DO NOT IN ANY WAY TAKE THIS STORY SERIOUSLY; IT'LL GIVE YOU A HEADACHE AND CAUSE SQUIRRELS TO SPONTIANIOUSLY COMBUST. THE SQUIRRLES ARE REBELLING…RUN RUN FOR YOUR LIVES…
AGHAAAAAAAAA! IT'S SQUIRREL GIRL AND THE SQUIRREL SWARM OF DOOM! SHE'S GOT A BAZOOKA FILLED WITH RABID HAMSTERS!
This is my version of a Harry Potter revenge fic, but after a couple of years in Azkaban he's not quite sane anymore. He has some sanity left, but it doesn't really affect him anymore.
Coven of the Rose
Chapter 13 – The Legendary Fall
Percy glanced into the Minister's office and blinked. Madam Bones was sitting at the desk looking through the Minister's paperwork. "Ah?"
"Come in Weasley." She snapped.
"Where is Minister Fudge?"
"Why is he there?"
She adjusted her monocle and glared for a second. "Well, it seems he had a bit of an episode the other day."
"He was sexually molested by about four hundred garden gnomes outside a bar." She sighed. "We aren't telling the press about it."
Percy sweatdropped. Surprisingly he hadn't been targeted by Prank Lord Potter since the Reign of Terror started. On the other hand, he was aware that Fudge was targeted several times already. "Then we need to arrest Potter!" He snapped.
Bones gave him a look, her eye monocle glowing slightly. Maybe the rumors of Percy being an idiot were true after all. Then again, Fudge never did hire someone that might be competent, they would be a threat to his position. "I'm in charge right now Percy. Would you care to rephrase that?"
He backed up a step. "Um..."
"Now, arresting Potter seems to be the last thing we can do. He's been doing all this because of how the Minister and Dumbledore treated him after all. You even had a hand in that little fiasco if I recall right."
"He's a child." Percy said, mimicking what the people around him always said.
"He's much more than that." Bones reiterated. "Now get out."
"Now, or else." She glared at him again and started reaching for a nearby can of whipped cream and an orange.
He slowly backed out of the office and shut the door as quietly as he could. Bones sighed as he left and glanced down at a foe glass sitting on the desk. It still showed a green dot heading her way. This was one of those times when her position in the Ministry wasn't a good thing.
Her hand shook as she returned to work, slowly picked up the next memo in the tray and started to read, which was rather odd for a memo. 'AAAGHAAAAAAAAAA! They're everywhere, everywhere I tell you, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I'MMMMMMMMMGOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNAAAAAAA DIE!' Something pink and gooey was dripping off it as well. Other than that, it didn't seem to have anything to do with the Ministry.
She shuddered and tried to think of how anyone could work by micromanaging so many things at once. No wonder Minister Fudge was having so many problems. After several seconds of thought, she started cutting Fudge's strings and letting the other departments do their jobs. It would take a couple of weeks for things to settle down, but the Ministry would start working without everything passing through this office.
She read a couple more memos and could only shake her head at the sheer stupidity of the things. Fudge was so far behind that she was reading about things that happened months ago. "Prank Lord Potter turns a West End Bridge into a giant kumquat." She noticed Percy's name on the bottom of the memo and a suggestion that the muggles wouldn't even notice. They were muggles after all.
The Centaur Office was working about as badly as normal. Perhaps she should send Percy there. She shook her head, the boy wasn't worth the time, but she might be able to find a way to use him eventually. The next memo detailed something about Vampire Penguins ravaging north London's red light district. Muggle Animal Control was chasing the things all over the city with butterfly nets.
The one after that described a hoard of bunny girls invading magical Amsterdam to dance and do what bunny's do. Surprisingly there wasn't one complaint about the bunny girls, though another stack held several requests for more. Problem was, no one could figure out where the girls came from or where they got to the next morning. No one was missing and tests showed that they were not transfigured animals.
Hmm, another memo from Fudge requesting a couple of the girls to be sent to his house. She shuddered, crumpled it up, and tossed it in the fireplace. It joined several others that were burning quite well.
Potter had his hands in everything lately and there didn't seem to be any rhyme or reason to it at all. Just random thoughts that he gave form with a negligent flick of his wand. Just like the report about dogs and cats dueling each other in alleys across the city. The Squirrels were making sure the fights were fair though by jumping on the more rowdy of the fighters. The cats were winning two out of every three fights. It was those claws apparently.
She shook her head. Every memo was just something stranger than the last. Someone painted dirty pictures all over the Tower of London, but the Muggles weren't complaining about it. They thought it was a jolly good show. She sighed, no wonder Fudge was in mental ward laying on his stomach with his butt in the air. Maybe she should see about springing him to let him take care of this insanity once more? Naw, he was out of a job and she intended to make sure things got back to normal. That meant she would have restructure things.
Now if she could find some kind of pattern mixed in with all the chaos, they might be able to predict where Potter would strike next. The one thing she found funny was a set of rules put into place a few centuries ago that would make convicting Potter rather hard. She wondered if he was even aware of it. She snipped a few more of the strings attached to the Minster's office and felt much better.
