Author's note: Okay, so I thought I'd try turning this into an actual story. However, I really wanted to write it out in literate form, but then there was the problem of when people were singing. I've decided to put singing in italics and verses, because I thought it would be a bit weird to suddenly switch to a script format when people sing. So tell me how you like the way it flows, and if it's not working, I might change it.
Again, this is either a Harry Potter version of Rent or it's Rent: Harry-Potter-style. Either way, Harry Potter belongs to J.K. Rowling and Rent belongs to Jonathan Larson. I own neither of them. Their work owns me. :)
Because this is a parody, the new lines of the songs are quite close to the originals by Jonathan Larson. Usually if I filk something I make it totally different, but again, it's pretty close to the original just so you can tell what it is. I'm using the OBC Recording of 'Rent' by the way, but if you only know the film you should still be able to figure out what's going on. It just goes in order of the Rent songs.
One final thing: Cast list!
Roger Davis- Harry Potter
Mimi Marquez- Ginny Weasley
Mark Cohen- Ron Weasley
Maureen Johnson- Hermione Granger
Joanne Jefferson- Luna Lovegood
Tom Collins- Remus Lupin
Angel Dumott Schunard- Sirius Black
Benjamin Coffin III- Draco Malfoy.
So enjoy my complete author's universe Rent/HarryPotter musical-story! This chapter includes "Cheer Up #1" (Tune Up #1), "Owl #1" (Voice Mail #1), "Cheer Up #2" (Tune Up #2) and "Wand" (Rent).
Ron Weasley just didn't think he could take it anymore.
He'd always envisioned that he'd have such a great life after Hogwarts: He and Hermione would marry, have five kids, he'd be a wizard chess champion and hold a top position in the Ministry while she worked in some successful intellectual position that he couldn't even understand, and life would all be wonderful because Harry would make everything so peaceful. Oh. And Draco Malfoy would burn up in hell. It was going to be a good life.
However, his life after Hogwarts couldn't have been more different.
Ron was staring at his chessboard in the apartment that he shared with his best friend, Harry Potter. At least they were still best friends, as he had planned. But Harry was acting so different now. He hardly talked. He hardly played Quidditch. He didn't do anything. All right, so maybe he ought to cut Harry some slack. After all, it wasn't as if he was the Boy Who Lived, and most recently, The Boy Who Failed Everyone. Yet Ron didn't think Harry should be upset. So Voldemort still hadn't been thwarted, even with that big and complicated Horcrux plan. Harry had tried. What more did the world want of him?
Ron entered the sitting area of the apartment, and wasn't surprised to see Harry looking miserable in the same old chair. He was sure that if someone took a photo of Harry every day, it would look exactly the same.
"Hey, Harry, want to play a game of chess with me?"
"How about practicing some Quidditch?"
"Are you gonna get out of that chair?"
"No. Go get your own chair."
Conversations had ran like this for weeks. Ron had to do something.
"It's August 17th, eight p.m.
In the wizard world
Five years ago we left from Hogwarts School
Not too much has happened since it
Just the same old shit
Here is Harry!
Sitting the way he has been
And hasn't moved for ten days!"
Harry glared at him. "That's not true."
"So you say," Ron answered, rolling his eyes."He fought the Dark Lord
Who isn't dead like we thought"
"Are you reminding again?" Harry growled.
"Of course not…" said Ron, looking sheepish. God. Harry was so grumpy."Don't be so blue
Think of what you can do
Tell the Quidditch fans what you're doing, Harry!"
Surely this had to rouse some inspiration in Harry. He could have played on one of the greatest Quidditch teams of the season (and sadly, one of these teams was not the Chudley Cannons this time). Sure, maybe Harry didn't want to go fly and practice Quidditch, but at least thinking about it had to make him just the least bit excited.
"I'm being so emo," Harry replied. All right. Maybe not.
There was a screech in the distance. Ron peered out the window, and Harry gave just the tiniest reaction to the sound. Hedwig, perhaps! Hedwig ought to cheer up Harry. Maybe she'd come back with a long letter to Harry, all about how everyone loved him.
