"It's A Long Way To The Top (If You Wanna Rock 'N' Roll)

All titles are songs from the seventies. This song is by AC/DC

I own nothing. This is episode 9-11.

Oh my God!! It's a Thanksgiving miracle!! I updated

Yes. I know. It took an insanely long time for this to be updated and most of you probably thought it had been abandoned. That is absolutely not the case. I would not have written 42 chapters and then abandon this story. That would make me no better than the jerk-offs at FOX. However, I suffered from extreme burnout. So rather than give you some crappy update, I stepped away from this story for a while. Try to understand that writing a story of this size seriously took its toll on me and I needed to take a long break to get my sanity back. I want to thank those of you who reviewed letting me know you were patiently waiting and re-reading the story. Seriously, thank you so much for being patient with me. And to those of you who chose to leave me nasty reviews and send me rude PMs - did you think that calling me names was going to make me write faster? I do not appreciate the comments some of you have sent my way, they really bummed me out. I do not owe you anything. This is not my job, I am not getting paid for it. I have a family and a life outside of this story and whenever I write that takes time away from them. All of us who write at FF are doing it because we love the characters we are writing about, but none of us get anything in return for it except your reviews. So try to keep that in mind next time you tell a FF writer they owe you something.

Please check out my newly update profile page. It will give you a link to my LJ where I've complied a summary of all the episodes in this story and also a link to all of the music. I want to sincerely thank you guys for reviewing!!!

And a special thank you to my lobster, Michelle. :) You keep me writing, girl.

ACT 1

SCENE 1

INT. JACKIE AND HYDE'S KITCHEN. MORNING. JACKIE IS SITTING AT THE TABLE WITH THE TWINS. SHE IS TRYING VERY UNSUCCESSFULLY TO FEED THEM CARROTS AND THERE IS ORANGE GOOP EVERYWHERE.

JACKIE:

(baby talk) Here comes the choo-choo train. And it's loaded with yummy, delicious carrots and please don't spit them out on mommy again. This is cashmere.

HYDE ENTERS FROM THE LIVING ROOM WEARING A SUIT AND TIE. HE HEADS OVER TO WHERE THE TWINS ARE SITTING AND HE RUFFLES EACH OF THEIR HEADS.

HYDE:

(to Jackie) Ok, I'm outta here. I'll be at my dad's office in Milwaukee if you need me.

JACKIE:

(with a pout) Steven, Jagger won't eat his carrots.

HYDE:

That's cause he's smart.

JACKIE:

(with a whine) But what if he never wants to eat his carrots or his applesauce or his peas and he stays this size forever.

HYDE:

(smirks at Jackie) I wonder if that's what happened to you?

JACKIE:

You're not funny.

HYDE:

Sure I am.

ERIC AND DONNA ENTER THROUGH THE BACK DOOR.

ERIC:

Hey guys.

DONNA:

(pointing to the babies) What the hell is that?

JACKIE:

(irritated) It's carrots. And Jagger won't eat it.

DONNA SITS DOWN NEXT T JACKIE AT THE TABLE AND STARTS POKING AT THE BOWL OF CARROTS WITH THE SPOON.

DONNA:

Can you blame the poor guy? Look at this stuff. It looks like the time Fez puked up Cheetos after too many amaretto sours. What kind of mother makes their kid eat this crap?

JACKIE:

(uses her spoon to point at Donna) Look, don't get all bitchy with me just because this stuff is the same color as your hair.

HYDE:

(grins at Jackie) Well, I'd love to stay and watch my wife burn people, but I have a meeting to go to.

ERIC:

And as much as I'd like to stay and watch my wife get burned, I have to go, too. The new Cloud City Lego set is coming in today, and if I'm not there to supervise Mitch is totally going to put the star bay on wrong.

DONNA:

(indignantly to Eric) She didn't burn me.

ERIC:

(wryly) She did.

HYDE:

(nodding in agreement) Like toast.

DONNA:

(with a wave) Fine, whatever, I don't care. (gives Jackie a teasing smile) 'Cause I get the last laugh.

JACKIE:

Oh yeah?

DONNA:

Yeah. 'Cause maybe my hair is this color. (points at carrots stuck in Jackie's hair) But you actually have this nasty stuff stuck in your hair.

JACKIE GASPS AND WITH A HORRIFIED LOOK SHE PUTS A HAND IN HER HAIR AND DISCOVERS DONNA'S RIGHT.

JACKIE:

(wrinkling her nose in disgust) Ewwww.

DONNA GIVES JACKIE A SMUG SMILE AND THEN OFFERS HER A NAPKIN WHICH JACKIE TAKES AND STARTS TO CLEAN OFF HER HAIR. HYDE GIVES JACKIE A QUICK KISS AND THEN HEADS OUT THE DOOR FOLLOWED BY ERIC.

