Notes/Warning: This story definitely earns its M rating - the pairing and the title should give you some idea how. I'm fairly sure it stays within the site guidelines, but, you know, if cracked-out threesome fic doesn't sound like your thing? Feel free to hit the back button now.
Hot Lesbian Sex and Other Misnomers
When Cuddy and Cameron decided to move in together, even though it was close to three months after they first started seeing each other, House still felt justified in making many jokes regarding lesbians bringing u-hauls on their second date.
Eventually, Cuddy snapped and pointed out that he'd moved in with Stacy without even bothering with the second date. At which point he went to tell his jokes to Wilson instead, because it was no fun when Cuddy had better ammunition that he did.
All the same, to show there were no hard feelings, and that he fully supported their groovy new alternative lifestyle, he sent them a housewarming gift.
They never actually indicated whether they liked their copy of Carmen Electra's Aerobic Striptease dvd. But, he reasoned, they were probably just too busy learning how to give the perfect bunz-tightening lapdance to let him know.
It was no surprise, then, that when the two of them showed up at his door one evening, the first thought that passed through his mind was that they'd grown tired of practicing on each other, and were seeking out a more discerning audience.
'Mind if we come in?' Cuddy asked, her fingers nervously catching and releasing Cameron's as they stood side by side in his doorway.
'You're not the lesbians I ordered, but you'll do.' He stepped aside.
Cuddy settled for rolling her eyes at him as she passed. Cameron was in a snarkier mood.
'Dial-a-lesbian? Remind us to get that number off you before we go,' she said.
Cuddy had been such a bad influence on her. Not that he disapproved.
When the two of them were standing in the middle of his living room looking awkward, he moved past them to sit on the couch, handily creating a lap, should either of them want to dance in it. He was getting the feeling, though, that this visit wasn't going to have nearly as much to do with Carmen Electra and her sassy brand of fitness as he would have liked.
This suspicion was confirmed the second Cuddy opened her mouth.
'We want to ask you something.'
'It's personal, so we didn't want to bring it up at work,' Cameron added.
They were both just standing there looking down at him. A lesser man would have been intimidated. House was merely intrigued. And slightly intimidated.
'You want to ask me something. Is the question to be presented in charade form or -'
'We want to have a baby,' Cuddy blurted out.
He glared at her. Carmen Electra never said anything so unsexy.
He was starting to suspect they hadn't even watched the dvd. He could picture it, still with its plastic seal intact, buried under a pile of Sex and the City box sets. It was sad.
'House?' Cuddy ventured when he didn't respond.
Cameron took a fortifying breath. 'The thing is, we want you to be our sperm donor.'
That... was not sad, he thought. That was horrifying. He opened his mouth to tell them so.
'Before you say anything,' Cuddy jumped in, holding up her hands, 'Hear us out.'
'But 'hell no' is such a quick solve - rolls right off the tongue.'
'We've been thinking about this for a while, considering our options.' Cuddy was ignoring him now. 'This isn't easy for us, coming to you. We knew there'd be a good chance you'd...'
'Be a jerk about it,' Cameron interjected bluntly.
'But there were important factors that lead us to choose you.'
'Because I'm lonely and bitter? Hard up for a date? Good breeding stock? Stop me when I'm getting warm.'
Cameron gave him one of her wide-eyed, earnest expressions. 'Mostly it's because we both know and trust you.'
Cuddy rolled her eyes. 'Just listen. We've got it all worked out - just a quick and painless contribution from you, and then you never have to think about it again if you don't want to.'
He looked back and forth between them. 'Which one of you is doing it?'
They exchanged a glance, breaking into identical self-conscious smiles as they did.
'Well,' Cameron began, 'You see, our cycles synchronised months ago, and we're both ovulating right now...'
'And if we both try to conceive, it doubles our odds -'
'Or we might even end up with twins. Sort of.'
'But at least one of us will, hopefully - probably her.' Cuddy shrugged, looking over at Cameron, who turned and reached for her, wide-eyed.
'We've talked about this - there's no reason to think you won't -'
'I'm almost forty, my chances of conceiving are much lower than yours - we have to take that into consideration.'
'I don't want you to feel bad. I might not either.'
Cuddy raised her hand to Cameron's cheek. 'It's okay sweetie, this will be our baby, no matter which one of us actually gives birth to her.'
He made a disgusted face. There was so much oestrogen in the room right now he could practically feel his testicles shrinking.
'You realise you might end up with a Y-chromosome - won't that spoil all your pastel fun?'
