MY GOD……..where's Chris?

Peter: Who cares?

(Lois walks out of the rubble holding Stewie and Brian rolls to the grass, no-more tied up.)

Lois: Did you know that Stewie was the president of two Asian continents? I found it hard to be believe, but……..a SWAT guy said it, so…….

Brian: So, what are we going to do now…….the house is completely destroyed?

Peter: What……..Stewie plus ruling countries equals……..a heap full of money.

(Cut to the repaired kitchen as Stewie sits in his high chair.)

Stewie: Great idea fatman, using all the money I had planned to make missiles and using it on repairing the house, basically ruining my political career because now Japan and Vietnam are third world countries because they have no more money, great idea!

Brian: My hatred for you is delicious.

Stewie: Shut up Checkers.

Meg: I'm glad things are back to normal.

Peter: So am I.

(Cut to Chris' head in his breakfast.)

Lois: Chris, stop slouching and…

(Lois pulls Chris' head out and his dead and Lois drops it back in.)

Lois: Eh.

(End credits.)