"An owl!" Ron announced.
"Yes!" cried Harry. Though Ron wasn't sure if Harry was happy about the owl, or the fact that it had distracted him from interrogating Harry any further.
Ron squinted, and walked toward the open window. "Here comes…
It looks like a letter from my mum…"
He groaned. Not his mother again. That was the third time today. It was a different owl too, though no wonder since she'd been using so many. This time, Ron recognized the owl as his own, Pig. Pig hooted happy and flew about Ron's head in a circle before scurrying over to Harry and flying around his head too.
"Ron, just take your letter already!" said Harry.
"Well, I'm trying!" protested Ron. "It's kind of hard when Pig won't stay still! Pig! Stop that!"
Pig hooted louder and flew back to Ron, not stopping his spastic flying. "Shut up, Pig!" With a wild grab, Ron seized Pig roughly and snatched the letter from his beak.
Pig let out a loud "SCREEEEEEEEEEEECH!"
Ron opened the letter and it immediately began to read itself aloud to him, the voice of Mrs. Weasley echoing around the apartment."This owl is such a spaz
I don't even know if this will make it
Ron, Ron, are you there?
If you're reading this now
I wanted to let you know- I love you!
And I miss you like always
Bill, Charlie, and twins are here— why not you?
Well, I hope you liked the sweater
Yes it is maroon, dear, it matches your eyes."
Harry snorted. Ron gave him a look. But honestly, Ron had no idea what his mother was on about. Maroon didn't match anything about him. The letter continued."Oh, and Ron
I'm sorry to hear Hermi'ne dumped you
I say, let it be
That smart ass, bookworm lesbian!
She'll learn this mistake was so loony!
Ron sighed. He'd been reminded again of how another aspect of his preferred life had gone wrong. Yeah, Hermione had dated him. And then she just dumped him. Dumped his arse. The worse part was who she had dumped him for. True, everyone who got dumped thought the person that their ex had started dating was absolutely horrible, but Ron didn't think it could get any worse than Luna Lovegood. What did Hermione Granger and Luna Lovegood have in common? Nothing, that's what! Hermione was smart and brainy, and Luna was just plain weird. How could Hermione have dumped he, Ron, for Luna? It just wasn't right! Hermione really was loony. Loony for Luna.
Harry must have caught the expression on Ron's face, because he said, "Look, Ron, I'm really sorry about Hermione, again."
"It's okay," Ron said bitterly. "Doesn't matter…"
"She doesn't know what she's missing," Harry went on. "She and Luna are going to have the most bizarre relationship in history."
"I've heard of stranger ones," said Ron. "I think I've been scarred for life by the thought of Dumbledore and McGonagall. And Flitwick and Sprout."
"Hey, at least those aren't as bad as Crabbe and Goyle," Harry pointed out.
"Oh, Merlin, that was terrifying… yet, completely expected, if you think about it." Yes. At least that one had been expected, unlike Hermione and Luna! Ron didn't want to think about it. He couldn't think about it. No. Time to try and cheer up Harry for a second time."Tell the Quidditch fans what you're doing Harry!"
Harry looked quite fed up, and threw a pillow at Ron. "I'm being so emo--!"
This time there was a ring that interrupted Harry. It was he and Ron's fellytone. Or, telephone, as Hermione had always attempted to correct him. Harry had just given up, and let Ron call it whatever he wanted. Though it didn't stop Harry from uselessly throwing out, "Phone."
"Same thing," Ron insisted, and walked over to the table to get it, but not quick enough, because the answering message had gone off. It wasn't a very informative message either. Ron was completely clueless on how to put one on, and Harry had never been allowed near Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia's phone, so he didn't know either. On a fluke, they had gotten the recording to work, but they had been so completely unprepared that the message resulted in:"Erm…"
A familiar voice began recording a message. Singing, in fact."Moonlight shining…"
Ron snatched up the phone. "Lupin!" both he and Harry shouted into the phone.
