John and Sam paced anxiously as they watched Dean prone on the couch. It had been a few hours since Dean changed back and he still had not regained consciousness. Sam was increasingly worried and suggested taking Dean to the hospital a few times; an idea that was rebuffed by John each time.
Just when Sam thought he could not take anymore, Dean moaned as his eyes fluttered.
"Dean!" Sam exclaimed as he sprinted over to the couch and knelt by it.
Dean's eyes opened and he moaned as he tried to sit up. "Wha- the..." His voiced slurred as he tried to get his bearings. Sam reached over and tried to aid Dean. Dean batted his brother's hand away. "I'm fine." As he sat upright, he closed his eyes briefly as a wave of dizziness overtook him.
"How do you feel, son?" John asked.
For a moment, Dean's eyes widened when he saw his father standing there. 'When did he get here?' Dean thought to himself. Everything in his head seemed muddled. "I feel like I've been hit by a mac truck." He answered slowly as his eyes roamed around the room.
Sam watched Dean's behavior curiously as he looked upon him with concerned eyes. "Are you alright?"
"Yeah." Dean forced out; he felt a bit uncomfortable with the intensity of Sam's look. "I'm just tired I guess." Dean had an odd feeling in his stomach that he could not place.
He tried to stand, but felt a bit woozy as he swayed on his feet. Sam caught him in time before he fell back on the couch. "I've got it!" He snapped at Sam as the younger Winchester held onto his waist.
"Yeah, right." Sam replied. "You'd be kissing the floor if I didn't catch your ass."
"Fine, whatever." Dean shrugged.
"I'll help you upstairs so you can lay down." Dean reluctantly agreed as Sam led him to the stairs.
When they reached the second floor, he helped Dean into bed. It seemed Dean was nearly asleep on his feet. He lay him down and covered him with a blanket.
Dean opened his eyes briefly. "Thanks, Sammy."
"No problem, man." Sam answered.
"I'll see you in the morning." Dean added in a sleepy tone.
Sam stood there as his heart beat wildly. "Yeah." He forced his voice to speak. "I'll see you in the morning, big brother." Sam watched as Dean curled away from him and fell asleep. Sam made himself walk away. He closed the door to Dean's room and stood in the hallway for a few minutes. Tears came to his eyes as he leaned his back against Dean's door. He tried to keep the tears from falling, but he could not help it. He took a deep breath and crossed the hall to the other bedroom. He opened the door and lay down on the bed alone.
A few days later, John walked into the kitchen at 3:00am to grab a drink of water. When he turned the light on, he was startled to find that Sam had been sitting at the table.
Sam's eyes squinted at the sudden brightness in the room.
"Jesus, Sam." John said. His demeanor softened as he noticed the saddened look on his youngest son's face. "Couldn't sleep?"
"Yeah." Sam answered quietly.
John hesitated a bit before continuing. They had not had a civil conversation in awhile, but his son was clearly in need. He took a deep breath and sat down at the table. "Do you want to talk about it?" His voice was filled with concern.
Sam looked up at his father. His face void of emotion. "I don't think you want to hear what I have to say." He said so quietly, John had to strain to hear him.
John answered, "Sammy." John sighed. "I know we've had our problems, but I'm your father. You can tell me anything." He expected to hear a harsh retort to what he said. He watched as Sam turned his eyes downward to his hands.
"He doesn't remember." Sam said softly as his voice shook. When he looked up, a tear escaped from his eye. "I know I'm selfish. Why would I want Dean to remember the horrible things that happened to him...but..." He shook his head as he bit his lip. "I'm sure you're happy." He said plainly without accusation tinging his words. "This is what you wanted."
"Sam," John began as he placed a comforting hand on his son, "I know you have feelings for your brother...and I am not sure if I can ever accept that. But if you think that I take pleasure in seeing you hurting over the last few days, you're wrong."
Sam watched his Dad closely. He could tell he was being sincere. "I should be grateful. You know?" Sam stood and paced around the kitchen. "Dean is getting back to normal. He's acting like he did before everything. It's just..." He trailed off as it became too painful to speak.
"Sam," John added after some moments of silence, "things turn out a certain way for a reason." He walked over to his son and placed an arm on his shoulder in support. He felt Sam shuddering under his hand. "Sammy..." John said quietly as he gathered his grieving son in his arms.
"He promised...h-he said nothing would change..." Sam whispered. As if the weight of the last few months finally took its toll, Sam cried softly in his father's embrace.
It was late morning as John sat outside on the front porch. The door opened from the house.
"Dad." Dean said as he walked outside.
"Hey, Dean." John answered.
"Where's Sammy?" Dean asked as he looked around outside.