'We'd be perfectly happy with a boy,' Cameron protested, finally turning her attention back to him.
'But we're keeping our fingers crossed for a girl anyway,' Cuddy finished unapologetically.
It was getting ridiculous, the way they kept completing each other's sentences. Apparently they'd decided to share a brain back around the time they'd started coordinating mood swings and wearing each other's shoes.
Or maybe they were just happy and in love. But that was no excuse.
'No matter how gross and icky boys are, you still need one to make your perfect little girl. Isn't biology ironic?'
'No.' That one he got in stereo, along with matching frowns.
Cuddy pressed on with a shake of her head, 'Anyway, what do you think?'
'If you need time to think about it,' Cameron offered benevolently, 'We could put it off till tomorrow, but today's really better time-wise.'
'And me without a specimen cup. What a shame.'
'Come on, House,' this from Cuddy, 'It's not like you're doing anything else with it.'
'Sure,' he shrugged, 'A magazine, a quick trip to the bathroom, gravity and a turkey baster do the rest - you're all set. And then what? Suddenly I'm being hit up for every birthday, Christmas and Hanukkah - I have no interest in being stuck with some kid with two mommies and some strange ideas about where babies come from.'
'We didn't think you would - that's kind of why we're asking you,' Cameron pointed out dryly.
'We're not looking for a third parent, House. We just want your sperm.'
'I'm picky about where I leave my DNA. Inside the reproductive tracts of two ovulating females is not high on my list of desirable locations.'
'You'd be helping us.' Cameron gave him the puppy-dog eyes, which had absolutely no affect on him, thankfully.
'I don't do favours. It goes against everything I believe in.'
Cuddy shared a long look with Cameron then.
'Well, we thought you might say that,' she began slowly, before turning back to him. 'We're willing to make it worth your while.'
He considered them, eyes narrowing.
'How?' he demanded.
'Well,' Cameron said, 'A syringe and a cup of semen - it's so impersonal, isn't it?'
He lifted an eyebrow, his interest sparked. On cue, Cuddy's arm moved around Cameron's waist, thumb drawing idle little circles on her hip. She gave him a pointed look.
'We thought you might be more open to the idea if we took the artificial out of the insemination.'
'You think I'm that easy?'
'You can't tell us you've never thought about it,' she countered.
Of course he'd thought about it. He was male, and alive. But he still wasn't about to just lose all sense of reason. And that reason was currently reminding him he had no interest in being responsible for any increases in the population.
'House? Just watch,' Cuddy instructed, before turning to Cameron. 'Okay?'
Cameron nodded. And then Cuddy was kissing her. It was neither chaste, nor brief. He could see their tongues.
Cuddy's fingers were skirting the hem of Cameron's shirt before lifting it and slipping underneath, and Cameron was making this soft little whimpering noise against Cuddy's lips and...
And on the other hand, he reflected, what did he care if some kid had his hair or nose or stunning intellect, as long as he didn't have to deal with two am feedings or college fees?
'Okay,' he announced.
They stopped kissing and looked over at him, still wrapped around each other and slightly out of breath.
'Sure.' He patted his lap. 'All aboard the babytown express. Who's first?'
Cuddy gave him a withering look and drew back enough to take Cameron's hand.
'Bedroom, House,' she snapped.
'We'll see you in there.' Cameron grinned at him over her shoulder as Cuddy pulled her out of the room.
He sat there a moment longer, because it was much easier to think when they weren't canoodling right in front of him. What it came down to was that there were lesbians in his bedroom, and they were willing to have sex with him. Yes, they were just doing it to get their hands on a few hundred million of his sperm. Nevertheless, today, he thought, life was good.
Feminine laughter, low and intimate, drifted down the hallway. He picked up his cane and got to his feet in a hurry.
When he reached the bedroom they were standing near the foot of the bed. Cuddy was just finishing taking Cameron's hair out of its ponytail, and they were whispering to each other. They glanced up as he came in.
'Thanks for coming,' Cuddy smirked at him.
'Don't thank me yet,' he replied. Hooking his cane over the doorknob, he limped the rest of the way and lowered himself to the bed.
He looked at them expectantly. They looked back at him. Finally it was Cameron who tired of doing that, and took the situation to a whole new level by pulling off her top. Cuddy followed suit, shrugging out of her jacket and kicking off her shoes. He bent down for what only seemed like a few seconds to remove his socks, but when he looked back up Cameron was already stepping out of her jeans and Cuddy's shirt was unbuttoned, and then it was gone too - and it was a miracle he managed to get anywhere after that, with the striptease he'd previously despaired of getting going on three feet away.
