Warnings: Twincest, slash, stupidity
Summary: Tamaki gets upset over popcorn and the twins get better acquainted over his lap. Crackfic! Twincest, onesided TamakiHaruhi and TamakiTwins.
AN: This... came from no where when I was actually trying to write DEEP and MEANINGFUL fic. I obviously failed. Beware of the OOC, please. It was written with good intentions, I swear! XD
Disclaimer: Own? Me? If only.
"Oi, your majesty, pass the popcorn."
Tamaki frowned, keeping his eyes focused on the movie screen and his hands focused on keeping two pairs of greedy hands from his popcorn. He knew, instinctively, that the twins would get him to share eventually, but for now he was mad, and a mad Tamaki did not share. Especially with twins who went out of their way to destroy what could have been the most romantic evening of him life.
A soft nudge of an elbow into his right side. "Just a handful? Come on, that tub is as big as your head!"
"And that's saying something," An identical voice whispered, from his left. Tamaki slapped a sneaky hand away from his snack, eyes still fixed unwavering on the movie.
A seat to his right, past one annoying, stupid sibling sat Haruhi. Tamaki snuck a glance at her, eyes mournful. Oh, Haruhi. If only I could share my popcorn with you, he thought sadly.
/Two hours earlier/
Tamaki paused, lowering his cup of tea and dropping conversation with the group of adoring girls around him. He turned to Haruhi, making sure his most handsome smile was in place for her large, beautiful eyes to observe.
"I was wondering if you wanted to see a movie tonight," She- no, he, Tamaki reminded himself sternly, asked nonchalantly, shifting the tea tray sh- HE was holding to rest on her-his! hip. "I have a pair of tickets."
Instantly the girls around Tamaki squealed, fawning over the cute Haruhi asking the dashing Tamaki on a 'date.' Tamaki opened his mouth to respond (with a resounding YES, of course, but more subdued considering he should not be so excited as he was to go to the movies with a 'boy')-
Tamaki froze. Oh, no.
Haruhi waved a greeting at the twins, who had somehow appeared from nowhere, wrapping their arms insidiously around Haruhi's small shoulders. Tamaki could practically feel the steam coming from his ears. This was his Haruhi-date, dammit! HIS!
Haruhi shrugged. "Do you want to go to the movies, too?" She asked innocently, totally unaware of the twins' devious, dirty, underhanded ways. Tamaki bit his tongue, aware he was in the company of ladies. He would torture them later.
"Of course, Haruhi!" The twins chanted in perfect unison.
"How could we say no to such a cute face?" One added, pinching Haruhi's cheek. Haruhi batted his hand away.
"See you then." Haruhi said dully, turning and trotting off to her own group of chattering females. The twins gave each other a high five, which turned into a heated embrace, much to the delight of onlooking fangirls.
Tamaki's group gossiped excitedly, something about 'homo movie dates'.
Tamaki felt he made a horrible mistake.
And there Tamaki was, a lone bastion in the crowd, isolated from his one true love and surrounded by identical nuisances. How they had managed to cajole Tamaki into the seat between them was beyond him, as he was clearly going for the seat next to Haruhi- but the twins were tricky, and that was that.
Tamaki zoned out for a while after the twins gave up on his popcorn. There wasn't anything to do, really. One could not expect his keen mind to be interested in this pitiful commoner movie- its mundane plot was both predictable and stupid at the same time. He chewed a handful of popcorn remorsefully. Maybe he could take Haruhi out to eat after, or something to make up for this tragic incident. Surely she, a whole seat away, was missing his presence-
Something nudged his ankle. Tamaki balked. Was this place infested with rats! Another nudge, this time accompanied with a smothered giggle. He scowled, confused, until something ran up the inside of his calf. He jumped out of his seat, spilling his popcorn all over the movie-going plebian in front of him.
Two pairs of hands pulled him back into his seat amid sounds of protests from the crowd around them.
"I thought you were Kaoru." a voice hissed into his ear apologetically.
Another voice in his other ear. "So jumpy!"
Tamaki turned, furious, to face a twin- which one, he wasn't sure, really. "What was that for!"
"Aw, you spilt the popcorn."
"I didn't even get a piece."
"Serves you right!" Tamaki growled, crossing his arms. What a horrible night. Not only was he not in the middle of a romantic movie-session with wonderful, cute Haruhi, but he had also been molested and spilt his food.
The twins, however, were an unrelenting force, unwilling to let Tamaki sit and dwell on his horrible night in peace.
"Ah, Kaoru. You've got something on your shoulder." Ah, so it was Hikaru on Tamaki's right, leaning over him to talk to his brother. How very rude. Tamaki crossed his arms, ignoring them.