Behind her an elf, just about to prank her with Fudge's next bit of punishment, noticed that it wasn't Fudge or anyone else on the main list. Scratching his head, the elf pulled out a small scroll and scanned it for several seconds before nodding. It reached into its robe, pulled out a small ball of light and tossed it at Madam Bones. It then nodded and vanished silently. Her hair suddenly turned into little snakes hissing a mariachi song. She barely twitched and flicked a couple away from her eyes. They couldn't quite get the octaves correct anyway.
The next memo read about Sybil Trelawney streaking through Diagon Alley, all tha she had, apparently swaying in the breeze since she couldn't run very fast. Now Play Wizard wanted to talk to her for some reason. She blinked, blinked again, and tossed the memo into the fireplace and just shook her head. If she was going to succeed where Fudge failed she would have to find a way to stop Harry Potter. Who knew that some moron had decided that playing pranks on the government wasn't actually against the law?
She had several ideas on the subject but wasn't sure if any of them would be effective. There was also the possibility that he would turn things up a notch if they failed and he got away. Moody would have been her first choice, but the retired Auror had actually trained Potter for Dumbledore's original plan to take down the Dark Lord.
Voting against that plan had saved her from the lion's share of Potter's wrath, but he could still make things bad for them if she wasn't careful. Her snakes were starting to do pop songs now. Potter was playing with music lately. A reggae band made up to half a dozen ghost had taken up down in the recreation room too.
She glanced at the door to the office as she heard more screaming in the distance. Frowning, she stood up, smoothed her robe a little and peaked out the door.
"Wark!!" A vampire penguin gave her a lecherous grin and showed off his teeth. Its little cape was flapping away menacingly as it sized her up, beady little eyes narrowed. Her snakes hissed back and rose up on their own, ready to strike. They hissed something at the penguin that made it narrow its eyes. Suddenly one of the snakes was fondling her monocle.
Whole families hid inside their homes, afraid to even leave them anymore. Just the mere sight of a green robe and people fled in terror. Dumbledore was at a loss and didn't have a clue what to do anymore. He used to have his hand in everything that happened in or around the Ministry, but then he came up with the plan to send Harry to Azkaban.
At the time, it seemed like such a good way to take care two different problems at once. Fudge did exactly as he was supposed to do, tell Lucius that Harry was in the prison, but then the whole plan backfired. The Dark Lord didn't attack the prison, Harry didn't take the Dark Lord down in a hail of magic, nor did anything else happen.
Instead, with Harry out of the way Voldemort forwarded his plans and went on a killing spree that hadn't been seen since his first rise. Fudge ignored it all and just sat back and kept taking galleons from everyone that came along. Getting him to think of the people was impossible after he was neck deep in money.
Then things changed, Harry escaped from Azkaban. Without any help from anyone the boy goes and becomes unpredictable. Revenge he could have dealt with easily, but what Harry did was so baffling that Dumbledore couldn't even understand it. He was sure that Harry was given some kind of help, but no one appeared to take credit, even quietly.
-You love me, I love you!-
Prank Lord Potter decided to take his revenge by pranking all of wizarding Britain, every town, witch, animal, and even quite a few muggles. There were hundreds of pranks a day, a dozen per hour, all of it set in motion by Harry and hundreds of house elves. Dumbledore shuddered. The boy pulled off impossible actions just by waving his hand. And he couldn't figure out how Harry was doing it. Everyone was completely baffled by his actions even as they hid under their beds.
-Everyone is special in their own way! Come on, sing along!-
Impossible pranks hit the school several times a week now. He could list them by the hundreds and still be shocked. If his hair wasn't already white, it would turn that color over night. Now the latest in a long line of pranks was taking place. Harry reworked the wards for the whole school, turning them into some kind of giant projection that could wander around on its own like a magical construct.
It was pure evil!
-Won't you say you love me too!-
Three hours of Barney the Purple Dinosaur and he was seriously considering firing an Avada Kedavra at the thing. He ground his teeth as the 'I love you' song started up for the fortieth time. Four blasted lines, sung in an annoying voice, repeated over and over. Potter was going to rue the day he thought up this little stunt.
Even worse, Fawkes was humming the song! Dumbledore's eye twinkle was taking on a rather manic look as the minutes passed. Silencing spells didn't work, yelling at it was useless, and the only way to get it to stop would be to collapse the wards around the school. He was seriously considering it at this point. Who knew muggles could create something to drive themselves insane? No wonder no one understood them anymore.
He caught a glimpse of the giant dancing dinosaur with its cane and top hat dancing by his window, Potter's 'P' set right in the middle of the hat laughing away. Students were leaning out windows firing spells at the thing as it danced around the building, on the walls, and even over the forest.
Several arrows were sticking out of its backside courtesy of the Centaurs. Screams of agony filled the air whenever it passed over a group of people. Even the spiders were trying to take the monstrosity down, but they were just dragged along for several yards before they gave up.
