Dirty Little Secret: Chapter Seven
Don't own them, never will. Unless Square wants to share….Please?
PS. This is Yaoi. If you don't like it, don't read it!
This chapter is a little different than the rest of the chapters, because the whole chapter is based on a single song, The World I Know by Collective Soul. Also, it is not told from Seifer's point of view. This is actually something that I wrote a long time ago, and it was the basis of what I based the rest of this story on. It will answer the few questions that remained from the last cliff hanger. Enjoy!
Have you ever noticed that you can't sleep when there is something bothering you? And if you can sleep, you always wake up at ridiculous hours, unable to get back to sleep until you have completely thought your problem through? Hyne must have planned it that way so people like murderers and rapists suffer. And for those of us who just have problems, let me tell you. It sucks. And the worst of all are bombshells. They leave you sleepless for days, and that is the reason that I am sitting here at three in the morning, instead of asleep, in bed with my lover.
Has our conscience shown?
When Squall showed up the day before yesterday, it really hit me how little I actually know about my son. It's not that I didn't want him, or Raine, it's just that I didn't want to submit them to the pressure of becoming a high profile family. Looking back, I realize how selfish I was being, but that is in the past now. Once I learned of Raine's death, I figured that it would be better to let Squall think that I was dead or MIA. Let's face it. I had no idea how to raise a child. I can barely even function myself. Frankly, if I hadn't had Kiros and Ward, I wouldn't be where I am. Being as quiet as I can possibly manage, I walk over to the balcony doors and open them up.
Has the sweet breeze blown?
A cool breeze blows into the room and causes my long, dark hair to fly everywhere. I look over to the form of my sleeping lover on our king sized bed. Alone. I hate to know that he is asleep all alone, but knowing that if I stayed in bed, I would have woken him up. A small smile grazes my features. He's what keeps me together, and he knows that. Knowing his kindness makes me wonder how there can be people in the world who are completely the opposite.
Has all kindness gone?
People like that ex-boyfriend of Squall's. It didn't surprise me that Squall was gay. Like I am in any position to talk. I've been sleeping with the same man for 15 years. But Squall wasn't as lucky as me. When he came here and told me just needed a place to stay a little while to figure a few things out, I knew there was something seriously wrong. When I finally was able to confront him and as why he didn't want me to let Garden know that he was here, the answer shocked me to say the least. He was a complete wreck. All I could do was hold him in my arms until he composed himself again and tell him that he was welcome here as long as he needed to stay.
Hope still lingers on.
To say he was a mess was the understatement of the year. Until this evening. His mood has definitely lightened since Seifer showed up. I'm not sure how close they are, but it's nice to know that there is still someone that he can trust, and even put some of his hope and trust into. Hope. So much one little emotion can do. It can bring a smile to even the iciest of souls, and that includes my son's. And it also leaves some for me. That maybe someday my son will be just that to me. A son. That we can over come the past 17 years and possibly become a family. I down the glass of scotch in my hand that I had absentmindedly gotten in one gulp.
I drink myself in new found pity.
A family. The one thing that I always wanted, and always had, but I just never realized it. And the fact that my stubbornness never allowed me to repent for my actions, I caused Squall to go through everything he had to endure. Time Compression, Garden, that ex-boyfriend, Rinoa, Everything. Well, maybe I wasn't the only reason, but most of the time it sure felt like it. If only I had been there for Raine when she was pregnant, she wouldn't have died, Squall wouldn't have had to go through all that. But then I would have lost Elle for good, never had the relationship that I have with Kiros, or become president of Esthar.
Sitting alone in Esthar City.
I never could understand why Kiros has stayed beside me for all of these years. Hyne knows that I don't deserve him. Why am I sitting out here, looking over my city instead of in bed beside him? Because I am concerned for my son. The night that I told him about our relationship, he surprised me. After I said that I was pretty sure he was my son and that if he wanted to get blood tests done I could arrange it, he just quietly shook his head and said "I know you are" and then walked out of the room. The next day I told him that there would always be a room, and even a job if he would ever want it here at the presidential residence when ever he needed it, or if he became tired with Garden, he replied "Whatever" and left. I hadn't heard neither hide nor hair from him until he called the other day and asked if there was still a room here for him.
And I don't know why.
