A/N: On EnigmaticArsenic's profile page, she asked for someone to write a fanfiction entitled Everyone Must Die! Since I have no life, I decided to take up on her suggestion.
The main character used will be my friend, Amanda, because she's the only person that can beat me up (she pokes, tickles, and scratches; it's not my fault I lose). I would appear myself, but then I wouldn't be able to poke fun at the protagonist.
Credits: To Twilight Suzuka for beta-reading.
Dedications: To EnigmaticArsenic forsuggesting a story by this title and also my dear friend Amanda: I know you hate me now, but I only pick on your because I love you. :)
Disclaimer: I don't own anything used here. There's way too many anime to be named and I'm lazy.
"Amanda, you have a new assignment!" a voice boomed from the sky while a seemingly innocent girl was walking (emphasis on the word seemingly).
"What? No fair! My Shakespeare thing is due, like next week and my science project is due this week. And then there's my..." she continued ranting about her homework.
"No, assassination assignment."
"What assassination assignment? Oh, don't tell me Kon-chan really sent squirrels after me."
"No! And the great, almighty author refuses to be called by such a disgraceful name suffix."
"Nuu, Kon-chan is a cute name! 3333333" she squealed and grinned like an idiot. Ignore the fact that no normal person can say 33333. She's not exactly normal, per se... "Hey, don't be so mean, Kon-chan! After I agreed to star in your stupid fanfiction... TT" Ignore that too. She has a habit of using smilies whenever possible, so ignore all the smilies that will appear later on. "And by the way, Kon-chan, where's my end of the deal?"
The voice groaned and Chrno, Hiei, and Kurama appeared spontaneously. "Here; huggle them all you want for five minutes. Just don't...break any bones or anything or else their creators are going to sue the great and almighty author."
Amanda grinned manically and proceeded to half-hug and half-choke them to death. Poor Chrno had it worse because he was her current obsession. As promised, five minutes later, they all disappeared and Amanda fell down since she was in the middle of glomping one of them.
The voice said, "Anyways, let's proceed with the story..." By magic, Amanda's hands were forcefully pushed upwards in a receiving position and a scroll of parchment appeared in her hands. "Kill whoever's name is on the parchment."
"Dunno. You find a way. I mean, you manage somehow to get the great and almighty author on the ground kicking and screaming."
"Okay, quit it with the great and almighty crap. Kon-chan's good at nothing but being mean (and helping me with my homework). By the way, what's up with the parchment? I mean, normal paper works fine too, ya know."
"The great and almighty author knows. But parchment looks cooler. And just shut up already! You're stalling the plot!" the voice disappeared in annoyance and we'll skip the part with Amanda whining and crying about being all alone now (she does that often too).
A few hours later (after all the sobbing), Amanda looked at the piece of parchment, "Okay, let's see..."
1. Yami Yugi from Yu-Gi-Oh – who manages to win while on the brink of defeat every episode just because he thinks that cards have hearts and can miraculously rearrange themselves to suit his needs.
Whistling, Amanda tried the phone book, "What the hell is wrong with his name? . Dark Yugi? Like that's listed in the phone book! Okay, I'll look up Yugi. What the hell is that brat's last name? Mutt? No, that was the stupid blonde's name. Motto? No, that was the stupid 'It's time to d-d-d-d-d-d-duel!' thing in the English opening song... No, wait, it was Mudo! How the heck is that spelled...? Muudo? Mudou? Muudou? God, I hate romanji! Can't they just give one spelling for one word? e.e" After half an hour in the phone book, she finally reached Yugi.
"Okay, listen up, buster, I'm here to kill you. :) Wait, I don't really mean a happy-face smiley. It was supposed to be evilish grin that looks innocent. But I don't have a smiley for that. TT"
"Okay..." With that, Yugi hung up, assuming it to be some stupid prank call.
"What? Hey, you brat! Don't you dare hang up on me!" she was oblivious to the fact that since he hung up, he couldn't hear her.
Amanda groaned, "Nevermind doing things reasonably. Plotholes are easier." She grabbed a scimitar from who know where (possibly the same place that female anime characters get their mallets from) and started singing off-key, "Obliterate! Exterminate! For a random voice told me so-o-o-o! Genocide without asking why! An order of homicide on the go!" She paused, "Funny... I haven't watched Excel Saga and yet, I'm singing the song in the first episode... Ah, what the hell; since we're going with plotholes anyways."
While on her rampage, she randomly managed to encounter Yami Yugi. "Yami Yugi, I challenge you to a duel!"
"Alright! Let's d-d-d-d-duel!" Yami whips out his deck of cards and Amanda takes out her scimitar. She stabs him in the stomach and he dies.
"Sheesh, what kind of moron would duel with cards instead of a sword?"
2. Netto Hikari from Rockman.EXE – because of his willpower, he manages to win, like, five hundred times. That's not fair; other characters don't get to beat him out of willpower.
Instead of taking her scimitar, this time, Amanda produced a WideSword battle chip. She didn't have a NetNavi, but there are other ways to beat someone with a battle chip.
She crept up behind Netto, who was currently in the middle of a Netbattle with Enzan. Grinning like a maniac, she shoved the battle chip into Netto's skull, corner-first. It went through and cracked his skull. He went unconscious and Enzan won by default.
"Well, that's not a very grand victory, but hey, I still beat the pesky moron," Enzan shrugged, "I'll just tell him that he lost fair and square, ran out crying for his mommy, got hit by a truck because he's such an idiot, and got amnesia. Yeah, the moron will buy that." He walked off, continuing to talk to himself. "Hmm... Gotta do something about Rockman though – and what kind of cheesy name is that? He's not stone elemental and it's obviously supposed to fit in with Roll's name. Hmm... Blues, do you think that NetNavis can have relationships? You know, that kind?" Which kind Enzan means will be left up to the reader's imagination (by the way, this is a pretty good test of how perverted you are).