That didn't stop the thing from dancing though. He winced as he heard Severus scream and start banging his head on a nearby wall. Albus was tempted to join him. After all this he could easily admit that he should never have sent Harry to Azkaban and left him there. It was so clear now, why hadn't he seen it before.
Then a miracle happened, the music stopped and for several seconds he could think in a straight line again. Sanity could return the school. He stood to give thanks to the gods that Potter's attack was finally over. Only to pale in shock seconds later.
-AND NOW BOYS AND GIRLS, BRITANY SPEARS AS SUNG BY ME! OOPS, I DID IT AGAIN! BWHAHAHAHAHAH!-
Mass screaming ensued.
Harry would have just shook his head and commented on how two-dimensional thinking dominated the magical world. Then grin like Gomez Addams as he made another million dollars on the stock market.
Cornelius Oswald Fudge didn't have anything to say at the moment. His bare backside was stuck in the air, covered in welts and scratches. Being selfish was normal for him so he never considered anything his fault. He was the Minister and his word was Law. Normally all he had to do was toss around some gold and he could do anything he wanted.
Then Dumbledore came up with his great plan to sacrifice the boy and take out the Dark Lord. It was perfect and he could ride the wave of victory all the way into another five years as the greatest Minister ever. But no, the boy had to throw a tantrum to get more attention. He couldn't just wait for the Dark Lord to show up just as they planned.
The little shit stain had to escape and cause problems. Fudge shuddered as he thought of the chaos that was getting worse by the day. Staying in the hospital was looking better and better. Though that woman down the hall that kept screaming about freaks was getting on his last nerve, he might have to order someone to gag her.
He sighed, maybe he could get that nice nurse to give him another massage with that ointment. Grinning, he lost himself in his own base pleasures. "Oohh yeah." He groaned happily.
"Freeeaaaakkkkkssss! I'll make you all pay for doing this to us!"
"Dad, shut up!" Dudley yelled. "The nurse is coming back."
"Oh, alright then." Vernon grumbled. At least she was cute and he wasn't throwing his shit around anymore. Off in the corner, his wife was curled into ball of sobbing uselessness. He might have to make sure she knew her place later on.
Harry closed the last page of the Book of Knowledge and shook his head. He'd finally managed to read the entire history of the Wizarding world, the good, the bad, and even the downright weird. Over the millennia, history so warped by pride and stupidity that hardly any of it was true anymore. Merlin was indeed real, but his actions were blown so far out of proportion that the man wouldn't even recognize his own history if he saw it.
He suddenly recalled being hit by that blue thing in the box. Whatever that thing was, it had belonged to Merlin according to the Book. After recovering from its attack he hadn't felt any different than before. So he wasn't to sure what the thing was.
Nicolas seemed quite pleased when it attacked him though. That old fart was on his list now. Oh yes, that one was going to pay for tricking him. Trying to look evil just made him look constipated though.
He shook his head and was sane for a few moments, but didn't let that slow him down any. The book fell into the hands of one worthy soul once every five hundred years so that there was someone around who knew the truth of things. Now that he had read the thing, all its knowledge was locked inside his head and ready for use.
One of the biggest surprises was that magic was sentient. An energy source that came into existence during the creation of the universe. Harry was magic's little pet wizard. Pat him on the head, there's a good boy, who wants a treat, yes you do. Pant Pant Pant. Can you sit up and beg?
He shook himself and glanced around the library once more. After more than a year he managed to read every book in the room and Hermione was just about finished as well. Her little spell under the thrall under that book had loosened her up quite a bit at least. She was wearing shorter skirts and showing of more skin that she usually did. Now all he had to do was find his green sharpie and wait till she went to sleep.
He shook his head and let the thoughts drain from his mind. Soon he would have to put all his learning and freedom on the line to go and spank a pair of old men for screwing with his life. His Penguin spell was working great, but he would have to make some changes soon. Having converted almost half the population into a random penguin species and given random orders to follow. The penguins were all converging on the Ministry as well for one final giant prank that was just waiting to be set off.
Though with Fudge out of office, it wouldn't be quite the same. Bones wasn't really his enemy so he he'd only pranked her once and moved on. Though the elves said she was a bit twitchy since he was ignoring her. Maybe he should hit Susan with something just to calm her down? Maybe an underwear vanishing trick to free all 'girls' from their confinement? Hermione could give him some ideas if she wanted to.
Soon the chaos would begin inside the Ministry itself and give him several hours to hit Voldie. The twit needed to be slapped around a little.
His 'Revenge of Barney' at Hogwarts was proceeding as planned. Snape was going insane and would soon fall. Dumbledore was losing it. Hagrid was safe from further pranks since all he did was not help talk Dumbledore out of the Azkaban plan. The rest of the teachers were just there, they could do what they wanted. Fudge was out of it finally and if he stayed that way, he would be safe.
A House elf in a green robe appeared with a burst of light. "Harry?"
"The four houses of Hogwarts have now been redecorated."
"Excellent, any problems?"
"None, the remaining elves in the castle were happy to help and the clean up will bring them all a lot of happiness."
