Reading this crackfic may result in the loss of IQ points. Having read it several dozen times for grammatical errors, I now have the IQ of a cucumber. But whatever. Please read it anyways!
Disclaimer: As a very wise person once said, 'If I owned Naruto, it would be called Sasuke.'
Team 7 Skips Training
"So where are you three going?" Kakashi asked as he appeared behind his three students, "You three are late and you decide to skip out on training because it's convenient?" The three genin avoided their sensei's gaze and instead stared at Anko as she streaked by while being chased by a furious Shizune.
"We're…um…busy! Yeah, we're very, very busy, right Sakura-chan?" Naruto exclaimed after the surprise of Kakashi being early wore off. Kakashi glared at his three students and was about to tell them that he was joking when Sasuke pointed behind him and yelled, "Look, Jiraiya's making out with Orochimaru!"
"OMG, COOL!" Kakashi cried as he spun around fast enough to give himself whiplash and found nothing behind him. Those stupid kids had gotten him with that old trick again. Kakashi made a mental note never to trust them about that kind of stuff anymore. Sasuke, Sakura, and Naruto were long gone and Kakashi sighed to himself. Since when was anybody ever busy? Kakashi found this very suspicious and decided to go murder Gai in cold blood.
"Um, so where are we going, Sasuke-kun?" Sakura asked, clinging to the Uchiha as if her life depended on it. Naruto leered at Sakura jealously and wished that he could glomp the Uchiha too.
"We're going in here." Sasuke said, entering a dimly lit bar with several tables full of people in it.
"I'm going to go on a diet," Chouji announced as Sasuke, Sakura and Naruto walked in, "I might be slightly overweight…" Everyone stared at Chouji in disbelief as Lee kept tap-dancing on the table behind them.
"Yeah, and I'm really Shikamaru's eight year old sister…" Shino muttered to nobody in particular. Then Shikamaru popped out of nowhere, tackling Shino and dragging him off into the forest with cries of, "I've finally found my long-lost sister! She was disguised as Shino!" as Shino screamed and begged to be rescued from the deranged chuunin.
"Whoa…Shino was really a girl?" Naruto put his hands behind his head and nodded. "I knew it." Nobody bothered to answer him and he was promptly knocked out by Tenten, who decided that Naruto knew too much about the doorknob incident.
"He's kidding, right?" Sasuke whispered to Sakura, "Because I'm totally not laughing." Sakura shook her head and sighed. Men and their idiotic ambitions…
"Shut the fuck up before I sic rabid bunnies on you, Chouji." Gaara said with a creepy grin, "Nobody cares if you're fat." He slid off his barstool and started dancing with Lee who had began to sing. Chouji began crying and ran out of the bar as Hinata rushed in.
"Alright, who stole my fucking cookies?" Hinata hissed at the large gathering of shinobi before her, "I know one of you bastards did it. Those were for Naruto! I'm going to rip out your larynx with my bare hands if I find out one of you did it and didn't confess."
By this time, everyone in the bar was oblivious to Hayate who was sitting in the back of the bar, beating the hell out of his Kimimaro plushie.
Gaara hopped off the table he had been dancing on and yawned. Hinata ran over to him and shook him violently.
"Did you do it?" Hinata screeched,"You stole my cookies, didn't you? Who the fuck do you think you are, the goddamned Kazekage!"
"Actually, he is the goddamned Kazekage." Itachi stared off into his drink as Kankuro broke down the door of the bar and shouted,"Itachi! Where the hell have you been? You forgot to pack me a bento box!"
"Damn." Itachi mumbled and ran out of the bar as fast as he could with Asuma and an army of angry squirrels behind him.
"Hey Hinata…" Naruto groaned, finally coming to,"Why is it so cold in here?" Hinata blushed furiously and whispered, "Oh…Naruto-kun…you're finally awake…" before falling over in a dead faint.
"Finally, someone shut that annoying kunoichi up!" Kabuto commented as he went back to his discussion about the evils of taijutsu with an extremely drunk Ino.
It was at this moment that Sakura finally succeeded at getting into Sasuke's pants, Temari killed Tayuya again, Zabuza burst through the wall, and the doorbell rang.
"I'll get it!" shouted Iruka, tripping over Akamaru. Kisame glanced at the giant hole in the wall that Zabuza had made and wondered where the doorbell was. Sasuke tore himself away from Sakura for half a second to open the door and then went back to doing unmentionable things to his teammate under the table.
"Gaara!" Hyuuga Hizashi called as he stepped into the bar, "It's time for your afternoon nap! You know how cranky you get without it!" Gaara got up off the floor and stamped his feet angrily.
"You weren't supposed to tell anyone about that!" he whined as Neji's father dragged a sobbing Gaara out the door.
Tenten cackled evilly and began eating the cookies she had stolen from Hinata and Tayuya slapped her for not sharing. Suddenly the door banged open and Shikamaru walked in whistling to himself and sat down at the table that Sasuke and Sakura were under. Temari and Haku sat at the table with him, wondering why he was so pleased with himself.
"Alright, who the fuck put this dude in my dress?" Hanabi shouted, dropping Shino on a table in the middle of the bar. Shizune sighed and decided that foul mouths must run in the Hyuuga family.
"Hey, you're Shikamaru's sister, right?" Naruto asked Shino quietly, "You're pretty hot." Hanabi looked at the pair strangely and rushed out of the bar in a huff. These idiot genins were too hard to deal with.
"OMG," Shino shrieked at Naruto, "I'm only eight years old you pervert!" Naruto sighed in rejection and wondered if he was becoming too much like Jiraiya.
"Stop using your kekkei genkai for perverted things!" Anko yelled at Neji, tossing him into the middle of the bar.
"Hey Neji, you're a pervert too, right? What did you do to Anko?" Naruto whispered, causing Neji to run away screaming that it was all a big misunderstanding and that Zabuza had dared him to do it.
Back under the table, Sasuke and Sakura were still at it. Haku grabbed Shikamaru's arm and attempted to pull him under the table too, but an enraged Temari stopped them.
"Get the fuck off of Shikamaru you bitch!" Temari snapped, whacking Haku across the head with her giant fan, "I just killed another girl because she messed with my Shikamaru. Do you want to be next?" Haku flipped his long hair over his shoulder and hissed, "I'm a guy and I'm hotter than you. Why should I?" A catfight ensued and Iruka left the bar with his arm around Shikamaru.
Tsunade watched everyone from afar, deciding that there were too many odd things to fix in one day and went back to drinking her tea. Being Godaime was harder than it had seemed to be. She had to give Sarutobi credit for putting up with all the weird shit that went on in Konoha.
Please review. Not that you have to or anything. It just makes me really, really happy. And please try not to flame. Flamers make me cry…
Yes, I do know that Kimimaro, Tayuya, Hayate, and Hizashi are dead. I also know that Shino is not an eight year old girl…but it was funny…right?