Hey look, a new fic. It's short, I know, but I'm still rather pleased with it. (:
Genre: Flangst, I suppose.
Song Inspiration: Lost Heaven by L'arc en Ciel.
Lost Heaven; by Corrupted-Phoenix.
It is always cold here.
There are flames waltzing in the fireplace, but there is no warmth. It reminds me of my past, actually. It dances so cheerfully and is celebrated for its usefulness… that's how it appears to people who don't know all the dangers, all of the faults. People who have never seen the destruction that this so-called wondrous beauty has done.
So when I look at it, I see only hell.
The cold of winter leaks in through these worn walls and it makes my body ache with chills. I pull the blanket closer but it doesn't help. I can still see my breath against the air.
Sometimes when I'm all alone up here, my mind tends to wander off. I end up wondering what happened. Why it happened. And most of all, what is going to happen next.
He would probably yell at me for thinking about this.
"Can you afford to be held back by something so small?" Edward asked me softly, shifting in my arms to meet my eyes. "That's what you asked me a long time ago, Colonel. So, if I'm ever gone, I want you to remember that and decide whether or not you can."
"And what if I can?" I already know the answer, but I don't want him to say it.
"I won't let you."
Edward was always bright. He knew what I must do, as I knew what he must do. Heh, if only he could see me now. He wouldn't be able to make me follow my true dream of becoming Fuhrer. Not now. Not after everything that happened, not after falling so far.
I don't want him to see me like this. It's so pathetic.
The outpost I was assigned is the equivalent of a run-down shack. And what's worse, it's in the middle of nowhere. I can't get out if there's a snow storm, which is more often than not -- especially in this time of the year. I probably look like a mess myself but the mirror is long since broken and I've never been able to replace it.
So basically, there's nothing left for me anymore. Nothing except that slight thread of hope that he will find his way back someday. Everyone else has abandoned him, leaving me even more alone than before. And as the days pass by, I fear that the thread I'm so desperately holding onto is finally fraying.
I hate this feeling.
"You have that look on your face again, Roy."
I flicked my eyes over to him to be greeted with a disapproving but cute pout. I collect my answer quickly - it's always easy to lie to him. "I have no idea what you're talking about."
"Yes you do. Something's bothering you." But it's never easy to make him believe it.
"There's nothing wrong, Edward."
"It has to do with your memories, doesn't it?"
He stared at me with strong golden eyes. "I know what it's like to remember things I'd rather not have, too. You should know that by now, Colonel."
I don't know why or how, but we understood each other. He saw through me as clearly as one would see through glass, vision obscured only by decorative patterns. There was nothing I could get away with doing, every lie visible.
It was the same for him.
We had a mutual understanding, one that neither of us really knew why or when we had acquired.
When we were in public together, we didn't act like a normal couple. There were no exchanges of affectionate words, no kisses, no touches. Only snapping and bickering that seemed serious, but was in truth playful and passionate. I often caught him giving me sultry looks when he thought I wasn't looking -- but that was the intriguing part. He wouldn't look away when he was caught, only grin mischievously and continue to stare. We were forced to hide our relationship due to our military status, but that only brought us thrills.
We liked to play dangerous games.
"Let's play." He whispered in my ear, that sly grin of his gracing his thin lips. "It's your turn to start."
I grinned back at him, knowing exactly what he meant. I straightened up and looked straight into his eyes so that we could share our real emotions as we acted. Our eyes never betrayed our emotions, even though our voices and actions did. "My God, Ed! Why do you always have to mess things up?"
"Me?" He retorted immediately, sounding scandalized. "Why do you always blame me?"
"Because it always is you!"
"Oh sure, so says Mr. I'm-better-than-you-because-I'm-the-colonel!"
There was no real name for that game even though we never seemed to stop playing it. All we ever said was, 'let's play' and we would start to bicker loudly in public. It was strange of us as a couple, but it was something that covered our true feelings to the outside world.
The battlefield was our playground.
We had always seen the battle to keep our relationship secret as nothing but a game, even I who was supposed to be an adult. We faced it, blindly, together. We never stood solo. Neither one of us could have predicted that one day we would be forced to face this so-called playground on our own.
Then he vanished. I was left standing on my own, facing the enemy on my own. I didn't know where he is, but I knew that he too was alone. I was afraid then. How could we have been so reckless? So immature? The revealing of that secret could end us both.
But… was it not because we were romantically involved in the first place that we were in danger?
Looking back at everything now, I realize we are both stupid. But, I think that maybe love makes people act stupidly sometimes. Or in our case, all the time.
He interrupted me mid-sentence at the moment he was sure there is no one around and almost knocked me down the stairs when he suddenly pinned me against the stairwell's wall. His breath was hot on my neck and his hands firm on my chest, and I loved it, but hated it. This was a military facility. This was much too risky, even for us.
I put my hands on his chest to push him away but he stopped me. Not with words or by shoving my hands away, but by flicking out his tongue against the bare skin of my neck. It was only the tip of his tongue, but maybe that was why I faltered.
He didn't speak, but I knew he was grinning.
Edward was always a bright boy, and when he knew something he really knew that something. And because he knows me, he knew I'd come back to my senses within exactly thirty seconds. So that's how long he waited. With timing as sharp as needlepoint he started to trail his tongue up and along my jaw line until he had his teeth nipping at my lower lip. I shivered and he smiled.
When he started tugging at the buttons of my shirt I knew we were going too far. But I did nothing to stop him.
There are no more moments like that. There is no more risk and no more danger to escape.
It's become unbearable. It's like an awkward silence that suddenly falls across a crowded room – you're suddenly aware that something is wrong and when you know what that something is, everything suddenly becomes deafening.
I've become so weak. So much for the oh-so-great Flame Alchemist; dwindled by the loss of a partner he wasn't supposed to have. But still, I try my hardest to stay relatively optimistic and force myself to believe that all of this only proves that I am human. Somehow it comforts me, if only a little.
If Edward were to suddenly burst in through those heavy doors, the first thing he would do is scold me. He'd throw a tantrum over how stupid I am instead of run into my arms while crying with heartache.
Truthfully? I'd give anything to have that. Maybe that would finally make the cold stop. Because it honestly didn't matter what the weather was like or how low the temperature had plunged; I could always find faith and love in Edward's mere presence. It didn't matter where we were, either.
It was always warm there.