"They're going to be humping the Headmaster's leg in joy." Harry stated.
"That too." Scar gave an evil grin.
Harry just laughed. "And Snape?"
"His closet now only has dresses and skirts."
"Excellent, everything is moving smoothly."
"The Twins said they were able to set those spells as well."
"Good, they had the best chance to get in there. Now we just wait till Voldie pulls his head out of his ass."
Scar nodded, recognized that he was dismissed and vanished the same way he appeared. Wandering over to the window, Harry looked out over the trees to the water beyond and watched the dolphins playing. He was tempted to go out and play with them again, but decided against it. A giant iguana was romping around in the woods uprooting the occasional tree and gave new meaning to the saying 'Does at giant iguana do certain things in the woods, that smell?'
Mrs. Weasley held the slightly shattered remains of a toilet seat in her hands. Her eye was twitching a little as she read the tag.
'It blowed up real good.
Thanks for the idea, Mrs. W.
It was still smoking too. Little did she know that the elves were starting to eye the Headmaster's leg with a glint in their eyes.
With the Dursley's away, getting rid of them was rather easy, Harry was able to get into their house again without being hassled by the morons that sometimes hung out there for his 'safety'. He quickly scanned the whole place from top to bottom for anything magic and located several items. However, he knew what most of them were. He relocated his mother's trunk from the basement, two more trunks in the attic he didn't know about, and finished setting up a bunch of pranks to greet his relatives when they got home.
They were due home in a week and he wanted them to know he missed them. After shrinking all the trunks and putting them in his pocket, he made his way out of the house with a swirl of his green robe. He put the hood up as he walked down the driveway and vanished in mid step.
He reappeared and promptly forgot about the Dursley family as he found himself standing at the top of a hill over looking a small valley. It wasn't very pretty either. He could feel the dark magic permeating the whole place. Even over a mile away he could tell that the place was just wrong.
His senses were attuned to ancient magic and how it felt. The wards around this place were ancient. At least a millennium and a half old, maybe more. Voldemort was down there in a hidden castle. Harry watched the place for almost half an hour wondering if a death eater would confront him for being there. He smirked, the Dark Turd was nearly out of followers so it was unlikely.
He recalled an explanation of from the Book. There could not be Light magic without Dark magic to give it balance. This was a secret that the wizarding world forgot about over the centuries. Voldemort didn't know, Dumbledore had no clue, and if the Ministry knew about it, they weren't talking. Everything had an opposite to balance it.
While an interesting fact, Harry was sure that none of them would realize what his final prank would entail. As far as he could tell good and evil tended to ebb and wane as the years came and went according to the Book. Right now, after almost fifteen years of relative peace, darkness was rising once more and fate chose him to balance it once more.
Harry accepted the idea, but he was going to do it his way. He'd given up on the idea of being normal long ago. He shook his head that was enough angst for this year. Time to have some fun. According to the Book, when Slytherin fled Hogwarts, he came to this small dark valley to make his plans for revenge.
He glanced up at what had to be a pair of panties hanging from a branch high in a tree. Apparently Slytherin did more than just plot revenge. Even after all this time the magic was still keeping the panties fresh and clean. He really didn't want to know how they got up there either. Ah, or who was wearing them at the time. Too much information, blasted Book!
Eh hem, the basic layout was about what Harry expected, but even with his enhanced abilities, it was hard to find the exact location. The whole area was on top of a Ley line so the magic was constantly recharged, just like at Hogwarts. He squatted down and let his magic out just a little bit, layering it over his eyes.
Even two thousand years later, the old magic put the current stuff to shame. Some enterprising Minister got the idea of making the wizarding world dependent on Wands so it would be easier to control the people and it worked perfectly. Voldemort was one of the few wizards that didn't become useless without his wand, or he would've been taken down instantly. Harry smirked a bit. Even with the man's knowledge he didn't bother to tell his own people about it, giving him power over them.
A decent idea, but it tended to make most magic users rather useless and unreliable. Giggling, he reached out and appeared to grab some of the fog running along the ground. Pulling out his wand, he cast several spells into the fog itself. Using the fog to hide wards was a genius idea. He figured Tom was the one to come up with the idea too.
All that talent and he wasted it killing people. Such a waste of talent, but then again, he was pranking just about everyone with his magical knowledge. It was ten minutes later that he finally heard someone heading his way. Standing he cast a quick spell and slowly faded from sight. Disillusioned, he made sure he was comfortable as two death eaters walked over to where he had been just a few seconds before.
"Look around, he has to be here somewhere."
Harry shook his head a little and thought. 'Ooh look we have a wand, we are great and powerful, nothing can stand in our way.' He pointed his wand at them and they still didn't notice his movement or anything wrong. Sheesh! A bolt of red energy flew and both of them collapsed to the ground, stunned. 'Oooh, that was hard.'
A quick detection spell told him that the nearest death eater was almost a hundred yards away. Of course he had whittled ol'Tom's forces down to next to nothing over the last few months. So he did have a little advantage, but this was almost too easy. On the other hand, he was just that good.