CUT TO THEME SONG

ACT 1

SCENE 2

INT. FORMAN KITCHEN, LATER THAT SAME MORNING. THE TABLE IS LOADED WITH FOOD AND KITTY IS AT THE STOVE FLIPPING PANCAKES WHEN RED WALKS IN FROM THE LIVING ROOM. HE TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE HUGE SPREAD OF FOOD AND FROWNS.

RED:

Kitty, I realize you still think we have 25 kids living here, but do we have to cook enough food to feed every hungry kid who thinks they live in our basement? It just makes them keep coming back if you continue to feed them.

LAURIE AND FEZ ENTER FROM THE SLIDING DOOR

LAURIE:

(overly enthusiastic) Hi Mommy! Hi Daddy!

RED:

(to Kitty as he points at Laurie and Fez as if to prove his point) See.

FEZ:

(with a huge smile) Oh sweet heaven, are those caramel rolls I smell?

FEZ AND LAURIE WALTZ INTO THE KITCHEN AND MAKE THEMSELVES AT HOME, THEY SIT DOWN AT THE TABLE AND THEY START TO LOAD UP PLATES FULL OF FOOD. RED HEADS TO THE TABLE AND SITS DOWN NEXT TO FEZ WHILE KITTY PUTS MORE FOOD ON THE TABLE.

KITTY:

(with a sigh) Alright, Laurie, what was it you two wanted to talk to us about?

RED:

Laurie, if you're are moving to Bora Bora or wherever the hell Captain Stupido is from, I don't even want to know.

RED SHOOTS FEZ A GROUCHY LOOK AND TAKES THE PLATE OF CARAMEL ROLLS AWAY FROM HIM.

LAURIE:

No, Daddy, it's nothing like that.(she smiles and looks back and forth between Red and Kitty) Fez and I have some good news.

RED AND KITTY BOTH QUICKLY TURN AND STARE AT LAURIE AND FEZ IN SHOCK.

KITTY:

(claps excitedly) Oh my God, you're pregnant!

RED:

(looks horrified) Oh my God, you're pregnant.

LAURIE:

(looks confused) What? No.

KITTY:

You're not pregnant?

LAURIE:

No.

FEZ:

(with a lecherous smile he elbows Red) But it is not for lack of trying. You know, what I mean, Dad?

RED SLOWLY TURNS TO FEZ AND GIVES HIM A MURDEROUS GLARE.

FEZ(cont'd):

(looking terrified) Ai.

LAURIE:

(with a big dopey smile like she's extremely proud of herself) Fez and I are going to school.

KITTY:

(smiles sweetly at Fez) Oh Fez, sweetie, are you going to take one of those "how to speak English" classes?

WITH A HUFF, FEZ PUTS DOWN HIS FOOD AND LOOKS AT KITTY.

FEZ:

(indignantly) What do you people think it is I speak right now?

RED:

Honestly? We don't know.

LAURIE:

(sighs in irritation and tries to change the subject) No. We're going to cosmetology school.

KITTY:

(flatly, to Laurie) Again?

LAURIE:

(rolling her eyes)Yes, again. (she smiles again and wraps her arm through Fez's) But this time I'll have Fez there to help me.

RED:

You know, I think you mother had a good idea - take one of those "stop speaking with an accent" classes first. Then work your way up to the "how to paint fingernails" classes.

LAURIE:

(pouts) I can't believe you guys aren't excited for us. This is really important to Fez and me.

FEZ:

(nodding in agreement) And just to show you how serious we are, Laurie and I have taken half of our monthly candy and beer money and set it aside to pay for school.

KITTY:

Well, that is serious.

FEZ:

Yes. (smiles a little guiltily) Oh, and, Miss Kitty, could you please start buying more candy and beer? Because, while we are serious about school, we are also hungry and thirsty.

LAURIE:

(excitedly) And then, when we both finish school, we can open up our own salon. We're going to be the hippest, trendiest salon in Wisconsin.

FEZ:

(quickly and with a smile) Yes, with no blue hairs. And we're also going to implement a "no uggo" policy.

RED PUSHES HIMSELF BACK FROM THE TABLE AND STANDS UP GIVING FEZ A VERY SARCASTIC SMILE.

RED:

Well, I'm going to implement a "no dumbass" policy. So I guess that means you'll be leaving.

RED EXITS INTO THE LIVING ROOM. EVERYONE WATCHES HIM GO. LAURIE LOOKS ANNOYED AND FEZ HAS A SCOWL ON HIS FACE. KITTY GIVES THEM A SAD SMILE AND PATS FEZ ON THE HAND.

KITTY:

You know, sweetie, if you did take one of those "English for foreigners classes", Red might actually be a little nicer to you.