"He went for a run. He said he needed to clear his head."
"He's been awfully quiet. And kind of broody." Dean observed as he looked at his father.
John shook his head slightly in agreement. He cleared his throat before speaking. His tone was quiet. "Could say the same about you, Dean."
Dean huffed as he arched his eyebrows. "What do you mean?"
"Dean. Enough." John said softly. "What you're doing has to stop."
Dean's eyes became serious. "What I'm doing?"
"I can't imagine how hard this has been for you; but pretending like it didn't happen will not help either." He stopped talking as he saw Dean's cheek clench tightly as he looked down.
"I don't know what you're talking about." Dean said slowly as tried to keep his voice steady.
John stood up and walked over to Dean who had faced away from his father. "Not once in two days have you asked why we were here or what happened to you. Now,
if you really woke up in a strange place, Dean, you would have asked why. You would have asked what we fought that hurt you and if you killed it before it took you down." He paused and waited for a reply. When he didn't, John continued. "And when you think he's not looking, I see the way you watch Sam."
"Stop." Dean whispered. He paused for a time before continuing. "It's easier this way."
"For who, Dean? Pretending like you weren't attacked isn't healthy for you. And not facing Sam isn't either."
Dean turned to his father. "What are you saying?"
"I'm not saying I approve, but you two are grown. You'll make decisions independent of me." John smiled sadly. "I won't always be around, Dean. And you two boys will be all you have." John's chin trembled as he tried to get a hold on his emotions. He patted Dean's shoulder in support. "Just think about what I've said, son." He smiled at Dean and walked inside the house.
After dinner that night, Sam and Dean sat in the family room watching a movie. Each wanted to speak to the other, but they were having a hard time. They both looked up as they saw John walk in with his duffel bag.
"Boys." John said softly.
"Yes, sir." They both answered as they stood up.
"You're leaving." Sam stated plainly.
"Yes." He answered as he gazed at his sons. "It's time. I have to get back to the hunt." John sighed. "I'll keep in touch." He said as he noted the concerned look in both their eyes. "But, I may disappear for a while. I need to track the The Demon."
"We can help." Dean said emphatically.
"I know, Dean. And one day, I think we'll all face this thing together. But, for now, this is how it needs to be. Please understand." He paused as he watched his boys glance at each other; their unspoken bond communicating. They looked back at their father and nodded. John smiled and embraced each of his sons. "You take care of yourselves. You hear me? You stay as long as you like. Dean can build up his strength and you both rest before getting back on the road."
"Okay, dad." Dean answered as he teared slightly. They watched as John exited the house. After a few minutes, his engine roared to life and he drove off.
An awkward silence enveloped the room as Dean and Sam stood. After some time, Sam cleared his throat and tried not to look directly at his brother. He mumbled, "I'm going upstairs to read." Dean said nothing as he watched him walk away.
After reading the same page ten times, Sam grew frustrated as he lay on his bed. He threw the book across the room as he tried to take a few calming breaths. His head shot up suddenly when he heard a light tap on the door and Dean walked through.
"Hope that wasn't a library book, Sammy." Dean said in an attempt to lighten the tense air between them.
Sam glanced at the discarded text and forced a smile on his face. "Yeah." He said quietly.
"Look, Sam..." Dean voice shook slightly as he attempted to speak. His palms were sweaty as he felt himself perspire on his brow. He wasn't sure if he could continue, but one look at the despair in his brother's eyes, and he tried to go on. His voice was but a whisper. "I remember everything..."
Sam's eyes widened. "W-What?" He felt unsteady as he stood. "Then why?" Sam's eyes watered.
Dean turned away from Sam and stood in front of the window. "I...I don't know..." He replied quietly.
"Dean...please talk to me." Sammy pleaded. His breath caught when Dean turned back towards him. The older Winchester was breathing hard and slightly shaking from the emotion welled up inside him.
"I remembered..." Dean began slowly. "I remembered the next morning. I was so confused at first...but then it all rushed back. My attack..." Dean paused as he looked up at his brother. " I still felt like it happened to me." Dean's voice choked. "I still felt violated and scared..."
"You could come to me, Dean. You know that. I could help take care of you."
"Damn it, Sam!" Dean yelled. "That's not how it's should be!" He sighed heavily. "I'm supposed to be the one to..." He trailed off.
"What, Dean? You're the one who is supposed to take care of me? These last few months you needed me. For once in my life, I took care of you. Does that upset you so much?" Sam's voice rose. "Does it make you feel weak?" When Dean didn't answer, Sam knew he had stumbled upon the truth. He stepped closer to his brother. "It's not weak to need someone, Dean. I need you. I know that." He said quietly as Dean turned away, trying to hide the emotions on his face.