He knelt down and took off their masks to reveal Draco Malfoy and a gorilla, er, Gregory Goyle. Now where was Goyle's constant companion? He thought for a few minutes before remembering that Crabbe, Craple, something or the other was caught in that death eater sweep a few weeks back before the Pudding incident.
It only took him a second to find their Portkeys and toss them into a nearby bush. Now normally he might have altered their destination and sent them on since they were useless, but that just wouldn't do. Draco wasn't useless at all, just a complete moron, so something would have to be done to the poor boy.
Harry giggled as the light glinted off his glasses under his hood. "Now what shall I do with the two of you? Maybe Hermione wants a couple of sex slaves? Maybe you can join Umbridge as a Weresquirrel, or the Great Penguin Army needs some more draftees. Decisions, decisions, what shall I do to you?"
He pointed his wand at Draco's head and cast Legilimency. It was one of the more useful spells he'd put into use months ago after he found the original notes on the subject listed in the Book of Knowledge and combined it with some Muggle knowledge as well. Draco groaned as Harry dove into his mind and started tossing things around.
The boy actually had some mental shields, but they shattered after only a few seconds. The poor boy's mind was a complete mess. Memories were just laying around for anyone to wander over and look at. He spied Draco's recent activities and felt a bit dirty. Who knew Snape was into that kind of thing? The soap alone had to cost a fortune.
Harry made a note to never shake Snape's hand again. He knew where it had been now. Eeew. Maybe those dresses were the right idea for the man after all. He would also have to stay away from a certain rug, or burn it. Harry was tempted to leave a few suggestions behind as he riffled through the boy's brain.
Naw, he grinned again, and glanced at Gregory. He waved his hand at them and they vanished in a burst of light. He was gonna have to get a few items together to finish this off once and for all. Draco was dealt with and everyone else was off balance and didn't have a clue what he was doing. Luna and Hermione were working well together as well.
So long as they stayed away from certain books that is. He lifted his wand let a massive well of magic form inside him. Using this much magic wasn't a good idea on such short notice, but he needed to delay The Twit for a few more days. He figured this little trick would keep him occupied until the trap was set up and ready to close.
Giggling, Harry's wand let out a massive amount of silver magic that slammed into the Fog Wards with the force of a bomb. The whole valley lit up under the effects of the magic. Harry kept the spell going for almost a full minute before he started to hear screaming off in the distance. He let the spell go and slumped, beads of sweat forming on his forehead.
He was sure that this spell hadn't been cast in over a thousand years. It was the precursor to the current Expecto Pratronum spell and designed to clean out large areas of dark magic, cleansing them. If the screaming was any indication, he had just gotten a Dementor or two. Within a few days the dark magic filling the valley would be cleansed completely.
Time was up, he could sense them heading his way now. They weren't in very good shape though so he reached into his cloak and pulled out a handful of small glowing balls and tossed them on the ground around him. His wand transformed into the staff and he held it high. With a massive explosion he vanished from the small valley.
Squirrels fell from dozens of trees, stood up, shook themselves, and raced into the fog. Their twittering filled the night as more and more of them raced towards the valley. A giant Letter 'P' hovered high in the sky as startled cries filled the night. Minutes later something started on fire and things really started going to hell.
"Tree Rats! They're everywhere!"
Mirrium P. Kettlegum was in her early thirties, short, a little plump, and wore robes like a proper pure blood witch. Even then she could only stare in horror at the three thousand penguins standing in the courtyard in front of the Ministry. They were everywhere, on the ground, lining the walls, even in the trees. The scary part was that they weren't moving, just standing and watching.
Over the last several weeks she had been thankful that Prank Lord Potter had ignored her and her family, but she just knew that the wait was over. He had come for her at last. Several penguins squawked and turned to look at her, as if sensing her thoughts. There was demented look in their red glowing eyes.
She took several steps back in shock and wondered what horror was going to happen to her. Stories about Rita's near constant torture made the rumor rounds every day. The woman was going insane, but everyone knew the kind of person she was. She ticked off Potter all on her own and was now reaping the rewards.
"But, I didn't do anything to Potter."
In one huge mass of movement, the penguins waddled forward in perfect rocking step. She turned to run, but they were faster than they looked as they swarmed up the steps. Her eyes went wide just before they ran he down. Random penguins would open their mouths and with a loud scream, fire a beam of red magic at anyone nearby.
She went down hard, her plump body rolling under the mass of feet and flippers. The door to the Ministry exploded under multiple beams of magic from the animals. Their little beaks wide open, red eyes glowing as they swarmed into the building.
Her screams were lost in the chaos that was to follow. High above the building Potter's symbol started to laugh. Groaning, she pushed herself up on her hands and knees and looked around. The penguins weren't in the courtyard anymore, only a few of those were left and they were chasing people around. Mirrium could only watch as one of the younger female interns ran out of the building just as she was hit in the back with a beam of red magic.
Her robe and outer clothes vanished in a matter of seconds, leaving a topless girl running around in her panties and screaming at the top of her lungs. The girl's hair went from blonde to glowing green as another beam of magic hit her. The penguins all squawked louder as the screams increased.
