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Dear Harry

21/100


Dear Harry,

I've tried many times to write this to you. If you were here right now you would see the floor is littered with screwed up balls of parchment. But that wouldn't interest you in the slightest. You would just want to know what I've been trying to tell you for years.

Firstly, I'm sorry. I can't begin to tell you how sorry I am. Not for what I've done, if I had my time all over again, I know I would do it all over again. But for not telling you what was happening. So many times that year I wanted to tell Ron and yourself what was going on, but there was always some new issue that would take over, and the moment was gone.

I couldn't stop it, any of it. I knew what he was doing, or trying to do. But please believe me, I only knew about the cabinet. I had no idea what he was planning once he had it working again. The first I heard of that was when you told us. If I had known I would have told you, or Dumbledore right away. No matter what was between him and myself I was, and am still on your side. That never faltered for a moment.

I know you probably have wondered how it all happened, us. I'm at a loss to explain it to myself. If you can believe this is kind of just happened, it wasn't romantic in any degree at first. Not till after Voldemort was defeated. It wasn't some sordid affair like the newspapers or gossip rags would have you believe. Just two people who were in way over their heads in business that they should never have been in. You can understand how overwhelming it all was then. Everyday there was some new thing that came our way, making it hard for us to stay standing.

I love you Harry. You know that. It was just incredible hard to be your friend at that time, not that I would have ever abandoned you. But I think people forgot that I, we were all only sixteen. We shouldn't have had to deal with all that we did. And I needed to decompress, so that I didn't throw a multitude of curses at Ron or yourself.

One day I went to the Room of Requirement, I would be found in next to no time in the library. So I asked it for somewhere for me to be alone, well he must have asked for the same thing. He was there at the same time. And I don't know why, but he didn't kick me out. Maybe he understood why I was there, or maybe he just didn't want to be alone that day. So I stayed. And slowly over a few months it became something more. I wouldn't go so far as to say we were friends. More like a sounding board for our angst.

After that night on the Tower, I didn't see him till that day at Grimmauld Place when Professor Lupin brought him in. I was relieved to see him alive, and somewhat well. I knew Voldemort wouldn't have treated him well, and frankly I never expected to see him alive ever again.

But Harry, any of the relief I felt disappeared when I saw the look on Ron and your faces when it all came unravelling. You need to understand how the relationship between the two of us had developed. He wasn't as close to me as you two, but during my down times that previous year, he had listened. And sitting at the table in the kitchen, he looked so lost and I only meant to show him he wasn't alone. That there was still someone in this world who cared about him, and what he was going through. I never realised that by just grabbing hold of his hand that it would go so terribly pear shaped. But I probably would do it exactly the same way if I could do it over. He was a friend, and he needed someone to stand beside him. Much like you would do for me.

I'm aware that a lot of time has passed, maybe too much. Not a day goes by where I don't think of the two of you, I can only hope that you've found it within yourself to forgive me. I pray every day for you to be part of my life again, of our life.

There is a lot of animosity in the past between the three of you, but we can get past that Harry. I've realised recently that I can't not have you in my life. So I hope you find it in your heart to forgive me for deceiving you.

Love always,

Hermione.