Name: Heat Stroke.

Author: Taco taco of doom

Rating: M for safety, swearing, shounen-ai/slight yaoi and minor limeage.

Pairing: EnvyxEd, minor EnxySloth if you use a magnification glass.

Status: Complete oneshot


Hot, hot, hot.

If it was anything, it was hot.

The air was muggy and hot, random mosquitoes buzzing past. No one wanted to move enough to swat at them. The trees were still, their dance stilled as no wind was blowing to spare the people of Central this torture.

Envy glared at the sun, painfully hurting his pupils in the process. Damn it. Nothing was going his way today.

In the morning, Dante, having drunk around four bottles of wine the night before, (hic… That bastard doesn't know what he's… hic… missing!) had a massive hangover and threw the remaining homunculi out of the house. Upon noticing the heat (which was instantly), Envy started on his way to the nearest pub, promptly tripping over a cat that happened to stray in front of his path. He hadn't even gotten to beat the creature up, as it scurried away while he was still vividly cursing at random passerbys that were unfortunate enough to snicker at his humiliating stumble.

His parting gift to the empty bar (which had closed due to heat) was a kick through the middle of the wooden door. The palm tree managed to trudge over to the park where he flopped down, defeated on an isolated bench.

Which was where he was when his brain melted out of his eyes and onto the ground.
Hypothetically, of course.

Envy groaned. Sloth was with Pride-the-fuck today, so he didn't want to go down to the military-hall-whatever to flirt with her.

"LIGHTBULB!" The homunculus abruptly jumped up and yelled, disturbing a few innocent witnesses for the second time that day. He glared that anyone that dared glance in his direction.

Snickering to himself, monster Envy headed off in the direction of the military's base, earning a few whistles from random males that had mysteriously popped up from no where just for the sake of this sentence. (AN: Srsly, with that outfit. I'm surprised he's not attracting like, rapists, the fat 60 yr old losers who live in their mother's basement rapists. Or maybe he does, he just beats the shit of them before they can do anything.)

After all, torturing the chibi is fun in rain or shine, snow or hail, blistering heat or… Oh fuck with it, Envy thought with a chuckle. He kicked a random can out of the way and hit a hobo in the eye.


There was a lot of things Edward hated. Failure, hailstorms, Winry's wrenches, and rabid fangirls.

But most of all, he hated colonel fuck.

After informing the chibi alchemist about his crucial mission, (aka. a date) Mustang had stuck Ed with all his unfilled papers, all of which were due in five hours.Despite his stream of rantings, the blonde dutifully did the assigned work (thanks to the almighty glove of doom). Not without grumbling though.

Ed had just finished a large portion of the damned paperwork when he noticed that his window was being forcibly pushed open from the outside, which he thought was strange since his room was on the 5th story.

And just when the alchemist thought this day couldn't get any worse.

Envy popped through the window, swearing colorfully about the rust on the windowsill. Edward felt like imploding.

"Great," He mumbled, keeping his head low and trying his hardest to ignore the oncoming homunculus.

Envy promptly sat on the unfinished paperwork, forcing the blonde to look up at him with a piercing glare. "What do you want, palm tree?"

The eldest homunculus pulled his knees to his chest and pouted, giving Ed an innocent look. "You wound me, chibi. Are you not happy to see me, hmm?"

"NO, I'm not. And don't call me chibi."

"You're sweating, chibi," Envy went on, ignoring Ed's protests. "Why?"

The alchemist gave him a withering look. "You haven't noticed the heat? It's hot enough to kill a… well… homunculus." Envy shrugged, ignoring the last part of the prementioned sentence. "A bit."

"If you could get off my paperwork, that'd be nice." Edward said as calmly as he could possibly sound while grinding his teeth together.

"Aw, did the big bad colonel make you do his work… Again?" Silence. The homunculus chuckled. "You're too funny, chibi.

"But really. Can't you stop sweating now? You're starting to smell." He fanned himself with his hand. Ed groaned. "Well-"

"It's no wonder, really," Envy cut him off, earning another glare. Edward fingered his pencil angrily when the palm tree gestured toward his pants. "With those leather pants, even an igloo would feel hot."

"Igloos are inanimate objects, and can't feel-"


"I happen to like these leather pants," the tiny alchemist continued. "What other option do I have?"

"Taking them off."

Ed's scream caused a majority of the birds sitting on the roof of headquarters to fly away in fear.