Mirrium looked down at herself and was glad she always wore boring shorts and a bra under her robes. A nearby penguin looked disappointed. Ten more girls ran from the ministry in various stages of undress, slips, bras, and panties all visible and eye catching. Their screams were almost loud enough to shatter nearby windows.
Penguin laughter filled the building. Then Mirrium froze as a man wearing a green robe appeared on the steps and walked towards her with grace and style. Prank Lord Potter had come. She started whimpering as he came to a stop in front of her. She couldn't see his face, but everyone knew Potter.
He reached out, took her left arm and turned it around to get a look at her forearm. She just held her breath as he nodded to himself and let her go. "You better get out of here, only death eaters will stay in the building today." He giggled as she turned and made a run for it.
"She could use to lose a few pounds as well." Shrugging, he made his way towards the door just as another group of nearly naked girls raced out of the building with half a dozen penguins in pursuit. Just past the door was a naked man. He was stuck to the wall, covered in some kind of goop.
On display was his left forearm with the Dark Mark. The man saw Potter and nearly fainted. Harry grinned, his teeth glinting as he stepped closer to the man. "Why don't you hang out here for a while? I know an Undersecretary that would swear you don't exist."
The man fainted with a girly scream. Harry poked him with his wand a few times and shrugged. "And Tom thinks these morons will rule the Wizarding World? They can't even protect themselves."
Turning, Harry left him there. He figured the Aurors would find the moron eventually and maybe even remember how to do their jobs. He wouldn't place any bets on it though. They did let a Giant Chicken run the whole division at one point. He started humming 'Living with a Hernia' as he moved deeper into the building.
His penguin army was having a ball. Every room he came across was ransacked, shattered, and one giant mess. Every now and then he would come across a naked man or woman plastered to the wall, their arm locked in place and a Dark Mark for all to see. They all stared at him in horror as he looked them over and gave their mark a little poke and burst of magic.
Then just walked away with a little wave. They would find it a little hard to move around in an hour or so. He had already taken care of the really dangerous death eaters, most of these were just peons with big mouths. The only ones that got away were the pretty girls in their underwear. One would run by every few minutes, screaming prettily. He didn't want to get bored after all.
The Department of Mysteries. It was one of the areas he hadn't messed with yet. Their security was better than what most places had set up. Goblin security was even better and he was sure that they had a hand in setting up the wards around the DoM. He was a little impressed actually.
Someone, quite possibly a Wizard, got off their backside and did their job. Even the Ministry didn't bother to go to that much work. The wards were rather easy for him to see as well. He walked over to a door, tapped it with his wand, and watched them ripple.
An idea formed just as he pushed the ward with the tip of his wand. It slowly started to cave in and he sent a burst of magic into the ward. It shivered and collapsed, taking several other wards with it. He nodded and felt a bit better, for a second there he thought they might have gotten a clue.
Smirking, he opened the door, stepped into the DoM, and glanced around. Three times he opened this door and every time it took him someplace new. This room was as large as the Veil room, but it only held a pedestal. The room was almost completely dark, except for a beam of light coming from the ceiling to illuminate the pedestal.
It was calling to him. He wandered over to the pedestal and found that it held a simple piece of parchment. The spells laying the parchment were almost impossible to count, but there had to be hundreds of spells on the thing. He tapped it with his wand to see what would happen.
Several of the spells activated. Letters started to form on the parchment. -Hello Harry-
"Who or what are you?"
-Me and my friend Nicolas Flamel, oh and his wife, were the ones that set you free from Azkaban-
Harry didn't say anything for several seconds. He knew there was more to his escape from prison that he thought, just not who or why. "I had wondered about that."
-Do you know why?-
-We are well aware of the Prophesy and didn't think that Dumbledore was handling the situation properly. So we took steps to make sure you could prepare to confront Riddle-
"Interesting." Harry muttered.
-You are now ready to confront Riddle and we wanted to wish you luck and answer any questions you might have-
Harry tapped the parchment a few times. "Why hasn't the Magical World stepped up to take the jerk down themselves? It's not like I want the job."
-As you know we were losing the battle up until you took him down as a baby. Aurors and Unspeakables were dying on a daily basis. After Riddle fell there was no on left with the training to take over so the dregs were left over to continue. Even Mad Eye was only half trained at the end of the first war and it took him another decade to catch up. The Ministry has left things in limbo for decades now-
"I see, what about all of you?"
-We're all old men with nothing left to give except support, we aren't able to be on the front lines anymore-
Harry frowned as he nodded and turned around. A part of him just knew they were lying to him. When would old men realize that lying to get what they wanted wouldn't ever work? Shaking his head, he considered cursing them. He knew a way to get them through the scroll.
Deciding against it, he turned away from the paper and didn't worry about it anymore. It didn't really matter what the reasons were. They had given him a second chance and no one could have predicted he would take his revenge in pranking everyone. He let out a little giggle as he pulled his hood back up, they hadn't seen anything yet.