FEZ POUTS AND LAURIE CROSSES HER ARMS AND SLOUCHES LIKE A PETULANT KID.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 3

INT. W.B.'S OFFICE, LATER THAT AFTERNOON. W.B. IS SITTING BEHIND HIS DESK AND HYDE IS STANDING IN A CORNER BEHIND HIM. THERE ARE TWO MEN IN SUITS SITTING IN CHAIRS FACING W.B.'S DESK. THEY ARE ALL LISTENING TO MUSIC - THE SONG "DO THAT TO ME ONE MORE TIME" BY THE CAPTAIN AND TENILLE. THE RECORD EXECUTIVES HAVE HUGE SMILES ON THEIR FACES AND ARE SWAYING APPRECIATIVELY TO THE MUSIC. W.B. IS LISTENING WITH SERIOUSNESS AND HYDE IS DOING NOTHING TO DISGUISE HIS DISLIKE OF THE SONG. AFTER A FEW SECONDS, ONE OF THE RECORD EXECS GETS OUT OF HIS CHAIR AND TURNS DOWN THE MUSIC A BIT SO HE CAN TALK OVER IT.

RECORD EXEC #1:

(with a big and fake smile) It's got a great beat doesn't it? It gets you right here. (taps at his chest melodramatically)

HYDE:

Actually, it gets me right here. (pats his stomach) It makes me want to split my head open against a brick wall.

W.B.:

(with a uncomfortable laugh) My son's taste in music is limited to rock and roll.

W.B. SHOOTS HYDE A LOOK THAT TELLS HIM TO COOL IT.

RECORD EXEC #2:

(to Hyde) Don't close yourself off to Adult Contemporary. It's the future of music.

HYDE:

Well in that case, I'm gonna help my buddy finish his time machine and we'll travel back to when music was good.

THE RECORD EXECS GLANCE BACK AND FORTH AT EACH OTHER, A LITTLE ANNOYED. THEY PLASTER ON FAKE SMILES AND THE SECOND MAN RISES FROM HIS CHAIR PROMPTING W.B. TO DO THE SAME.

RECORD EXEC #1:

Mr. Barnett, perhaps we should let you and your son discuss some things before we start talking numbers.

EACH MAN HOLDS THEIR HAND OUT FOR W.B. TO SHAKE, WHICH HE DOES. THEN THEY OFFER THEIR HANDS TO HYDE, WHO SHAKES THEM BEGRUDGINGLY.

W.B.:

We'll do that. Thanks for stopping by, gentlemen.

THE RECORD EXECUTIVES HEAD OUT OF W.B.'S OFFICE AND INTO THE HALLWAY

HYDE:

(calling after them)Yeah, and hey, if it's any consolation, my wife loves music that sucks so at least she'll buy your records.

W.B. TURNS TO HYDE AND SHAKES HIS HEAD AT HIM.

W.B.:

Steven, you need to show these people a little respect. They're record executives. We need them in our corner. So let's try to keep the smart-ass comments to a minimum.

HYDE:

W.B., Grooves is about rock and roll. You know, the classics, the great ones. (he points to the record player where the song was playing) That song featured a dude playing the recorder. (really annoyed) The recorder. You know- that plastic thing they teach you how to play "Three Blind Mice" on in grade school. Playing the recorder isn't music. It just makes me envy deaf people.

W.B.:

(holding up the record they had been listening to) But there are people out there that love this music. We can't just sell rock and roll records. We have to change with the times. Steven, I need you to learn how to handle people if you're going to take over this company some day.

HYDE:

(he shakes his head) Maybe that's the problem, man. I don't handle people. I don't do that ass-kissing, fake crap. If I don't like someone I'm not gonna pretend like I do.

W.B.:

We don't call it ass-kissing. We call it "business". And you need to learn how to handle your business.

HYDE:

That's not who I am, W.B.

W.B. CROSSES TO HYDE AND PUTS A HAND ON HIS SHOULDER.

W.B.:

(sincerely) Steven, who you are is my son. And some day this whole thing is going to be yours. Well, yours and your sister's. But let's face it. (like he's unsure how to say it) Angie's a little ... she's kind of ...

HYDE:

Crazy?

W.B.:

(points at Hyde) Don't talk that way about your sister. (a little begrudgingly) But yes, she's mildly unstable. So most of Grooves is going to be yours. And I want you to start taking a more active role in running the business. (grinning) I want to retire to Florida and order white people around while I still have my hair and slim physique. (pauses like he's thinking and then smiles, extremely proud of himself) Oh who am I kidding? I'm always going to have this hair.

HYDE:

(grins) Yeah, I'm not sure which legacy I should be more grateful to you for. A million dollar company or this righteous fro.

W.B.:

So what do you say, Steven? What to learn a little something about business?

HYDE:

(with a knowing smirk)You know, I actually ran my own little business in high school.

W.B.:

Oh you do make a father proud, son.

HYDE GRINS AND NODS AND W.B. JUST CHUCKLES AND SHAKES HIS HEAD.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 4

INT. FEZ AND LAURIE'S APARTMENT, THE SAME TIME. LAURIE AND BROOKE ARE SITTING ON THE FLOOR WITH BETSY WHILE FEZ IS SITTING ON THE COUCH AND KELSO IS STANDING BEHIND HIM, VERY CONCENTRATED ON TRYING TO SOLVE HIS RUBIC'S CUBE.