Why would someone do something that to my son? Or any other human for that matter. I just don't get it. Normally Squall is such a strong soul; there was just something about this Dante he let his guard down around. And look what happened. I can only hope that Seifer will be able to help Squall start the healing process. Maybe, as bad as it sounds, I hope that because of all that has happened to him, he is able to become more of a son to me. No matter how long it takes, no matter what, I will become what I feel Squall needs more than anything right now. A Father.
Are we listening?
Esthar is unusually quiet for this time of morning. A faint hum coming from what ever caused that strange blue light was the only sound. Maybe I should ask about that. But that's for another time. Today is just a day to listen. When Squall told me everything earlier, I think I developed a new interest in listening. The look in Squall's eyes, Raine's eyes, as he was telling me everything invoked a whole new range of emotion that I had never felt before. Rage, Contempt, Possession, Hate.
To Hymns of Offering?
Just thinking about it, all the emotions come rushing back to the surface. I do the one thing that I can think of doing to relieve the tension. I throw my empty glass against the floor of the balcony, causing the glass to shatter into a million tiny pieces.
"'Guna?" I hear my lover's soft voice break the silence. I turn around and step back inside. Kiros' dark skin contrasts greatly with the pale satin sheets, his hair mused from sleep. He is my dark angel. I couldn't live without him.
"I didn't mean to wake you." I whisper as I walk over and sit beside him on the edge of the bed. He reaches out and grabs my hand, knowing how to comfort me in the best possible way. Showing me all the support he ever needs to, he kisses my knuckles.
"It's natural to be worried. But there is nothing you can do at four in the morning. Come back to bed. You can go on a killing spree with Seifer in the morning."
Have we eyes to see?
I smile at the sight of Kiros rolling over and curling into my pillow. Hyne, I love him. He has always been there for me, always pushed me into the right direction. I often wonder what would have happened if we had given into our lust and passion before we left the army. Would I have met, fell in love with, married Raine? Would I have a son that I barely know? Would I have become president of the largest country on Gaia? I have always been able to see Kiros' love for me; I just never knew how to respond to it. I've never regretted the decision to marry Raine, nor do I ever wish I hadn't fallen in love with her. I think that if we hadn't, Kiros and I wouldn't be as strong as we are together. Besides, if I had never fallen in love with Raine, I wouldn't have Squall.
Love that's gathering.
I let out a sigh. Squall. I still can't believe what he is going through. But at least he has Seifer. I don't care that Seifer is the former Sorceress Knight, if there is something that he can do to help Squall; I want him to do it. I don't know if there is romantic love there, but there certainly is something between them. And for that, I am happy. I hope that the combined love from myself and Seifer is enough to pull Squall through whatever he is in. I let out what seems to be my millionth sigh tonight, before standing up from the bed and leaving my lover alone for the second time tonight.
All The words that I've been reading
I walk over to the desk and grab the papers off the top. Not wanting to wake Kiros a second time, I walk back over to the balcony to see the words I have had to read so many times today. Squall's medical exam results. The notes on broken bones, the diagram of the dark bruises that create a mosaic on his back, the amount of blood that he lost. I couldn't understand how someone so strong could allow something like this to happen to him. But then I thought it over again. He didn't allow it. He wouldn't. But then again, how well do I really know my son. After all, I know more about Dr. Odine than I do my own flesh and blood.
Have started the act of bleeding
I throw the papers onto the floor, unable to look at them any longer through my tears. I'll never forget the feelings that over took me when the doctor told me that Squall was barely alive and he wasn't sure how my son made it here in the condition he was in. Magic and Guardian Forces. That's how he kept himself alive enough to get here. All because he didn't know where else he could go to hide, no to escape from Dante. After the original once over by the doctor, Squall was whisked away into surgery to try and mend the worse of his injuries. Because of the amount that Squall junctions, the doctor refused to heal Squall with magic or potions, but to do it naturally. Squall didn't even argue. Now, he's lying quietly in his room with the strictest orders from the doctor that there is to be no strenuous activity or gunblade use for at least three weeks. Squall was definitely disappointed in that one, but I think he was more relieved that the doctor hadn't judged him, or treated him like someone higher up than anything.
I think that's what Squall was most afraid of. That someone would judge him before treating him. I can't begin to imagine what he goes through every time he goes out. Even I don't get the amount that he does. I really wish that I could take it all away. Unfortunately, I know I can't. But Squall is the strongest person I could ever hope to know. It seems that he rolls all his fears, hopes and faith into one emotion that he portrays all at once and yet never at all. How he does it, I don't think that anyone could ever hope to figure it out. I just hope that he hasn't written off happiness. I pray to Hyne, and every other deity up there that he will some day be as happy as I am, or even half as happy as I am would be enough.
