Disclaimer: I don't own any of the Zelda or Naruto rights…yet. Just you wait, though…one day…one day…(chuckles darkly)
Hello, anyone who still cares to read this! I wrote this fanfiction many years ago, and stumbled upon it again…only to find that the site has disposed of the cut-off lines and made reading this endlessly difficult!
Not to mention, that ruins some of the jokes.
So I am re-uploading every chapter, edited, and providing a link to an outside site: http:/ www. freewebs. com /files_01/
Just remove the spaces and that will take you to the fic, as hosted by another site. Thanks to whoever put it up there – it was so long ago that I can't remember, anymore. Anyway, ignore my ramblings – to reading!
Our legend takes place long ago, in a forest far, far away…so far away you could even call it fictional…there lived a boy. A blonde-haired, blue-eyed boy who was hated by his entire village.
Unfortunately, said blonde-haired, blue-eyed boy was off in Majora's Mask. So the casting director plucked out the nearest blue-eyed blonde who was hated by his village handy. This boy's name was Naruto Uzumaki.
The reason he was hated was because he didn't have a fairy. In any other village, this would be considered quite normal – in fact, it would be stranger if you did have a floating glow-ball following you everywhere. Awfully awkward, too…you would have no privacy…
That is…rather…ahem. The village had a god called the Great Deku Tree…in fact, it is with this great tree that our tale begins…
"Kyuubi. Oi, Kyuubi! Get over here!"
A faint, exasperated sigh was heard as a fire-red fairy fluttered on screen…or rather, into view.
"What do you want now?" The irate would-be kitsune grumbled.
"Well, I want you to pour some more sake over my roots," The Great Deku Tree responded in an eerily familiar voice, "but that's not what I called you for. It's about time that kid without a fairy had one."
Kyuubi cocked an eyebrow – or he would have, if his face was visible. "What do you want me to do about it?
The Deku Tree sighed. "You're a fairy."
Kyuubi pondered this for a second, before sighing. "There's no one else you can send?"
"No. Now get going. I'm the Great Deku Tree. My orders are like…well, important or something. Oh, and when you find the kid, bring him over here."
The Tree remained still, but Kyuubi imagined a bored shrug. "I mostly want to make fun of the fact that you have an annoying kid to follow around."
Kyuubi's eyes narrowed and he zipped off, muttering about power-crazed talking trees. Unfortunately, in his irritated state he crashed right into a fence.
"Damn it!" He cursed loudly before going over the top of the fence. Fairy dust was knocked loose from his body as he shook his 'head' and went flying off into a nearby tree house.
The tiny house was sparse, with only a tiny table and a small, occupied bed to fill it. The aforementioned occupant was currently snoring loudly, fast asleep.
"Oi, whelp!" Kyuubi yelled over the din. "Wake up!"
The boy didn't stir. Kyuubi sighed and tried again. "Get your lazy ass up, kid! You were summoned by the Great Deku Tree!"
Still no response from the peacefully sleeping child. Kyuubi groaned in exasperation and continued his attempts in vain…
Naruto gazed up at the slowly lowering drawbridge, rain beating down on his soaked-through green hat.
"Why am I wearing this thing anyway…?" He pondered aloud. In his peripheral vision he saw a small red orb bobbing up and down, as if nodding in agreement. His ears picked up the faint sound of galloping and searched for the source.
"Over there," the red orb noted dully, and Naruto barely had time to register a large white…something…come 'flying' out the exit.
Although the slime-coated creature was crawling at a pace only a bit faster than grass grows, Naruto had trouble making out the figures riding on it's back, but he thought he caught a glimpse of a figure clad in a pink gown.
Once they were out of sight, he turned his attention to the other figure standing at the drawbridge, waiting impatiently for them to get away.
"About time," he muttered, stepping forward, his cold eyes meeting Naruto's.
"Oh, for Din's sake, why was I chosen for this? Why do the Goddesses hate me…? I never signed up for anything…hell, I'm not even a real fairy…"
Naruto's eyes slid open, focusing on the sobbing red ball directly above him. On an impulse, he reached out and grabbed it.
"ACK! Son of a -" the rest of his speech was muffled by Naruto's hand, who sheepishly let him go.
"Sorry, dattebayo," he said sleepily. "Who are you?"
The fairy gasped for air, and managed to choke out, "I'm Kyuubi, you dumbass, and if you do that again I will kill you."
"Yeah, right," Naruto scoffed, but put his hands at his side. "So…Kyuubi…why are you here?"
"I'm your fairy now, twerp," Kyuubi snorted. "Now come on. We have to go see the Great Deku Tree."
"The Great Deku Tree?" Naruto repeated, jumping to his feet. "The Great Deku Tree?"