BROOKE:

(to Laurie) So, you guys are going back to school? I think that's so exciting.

KELSO:

(not looking up from his toy) No uh-uh. That's freaking crazy. We just got out. Why the hell do you want to go back in? Believe me, if I could've become a cop without the whole Police Academy thing, I would've.

LAURIE:

Kelso, if you could survive without breathing you'd do it.

KELSO LOOKS UP FROM HIS TOY AND FEZ NODS IN AGREEMENT.

FEZ;

She's right. You are a lazy bastard, my friend. It's a good thing you have your good looks to rely upon.

KELSO:

(with a big dumb smile) Not only rely upon, I totally misuse their power, man. (he points at Brooke) How do you think I ended up with Brooke?

BROOKE:

Michael, don't discourage them. (to Fez and Laurie) I can't wait for you guys to open your own salon. I'll go there, and you can cut Betsy's hair and Michael's, too.

AT THIS KELSO CROSSES TO THE COUCH AND SITS DOWN NEXT TO FEZ.

KELSO:

(nervously laughing he shakes his head) Whoa, wait a minute, Brooke. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm totally cool with you two trying to better yourself or whatever crap you're gonna do. But I don't let just anyone cut these locks. (he points to his hair)

LAURIE:

(rolls her eyes at Kelso) Kelso, I've seen you cut your own hair.

KELSO:

(bratty) Only when I got gum stuck in it, Laurie.

FEZ:

But we will have so many more things to offer besides haircuts. There will be manicures and facials and massages...

KELSO:

(excitedly elbows Fez) Oooh, hire one of those tiny Asian chicks from that boarded-up building on Water street.

BROOKE REACHES OVER AND SMACKS KELSO ON THE LEG.

BROOKE:

Michael!

FEZ:

I will be the in-house masseur. (he stands) Let me demonstrate.

FEZ CROSSES BEHIND THE COUCH AND STARTS TO GIVE KELSO A BACK RUB.

KELSO:

Oh. Oh yeah. (he closes his eyes and starts to laugh) That feels awesome. (opens his eyes and points at Laurie) Laurie, you are one lucky chick to own these magic hands.

LAURIE:

(staring at Kelso) You are totally creeping me out right now.

KELSO:

There's nothing creepy about appreciating hands that dance across your spine like they were blessed by angels.(waggles his finger at Laurie) And for your information, Lau-rie. Breathing can be really hard work. In and out, rest. In and out, rest. Sometimes I just can't find a good rhythm!

LAURIE JUST STARES AT KELSO COMPLETELY ANNOYED WHILE FEZ MASSAGES AWAY

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 5

INT. JACKIE AND HYDE'S KITCHEN, THAT AFTERNOON. JACKIE IS AGAIN SITTING WITH THE TWINS AT THE TABLE TRYING TO FEED THEM. THERE IS BABY FOOD EVERYWHERE AND JACKIE LOOKS INCREDIBLY FRAZZLED. HYDE WALKS IN THROUGH THEIR BACK DOOR.

JACKIE:

Look! Daddy's here.(to the twins) And Daddy wants to show you how to eat your carrots.

HYDE SHAKES HIS HEAD AND HEADS STRAIGHT TO THE FRIDGE.

HYDE:

Don't even think about it, Jackie.

JACKIE:

You are a mean, mean man.

HYDE TURNS AROUND FROM THE FRIDGE AND POINTS AT JACKIE'S FACE.

HYDE:

And you've got carrots on your face.

JACKIE:

Oh God.

JACKIE SLUMPS OVER AND PUTS HER HEAD DOWN ON THE TABLE, WHILE HYDE CLOSES THE FRIDGE AND, BEER IN HAND, CROSSES OVER TO THE TABLE AND SITS DOWN NEXT TO JACKIE.

HYDE:

No wait, hold on, there's something I want to talk to you about.

LIFTING HER HEAD UP OFF THE TABLE SHE GLARES AT HYDE.

JACKIE:

Steven, I can't think about sex while I'm covered in pureed vegetables.

HYDE:

It's not about sex. It's about work. (a beat) Wow. I can't believe those words came out of my mouth. (like he's not quite sure how to say it) My, uh ... my dad sort of gave me a promotion.

JACKIE:

What kind of promotion?

HYDE:

The kind where people are gonna doubt his sanity.

JACKIE:

(very fed-up) Steven, I've spent my day getting carrots and peas barfed-up on me. If you have something that is going to make my life more beautiful then you better tell me or I'll (trying to think of a threat) ... I'll pluck your eyebrows when you sleep.

HYDE:

You're one scary chick, you know that, right?

JACKIE:

(she shoves him in the arm) Steven!?

HYDE:

(with a laugh he rubs his arm) Alright, alright.(he pauses) My dad made me vice-president of the company.

JACKIE:

(completely shocked) Oh my God, you've got a title.