"H-Hikaru?" Or at least /trying/ to ignore them. Tamaki shuffled a bit in his seat. The tone of the twin's voices were horribly familiar, horribly... homo. Dread washed through Tamaki. Not here! Not in the commoner movie theater!
"Let me get it," Hikaru said, voice still movie-watching-level, and lunged.
A hand braced itself on Tamaki's knee, and before he could do anything about it Hikaru was arching over his seat, reaching for Kaoru. Tamaki watched in mute, horrified interest as a piece of stray popcorn was plucked from Kaoru's shoulder.
"Got it," Hikaru murmured, still using Tamaki's knee for leverage. He raised the popcorn to his lips; eyes fastened to his twin's, and made a show of eating the tiny morsel. Kaoru made a noise of appreciation, oogling him.
Tamaki stared at Hikaru's lips, so close, gleaming in the dim movie lighting from the greasy bit of popcorn. The hairs on the back of his neck were standing up, and vaguely he could hear Haruhi saying something to them, but he couldn't care less at the moment. His sweet, delicate flower could wait for a mere second...
"You..." Tamaki cleared his throat, staring as Hikaru lowered himself into his own seat. He was dazed, it must be all the homo-vibes the twins were releasing- they were going to his head. There was no other explanation to why Hikaru's lips looked so inviting at the moment. Pure... homo-vibes... "You have something on your lip." He managed, staring at Hikaru.
Hikaru leaned close to him, and Tamaki wondered if the whole movie theater could see them- which was preposterous, the place was almost pitch-black, but still. "Do I?" He breathed, face dangerously close to Tamaki's, breath smelling faintly of popcorn.
And then Kaoru was there, too, face too close. "Ah, Hikaru... you're such a messy eater." He lifted a hand, teeth glinting in the dark, peeking out of a wide grin, and raised his fingers to Hikaru's lips. "Let me get that."
Tamaki stared at them, dumbstruck, watching with large eyes. Kaoru took his time in wiping the stray crumb of popcorn from Hikaru's lips, their eyes locked he whole time. Tamaki gulped. Did someone turn up the thermostat?
And then, suddenly, not six inches from his face, there was a locking of lips unparalleled to any Tamaki had so far seen on the crappy commoner film they were supposed to be watching. He stared, not breathing well.
'Well,' the logical part of his brain reasoned. 'You have two twins making out on your lap. It would most likely be a good idea to shove them off, as people are most likely staring.'
But, sadly, Tamaki was not prone to listen to his logical side.
Tamaki's dramatic mind took over the situation, flinging him into one of his frequent day-dreams (never mind the fact it was night). There he was, in his super king sized bed, being fed grapes by the Hitachiin themselves while romantic music played in the background. He could see it now- ah, being romanced by twins, speaking soft words to them and having them adore him! Oh be still, his heart!
While, in reality, said twins were having quite the time making out over a zoned-out Tamaki, who was smiling goofily, trapped in his daydream.
Haruhi looked over when Kaoru made a particularly loud noise.
Well, that was that.
She shrugged and plucked a piece of popcorn off of Tamaki's shoulder and popped it in her mouth, returning to the movie.
It was at dinner, afterwards (which Tamaki had still managed to drag Haruhi to, despite her protests), that Tamaki was able to snap out of his strange twin encounter. They- the twins- had left the movies, curiously declining on dinner, and had finally left Tamaki with Haruhi to have the romantic evening Tamaki had been pining for.
When the twins had parted from them at the movies, Tamaki had stared at their retreating forms with what he would later deny as longing- the pleasant mental image of the grapes was one hard parted with, in his case.
He looked at Haruhi, who was stuffing her small face happily, and didn't regret his decision to come with her so much. In fact, now that the homo-vibes were wearing off, he now appreciated Haruhi's adorable presence more than ever.
Haruhi began to choke on a particularly large bite of some fancy, french food, and Tamaki handed her his water. They ate in peace for a while, then-
"You don't have a twin, do you? Just by chance?" Try as he may, Tamaki could not abandon his dramatic rendition of twins in his bed. Haruhi twins... Tamaki reminded himself that gentlemen such as himself did not drool. He wiped his chin delicately.
Haruhi shook her head. "Nope."
Tamaki tried again. "Are you sure?"
Haruhi frowned. "Totally sure."
Tamaki sighed, dramatically. That was that, then.
And it was.
AN: I AM SO SORRY. It's just, whenever the Hitatwins do anything gay... I am filled with this zany urge to write them making out. And Tamaki... well, you know it would only take a tiny puff of gay to steer him off of the road of heterosexuality. It's only a matter of time, really. XD
Again, please excuse this stupid piece of crackfic. I do hope you enjoyed, though:)