Especially when he took in what they were wearing underneath it all. Cameron was in sheer white lace, Cuddy in black silk. He knew they'd planned this ambush, but he had to ask.
'Do you always colour-coordinate your lingerie?'
'Of course we do.'
'We're lesbians, aren't we?'
Part of him acknowledged that they were joking, but it didn't matter. He was never going to be able to not think about that, ever, ever again.
That was when they started touching each other. Deliberately casual, hands all over the place, stroking and touching and... squeezing. That, plus Cuddy reaching behind her to unhook her bra and pull it off, only to send it sailing through the air in his direction - they were doing it on purpose. Putting on a show. As if he needed any help getting in the mood at this point. Or maybe it was just that Cuddy was evil. And that Cameron wanted to be just like her girlfriend when she grew up.
They were evil lesbians seducing him for his seed. He was sure there was something harkening back to ancient mythology warning hapless males about this very thing. He couldn't think what, though, far too busy staring at Cuddy's ass as Cameron slid those tiny black panties down her legs.
'Look at that,' Cuddy was glancing around at him, 'He's speechless.'
'For once in his life.'
'We should remember this tactic.'
He found his voice again. 'Please do.'
They grinned in tandem, amused.
'Do you need some help over there?' Cameron nodded down at him.
His feet were bare and his pants were undone, and he'd gotten one arm out of his shirt.
'I've forgotten how the rest goes?'
Cuddy snorted but crossed the distance to him - she was naked now and not at all self-conscious about it, with Cameron, still in her underwear, at her heels. They spared no time getting his shirt off the rest of the way and yanking his t-shirt over his head. He was pushed down onto his back as his pants and boxers were tugged down. He closed his eyes at that point, because he knew Cameron was taking the opportunity to gawk at his leg. He didn't want to see that. At the first touch of lips closing over his nipple, however, he opened them back up to find her bent over his chest instead. Excellent, he thought. She'd been distracted by his manly physique.
Cuddy abandoned his pants down at his ankles and joined them at the head of the bed. She went for his jaw and neck, teeth scraping over his stubble.
Pausing, she muttered, 'Don't you ever shave?'
He peered down her body towards the neat little thatch of hair and offered, 'I appreciate that you did.'
For that, her teeth went to work on his other nipple, none too gently.
He winced, his mouth forming a silent 'ow', which turned into an audible, 'I'm fine with the vampire thing, just as long as you don't turn me into one of your kind.'
They were as much sex kittens as vampire women right now, though. The two of them were all smooth pale skin, sweet curves and soft fleshy bits that brushed against him randomly - and not so randomly - as they worked him over. He slid a hand up Cameron's back, wondering if he could grab a handful of Cuddy's ass.
As it turned out, he could, but she only tolerated it for a moment before taking hold of his wrist and pinning it beside his head. Then with her other hand she reached down and grasped his cock. She quickly had him fully erect and gasping, doing things to him no respectable lesbian would ever admit to knowing how to do.
It was a crime, he thought, that this woman wasn't straight, when clearly she should spend all her time pleasuring men. He decided to tell her so.
'Bite me,' she replied.
Turning his head, he attempted to do just that, teeth nipping at her hand which was still keeping his arm immobile. When he couldn't quite reach, however, he settled for licking her. It worked - Cuddy made a face somewhere between exasperated and grossed out and released him, reaching for Cameron instead, drawing her into a slippery, open-mouthed kiss across his chest.
'You go first,' Cuddy said when she drew away. Then her eyes flickered to his, adding matter-of-factly, 'She's always wanted to do this, you know.'
'What, get knocked up?'
'No, have you, House, totally at her mercy.'
Suddenly Cameron was kicking off her panties and throwing a leg over him.
'God,' he bit out involuntarily as the damp heat between her legs came into contact with him.
He looked up at her, sitting confidently astride, hands splayed on his stomach, and at Cuddy, head propped in her hand as she played with the hair on his chest. They both, he realised, really meant business.
'Not too late for a condom, ladies,' he said.
Cuddy shook her head, her expression mild. 'We wouldn't be here if we wanted you to wear a condom, House. That's the point.'
'I could have the clap for all you know.'
It was Cameron shaking her head this time. 'You're clean.'
'All staff is encouraged to be screened regularly,' Cuddy reminded him. 'And your last test was about a month ago, as I recall. You've been your usual grouchy self since then, so I doubt you've had the opportunity to pick anything up.'
'You looked in my file?'
'Have you ever looked at mine?'
'Who me? Never. I hope that yeast infection cleared up okay, though.'