"Yeah, the Great Deku Tree, we've established that," the fairy sighed irritably. "Can we just get a move on? The sooner we get there, the sooner I'm rid of you and the sooner I can get back to destroying the village."
"What did you just say?"
"Nothing. Can we get going?"
Naruto nodded and made his way down the ladder of his tree house.
Naruto tried to turn his head around to see the speaker, but found it a physical impossibility. So, the logical course of action, in his mind, was to let go, despite…whatever Kyuubi was saying.
"Stupid," Kyuubi bounced off his head angrily. "If you're going to jump, press the forward button on the analog stick and you'll roll forward."
Naruto blinked. "What was that supposed to mean, dattebayo? What do you think this is, a video game?"
Kyuubi sighed. "I thought this was supposed to be a popular anime show, but I guess I thought wrong…"
"Besides, you aren't supposed to tell him that until you're inside the Great Deku Tree," a girl dressed in green chastised. Naruto blinked.
"Sakura? What are you doing here?"
"My name is Saria," the pink-haired ninja protested. "You have to get in character, Naruto!"
Naruto pulled a copy of Ocarina of Konoha out from his kunai pouch. "No I don't. Look, the author let me keep my own name. You can even check the second paragraph if you don't believe me!" He pointed at the paragraph to emphasize his point
Sakura leaned over a bit to get a better look. "Well…if the author says it's okay, then…but that's not what's important right now! A fairy finally came to you, Naruto!"
"Hey, yeah, it did!" Naruto observed intelligently. Kyuubi rolled his eyes and attempted to bounce of his head again, only to be prevented by Sakura tugging lightly on his wings and cooing.
"Oh, she's such a cute little fairy! What's your name?"
"SHE?" Kyuubi sputtered. "I'm a MALE fairy!"
"Oh, come on, don't bullshit us!" a light pink fairy flittering around Sakura's head yelled. "You're pink! Who's ever heard of a damn pink fairy that wasn't a girl? Damn liar…" it finished in a lower voice.
"Inner Sakura…" Sakura chastised as Kyuubi bristled.
"I am NOT pink!" he declared. "I'm RED! Red is a MANLY colour! Heck, I'm even more orange than red! BOTH of which are NOT feminine!" In order to get the last word in, Kyuubi tucked himself under the green hat Naruto was wearing at an awkward angle.
"…Okay then…" Sakura said. "Moving on…it's so great that you got a fairy, Naruto! And a summons from The Great Deku Tree…that's amazing!"
Naruto cocked his head. "I never told you I was summoned by the Deku Tree."
Sakura's eyes shifted. "You must have. Anyway, I'm supposed to tell you that Mido is guarding the path to the Deku Tree, so you'll probably run into him. I hope he doesn't give you trouble…"
"And if he does, we'll kick his ass! 'Cause no one messes with OUR friends!" Inner Sakura bellowed. Sakura grabbed her and rushed off with a quick, "I'll see you later!"
"Wait, dattebayo! Who's playing Mido in this parody?" Naruto called after her, but she either couldn't hear him or ignored him. Naruto sighed.
"Look, twerp, can we just get going?" Kyuubi said weakly, voice muffled by the hat. "I'm tired, I'm irritated, and I have a lot of destruction to cause. Quit stalling and get a move on."
Naruto shrugged and made his way over to the path leading towards the Deku Tree, only to be stopped by a familiar looking Sand ninja.
"Hey, hey, hey! You can't go down this way," the cat suit clad boy sneered. Naruto's eyebrows rose to his hairline.
"Kankuro? You're in this, too?"
Kankuro shrugged. "The author got nearly everybody. Although, if she happened to miss a favourite character, or there is a character someone particularly wants to see, changes can be made. But only if you review!" He flashed Rock Lee's famous 'nice guy' pose in the direction of the screen, while corny triumphant music played in the background. Naruto blinked.
"Right…anyway, why aren't I allowed down this way?" he inquired, eyeing Kankuro's fairy warily. It looked an awful lot like a small, glowing version of one of his puppets…
"Because I'm Mido!" Kankuro stated proudly, before realizing that wasn't much of a reason. Hastily, he added, "and because you don't have a fairy! Why would the Great Godai – I mean, the Great Deku Tree send for someone like you?"
"Ah, but I do have a fairy!" Naruto yanked Kyuubi from his hat and held him out to show the Sand ninja, ignoring his squirming and cursing. "AND mine is a real fairy, and not just a puppet!"
Kankuro looked trapped momentarily, before yelling, "Attack, Kokiri puppets!"
The child-like villagers all turned towards Naruto with a vicious gleam in their blank eyes. Naruto broke into a sweat and yelled, "Alright! Alright! I'm sorry I called your fairy a puppet! Now can you please just let me through?"
