Letter To My Lover
Disclaimer: I own nothing. Nada. Zip. Zilch.
Summary: Annabeth writes a letter to her husband. Set five years after the season finale
Notes: Please be gentle…This is the first fic I have ever written and I was a bit dubious about posting it. However since I have taken the plunge, any feedback you could give me would be fantastic. My email address is twenty9pearlsatgmaildotcom. Spoilers for season finale1x22 "Hot grrrl"
I can't believe I'm even entertaining the idea of writing this letter. I'm not sure where to begin. How can I ever find sufficient words to express just how much I have missed you? These past few years have been such an emotional rollercoaster. I'm still partially in denial about your… well, the fact that you aren't here any more. I have always been told that writing was therapeutic, a way to release my innermost feelings without inhibition. So here I am pen in hand, with a million thoughts running through my head… and yet much as I try, I just cannot find a way to pin them down on the page.
I guess this letter has been a long time coming. Before now, I have never had the desire or courage to confront my feelings. I assumed that revisiting painful memories from the past would only cause hurt and regret. Well, maybe it will, but if it's the only way that I can let go of these emotions and come to terms with my grief over you, then I am prepared to do whatever is necessary.
I used to blame myself for your accident. I still do sometimes. I know… it's not my fault right? I can almost hear your voice, telling me off for thinking such a thing. All the same I can't help wondering had I spent more time with you instead of working so much, would things by any means have turned out differently?
Sometimes I lie awake at night and picture you, sprawled out lifelessly on that hospital bed. Despite the horror and chaos of the situation, you looked so peaceful. It was the most surreal image. Nothing could ever have prepared me for losing you so suddenly and unexpectedly, and I didn't know how to deal with this. It was something I had no control over and I'm not used to that. It's the curse of being a prosecutor right? I'm normally the one who calls the shots, but this was the one time that there was simply nothing I could do. I felt at a loss.
Before you died I had never really hated anyone. Hate is such an intense emotion. I always thought it was silly to devote so much time and energy into actively hating a person. Now I am experiencing this sensation, and I so desperately want to be free of it. I want to be able to forgive him. Maybe someday I will be able to. But right now I can't help it. How can I stop myself from hating him?
Him. He doesn't even deserve to have a name. The drunk driver, that so carelessly took away your life without a second thought. I'm deeply sorry baby… so sorry for what he did. Even more sorry for the fact that I didn't get to say goodbye to you properly. I figure that is the reason why a part of me has always been clinging on to the impossible hope that you weren't really gone.
I thought that if I kept you alive in my head, somehow God would bring you back to me. Does that sound crazy? At least it provided me with some much needed comfort. Imagine being so overwhelmed by feelings of guilt, rage, futility and fear, that you become totally disconnected from everything.
For the longest time I felt like my world had come to its end. There were countless instances where I had reached for a cigarette in despair. I knew you wouldn't have approved. It really upsets me to say this, but sometimes I didn't care. I just wanted to hurt you regardless. As some kind of reprisal, for the grief I was enduring. Irrational, yes, but still it took a considerable amount of time before I realized that the only person I was hurting was myself.
When things get tough, you supposedly find out who your real friends are. Well I certainly found mine. Steve, Lou and Maureen were so supportive of me. They became more than just my work colleagues; they helped me get my whole life back on track again. I honestly don't know what I would have done without them.
By the way, you'll be glad to know I never did light that cigarette. Each time I felt tempted, Maureen was always there to stop me from giving in, to make me see sense. She was my saving grace.
Speaking of work, I found out that I may be in line for a promotion soon. It's great news! You will be happy for me, won't you? You always used to say I worked too hard, that I was a stress head. You were right. But I'm not that person anymore. I'm stronger and hopefully a bit more laid back. Who needs a perfect conviction record anyway? Things have had to change, for my sake as well as for Haley's
How I wish you could see her now Jack. Our little girl really is growing up quickly. As I write this I can see her watching me, a goofy smile spread across her face. That same smile made me fall for you.
She's the spitting image of you, with those big blue eyes and her vivacious personality. Obviously she was too young to remember you in person, but she knows you're her daddy. She knows that you loved her with all your heart. I will never let her forget that.
It will be her sixth birthday tomorrow. I've told her that daddy will send her all his love and kisses down from heaven. You know what? She said that was the best present she could ever have. And it truly is. You would be so proud of her Jack. I most definitely am. She was the light shining in the midst of my darkness and each day spent with her is a blessing. She brings me closer to you, and for that I will be eternally grateful.
It is a pity you will never actually get to read this letter. It means so much to me, as my final opportunity to say farewell.. I will keep it though, as a memento of a positive turning point in my life. I have not felt so liberated in a very long time. I finally have a sense of closure. There are still some things I need to work through, but I will get there in the end. I'll find the strength through both you and Haley. Maybe someday when she's older, I will let her read this. I want us all to find comfort in the knowledge that we will always be united as a family. Family is all about unconditional love, and I know that your love and compassion for us will never die. Your spirit will remain alive in our hearts and minds forever.