"And what about us, Dean?" Sam continued. "Did you want to pretend that we didn't share something special?"
"Sammy, don't." Dean said in a serious tone as he shook his head. "What we felt wasn't...real. We were just caught up in the moment."
Sam's mouth dropped open. "How can you say that?" He asked when he found his voice again. He gently grabbed Dean's shoulders and made him face him. "I didn't fall in love with you because you were a woman and you were hurt." Dean looked away. "I'm not going to leave, Dean. I love you. I think I probably always have. It's not wrong to feel this way." He paused as he watched Dean tear. "What are you afraid of?"
Dean shrugged out of his touch. "I'm not afraid!" He answered. "I just..."
"Tell me you don't love me." Sam said softly as his voice wavered as Dean turned again towards the window.
"I -I...don't love you." Dean replied as he hung his head.
Sam refused to believe him. "Look at me and say it." He heart pounded in his chest. He felt like everything was in slow motion as Dean faced him.
"I..." Dean felt himself stutter as tried to force the words out of his mouth.
"I need you, Dean. Just as much as you need me. I'm not going anywhere. I will fight for you as long as I have to." Sam said as a tear escaped his eye. "I love you...I love you..." A sob caught in his throat as he looked down. Suddenly he felt a warm hand caress his cheek and force him to look up.
"God, Sammy..." Dean breathed out as his green eyes stared into his brother's. "I love you so fucking much." He leaned up and placed his lips gently on Sam's. For a moment, Sam seemed shocked at the contact, but soon wrapped his arms around his brother's waist and relished the kiss. As their lips parted, they still embraced.
Sam leaned his forehead against Dean's. "This is our new beginning."
2 MONTHS LATER
"Sammy!" Dean yelled from the bedroom. "Where's my favorite huntin' knife?" Dean asked as he leaned over to finish packing his weapons bag.
"It's down here!" Sam shouted from the first floor.
"Okay!" Dean turned his attention back to his clothes. After placing his favorite jeans on the dresser for the morning he zipped up his bag. After two months, Dean and Sam were finally returning to the hunt. Dean had spent the time building up his strength. And after some gentle prodding and encouragement, Dean learned to share his feelings about his attack with Sam. The older Winchester made light at times that they were having so many chick flick moments, but he whole heartedly cherished the support his brother gave him. He realized that he did not always have to keep his walls up around Sam. He was lost in his thoughts when he suddenly felt Sam snake his arms around him from behind.
Sam whispered in his ear, "Penny for your thoughts." He could tell Dean wanted to speak, so he gave him time.
"Despite why we came here," Dean began, "this kind of feels like home." He said softly.
"Do you want to stay longer?"
"No. I'm itchin' to get back on the hunt." He said with a smile as he turned around to face his brother. Sam leaned down and kissed him chastely. "But..." Dean hesitated as he bit his lip. "I want the first time, to be in a special place."
Sam arched his eyebrow. "Dean?"
"Make love to me, Sammy." Dean whispered.
"Are you sure? Do you think you're ready?"
"Yes." Dean breathed out as he grabbed Sam's hand and led them to their bed. As they stood in front of the bed, they began to kiss and as they continued, their passion intensified. They found themselves practically tearing their clothes off of the other. Sam gently placed Dean down on the bed. He groaned as their nude skin came in contact.
"Sammy..." Dean breathed out as he felt him licking his neck and then sucking at his hardened nipples. Sam continued to move down and suddenly Dean nearly arched when Sam engulfed him. "Oh God...so good...Sammy..."
Sam hummed as he sucked as he lightly fondled Dean. His own neglected member seemed to be getting harder and harder with every sound coming form his brother.
"Sam!" Dean screamed as his release slammed through him. He was breathless. "Sammy...wow..." Was all he could say.
Sam looked up and grinned at his brother as he got up for a moment. He rummaged through the bedside drawer and retrieved some lube and a condom. Before opening the foil, Sam asked, "Are you sure? I mean...you can if you want." Sam extended the packet to his brother, but Dean shook his head.
"No. I want to now what it feels like for you to be in me." Dean replied and they both smiled at the other. Sam placed the condom on and was generous with the lube. He talked his brother through the initial discomfort; he promised he would never hurt him. And when Sammy finally slid in, they could both describe the feeling: it felt like home.
Thanks to all who reviewed my first Supernatural story. I have enjoyed writing it.
I'm thinking about possibly continuing the 'AN UNEXPECTED TWIST VERSE'' where Dean never turns back and we see what life is like for Sammy and girl!Dean...it would be a lot lighter than the angst fest I just wrote...I'm just mulling it around in my head...