HYDE:

(he smirks) I've always had a title.

JACKIE:

"The kid who can get stuff" does not count.

HYDE STARTS TO TAKE JAGGER OUT OF HIS HIGH CHAIR AND LOOKS A LITTLE UNSURE OF WHAT TO SAY NEXT.

HYDE:

Yeah and he kind of gave me a raise.

JACKIE:

A raise? How much.

HYDE:

Enough.

JACKIE:

Steven, I have soggy Cheerios down my bra. I need numbers.

HYDE SETS JAGGER ON HIS LAP AND THEN GRABS A PIECE OF PAPER OUT OF HIS SUIT COAT POCKET. HE UNFOLDS THE PAPER AND HANDS IT TO JACKIE. HER EYES IMMEDIATELY GO WIDE IN SHOCK AS SHE READS IT.

JACKIE (cont'd):

Oh my God, Steven, we're going to be the richest people in Point Place. (she gasps) You have no idea how much I've missed saying that!

JACKIE CONTINUES TO STARE AT THE PAPER WHILE HYDE GRABS A RAG AND STARTS TO WIPE OFF JAGGER'S FACE.

END SCENE

CUT TO COMMERCIAL

ACT 2

SCENE 1

INT. FORMAN LIVING ROOM, LATER THAT AFTERNOON. JACKIE AND KITTY ARE SITTING ON THE COUCH WITH THE TWINS. HYDE IS SITTING ON THE PIANO BENCH AND ERIC IS HANGING OUT BY THE BAR. RED ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN IN HIS SHOP UNIFORM AND HEADS TOWARDS HIS CHAIR.

RED:

(to Hyde and Jackie) Alright, let's hear this big news. I left Bob alone in my shop and I don't want him bringing in a monkey or a clown to try and sell mufflers.

ERIC:

(dryly) I would totally buy a muffler from a monkey.

RED:

(points at Eric) Keep it up, smart mouth. I'm running a special today: two feet up your ass for the price of one.

JACKIE:

(excitedly to Hyde) Tell them, Steven.

EVERYONE TURNS THEIR ATTENTION TO HYDE WHO LOOKS VERY UNCOMFORTABLE.

HYDE:

Well, I - uh ...

KITTY:

(interupting him, she gasps excitedly) Do I hear the pitter-patter of more little feet?

HYDE:

Not unless Jackie's walking around barefoot.

KITTY:

(to Jackie) You're not pregnant?

JACKIE:

No.

RED:

(with a teasing smile) You're 0 for 2 today, Kitty.

HYDE:

(Hyde shrugs nonchalantly) I sorta got a promotion.

JACKIE:

(interjecting) And a raise.

HYDE:

(with a nod) And a raise.

JACKIE:

And his own secretary.(points at Hyde with a warning) But she better be an ugly one. Who's old.

HYDE:

(gives Jackie a small smile) I'll put in a request for one who's barely breathing.

KITTY LOOKS TOTALLY OVERWHELMED BY THE NEWS, WHILE RED AND ERIC ARE WATCHING HYDE WHO DOESN'T SEEM TO BE VERY EXCITED - A FACT WHICH GOES UNNOTICED BY KITTY AND JACKIE.

KITTY:

(stunned) You got a promotion? And a raise?

ERIC:

Don't forget the octogenarian secretary.

KITTY HOPS UP AND RUNS OVER TO HYDE. HE STANDS TO MEET HER AND SHE GIVES HIM A HUGE HUG. HYDE LOOKS A LITTLE UNCOMFORTABLE WITH ALL THE FUSS.

KITTY:

(still holding on to Hyde she starts to bounce up and down) Steven, this is amazing, sweetie! We are so happy for you. I just knew you weren't going to end up in prison like everyone said.(with an embarrassed smile) Well, I mean - for more than a few hours at a time anyway.

HYDE:

Yeah, well, most of those times were Forman's fault.

KITTY TURNS AND LOOKS AROUND AT EVERYONE IN THE ROOM.

KITTY:

This calls for a toast.

ERIC:

Umm ... in the Forman house, doesn't everything call for a toast. (he grins)

RED:

(to Eric) Shut it. (to Hyde) Steven, pour your mother a glass of wine.

HYDE GOES BEHIND THE BAR AND BEGINS TO POUR SOME WINE IN A TUMBLER. KITTY CROSSES TO THE BAR AND STOPS HIM.

KITTY:

Oh no, no, no, Steven. Don't use that glass. Use a wine glass.

HYDE:

(confused) What's the difference?

KITTY:

(pointing at the tumbler) Because if you drink wine out of that glass you just look like a wine-o. (she smiles) But if you drink it out of a wine glass ... you look classy.

ERIC:

You know what else is classy? (beat) A monkey who sells mufflers.

RED GETS OUT OF HIS CHAIR AND TAKES A STEP TOWARDS ERIC.

ERIC (cont'd):

(quickly to Red) Okay, I don't want the two-for-one special. I don't even have any money!