Amanda raised an eyebrow before shrugging, "Okay... Whatever." She crossed out Netto's name.
3. Yusuke from Yu Yu Hakusho – who wins every time because of some stupid excuse. The real reason is because he's the main character.
"Yusuke Urameshi! I am here to kill you!" After the sneak attack on Netto, Amanda felt the need to do her job more honorably this time.
Yusuke groaned, "Another one? Geez, don't you demons have something more entertaining to do?"
"Demons?" Amanda shrieked in terror and hide behind Yusuke, "Where? Where? I don't like demons! They scare me! TT"
Yusuke blinked in surprise, "Okay... I suppose you're not a demon after all. Anyways, why do you want to kill me?"
"'Cause a voice told me to."
"A voice! You know, that sound that people make?"
"O...kay. Which mental institution did you come from again?"
She pouted furiously, "X( I didn't come from a mental institution! I'm not crazy or stupid! You're so mean too! TT"
After arguing intensely over whether or not Yusuke was a moron, the two finally began a fight. "Spirit Gun!" Yusuke cried out while pointing his finger at Amanda in a manner that seems so similar to childish play-fighting that it's scary.
Amanda rolled her eyes and formed a bazooka out of thin air. "Huge Bazooka Gun!" She shot it and it absorbed Yusuke's Spirit Gun. "Take this! For taking the lead role away from my dear Kurama and Hiei! TT I don't know which one I like better..." She shot again and this time, Yusuke was reverted to dust.
"Oh? Where'd he go? No! The victim has gotten away in a smoke screen!" Amanda exclaimed in an over-dramatic voice.
"Now who are you calling a moron?" Yusuke cried out (we will bypass the fact that a pile of dust cannot talk).
"Ah, there you are! Okay, next!"
4. Yoh from Shaman King – out of, again, willpower and the ability to unite with a ghost (into supposedly some limbo state), he manages to defeat all his opponents.
"I won't fight you if I have no reason to!" Yoh cried out. Man, are pacifists annoying; they waste time talking and no one gets to see any action. Yeah sure, an eye for an eye and everyone goes blind, but you have to admit that the notion of blind people fighting is interesting.
"I'm trying to kill you! That's more than enough of a reason to fight me! I mean, sheesh, random guys in a bar will fight just because they're drunk!"
"No! I won't fight you!"
"Fight me, dammit! I want to kill you in such a way as to show that you suck and you shouldn't have lived as long as you did!" Amanda complained.
"Well then, all the more reason not to fight you. Since you won't kill me if I don't fight..."
And so, they argued back and forth until Amanda just got sick and tired of it. To be more exact, the author is just too lazy to write out a whole, long dialogue between morons. After several hours of debating, Amanda managed to convince Yoh to fight her.
While Yoh was busy doing his long animation sequence for Spirit Unity (which takes like thirty seconds of screen time), Amanda ran over and stabbed him. I mean, really, what kind of person who actually knew how to fight would spend half a minute raising their arm up and then smashing their chest with it?
After kicking his corpse for a while, Amanda confirmed his death and checked off his name.
5. Kenshin from Rorouni Kenshin – he's powerful, I'll give him that much. But he's just annoying when he keeps on talking about letting his enemies live, so I want him dead too.
Amanda challenged him to a fight and Kenshin won her in a few seconds. But being the nice guy he is, he let her live. So ten days later (because the story would be very boring if we talked about the crap Amanda watched on the hospital's television), she came back for revenge.
"Hyah!" Amanda smashed the flat side of her scimitar on Kenshin's head. It was getting repetitive killing everyone with one hit, so she decided to try something new.
Kenshin fell down because he only knows how to dodge lethal blows, "Oro?"
"What the hell is that?"
"Dunno – some word I made up," Kenshin said while unconscious.
"I see." Amanda raised her scimitar above Kenshin, ready to kill him. "Nah, this isn't honorable. Get up, trannie."
Kenshin shot up, "What? Hey, I'm not a transvestite! What the hell made you think that?"
"Well... You're wearing pink and you have long hair..."
"It's not pink! It's light red!"
"Uh huh, sure it is." They feuded over the color of his kimono for an hour until I got bored of their banter and magically fast-forwarded to several hours later when Amanda would finally get down to business.
She threw a bucket at his head and because Kenshin, despite his "god-like speed", can never dodge dull objects thrown by women, he got hit square in the head. He got the classical swirly anime eyes, "Oro..."
Amanda grinned deviously and crucified him, remembering to put up a label over it saying "Passion of the Himura". Whenever there's a humorous scene, somehow, Kenshin can never get out of it. Taking advantage of that anime law, Amanda had him stuck to a piece of wood and stabbed him. He couldn't escape because she remembered to buy heavy-duty rope. Actually, it was because the author reminded her to. "Kon-chan! You shouldn't take all the credit for stuff! X("
"Shut up," the author replied (nevermind who's narrating. Maybe I just like talking like Tarzan in third-person).
"Whew, five people down!" Amanda grinned, "I'm beat; bathroom break! Roll commercials! Oh, wait, I'm not supposed to say that when the tape's still rolling, right?"
An odd end to an odd chapter of an odd story… I'm not quite sure what it is. Perhaps I'm reverting back to my random insanity roots...? Or is this another satire; just more wacky? I can't decide myself... I'm not sure how long it'll go. Probably until I get bored or until I run out of shounen anime titles. At which point, I might switch to shoujo and have everyone get dumped so we can all get on with our lives without the sickly love triangles that span twenty-six episodes and counting.