So I walk upon high
I'm getting frustrated again, and I would really hate to wake Kiros up once more, so I walk back out onto the balcony. My eyes take in all the blue lights, the buildings, everything. To think that I am the president of all this. A lowly Galbadian soldier, who on a whim, abandoned his pregnant wife, to find an adopted daughter, and ended up over throwing a maniacal sorceress, only to be worshiped like a king. I don't know why the public doesn't just change my title; the sure as hell treat me like a king instead of a president. That's why I am out here on a seventh story balcony and able to look down on everything that I lead.
And I step to the edge
Seven stories. This is a little much, I often think to myself. And the funniest part of all this is that I am deadly afraid of heights. A silly fear, I know. But everyone is allowed something like that. Do I really have anything to be afraid of? Except that cliff that we, well, I jumped off of at the excavation site. So what if I pushed Kiros and Ward off? We were going to die there and going down kept us safe. Somewhat. But since that day, I have been terrified of heights. I know that I need to be strong and brave for Squall. And if I can't face a silly thing like a height, how can I hope to be strong for him? I take in a deep breath and take the few steps it takes to get to the edge and the railing. I reach out and grad the metal and hold on for sweet Hyne.
To see my world below.
In the sixteen years that I have been president and lived in this suite, this is the first time I have ever seen my city like this. A breeze blows up from below, the cool breeze feeling great on my flushed skin. If I can do this, overcome my greatest fear, I think I can overcome anything that is necessary to help Squall. I have only over come a fear or high places, but he has overcome so much more. In time, my greatest wish is that he can overcome the seventeen year barrier that has been placed between us, and someday be able to call me 'Dad' or 'Father', instead of just Laguna. But right now I am happy to not be called shit head, or fuck face, because, Hyne knows, it's all I deserve.
And I laugh to myself
That thought causes me to laugh. "President Fuck Face, could you please sign this peace treaty?" This is no time to be laughing, no matter how much serenity it brings to my thoughts. Squall is my first concern right now. Not Esthar, not Gaia, and as much as it pains me to think it, not even Kiros. My son needs all of me right now, not just the part that can be spared between meetings with Timber and Trabia, not a man only seen on a videophone, but the whole physical being that is Laguna Loire. But I have to remember that I know next to nothing about my son, and that's what hurts the most. I abandoned him for too long. As much as I know he needs me right now, I have no right to be there for him.
As the tears roll down
I feel something besides the wind on my face, so slowly I reach up and feel what's there. My fingers come in contact with the last thing that I expected. Wetness. I look up to the heavens to see if there is any rain falling, yet I am surprised when the wetness continues when there is no precipitation. That can only mean one thing. My emotions are finally catching up to me. The compound of Squall being hurt, thinking of Raine, my decisions of the past, everything that I have thought of over the last little bit is taking its toll on me. I am crying. I am crying for Squall, I am crying for Kiros, I am crying for Raine, I am crying for me. I walk over to the chair I was in earlier and allow myself to cry over everything.
Cause it's the World I Know
But as I sit here, the President of Esthar, crying my eyes out, one more thought starts to cross my mind. I am happy. I don't regret a single decision that I have made concerning my life. I may have missed out on Squall's childhood, but I rescued Elle and stopped a war and I have Squall now. I may have lost Raine, but I have gained a life long love with Kiros. For everything that has gone wrong, there have been so many good things. And I will apply the same thing to the situation with Squall. This is the darkest time that he will ever have to face, I hope. That can only mean that there will be something good that will happen to him. He definitely seems a little over due for happiness. And I will continue to be there for him in best possible way that I know how, whether it be as a father or just as a friend. But as long as everything works out and gets better the way it always does, because that's the world I know.
You didn't think that I wouldn't let Seifer go after him, did ya? I'm not that cruel. And the reason that Seifer got there so fast is because that he tortured Selphie and Irvy before they broke down and told him that Laguna was alive and in contact with Squall. They didn't last long. I think that it was important to show the point of view of an outside person…and by the way, the two cuties didn't pay attention to the no strenuous activities-)
Well, I hope that everyone has enjoyed this as much as I enjoyed writing it! Wait…did that sound as corny as I think that it did, lol? Anyway, thanks for all the support that everyone has given me. And I do have another story in the works right now, but I'm not making any promises when it will be out! So please R&R and I will see you all soon!