HYDE BEGINS POURING OUT DRINKS FOR EVERYONE WHILE RED CONTINUES TO GLARE AT ERIC.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 2

INT FEZ AND LAURIE'S APARTMENT "LOST IN LOVE" BY AIR SUPPLY IS PLAYING ON THE RADIO AND FEZ AND LAURIE ARE SNUGGLED UP ON THE COUCH LOOKING OVER SOME BOOKS.

LAURIE:

Look at all this stuff we've gotta learn. (pointing to something in the book she has) Did you know if you leave bleach on too long a person's hair could fall out?

FEZ:

No. But I think that is a mistake we would only make once.

THEY GO BACK TO QUIETLY LOOKING AT THEIR BOOKS FOR A FEW SECONDS UNTIL LAURIE BEGINS BITING HER LIP, LOOKING A LITTLE APPREHENSIVE.

LAURIE:

Fez?

FEZ:

Yes, my queen?

LAURIE:

We're smart, right?

FEZ:

(with a sleazy smile) We're sexy bastards, and believe me, that is enough to get through life.

LAURIE:

(with a sigh) I used to think so. But what if that's not true?

FEZ:

(suddenly deadly seroius) Then my entire system of beliefs has been crushed.

LAURIE:

(looking a little sad) Nobody thinks we can do this. I mean, just because we're not, like, geniuses we can still do this. Right?

FEZ TAKES LAURIE'S HAND IN HIS OVERLY ROMATIC WAY AND GIVES HER A SMILE.

FEZ:

I believe we can do this.

LAURIE:

(a tiny smile creeping in) You do?

FEZ:

(nods) Of course I do.

LAURIE:

No one's ever believed in me before.

FEZ:

(waggles his eyebrows at her) Well no one has ever screamed my name as loudly or appreciatively as you. So we are even.

LAURIE LEANS IN AND GIVES FEZ A KISS, THEN SHE PULLS BACK AND STARES AT HIM, LIKE SHE'S CONTEMPLATING WHAT HE SAID.

LAURIE:

You're right, Fez, being sexy is more than enough. Nothing good ever happens to ugly people.

FEZ:

This is true. (a beat) Although, life has been pretty good to Meatloaf.

LAURIE NODS IN AGREEMENT AND THEY BOTH LOOK CONFUSED AT THIS FACT.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 3

EXT. FORMAN DRIVEWAY, THAT NIGHT. HYDE IS IN THE DRIVEWAY HOLDING A BEER IN ONE HAND AND DRIBBLING A BALL IN THE OTHER. THE SONG "CARRY ON WAYWARD SON" BY KANSAS IS COMING FROM A RADIO IN THE GARAGE. RED COMES OUTSIDE FROM THE HOUSE AND HEADS TOWARDS HYDE. HYDE DOESN'T EVEN NOTICE RED HAS COME OUTSIDE.

RED:

(to Hyde) That beer better be from your garage.

HYDE TURNS TO RED.

HYDE:

(grins and nods) It is.

RED:

(crosses closer to Hyde) And you better have gotten me one, too.

HYDE POPS OPEN THE TOP OF A COOLER REVEALING SEVERAL BEERS ON ICE, RED REACHES IN AND GRABS HIMSELF ONE. THEY SILENTLY DRINK FOR A FEW SECONDS.

RED:(cont'd)

(to Hyde) So, the new job's going to be an adjustment for you.

HYDE:

(nods slowly and shrugs) You could say that, yeah. (he pauses and grins) I kind of wish I hadn't burned all my ties now.

RED IGNORES HYDE'S ATTEMPT TO MAKE A JOKE.

RED:

(very pointedly) This is good for you, Steven. Good for your family.

HYDE:

(serious) I know it is, Red. I'm just not sure it's the kind of job I want.

RED:

(sighs and steps in closer to Hyde) Son, there are some things you have to do for your family. Even if you don't want to do them. You think I wanted to work at Price Mart? But a real man does what he has to. It's the American way. Do it even if it makes you miserable. That's what separates us from the French. (with a look of annoyance) They do what feels good. That's why we have to bail their asses out every time the scary country next door invades them.

HYDE:

(grins) Well, I don't wanna be like a French guy. They're pretty girly.

RED:

(nods) Damn straight they are. (pauses) You're a good husband, Steven, and a good father. And when it's all said and done - that's all that really matters.

RED LOOKS AT HYDE LIKE HE WANTS TO MAKE SURE HIS POINT HAS BEEN MADE. HYDE NODS IN ACCEPTANCE.

HYDE:

Got it, Red.

RED:

(grins and takes a swig of his beer) Plus more money means a happier wife and that means a few more minutes of peace every day. And that's what's really, really matters.

