"The Blair Jedi Project"

"The Blair Jedi Project"

Standard Disclaimer/Credit Where Credit Is Due: The characters in this story belong to George Lucas, not me. I'm not making any money from this, although God knows I could use it. The song "I'm Too Sexy" is by Right Said Fred.

Static. A giant blue eyeball fills the screen. "Is this on?" Anakin Skywalker's voice asks.

"I think you're looking through the wrong end," Obi-Wan Kenobi's voice replies. Static.

Static. Moving from relatively dark interior to bright sunny exterior. Outside. Anakin and Palpatine are sunning themselves on deck chairs on Palpatine's balcony. Anakin is wearing a blue Speedo and reading a supermarket tabloid. Palpatine is reading a newspaper. He is wearing a pair of khaki shorts and a green Polo shirt. "Here we have my Padawan Learner Anakin Skywalker and Supreme Chancellor Palpatine," Obi-Wan's voice says from behind the camera. Palpatine looks up from his newspaper.

"Is that thing on?"

"What's in the news today, Chancellor?" Obi-Wan asks. Unwilling to be interviewed, Palpatine glares at him and goes back to his paper.

"Here's some news for you." Anakin holds up his tabloid. Zoom in and focus on the headline: "I'M PREGNANT WITH JABBA'S LOVE CHILD!"

"Wow. The mind boggles." Obi-Wan replies. "Anything else?" Anakin briefly scans the tabloid.

"Yeah. Master Yoda is engaged to a Wookie princess."

"Imagine the logistics involved on the wedding night." Obi-Wan comments.

"I'm embezzling money from the Jedi Temple." Anakin continues. "Palpatine is having an affair with Padmé – " Palpatine looks up from his newspaper.

"I'm WHAT?"

"You're having an affair with my girlfriend."

"Am I? I thought I was having an affair with my intern. Something about a cigar, wasn't it?"

"That was LAST week."

"Oh yes, right. Well, if this keeps up, I'll be hospitalized for exhaustion soon."

"Maybe that'll be NEXT week's story." Anakin suggests. Palpatine snorts and goes back to his paper.

"So, Anakin," Obi-Wan continues in his best 'interview' voice. "How do you feel about your girlfriend cheating on you with this guy?"

"To be frank with you, Obi-Wan, I'm hurt." Anakin dramatically clutches his heart. Palpatine studiously ignores him. "I'm hurt that they would lie to me. I'm hurt that they would sneak around under my nose behind my back."

"I don't believe that's anatomically possible." Palpatine muses without looking up from his paper.

"Speaking of anatomically impossible, I'm hurt that they probably made dirty movies together and they won't let me see them." Anakin continues.

"You're sick!" Palpatine informs him. "Honestly, I am convinced there's something wrong with you."

"I'm completely torn apart by it, Obi-Wan. I'll just have to use the money I embezzled from the Jedi Temple to drink myself into oblivion."

"That would be NEW behavior for you?" Palpatine asks. Movement from inside the apartment. Padmé comes out onto the balcony. She is wearing a maroon bikini with a multicolored sarong tied around her waist. She is carrying a tray with four frozen beverages. Palpatine looks up at her.

"Hello, darling," he says, taking a frozen drink off the tray. She gives him a funny look.

"WHAT did you call me?" She doesn't sound angry; she sounds surprised.

"You're having an affair with the old Palpster here," Anakin tells her, brandishing the tabloid.

"Really?" She hands a drink to Anakin, then extends one towards the camera. A hand comes into frame from behind the camera and takes the drink.

"Evidently. Funny no one told us, isn't it?" Palpatine says to her.

"This paper's just FULL of surprises today," Anakin says. "Did you know Obi-Wan wears ladies' underwear?"


"Do too. It says so right here. You've been thrown out of Victoria's Secret six times."

"Now THAT one I believe." Palpatine says. Static.

Static. Master Yoda is pacing around the Jedi Council chambers. The perspective is low to the ground, as though the camera operator is kneeling. "Another thing," Master Yoda is saying, "Not funny is it to put Master Windu's hand in a glass of warm water while he sleeps!"

"Here's Jedi Master Yoda," Anakin's voice says quietly. "He doesn't know it, but he's on our hidden camera. Let's see what happens."

"Another thing," Yoda continues. "When reporters call about stupid tabloid story, 'I can't talk about that now!' you should not say! If you know not what to say, say nothing you should!"

"Yes, Master Yoda."

"Also…" Yoda's voice is drowned out by Anakin's quiet voice speaking directly into the microphone.

"Sucks bigtime this afternoon does, hmmm? Gets he all upset about stupid stuff, and then deep shit am I in."

"Have something to say, do you Padawan?" Yoda was asking curiously. There is an audible gulp. Static.

Static. Interior. Red walls. Palpatine's apartment. Zoom in very tight on an indistinct brown blob.

"Damn." Palpatine's voice says from behind the camera. "How do you do this?"

"Here," says Obi-Wan, sounding far away and indistinct. He comes into frame and goes behind the camera. Slowly the focus zooms out so that the view is the back of Padmé's head. "Now go ahead, ask her." Move around to front of sofa where Padmé is sitting.

"Your Majesty," he begins.

"Yes?" she asks.

"I was wondering if you would mind telling me who you plan to appoint to succeed Sio Bibble as governor when he retires this year." She rolls her eyes.

"You know I can't tell you that, Chancellor. No one is allowed to know until I announce the appointment. It's procedure."

"But I'd like to know," he presses.

"Too bad." Obi-Wan moves into frame behind the sofa where Padmé sits. Anakin moves into frame in front.