"I'm outside," they heard their former Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, Remus Lupin, say. Harry and Ron were thrilled to be hearing from him again, as they hadn't heard from him at all in a year.
"Hey!" Ron greeted.
Lupin sounded shocked. "You worked your 'fellytone'?"
"Yes, I did," Ron answered smugly.
"What a big kid," Lupin mocked, but he laughed kindly. Harry was laughing along too. For once. Perhaps this is what would cheer Harry up. Though Ron knew that if Harry could speak to any Marauder, it would be his father he'd want most. Then Sirius. But hey, they liked Lupin. Third on the list wasn't so bad.
"A visit from him brings a smile," Ron said, looking at Harry.
There was a sudden silence on the line. Lupin's laugher had just stopped, instead of properly dying out. It must be the phone. Ron tapped on it. "Lupin?"
"I may be a while," Lupin finally said, before the phone hung up abruptly.
Ron looked quizzically at Harry, who had the same expression mirroring back at him. "What does he mean?" he wondered.
Then the phone rang again. "Must be Lupin calling back," Harry said. Ron picked the phone up."What do you mean 'a while'?"
But it wasn't Lupin. It was a person who had foiled yet another aspect of Ron's perfect life because they had not burned in hell like planned. It was Draco Malfoy.
"Weasel-bee!" sneered Draco's voice.
"Malfoy! Shit!" cried Harry and Ron. Ron didn't even know why Draco was calling them. Especially on a Muggle phone, since he always considered himself to be so above them. Before Ron had the chance to ask, Malfoy went on.
"Look, I'm coming there."
Harry and Ron stared at each other. "Here? Fuck!"
"I want your soul," Draco said.
"Who's soul?" Ron asked nervously.
"It's Potty's soul that's still left whole," explained Draco.
"Left whole?" Ron said. "Who knew, since he saved you?"
"When I fought Voldemort," Harry interjected, grabbing the phone.
"And back at Hogwarts," Ron added, taking the phone back.
"Remember? I saved you!" Harry repeated, getting as close to the mouthpiece of the phone as he could without having to bother Ron by taking it.
Draco didn't sound pleased with this information."How could I forget?
You, me, and Hermione
How is that mudbloody?"
"She'll be protesting soon," Ron answered expertly, and perhaps a little too quickly. Okay. So he knew nearly everything that Hermione was doing. Though it wasn't too hard to know, considering that Hermione had been advertising her protest about House-Elves as widely as possible. In the years since Hogwarts, Hermione had taken S.P.E.W. to a new level. Now there were riots. There were even more followers.
"I know," Draco groaned. "Still polishing the wand with her?"
Ron raised his eyebrows. He had no idea what Malfoy was talking about. "Hey, Malfoy, you've got me stumped."
Draco sighed, and repeated his question in a simpler form. "You still dating her?"
Ron paused. He really didn't want to tell Draco. He didn't have to. He could lie. Yeah, lie. That's it. "No, I just got dumped." Okay, fine. Don't lie, Ron.
"She found love," Harry added. Ron slapped him in the arm. This wasn't helping a bit.
"Oh, a new fella?" Draco asked, sounding interested.
"Um, no," Ron answered. Why was he telling Draco these things? He was recalling the horrible sinking feeling of being dumped by Hermione all over again. This wouldn't have happened if Malfoy had just burned up like he'd planned.
"What's his name?" Draco asked.
Okay. This was it. He really didn't have to say it. But even if he didn't, Harry would have. And he found himself answering anyway. "Luna."
There was silence on the other end, and then Draco began laughing hysterically in his cold, sneering laugh. "God, Weasley, she dumped you for a woman? And Loony Lovegood, no less. You must have been terrible."
Ron felt his ears going red. "No, that's not true. We were just… having differences. That's all. It was nothing."
"Yeah, and that's why Granger decided to go find someone with similarities," Draco said. "Well, except that there's nothing similar about them except their gender. This is going to be hilarious in a very, very daft way."
"Shut up, Malfoy."
