Xanders Not Allowed
Nominated under the title 'Inventory' for the 2007 Crossing Over Awards
Xander's Not Allowed Too... List can be found on my website at wwwDOTchaoseternusDOTcoDOTuk or livejournal profile for Jpublic (the list compiler)
For years, Dawnie has known she is going to marry me when she is of age, my choice in the matter be damned, at first I thought it was a simple crush and pretty much ran into the arms of Anya to escape it.
Turns out it wasn't a crush, the monks decided that Dawn should have somebody who would protect her body and soul as her mate… and now that Dawn is getting close to being of age there is a magic of sorts working on me too. Okay, so my choice has gone out the window, not that I am really complaining, she has grown into a fine woman and somebody I could see at my side for the rest of my life but that doesn't mean I can't… punish her just a little first, you don't think Anya called me the 'sexual slayer' for nothing did you?
All with Buffy's permission of course; suicidal I am not.
Stage one, Dawn having her daily workout with the Slayers check, hot summers day check, excuse to be hot and sweaty check, the roof has needed repairing since I suggested placing a camera in Slayers dorms as a money making gesture anyway…. (And I had already bought the domain too, minutes of banging and hammering later, casually climb down the ladder in full view of the working out slayers plus one, stride over to water butt, dunk head into water to cool off then dramatically sweep head back, scattering water everywhere.
Glance across casually just as Dawn manages to face plant the floor, perfect!
Suppress violent urge to run as I realize I just abruptly halted the training and now have twenty slayers gazing somewhat distracted in my direction. No, it's not a run, it's a causal saunter back into the mansion to get a cooling glass of lemonade, honest!
Phase two of the complete destruction of Dawn's mind and self-control in progress. According to the gal with the camera, i.e. Buffy, the Dawnmeister swims every Saturday for one hour as part of her normal fitness regime or to put it another way, one hundred and one ways to escape demons and vampires.
Wait until she's almost finished, just climbing out the pool… and walk in, sans everything bar a single, far too small Speedo suggested by a slayer who is taking far too much fun in teasing her sister with what she can't have yet. Evil of course, but damn that must have hurt, accidentally back flopping into the pool is never fun… unless you're the one watching of course.
And as bonus, Buffy got soaked as well. Would have thought she would have had enough sense to be a bit further away then that…
Phase three, the rumour mill…
Okay, well a rumour mill liberally aided with a little truth but hey, the best lies are those that have a little truth in them after all.
First, encourage Buffy, Willow and a few others who knew Anya to discuss or causally drop hints about what Anya thought my main 'talent' was, leave a well eared copy of the Karma Sutra in full view, strangely enough the only thing Anya and I bought that I still have, but what else?
Hey, there's that, heh, 'frustration' support group over on Fifth Street with the sexual instructor whose life I saved a few weeks ago. One quiet word and few pints later and I may just have a nice certificate off my own to leave casually about…
Rumours, take that!
I am so screwed… turns out one of the members of the support group was a freaking slayer and she just offered a complete box of 24 Twinkies for an hour…
Hard not to look tempted and Dawn just caught the whole damn thing, didn't know she could screech quite that loud. Still, maybe it'll help.
Part four of my master plan, of total payback for all those 'Mr and Mrs Harris' notes I keep finding and for having being grabbed by the police because of it…
Bust the shower.
Well, bust my shower anyway, senior council members all get en-suite, then borrow Dawn's. Hide the note that would normally get shoved on the door when a shower is being 'borrowed' somewhere it could have landed if it had fallen off the door. Listen carefully for Dawn to come back…
Note to self, never do that again, Dawn damn near 'forgot' her promise to Buffy (anyone else seeing the pattern here?) catching me in her shower. Damn thing those demonic cultists tried to attack then or I might be in real trouble right now, as it was I still ended up running buck naked past all those Slayers to get some clothes.
I'll have to sneak back into Dawns room at some point and see if I can find out where she hid mine…
Dawn has been mentioning that Jon kid from school at lot, weirdo with the far too old eyes and the Special Forces skills but not the Special Forces body. Okay, I know full well they are only friends, but I can still use this…
Of course, I'll have to wait till she next brings the Generals nephew around.
Casually twirl and fiddle with axe as we watch the movie, try not to smile as Jon looks across more and more puzzled, then finally gets the courage to ask what exactly I'm doing with a battleaxe in my hands.
Look directly at Jon; suggest its 'sexual protection'.
Grin evilly and point the axe towards the 'child', and say all too calmly 'for Dawn.'
Enjoy the gulp as they both get the point, Jon gulps, sweats and tries to explain what I already know and Dawn… well, Dawn just shrieks outraged.
Score another one, you know, in two weeks when she finally becomes of age, I am either going to have really reallyrun for it… or I'm going to be the one buying headboards in bulk now, not just Faith.
Dawn tried to score one off me today, the Slayers being on full apocalypse alert makes if difficult for them to get supplies. Given how many girls we have in the building, it means it is pretty much always somebody's 'red tide week'; thankfully we have a calendar now that tells us who's so we know to be prepared.
Apparently, not prepared enough though as according to Dawn a few of the girls were running low. Enjoy the way her face drops into a pout as I don't even blush as Dawn asks me to retrieve certain supplies and just ask for size, type, brand…
You need to given me a little more credit then that Dawn; I did date Anya after all.
Apparently my earlier constructive encouragement of the rumour mill has, surprise surprise, gotten a little out of hand.
Today I had, of all the people, Kennedy, the original spoilt brat asking me if she could help settle on the betting pool. A betting pool that, thanks to the very rumours I had started, covered the size of my 'equipment'.
I was really tempted to send them in the direction of Buffy who knows ( Don't ask, ever. On pain of pain) but instead I just suggested they check the camera footage of a week ago when Dawn forced me to streak through the building.
Exit Kennedy stage left happily, and me hastily stage right. I do know how to delete camera footage from the archives after all.
Oh hell, is Dawn in on the betting pool?
If she finds out without me having a ring on her finger, Buffy will go straight from gleeful assistant to homicidal manic with a short stopover at berserker.
This is not going exactly to plan.
Still, I have another week to go yet and I'm sure I can come up with a few more ideas in that time…
258) It is understood that I am an attractive man. Standing outside on a hot summer's day with no shirt and doing the 'drinking from a gallon jug' thing while the SITs are training is cruel and is strictly prohibited.
258a) Except as revenge.
258b) Except against Dawn, because then I'm just asking for trouble.
18) I am not the 'Sexual Slayer.'
13) The Speedo is not to be worn, even if I am a 'sexy beast.'
24) May not propose as a money-making venture.
26) I am not a certified sex instructor, even if I have a card that says I am.
30) Not allowed to accept Twinkies as trade for sexual favors.
34) Must always lock the bathroom door when showering
if Dawn is home.
34a) Must also block the door.
34b) Must not shower when Dawn is home.
55) A battle-axe is not the safest form of sexual
55a) Except for Dawnie
157) I am not allowed to suggest that Faith buy headboards 'in bulk.'
104) When I am asked to retrieve feminine hygiene products, I am not allowed to pull out a notepad and a pen, sigh and say "Brand? Type? Size and color of box?"
262) The next time the SITs have a pool on the size of
my manhood, I am not allowed to enlighten them.
262a) Nor am I allowed to send them to anyone who might know.
262b) It is understood that if Dawn finds out without an engagement ring on her finger, I am a dead man.
262c) Said ring must be mine.