He stalked out of the room even as the parchment was continuing to write words. As the door shut behind him he found himself in the Veil room again. It didn't take long for him to start hearing the whispers again. This time though he knew what was going on and ignored the sound. The veil was more than the Ministry thought it was, the Book gave detailed information on the thing when asked.
Expanding his wand into the staff form, he aimed it at the top of the Veil and concentrated. His beam of magic fired out and hit the cloth that covered the actual veil. The whispering stopped instantly as ancient automatic spells activated.
The room seemed to shudder as the body of his Godfather was ejected from the veil. Harry's eyes were teary as he knelt by the body. There was no way anything living could touch the veil and live, but at least he could say goodbye to the last father figure he would ever have.
Crying, he tapped the body with his staff and it vanished in a burst of light. He would have to arrange for it to be buried properly. It was only as he stood up that he noticed that several men in Unspeakable robes were standing on the upper walkway staring at him. Turning to look at them, he made sure they weren't going to attack him.
With his godfather's body retrieved he made a show of pulling his green hood up to cover his face before striding out of the room. In his wake several giggling House Elves took a few seconds to redecorate the whole room as if it was Madam Puddinfoot's little hideaway. The elves added in their own little touches of course, like a couple of Unspeakables tied to chairs.
Harry didn't pay it any mind. He had other things on his mind now that his main goal was accomplished. The scroll and its information was still settling in his mind and reminding him that he did need to take care of The Dark Phallus of Whickenshire Way, or whatever he was calling himself these days.
Dumbledore and Ministry would be out of commission for several days at least before they could function again. His little attack on What's-His-Name should have hurt the death eaters quite a bit, as well as reduced the squirrel population a bit.
He couldn't remember what his plan was originally, it had been quite sometime since he developed the idea, just last month, or was it the month before that? Now he was drawing a complete blank. Shrugging, he figured he'd just wing it that always worked. He was lucky after all and the Chosen One, or something like that.
Reaching down he adjusted Little Harry as several naked girl ran by screaming. A gaggle of elves swarmed around him as they chased the girls, giggling and throwing mini pranks. The girls started changing colors or being hexed with jelly legs. It sure did interesting things to the a naked girl's body. Harry leaned against the wall, all cool like, and watched the show.
He would have to add this to his scrapbook, T and A as far as the eye could see, as soon as he started one. The Penguin transformation was starting to wear off as well now that it served its purpose. That made for more naked girls running around. Some were cute, older, and then there were the others.
Giving a dry heave, he tried not to think about the overweight naked men and women running around. Staggering under an imagined earthquake, Harry made his way over to the exit and tried not to heave his breakfast. The elves put a lot of effort into that.
Once outside the several hundred witnesses that gathered to watch the show turned as one to look at Harry in his bright green robe. They blinked, as one, and Harry waved at them. Then he grabbed some of his robe and ran for it! He vanished with his signature boom as soon as he was around the corner of the building.
The light was brighter, the leaves on the trees greener, the chirping of birds filled the air for all to hear. If one listened close they could hear a rather interesting version of 'It's a small world after all' in the back ground, raccoons dancing a little jig as it wore some boots. All in all, it was a scene right out of the candy-induced fantasies of a three year old.
Voldemort was stuck right in the middle of it, screaming, as he developed cavities from all the sweet goodness surrounding him. He crawled along, shuddering in horror as the most evil place he had ever found was reduced to a mockery of what once was. His robes were giving off smoke as the evil he exuded through his pours was slowly cleansed by the most insidious spell he he'd ever encountered.
Potter had done this, of that he was positive. His followers were useless, the few left untouched by Potter's earlier attacks were now, he shuddered, no longer evil. They were dressing in bright robes, patting each other on the back, and smiling at everything. It was a nightmare of unimaginable proportions.
The purging of darkness, of evil, from everything within reach of the spell was pure genius and he had no idea how the little bastard pulled it off. Ever since the boy's escape from prison he'd been doing the impossible. The walls of his latest hideout were disintegrating before his eyes. His men were turning gay and happy instead of being bloodthirsty killers.
Their eyes gleamed with an unholy light. Voldemort continued to crawl through what was left of the house and fighting off the dry heaves. If those birds didn't shut up he was going to use Fiend Fire on them that was for damn sure. There was only so much It's a Small World After All an evil overload could take before he snapped.
He'd take the forest with them as well. Peace and love and happiness made him want to puke all over the place. Sneering, his clothing still smoking, he staggered to his feet and noticed that even his skin was looking less snake like and more human. He stood there for nearly a minute staring at the forming human skin on his hand. What in the hell had Potter unleashed on him? He had to get passed the ward line, the one thing that didn't seem to be vanishing before his eyes.
For some reason they were still intact and untouched. Gritting his teeth, he broke into a staggering run. It would take him a few minutes to reach the ward boundary though. The smoke wafting from his body was becoming more pronounced, turning grey instead of the dark color that it started out as.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHAAA!" He screamed just as he made it past the wards.