HYDE CHUCKLES AND TOSSES THE BALL TOWARDS THE HOOP WHILE RED HEADS BACK INSIDE.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 4

INT. JACKIE AND HYDE'S LIVING ROOM, A SHORT WHILE LATER. JACKIE HAS A BOTTLE OF CHAMPAGNE AND SHE IS POURING IT INTO SOME GLASSES. DONNA IS STANDING NEARBY AND LAURIE HAS ANOTHER BOTTLE BETWEEN HER LEGS AS SHE'S ATTEMPTING TO PULL THE CORK OUT. FEZ AND ERIC ARE SITTING ON THE COUCH ALREADY HOLDING GLASSES. HYDE COMES DOWN FROM UPSTAIRS.

HYDE:

Okay, they're finally asleep. Who knew smashed-up peas made babies so freaking hyper.

JACKIE:

(turns to Donna) Donna, can you help me pour this?

LAURIE POPS THE CORK OUT OF ANOTHER BOTTLE OF CHAMPAGNE AND HANDS IT TO JACKIE.

LAURIE:

Here's another one.

AS HYDE WALKS BY LAURIE HE GIVES HER A SARCASTIC GRIN.

HYDE:

Wow. Laurie has a skill.

LAURIE SHOOTS HYDE A NASTY LOOK.

FEZ:

(with a leer) She has many, my sarcastic friend.

LAURIE GRABS A GLASS FOR HERSELF AND HEADS TOWARDS THE COUCH WHILE HYDE GOES AND STANDS NEAR JACKIE. AS DONNA STARTS TO POUR OUT THE CHAMPAGNE WITH JACKIE, SHE PAUSES AND LOOKS AT THE LABEL ON THE BOTTLE.

DONNA:

(shocked) Holy crap, this is the stuff you have to get out of the locked cabinet. You can either buy this champagne or pay your mortgage for the month.(gives Jackie a teasing smile) Are we celebrating that you and Hyde pulled off your first successful liquor store heist?

HYDE:

No. (looks at Jackie) But there was The Great Skittle Robbery from the 7-11 back in '78.

JACKIE:

(rolls her eyes at Hyde) I told you - I was starving and you had no money!

JACKIE AND DONNA FINISH POURING ALL THE CHAMPAGE AND THEY EACH GRAB A GLASS FOR THEMSELVES THEN JACKIE GIVES ON TO HYDE WHILE DONNA DELIVERS ONE TO LAURIE. MEANWHILE, ERIC IS SLAMMING HIS CHAMPAGNE DOWN.

JACKIE (cont'd):

Ok, where are Brooke and Michael? I want to be able to drink this stuff.

SUDDENLY REALIZING HE WAS SUPPOSED TO WAIT TO DRINK, ERIC SPITS OUT SOME CHAMPAGNE FROM HIS MOUTH BACK INTO THE GLASS AND THEN LOOKS AROUND GUILTILY AT THE OTHERS.

DONNA:

Classy, Eric.

ERIC:

(hisses at Donna) No one explained to me we were supposed to wait.

FEZ:

Perhaps when Laurie and I open our salon we should serve cocktails.

HYDE:

(very sarcastically) Good idea. Get Laurie drunk and then give her a pair of scissors. I don't see anything bad coming out of that plan.

BROOKE AND KELSO COME IN THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR.

JACKIE:

Finally.

JACKIE HEADS BACK OVER TO THE CHAMPAGNE BOTTLE AND GLASSES AND GRABS TWO GLASSES HANDING THEM TO KELSO AND BROOKE AS THEY ENTER THE ROOM.

KELSO:

(quickly) Alright, we're here (he holds up a handful of things excitedly) and I brought the fireworks.

ERIC:

Kelso, you don't even know what we're celebrating.

KELSO:

Doesn't matter, Eric, fireworks go with everything.

JACKIE:

(very dramatically) We're celebrating this!

JACKIE HOLDS OUT THE PIECE OF PAPER THAT HAS HYDE'S NEW SALARY ON IT. EVERYONE COMES FROM WHEREVER THEY ARE TO GATHER AROUND AND LOOK AT WHAT JACKIE IS HOLDING.

KELSO:

UH! Kick ass! (to Hyde) You guys got a new phone number!

THEY ALL LOOK AT KELSO IN DISBELIEF. HYDE FROGS HIM IN THE ARM.

HYDE:

That's not a new phone number ya moron, that's my new salary. My dad gave me a promotion.

DONNA:

(with a stunned laugh) Holy crap with that much money you can buy the phone company and we can all get new phone numbers.

BROOKE:

(with a smile) This is incredible, Hyde.

LAURIE:

(nods like she can't believe it) Yeah, I think I'm actually impressed. But then again, (she shrugs) I have really low standards.

FEZ:

And it is a good thing, if you know what I mean. (he smiles at the others)

JACKIE:

(talking very quickly and excitedly) Steven's getting his own office and his own secretary and even his own phone line.

FEZ:

(smiles at Hyde) Oh I see hours and hours of "is your refrigerator running?" in the future.

HYDE:

(grins and gives Fez a nod) I'll be happy to accept your call, my friend.