Kankuro frowned, still looking a bit put out as the Kokiri puppets went back to what they were previously doing…which was just about nothing. "I accept your apology, and so does my fairy," he muttered, before patting his fairy affectionately on the head. "Don't you? You accept his apology, yes you do…"
Naruto coughed lightly and Kankuro blushed. "Anyway…I can't let you through until you have the proper weapons."
"I do have weapons," Naruto frowned. "See? Right here in my…" his eyes grew wide with panic as he searched himself for his kunai and shuriken. "M-my weapons! Where did they go?"
"In the original game, Link didn't start out with weapons," Kyuubi said dully, filing his claws for lack of anything better to do. "You have to go find and equip a sword and shield, twerp."
Naruto groaned and Kankuro grinned. "The fairy's right. So you'll NEVER get past this point! There's only one sword in the entire forest, and NOBODY has ever found it! Especially a Mr. No-Fairy like you!"
"The shields are on sale at the Kokiri shop, though," Kyuubi said helpfully. "Now, can we get going?"
Naruto ignored Kyuubi in favour of giving Kankuro a strange look. When Kankuro noticed, he asked in a genuine voice, "What?"
Naruto cocked an eyebrow. "Well… 'Mr. No-Fairy'?"
Kankuro shrugged. "It's in the script." Naruto looked startled.
"We have a script?"
"Of course we do, twerp," Kyuubi said impatiently. "Yours just…got lost in the mail." Kyuubi's eyes narrowed dangerously. "That damn post office…"
The postman from Majora's Mask popped his head in, looking offended. "Oh, sure, blame it on us! Everyone ALWAYS blames the postman, yah!"
"GET BACK TO YOUR OWN GAME, MAIL-BOY!" Kyuubi snarled. Frightened, the postman slunk into the shadows. Naruto and Kankuro talked quietly among themselves.
"What does he have against the post office?" Kankuro asked. Naruto shook his head sadly.
"He's been that way ever since they forgot to deliver his letter telling the Yondaime he was dropping by for a visit. Y'know, to catch up on old times? He said it was their fault he was sealed inside a stupid twerp like me for twelve years."
Kankuro winced. "Ouch. That would suck, being sealed inside someone like you."
Naruto nodded. "Yeah…" A few seconds passed before he looked up, looking offended. "Hey…"
"CAN WE GET GOING?" Kyuubi hollered, still seething from the arrival of his hated nemesis. Naruto and Kankuro broke apart, looking warily at the fairy. The Sand ninja gently shoved Naruto forward, and the blonde took a few nervous steps in Kyuubi's direction. The fairy flew under his hat, and both ninjas sighed in relief.
"Well…I'll guess I'll see you later, then," Kankuro waved. Naruto nodded and wandered off in search of the fabled Kokiri sword.
Naruto was curled up in a tiny ball, Kyuubi bobbing pointlessly around his head.
"Okay," stated the fairy, who had calmed down after a while and instead taken to laughing at Naruto's current hopelessness. "You've checked Mido's house, the Know-It-All Brothers' house, Saria's house, around the Kokiri shop, by the exit to the forest, the Lost Woods, and your own house. Then you tried going back to Mido -"
"Right, him – and begged him to let you through. After all that, you still haven't found the sword. We are currently," Kyuubi glanced around quickly, "in the Kokiri…'training grounds', and by the looks of things, the sword isn't here."
"What am I going to do, dattebayo?" Naruto wailed. Kyuubi's words of comfort sounded suspiciously like a snicker. "I've checked everywhere I can think of except through this conveniently sized hole in the wall!"
Kyuubi froze. "Conveniently sized hole in the wall?"
Naruto nodded and moved so that it was revealed. "I've been sitting in front of it this whole time trying to think of where it could be," he said, depressed. Kyuubi's eye twitched spasmodically.
"Maybe if we go through the hole we'll suddenly realize where the sword is," he said in a calm, controlled voice, mentally congratulating himself from not killing his charge out of sheer irritation.
Still dejected, Naruto sighed. "I don't really see how that will help, but alright…"
Kyuubi followed the blonde through the tunnel, into a grassy maze-like area. A soft rumbling reached his (non-existent) ears.
"Hey, twerp, what do you think that is?" he asked, only to have his question answered seconds later when a large boulder rolled out of nowhere and flattened his charge. "That had to hurt. You okay, twerp?"
Naruto lay still. "My lungs…they're crushed…how it burns…"
Kyuubi rolled his eyes. "Get up and spare me the melodrama. You aren't even bleeding."
Naruto rose to his feet and frowned. "Hey, I'm not bleeding! That's weird…"
"Not really," Kyuubi said. "The game makers didn't want to have to hike up the rating from 'E' for 'Everyone'."
"Oh…then how come you swear, Kyuubi?"