"Look, Weasel. Just get Pothead over there so that he can hear what I'm saying too."
"Yeah, what's that?" Harry asked, leaning into the phone."We have to talk tomorrow
So make sure you're there, and don't go
Or you'll pay, you know."
And then Malfoy hung up."Oh, I hate him!" Ron roared. "Why couldn't he have burned up in hell like I planned?"
"Really? You planned that too?" Harry asked.
"Oh. Yeah," said Ron. "Best friends think alike, I guess."
"True," said Harry. "Except in my vision, I pictured him being tortured a lot before reaching the burning stage. But we're close enough."
"I guess," said Ron, and he slumped down onto an empty chair. "I'm so bored."
"I'm so emo," Harry whined.
"Merlin!" cried Ron. "I've tried to cheer you up a bunch of times, and you won't do anything! I'm so sick of this! What will it take?" Then his face brightened. "I know." Ron leapt up from the chair and began searching around the room. "Hey, Harry, have you seen my wand?"
"Uh, no. That'd just be disturbing. I saw it that one time by accident, and I'd really rather not see it again." Harry smirked at him.
Ron rolled his eyes. "I'm not talking about a wand like that. You're just making fun of me for not understanding Malfoy's comment at first."
"No, I'm not," said Harry. "Anyway, what are you getting it for?"
"I'm going to go curse Malfoy up, that's what," Ron answered. "That'll cheer you up. And me. But I can't do anything unless I find it."
"Then look for it,"
"And that's exactly what I intend to do." This was much easier said than done. Harry and Ron weren't exactly organized to begin with. Throw those boys into an apartment together and you were guaranteed for a mess. Ron rummaged through paper, pillows, food, and random objects."How do you live a magic life
When magic's getting so
More tragic each day?
It's not right
Anyone catch sight
What I lost today:
He cast a look over at Harry, imploring him to help him look. Harry joined in."How do you cast a spell
When you go through hell
'Cause you don't have your magic stick
When you have no power
Your life goes sour-
What? No, Ron, I don't mean— you're sick!"
"But it's great innuendo," Ron pointed out.
Harry shrugged. "Hey, you've got a point, so—"
Together they searched."How we gonna charm
How we gonna charm
How we gonna charm
Where's my wand?"
"We'll light it up!" Ron decided.
Harry nodded at him, but he appeared to be slipping away into other thoughts."How do you kill a dark lord
If you've nothing to use
And it feels like I am stuck in the blues?"
Ron wondered how long Harry could possibly be stuck on that subject."How can you think about him
When my girlfriend is dim!"
"Why's our life so grim?" they both whined.
"Where's my relationship?" begged Ron.
"Must kill him!" Harry declared.
"Let's pun quip," suggested Ron."How we gonna charm
How we gonna charm
How we gonna charm
Where's my wand?"
Harry and Ron were both positive that they each had the worst situation in the world: Harry's being that he hadn't properly managed to get rid of Voldemort, and Ron's of course being that Hermione dumped him for a woman.
Ron's ex, Hermione Granger, happened to be returning home to her apartment that very moment. She'd been out all day researching and looking up things for her protest, and was very exhausted, yet relieved to be coming home to her lover. She'd never exactly understood what it was that had made her so attracted to Luna. After all, Luna was one odd girl. But it had been Luna who believed in S.P.E.W. more than anyone else Hermione talked to.
Luna greeted her at the door."Don't turn, my Herm
It's me— Luna!
Your S.P.E.W. assistant!
Hey, hey, hey! (Are they freed?)"
"Actually, according to a very small and hugely prejudiced section in A History of Magic Creatures," Hermione began to say, but Luna cut her off.
"Don't quote the textbook, I'll churn
Now darling, how 'bout some Snorkack suffrage?"
Oh goodness. Not those ridiculous Snorkacks again, Hermione thought. Luna would ever stop going on about them. Did she not understand what S.P.E.W. stood for? Nowhere in the 'S', or any of the other letters, did it mention anything about Snorkacks! "Luna, I told you, we've talked about the Snorkacks. Now what about that new house-elf footage I asked you to get today?"