"Are you fucking insane?" the blonde yelled. "HAS ALL THAT HAIR CLOGGED YOUR BRAIN?" (AN: CAPSLOCKANGST!1)

Envy smirked and slid of the desk, falling very ungracefully on top of chibi. Ed blushes quite vividly when lying of top of, the homunculus made a mental note to himself. He shook his head in a pitying sort of way.

"Tut tut, chibi," He sighed dramatically. "Do I have to do everything for you?" His pale hand moved downward, his index finger slowly tracing an invisible line down the side of his captive's torso. Ed struggled, blushing harder. "Don't you… Dare."

Envy's smirk widened. He leaned down and ran his tongue along the ride of the alchemist's neck, slow and catlike. "You don't like?" He purred quietly. A quick glance at your door reassured him that no one would come in, as the lock was firmly in place. Wonder what… no, who chibi was worrying about coming in? That silly chibi.

Ed opened his mouth to gasp out an answer, losing his chance once Envy clamped his mouth firmly on top of his. Slipping his tongue into Edward's mouth, the homunculus murmured seductively. "How about now, hmm?"

Reluctantly moving his hands to his lover's chest, the blonde tried in vain to push Envy away, letting out a short whimper. Envy wrapped his lean arms around tbe blonde's waist, kissing him rougher.

Eventually, both broke for air, flushed and panting. Envy nuzzled his face into the crook of Edward's neck and gave him a small lick, humming quietly."Chibi," Envy murmured into Ed's neck, playing with a strand of the blonde's flaxen hair, twirling it around onto his index finger.

"…Yes," Edward gasped softly.

Whatever the eldest homunculus was about to say next was cut off by a sharp knocking on the door of Elric's room, causing the two to flinch.

"I'll snap and I'll snap and I'll burn your door down!" Mustang's voice boomed from the hallway. Edward rolled his eyes and glanced at Envy, who scowled but reluctantly lifted himself off of his toy, mumbling below his breath, something about brutally killing the human race.


"Yeah, I'm coming," Ed growled, shooting another glance at the palm tree who was making his way to the window, hands in the pockets of his loincloth.

Fullmetal skitted to the door, a plain door made of wood with a rusted brass knob. He pulled open the door to come face-to-face with a scowling Mustang. Ok, not quite face-to-face. More like face-to-chest-area.

"Did you finish my- your paperwork, Fullmetal?" Asked the colonel, trying to sound professional and failing sadly. Edward blushed inwardly. Shit. Envy's little… distraction had caused him to forget all about the damned papers. "Um…"

Roy sauntered past the flushed chibi and walked to the wooden desk where the paperwork was scattered messily over the surface as a result of being sat on by Envy. Picking them up, Mustang flipped through them until he got to the unfinished sheets. He groaned.

"Guess I'll have to finish them." He glared that Ed, who glared right back.

A small, folded sheet of paper flitted down from the messy stack that was held by Roy. The latter bent down to pick it up.

"It's for you," He announced bluntly and handed it to Edward, who stared at the cover. His name was written in small, fancy hand writing, old fashioned script, obviously written in a sparkly green pen.
Ed opened his mouth to speak. Nothing came out.

Roy, not wanting to even know, walked as calmly as he could out of the room, knowing he needed to finish them soon before Hawkeye blew his brains out with her handy-dandy gun.

Edward sighed and unfolded the letter, his eyes following the fancy script writing.


I'll come visit you another day, don't you worry your silly little chibi head about it. Maybe a day when it's cooler, no? A better time for heat.

No shit,


Ed blushed to himself, refolding the letter and sliding it into his pants pocket, which luckily he still on. (AN: Tch. Unfortunately for us, the fangirls.)

The heat of noon hadn't faded. Rather, it had amplified. In a way only two knew of.


It's Taco-licious!




I'm. Horrible. At. Writing. Kissing & stuff. D8 SPARE MEEE.

I need to stop writing these oneshots.

HOLYSHIT. I'm so sorry about the ending. DX I could not think of anything. ;x; I'm sorrrrrrrry. +curls up in a ball+ I ruined it.

Um so. Plz excuse my horrible writing skills. I TRIED MY HARDEST. & Roxanne or whatever shit-stupid latin name you use on here, shut the fuck up.

note: that little part about the fancy script writing wasn't my idea. XD umm… It was from an envyxed fic about the boxer shorts. / forgot the name… sry. But it was awesome. & I thought the part about his writing was genius. x

Reviews are squee'd at, flames are laugh'd at.

Taco out.