"You'd better tell him, Padmé." Obi-Wan says.

"Yeah," Anakin agrees. "He's our bud and buds stick together." She snorts. "Don't make us torture you."

"You two don't frighten me." She announces. Anakin and Obi-Wan exchange a look.

"That's it. We'll just have to do it." Anakin says, sounding regretful. "Grab her, Obi-Wan." From behind the sofa, Obi-Wan grabs Padmé, pinning her arms to her sides. "TICKLE TORTURE!" Anakin yells, attacking her stomach. Padmé shrieks. "You will tell us what we want to know!" Anakin commands. Padmé is laughing hysterically. She begins kicking her legs. Anakin yells as a foot connects with his arm. "Palpatine! Get her legs!" Moving forward. One of Palpatine's hands moves into the frame and attempts to grab one of Padmé's flailing legs. "Get her legs!" Anakin yells again.

"I can't, I've got this bloody camera!"

"Do you give up?" Anakin asks her.

"NO!" she shrieks. A foot comes into frame. Sudden spinning view of apartment as camera goes flying. View of ceiling as camera lands on a chair. Sounds of the struggle on the sofa continue. Palpatine yells in pain. A dark, indistinct form falls towards camera. Static.

Static. Come into focus on a young Rodian standing behind the counter at a fast food restaurant. He is wearing a bright orange shirt, a silly paper hat, and a nametag that reads, "Hello, My Name Is Gordo".

"Welcome to McDiarmid's, may I take your order?" the Rodian asks.

"OK, what are we getting, you guys?" Padmé's voice asks.

"I dunno," Anakin says from behind the camera.

"Me neither." Obi-Wan adds.

"C'mon, you guys," Padmé says. "We always do this. We never come here and just order. I can't believe this. We come here all the time and you guys always get the same stuff. How can you NOT know what you want?"

"I hate this place," Palpatine complains to no one in particular. "The food is awful. The employees are surly. And the name is silly." Padmé steps up to the counter.

"I want a big McD with no pickles, no onions, and extra secret sauce. Oh yeah, and an order of curly fries."

"Secret sauce." Anakin snickers. "I'll give you extra secret sauce."

"Will you just order?" Padmé asks, exasperated.

"I know what I want," Obi-Wan says.

"Extra secret sauce?" Palpatine asks innocently. The others snicker.

"NO!" Obi-Wan glares at him. "I want two Bantha Burgers and an order of curly fries."

"I want a big McD and an order of curly fries." Anakin says. Palpatine steps up to the counter. He looks at the menu. He frowns.

"Everything here is utterly revolting."

"Just get ANYTHING!" Anakin says from behind the camera. "It's my treat."

"Oh really, big spender?" Padmé says.

"Yeah, I'm embezzling from the Jedi Temple."

"That's right," she says. "I forgot about that." The Rodian behind the counter gives them an odd look. For once, Palpatine picks up on something and plays along with it. Grinning broadly, he puts his arm around Padmé.

"You know," he tells the Rodian confidentially. "We're having an affair." Padmé nods in agreement and kisses Palpatine on the cheek.

"What?" The Rodian asks, obviously confused. Obi-Wan gives him a beatific smile.

"I'm wearing ladies' underwear!" he crows triumphantly.

"You guys are weird," the Rodian tells them. Static.

Static. Interior. Red walls. Two faces crowd into frame. A hand moves out of frame to make adjustment on the camera.

"Do you think this'll work?" Obi-Wan asks. Anakin shrugs.

"If it doesn't, we're not out anything. If it does, Sabé will give us ten credits apiece for the holo. I just hope he doesn't spot the camera." They leave. View of Palpatine's bedroom. Fast forward through two hours' worth of footage of Palpatine's empty bedroom. Palpatine enters the bedroom, humming under his breath. He pulls off the long blue robes he is wearing and hangs them neatly in the closet. He begins undoing the fastenings on his shirt. He is singing. "I'm too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt, so sexy it hurts!" He throws the shirt in a clothes hamper. "I'm a model, you know what I mean, and I do my little turn on the catwalk." He sits on the bed and pulls off his shoes. "On the catwalk, on the catwalk, yeah." He stands and unfastens his trousers. "I shake my little tush on the catwalk." He pulls off his trousers. Wearing only his underwear, he goes to his closet and hangs his trousers neatly with his robes. "And I'm too sexy for your party, too sexy for your party, no way I'm –"

Blue screen. The holocamera has run out of memory.

Queen Padmé Amidala sat in her drawing room, eagerly anticipating the broadcast of her State of The System Address. As the Nubian Senator was the Supreme Chancellor of the Republic, it was to be aired by Coruscant News Network. Every being in the Galaxy would be able to see her speech, which is why she had insisted upon prerecording it. She turned on her holovid viewer and watched eagerly as CNN began broadcasting the holorecording she had sent them that morning.

Static. A giant blue eyeball fills the screen. "Is this on?" Anakin Skywalker's voice asks.

"I think you're looking through the wrong end," Obi-Wan Kenobi's voice replies. Static.

Oh NO! she thought as she recognized the holo. "THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!" She yelled.

In the Jedi Temple, Anakin and Obi-Wan switched on the holovid viewer to watch Padmé's speech.

Static. Moving from relatively dark interior to bright sunny exterior. Outside. Anakin and Palpatine are sunning themselves on deck chairs on Palpatine's balcony.

"OH SHIT, she sent them THE WRONG HOLO!" they screamed in unison.

In the most exclusive apartment building on Coruscant, a sound could be heard echoing through the corridors.