"Do I look like Navi to you? Now let's get a move on, you damn twerp. If this takes much longer I'm going to start twitching again…"
Naruto followed the once-kitsune to a large treasure chest. "Now, I'm taking a stab in the dark here," Kyuubi said monotonously, "but I'm thinking that this might possibly be the Kokiri sword."
"Really?" Naruto cried excitedly. "Wow! I don't know how you found it, Kyuubi, but you did it! You're amazing, dattebayo!"
Half-irritated by his charge's stupidly and half-flattered, Kyuubi moved out of the way without a word, inwardly debating about whether it would be worth it to shove Naruto in the way of the boulder again. Said blonde cautiously opened the treasure chest to reveal…
"This is it?" Naruto held up the sword. The 'You found an item!" music played in the background. "I'm supposed to fight with this toothpick?"
"Hey! Don't insult the toothpicks, man!" Genma cried from the audience. Raidou shushed his friend, soothingly telling him that Naruto obviously didn't know what he was talking about. Naruto ignored this and stared in disdain at the stunted sword.
"It's a weapon, isn't it? Quit bitching and let's go get your stupid shield so we can keep going, twerp," Kyuubi said impatiently. Then he started muttering to himself again. "Stupid brat fights with kunai all the time and never complains, but give him a sword that's even longer than a kunai and he whines…"
"Back again, Mr. No-Fairy?" Kankuro sneered. "Listen, I don't care how much you beg, but I'm not letting you through without a sword and shield."
"Why not?" Naruto asked, Kyuubi sitting on his shoulder and re-filing his claws.
Kankuro seemed to ponder Naruto's question. "I'm not all that sure…it may be because there are monsters beyond this point, or because you'll have to destroy the curse on the Deku Tree that no one knows about. I think it's because the script says so, though…yeah, I'll go with that one."
Naruto blinked. "What? Monsters? Curse?"
"He said monster trucks and purse, Naruto," Kyuubi drawled. Naruto blinked.
"Kankuro, I don't see what monster trucks or purses have to do with weapons," he shook his head, "but it doesn't matter. I have the sword and shield." He held them out for the Sand ninja to see. Kankuro did a comical double take and gaped at Naruto in shock.
"Wha-wha-what? How did you get those?" he sputtered. Naruto shrugged and attached the weapons to the back of his green sweat suit.
"Found 'em," he said evasively.
"In the forest."
Kankuro's eyes narrowed. "Everywhere is the forest."
"So where, specifically, did you find the sword?"
"In the forest."
"Where in the forest?"
"ARGH!" Kyuubi screamed. The two instantly fell silent. The fairy directed a piercing glare at Kankuro, which undoubtedly would have affected him if Kyuubi's eyes were visible. "Let us through now."
"Yes, sir," the Sand ninja squeaked, obediently moving out of the way. Naruto thanked him hurriedly before darting through the path. He had only just begun walking when a hideous plant creature sprung up from the ground!
"YARGH!" Naruto sprang back. "What the hell is that?"
"That's a Deku Baba," Kyuubi noted, voice so monotone it nearly sounded computerized. "A plant-type pokemon. It's weakness is against fire type pokemon or sharp, pointy steel. It has the annoying tendency to re-grow a few seconds after you kill it."
"What's a pokemon?"
"Just kill the evil plant, kid."
Naruto dutifully slashed at the plant, killing it easily. It left a long stick in it's place.
"Take it along, twerp."
"Why?" Naruto asked, picking up the stick. "It's just a stick. How useful could a stick be to us?"
Kyuubi somehow managed to pick up the stick and swing it into the blonde's head, making a loud thwak. "Don't ask questions. You have unlimited space to carry pointless items, so if I tell you to pick up the stick, pick up the damn stick."
"Ow…" Naruto rubbed his head and tucked the stick away into his kunai pouch. Miraculously, it fit. "I see how a stick can be useful now…"
"C'mon, the Deku Tree's just up ahead," Kyuubi fluttered by his charge, leaving Naruto to run to catch up. They reached a clearing in no time. In the middle of the clearing was an absolutely massive tree, it's thick branches and leaves nearly blocking out the sunlight striving to reach the ground. The grass around its thick base was nonexistent, and further out the grass was thin and brown, having no sunlight or water to gather nutrients from.
"Great Deku Tree, I'm back with the whelp you wanted" Kyuubi called irritably.
"Ah, yes, Kyuubi…you have brought Naruto with you…this sucks. I had three-to-one odds that you wouldn't be back for another hour or so."
Naruto gaped at the tree. "Old Lady Tsunade? What are you doing here?"
"That's the Great Deku Tree to you, kid," Tsunade's voice snapped. "Now get over here…you too, Kyuubi. We have a lot to talk about."