'Both of you shut up,' Cameron said, rather shortly, as she chose that moment to take hold of him and lower herself down.
He sucked in a quick breath, all focus suddenly zeroed in on that tight wet heat pulling at his cock. She lifted herself up and sat back down a few times, a look of concentration on her face as she got comfortable with him inside her.
He let the breath out slowly. 'Keep doing that,' he told her, hands moving to her thighs.
'You mean this?' Her words were as teasing as her movements.
He could live with that. 'Yeah.'
Beside him Cuddy sat up and reached for her girlfriend - probably jealous of all the attention he was getting. When all she appeared to want, though, was to pull off Cameron's bra, he couldn't help but approve.
Cameron had nice breasts. Nicer than her boring work outfits tended to suggest. Cuddy's influence, sadly, had yet to extend to Cameron's necklines. Comparing the two of them, Cuddy had a full cup size on her and then some, but still - these were nothing to turn his nose up at.
Moving his hands up from where they were resting on her hips he reached for them - and was thwarted. Cuddy had gotten there first. She'd snuck around while he was distracted and taken up position kneeling behind Cameron. At least she was keeping her weight off his thighs - something he definitely would have noticed, but now she was pressed against Cameron's back, hands reaching around to cover her breasts.
'No fair Cuddy,' he protested, 'You've got your own to play with.'
'Keep your hands to yourself,' she sniped back, slapping him away when he stretched up again.
'Stop fighting over me,' Cameron drawled, her head leaning back to rest on Cuddy's shoulder. 'It's really not necessary.'
She looked amazing, her slender body arching forward. And this, at least, was a view he alone got to appreciate - that and the feel of her, slick and warm, surrounding him as she rocked above him.
Mollified, he settled for moving his thumb from the crease of her thigh to find her clit. She breathed out in an audible rush at the touch.
'Oh that feels good,' she murmured.
He smiled. It was nice to contribute. He rubbed back and forth, applying gentle pressure, and she quickened her pace in response, pushing herself more firmly against him and his hand.
When she came a short time later, crying out as her body clenched tight around him, he had no trouble following that triple cocktail - heat, friction, stunning visuals.
'Ooooh yeah,' he groaned happily as he gripped her hips and his heels dug into the mattress, seeking out that blinding, toe-curling pleasure.
And as he lay there after, coming down, he tried not to think about what might have just been set into motion, his little swimmers sent on their merry way. It wasn't as if he could take it back now, anyway.
He cracked an eye open. Cuddy was peering at him over Cameron's shoulder, the younger woman leaning back limply in her arms.
'My turn,' she said.
'Yeah,' he replied. 'I'm going to need a minute.'
'Fine,' she huffed, and clambered off him.
'That's okay,' said Cameron, crawling after her, seemingly quite happy to turn her attention back to her girlfriend. 'We'll just keep ourselves amused.'
They proceeded to pretend he didn't exist.
First there was a marathon make-out session stretched out alongside each other, giving him a nice view of Cameron's ass, and how it looked with Cuddy's hands on it. Things turned from languorous to heated after a while, as Cameron pushed Cuddy over onto her back, pinning her shoulders as her mouth found a nipple. Her knee pushed between Cuddy's legs, pressing against her, and this, he suddenly realised, was like the best lesbian soft-core porn ever. That he was witnessing live, in his bedroom, from less then two feet away.
He watched, rapt, as Cuddy played with herself and Cameron moved down her body to nuzzle her hip. Then Cuddy's fingers slid into Cameron's hair, and Cameron's tongue slid into Cuddy's -
That did the trick all right. He reached a hand of his own down to help things along. He was a man in a lesbian's world - they weren't going to let him join in again until he was ready to deliver the goods.
Things were definitely starting to look up again now, though, with Cameron on her knees, ass in the air, mouth working between Cuddy's thighs - Cuddy, with one hand buried in those soft brown strands, the other up covering her own breast, twisting the nipple between thumb and forefinger.
Cuddy's slow, steady writhing became more pronounced, as did the breathy little sounds she was making at the back of her throat - which he made sure to commit to memory for future reference. Then she was coming, head thrown back, back arching up off the mattress. The tableau the two women presented in that moment more than enough to have any man - even a forty-something drug-addict cripple - ready for an encore performance.
Cameron shifted between Cuddy's thighs. Climbing back up to stretch out above her, she cupped Cuddy's face with her hands and brought their lips together. They kissed tenderly.
He cleared his throat. Loudly.
'Hi,' he said when they looked over. He gave them a wave with his free hand.