DONNA:

(looks a little confused) So wait, what about your store?

ERIC:

(quietly to Donna) He's not gonna be there anymore.

DONNA:

What?

HYDE:

(shrugs like it's no big deal) Yeah, well my dad wants me in the office. And you know, I'll be doing a lot of trips out of town, so I can't be running the store and doing that stuff.

JACKIE:

(to Hyde) But that's ok, right? I mean you can go to Grooves and check upon things whenever you want.

HYDE:

(not very convincing) Oh yeah. Sure.

NO ONE BUT ERIC SEEMS TO NOTICE HYDE'S SLIGHT UNEASE.

DONNA:

(to Jackie and Hyde) Well I think it's amazing, you guys.

JACKIE:

Isn't it? (with a hand to her heart she sighs) It's like Jackie Collins is writing my life!

ERIC:

That's funny cause I think Marvel Comics writes mine.

LAURIE:

(points at her champagne) Are we drinking this stuff or what?

FEZ:

I've never had champagne that costs more than $2.00 before. (he sighs) Oh I am going to love having rich friends.

DONNA:

(holding up her glass) To Hyde.

JACKIE:

(she hops up and down) Yay, Steven!

ERIC:

(staring warily at Jackie) Oh, man, she's not gonna do a cheer is she?

HYDE:

(with a wicked grin) Not til after you guys leave.

ERIC:

(disgusted) Oh God, can we just drink please?

EVERYONE TAKES A DRINK EXCEPT FOR KELSO WHO LOOKS EXTREMELY CONFUSED AS HE STARES AT THE PIECE OF PAPER HE'S SNATCHED FROM JACKIE.

KELSO:

(like he's thinking really hard) Hold on, I'm confused, did they get a new phone number or not? Cause I don't wanna pick up the phone to call Hyde and get, like, Marty's Pizza or something. (with a dopey laugh) Unless I'm in the mood for pizza in which case it's ok.

EVERYONE JUST SORT OF SHAKES THEIR HEAD AT KELSO AND HYDE LOOKS LIKE HE MIGHT PUNCH HIM.

END SCENE

CUT TO COMMERCIAL

CREDITS

INT. A CLASSROOM. FEZ AND LAURIE ARE SITTING AT DESK AND THERE ARE SEVERAL OTHER STUDENTS IN THE ROOM, THEY ARE ALL LISTENING TO A TEACHER LECTURE IN THE BACKGROUND. FEZ IS STARING AT LAURIE WHO IS PICKING AT HER SPLIT ENDS AND VERY CLEARLY NOT PAYING ATTENTION TO THE TEACHER'S LECTURE.

FEZ:

(with a dazed look he sighs) You're very pretty, Laurie.

LAURIE LOOKS UP FROM HER HAIR AND GIVES FEZ A BIG DITZY SMILE.

LAURIE:

I know, huh.

FEZ:

And I am a handsome son of a bitch.

LAURIE:

(nods) You are.

FEZ:

And we are going to bring beauty to Wisconsin. (he gets a dreamy far-away look on his face) So much beauty.

LAURIE:

(with a huge smile) We're like missionaries. Except what we do will really matter.

FEZ:

(Fez's relaxed look disappears instantly) Ai. (he looks around at the other people sitting nearby than whispers to Laurie with a pained expression on his face) Do not say "missionary" while we are learning. It gives me needs.

LAURIE GETS A DEVILISH LOOK ON HER FACE AND RAISES HER HAND.

LAURIE:

(to the teacher in her pest ass-kissing voice) Excuse me? I need a lavatory pass.

TEACHER:

(smiles and nods at Laurie) That's alright, you don't actually have to ask permission to use the rest room. Just go ahead.

LAURIE QUICKLY GETS UP AND HEADS TOWARDS THE DOOR WITH A SEDUCTIVE BACKWARD GLANCE AT FEZ OVER HER SHOULDER. FEZ GETS UP AND STARTS TO FOLLOW HER OUT.

TEACHER(cont'd):

(calling after Fez) Excuse me? Where are you going?

FEZ STOPS AND TURNS AROUND, HE HAS NO IDEA WHAT TO SAY.

FEZ;

(his eyes darting back and forth nervously)I ... ummm ... missionary.

FEZ FOLLOWS LAURIE OUT OF THE ROOM WHILE THE TEACHER WATCHES, VERY CONFUSED.

END SCENE

END EPISODE

UP NEXT ...

"Baker Street"

Eric and Donna finally move into their house leaving behind mixed emotions from Red and Kitty.

Phew. Okay, seriously a weight the size of Big Rhonda has just been lifted off my shoulders. Thanks for sticking with me, guys :) And seriously, thank you so much for your reviews and encouragement. They mean the world to me.

Oh, and yes, the song "Do That To Me One More Time" actually features a recorder solo. Yep. Go check out my profile page for the link to my LJ and there are links to all the songs in Redo.

A song with the recorder ... now that's just good fun :-)