Hurt

I hurt myself today

To see if I still feel

I focus on the pain

The only thing that´s real

He stares at the can on his desk. It´s brown, and even though he can´t see what´s in it, he knows that it contains 200 small, blue pills. Over and over again he keeps thinking the same thought. Is this the right thing to do?

The scars on his forearms will fade away. The bruises on his chest and back will disappear. But the empty feeling within will always be there. It won´t fade away. It will never disappear.

He reaches out his right arm, but instead of grabbing the can his hand closes around a knife. It´s sharp and short. He holds it against his forearm. Feels the cold steel on his skin. Apparently, he´s still able to feel. He´s not dead yet. With a sigh he puts the knife away. Gives the can a quick look, then stares out the window. A bird twitters and he closes his eyes.

The needle tears a hole The old familiar sting I try to kill it all away But I remember everything

He remembers when he was six. His mother hade given him a teddy bear on Valentines day. She died the next morning. It was so long ago, but it still hurt so badly. A few months later his father hit him the first time. Then it just got worse. He didn´t let anyone see the bruises or how he felt, but he hated everyone for not seeing.

What have I become

My sweetest friend?

Everyone I know

Goes away in the end

In the beginning he cried. He cried every night until he fell asleep. He cried in the bathroom, he cried when he was alone. Then he realized that tears do no good. They don´t help you keep on living. They don´t make the pain go away. The tears only show that you´re weak. He stopped crying. Now he hadn´t cried for eight years. Not once. He could handle pain, physical and mental. He was used to it. Even though he sometimes screamed inside he didn´t let a word slip out his mouth.

His uncle Sam knew what was going on behind the walls of the apartment. He tried to stop it. It almost worked. He got to live at Sams house for a week. Then Sam slipped at the top of the stairs. He fell and broke his neck. The 10-year old boy who had been happy for the first time in 4 years was brought back to his prison. It hurt, almost as bad as when his mother had died, to be so close to freedom and love and then loose it in a few hours. One day he found a knife.

Once he had a friend, Daniel. Daniel didn´t understand how he felt, but he accepted him. Not everyone did. The evening of November 6th Daniel got shot on the streets where he lived. It was a dangerous neighbourhood.

When he was 14, the school he went to decided to have a dance for all the students in 8th and 9th grade. There he met Emma. He fell in love with her, and they started to go out. They went to movies, held each others hands and kissed. Then she dropped the bomb. She was in love with someone else. The only one he had really loved didn´t love him back. Oh, it hurt.

You could have it all

My empire of dirt

I will let you down

I will make you hurt

Nothing mattered anymore. He didn´t care for what he did, or what he didn´t do. He stopped going to school. He dated girl after girl and didn´t even bother to look in their faces when he dumped them as if they were yesterdays trash. He didn´t see the pain in their eyes, the pain he was so familiar with.

Every night he hurt himself. If not with the knife, he used needles, cigarettes, scissors, anything that could leave a burning mark on his arms. His father still hit him, but not everyday anymore. He was often to drunk to even fix his eyes upon his miserable son.

He stares at the can on his desk. Is this the right thing to do? Is it the only way out? He knows the answer to both of the questions. It´s not the right thing to do, it´s not the only way out. But it´s the easiest way. His entire life has been complicated. Never easy. Why not choose the easy way for once? A lonely tear is finding its way down his cheek . He reaches out his hand and grabs the can.

What have I become

My sweetest friend?

Everyone I know

Goes away in the end

You could have it all

My empire of dirt

I will let you down

I will make you hurt

If I could start again

A million miles away

I would keep myself

I would find a way

Author notes: I know it´s not very good, but it´s my first fanfic in English, so please respect that. I´m sure that it will be many things that aren´t correct in it, maybe I´ve spelled some words funny, or it´s wrong grammatical, please correct me then.

And in some places you may find it difficult to understand who 'him' or 'he' is, but that´s because I don´t want to name this boy, and when you don´t do that and there are other people in the story, it can become difficult to read…