'Okay, let's get this over with,' Cuddy sighed, gesturing at him rather impatiently.
But as he moved over, replacing Cameron on top of her, she was smiling that wry smile up at him. She even let him kiss her, which was nice. And only rolled her eyes when he realised this was the perfect opportunity to feel her up. Which was nicer.
Cuddy, being nice - he'd always suspected that might happen after she'd gotten some. Now he had proof.
Cameron was reaching down between them then and helping guide him inside. Cuddy hissed a little at the intrusion, sensitive from her orgasm, he thought. Or possibly he was just that impressive. Then her hands were on his hips, yanking him into her hard.
'Hurry up and get on with it,' she growled.
So much for the afterglow.
'She ever this impatient with you?' he ground out, glancing over at Cameron as he started to move.
She was curled up to Cuddy's side now, and smirked back at him. 'Sometimes, when we're -'
'Hey!' Cuddy protested. 'Stop right there.'
'Yeah Cameron, can't you see this is no time to be sharing?'
'Please don't encourage him,' she requested sweetly. 'And you,' she pulled her knees up on either side of him and dug her heels into his ass, 'Giddyap.'
'You've got to be kidding,' he puffed, as they both dissolved into giggles, Cameron turning and burying her face against Cuddy's shoulder. 'Right, laughter's really gonna help.'
Weight braced on his forearms, he just hoped his leg - already starting to protest all the excessive use - would hold out a little longer. The exertion was wearing on him, though, as he drove into Cuddy's body. Beneath him she'd stopped laughing at least, and was rolling her hips up to meet him instead. It wouldn't take much longer if she'd only keep quiet for a minute. The thought came too late as her hand slid behind his neck and she lifted her head so her lips hovered near his ear.
'Come on House,' she urged in a hot, throaty whisper. 'Or does Cameron need to strap on a dildo and show you how it's done?'
And then it was all over.
Ten seconds later Cuddy was pushing him off her. He rolled over with a groan, lying prone on his back, one leg hanging over the side of the bed. He stared up at the ceiling, feeling the mattress jostle under him as the two women continued to move around.
He stayed right where he was for a few long minutes, enjoying that just-fucked feeling. Then the endorphins ebbed away and his much-abused leg started to make its displeasure known. And his pills were out in the living room. Dragging himself up, he grabbed a handy pair of pyjama bottoms hanging over the footboard and pulled them on as he stood - gingerly.
Then he turned and took stock of the situation.
There were two naked lesbians in his bed, with their butts on his pillows and their feet in the air. Their hands between them were joined, fingers of their outer hands firmly crossed, as they lay there with their eyes closed tight. Thinking girly thoughts, he assumed.
He could also, he realised, be witnessing some bizarre lesbian mind-melding ritual.
'Well my presence is clearly no longer required. I'm going to go watch TV,' he announced sourly, rounding the foot of the bed. 'Happy conceiving.'
'What are you whining about?' Cuddy said, eyes now open and tracking towards him as he hobbled to the door. 'You just got laid. Twice. And if it doesn't take, we'll be back here in a month to try again.'
'Admit it,' Cameron's voice, softer and definitely warmer, 'You had fun.'
'I admit nothing.'
Especially not with this strange, conflicted feeling growing at the thought he might have to go through this more than once.
He reached the door.
'House?' Cameron again.
He sighed, and turned back.
'You got any magazines?'
He stared at her.
'We've got to lie here for half an hour,' she elaborated. 'It's kind of boring.'
'I think there's a Penthouse in the nightstand. You can share it.'
'How about the non-pornographic kind?' Cuddy suggested.
He rolled his eyes. 'You're barking up the wrong sperm donor. I'm fresh out of the Advocate.'
'You can't throw us a couple of medical journals? Or even one of those trashy tabloids? You've got a whole stack of them on your coffee table - I saw them.'
'No. The two of you can just lie there, and think about what you've done.'
He grabbed his cane off the door handle and actually made it out into the hall before Cuddy spoke up again.
'House? Could you at least bring me a glass of water, then? I'm thirsty.'
'Me too,' Cameron added. 'Really thirsty.'
Reaching back into the room, he took hold of the door and pulled it firmly shut. Only to hear the sound of muffled laughter from the other side.
Naked lesbians or not, he thought, as he sought the comforting refuge of his couch and his vicodin and his television, there was no way this was worth it. Give him a nice, low-maintenance hooker any day.
Reaching for the remote, he set about cancelling his L-Word season pass. And tried to stifle the creeping fear that he might not be as virile as he thought.