"But Snorkacks live!
But Snorkacks live!
Your new house-elf footage?
Isn't all gone exactly…
It was just eaten by my Pogrebon…"
Hermione gasped, looked furious, and mumbled a very familiar name as she walked off to grab some parchment and a quill. Luna gasped as well."Why would you get Ron!"
As this went on, yet another person was having a miserable time. The reason for Remus Lupin's sudden hang up on Harry and Ron's phone was that he had realized it was the full moon of that month. And of all days to come back to town…"How do you live like a man
When a wolf side can control your mind
And tonight it runs
How could I forget?—
Oh, no, I should sit
I'm such a git!—
And uh-oh— here it comes!"
Ron Weasley, getting quite fed up, took a brief procrastination break and looked out the window for his former professor at Hogwarts. "Where is he?"
"Getting wolfy," Lupin moaned to himself as he felt the painful change creeping toward him again.
If it was possible, Harry and Ron's apartment had only gotten messier since they started their search.
"How we gonna charm
How we gonna charm
How we gonna charm
Where's my wand?"
Draco Malfoy, on the other hand, had no need to worry about a messy apartment. He didn't even have to worry about an apartment, because he now lived in a large and luxurious mansion with house-elves and servants to wait on he and his wife Pansy Parkinson's every need. He was still recalling his conversation that he had just had with Harry and Ron. And also wondering why on earth he had called them using a Muggle device. As he walked down yet another extremely long hallway in his house, he came across Pansy herself."Pansy, my baby— you look mad
I can't believe those jerks after all those years at school
Ever since I met them, we fought
They'll see I can make them all learn who makes the rules!
Can't hide away
The full moon was a terrible thing. Despite the new advances in lycanthropy that had occurred in the last five years, transformations still felt horrible. Remus Lupin was losing his mind."Uggh! Arrrgh! Uggh! Arrgh! Uggh! Arrgh! Ugghh!
Uggh! Arrgh! Ugghh! Arggh!"
"The wizard is not the one to choose his own wand," Ron commented back in his apartment.
Hermione Granger was still writing her letter to Ron. "But Herms, I'm not a normal person!" Luna attempted to explain to her.
"The wizard just has to wait until they feel instant bond," agreed Harry to Ron.
"Could never be a normal person!" Luna reminded Hermione. It did no good though; Hermione was already sealing the letter and giving it to her owl.
"Now watch the wizard polishing his wand," said Ron.
"If it was long and it wasn't gone!" Harry added.
"Hermy!" Luna scowled as the owl took flight out the window and over to Harry and Ron's apartment. Hermione's owl flew in through the window and over to Ron. Ron ripped the letter open."What's this? Hermy?
Luna's pet ate your stuff?
Okay, I'll go— enough!"
He turned to Harry, who was thinking the same things as he was."How can you fly a broom when it
Just wants to make sure that you will miss the snitch?
These jinxes, mishaps, wins and loss
Will spill you round and fall off the pitch!
How can you survive when the wand, the wizard's extension of
His own soul goes away?
What keeps the magic together when a raging, crazy, dark wizard
Brings evil to stay?"
"Draw a spell with the stick and then swish and flick," Draco Malfoy muttered to himself.
"With your chess you'll go far," Harry said to Ron.
"You've got a scar," Ron told him.
As if it was some magical spell in the wizard world, everyone became unanimous in singing."When times get dark
You make your mark
How we gonna charm
How we gonna charm
How we gonna charm
With no wand
Light my wand
Find my wand
Wand, wand, wand, wand, wand
Where the hell is my wand?
'Cause everything is wand!"
A/N: So, a helpful review would be greatly appreciated. I really don't like the way I have to put in the actual story parts and then how in order to change who's singing and I have to put something like, "So and so agreed." I'd put this thing in a sort of script-ish format, but I believe that'd be against the rules. Or maybe just the singing, to make it easier? Any ideas would be welcomed. Thanks for reading!