His eyes went wide when he didn't vanish with a pop. Instead he flickered, lost his balance, and fell to his knees. He didn't understand what was going on and it was getting hard to think straight. Then in came to him, magical exhaustion, that was the only thing that would cause this. Fighting Potter's spell was taking everything he had to resist.
With narrowed eyes, his body shifted and a mangy looking squirrel appeared in his place. He twitched and wondered what happened to his Anaconda form. He was so shocked that the squirrel form's mind was able to get control before he recovered. It jumped its feet and ran into the forest around looking for a way to escape.
"PPPPPPPOOOOOOOTTTTTTTTTTEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR!" He screamed within the confines of his own hijacked mind as the cleansing spell washed over the mangy squirrel. The new form had no defenses and wasn't a dark creature. Voldemort quickly found himself gnawing on an acorn high up in the branches of a tree.
It was a rather nice day to be a squirrel. Just another day for Prank Lord Potter.
Even after the chaos within the Ministry of Magic the pranks kept coming in a never-ending steam. Amelia Bones stood at her window watching as a dozen rather large Plushies of various people managed to find and sit on anyone that got within twenty feet of the building.
They staggered around until they got within range of a target then ran over to them, slapped them on the back, and sat on them. The large laughing letter 'P' hanging over the building was getting annoying too. Not only had Potter captured over a dozen more death eaters, but he made it so that they couldn't do anything with them.
It was bad enough that anyone between the ages of 17 and 30 that entered the building would suddenly find themselves without their clothing and a tiny little tattoo on their bum of Potter's symbol. It was pure chaos and even worse, her people were saying that Potter still in the area. He hadn't left. Instead he was planting things, giving people weird looks, and giggling.
She hadn't even been able to contact Dumbledore for his advice. Instead some singing thing answered and gave her a wet willy out of nowhere. Her hair was a mess. Aurors were glued to the walls while everyone hid under their desks and tried to keep out of the way.
Glancing at the door, she blinked a few times as Percy Weasley floated by. He was puffed up like a balloon with 'Potter Ads' sticking to his back side as a couple of house elves in little dresses and pig tail wigs skipped along under him holding little strings connected to Percy.
"Mrs. Bones?" Percy whimpered.
They giggled as they vanished from sight. Mrs. Bones found Fudge's stash of Fire Whiskey and took a drink. Setting the half empty bottle down on the desk she let it burn down her throat with a sigh. She put the boy out of her mind for now. No one had actually died yet after all.
Bones was also receiving reports about what Potter did while he was in the building. Apparently he shattered a series of wards that were thought to be impassable. From there he entered several rooms and played around with several dangerous objects as his house elves redecorated things as usual. The Pink couches and orange curtains had to go, along with the fifty-two pairs of panties flying from top of the building like flags.
The Auror division had put up their own flag as well, a large pair of white boxers. Bones didn't blame them, they couldn't figure out what Potter was doing and this latest failure on their part was just too much. They wanted to get back to things that they understood.
Voldemort frightened them, but Prank Lord Potter brought them to their knees without killing anyone in the process. Madam Bones sighed as she leaned back in her chair and stared at the ceiling. Lightning flashed outside her window, someone screamed, and thunder rolled over the building.
Madam Bones wondered what the world would do if Potter ever got pissed off at them? And what would tomorrow bring?
Squirrels, they were small, cute, furry, and smelled weird. As the rain came slowly started to come down, Harry stalked towards the middle of the field just outside his home. He wasn't worried about he rain and his staff would absorb any lightning that fell from the sky.
He had several things on his mind as he walked, but the biggest of these was that the end of his revenge on the wizarding world was coming to an end. He'd played every joke he could think of, even a few cruel ones, and he was running out of ideas. So the time had come to end his little Prank War and move on with things.
He pulled a little mirror from his cloak and watched as the last of his pranks ran their course. Death eaters hidden in cells beneath the Ministry suddenly found themselves changing into piles of smelly brown substances of various hues and shades. The smell sent Auror's running for fresh air.
Elves armed with super soaker water guns were firing special potions at random people in the streets and swarming across the wizarding world like a plague. Screaming and crying followed in their wake and all of it was high lighted by thunder and lightning.
Krack Boom! Thunder rolled across the hills.
In the mirror, hundreds of miles away, Barney was still singing his songs and doing a little dance. Snape was firing Avada Kedevras from the castle mount in a hail of green fire, but having no effect. No one would blame him for snapping, he was wearing a dress, stockings, and panties at the time. He was already insane. Barney just burst into flame and did a rendition of St. Elmo's Fire with a little Elvis Hip wiggle that made several second years squeal uncontrollably as they jumped up and down.
Lightning flashed across the sky and Harry's final prank went into effect. Making his way up to a small hill in the middle of the field, he planted this staff at the top like a flagpole and made sure it wouldn't fall over, even in the wind.
Glancing at the trees he felt one of his wards trip and knew that The Dark Brown Log was on his way. Harry had felt the jerk break his spell a few hours before and the Dark Turd was mad as hell. That was just how Harry wanted the jerk. Every thing was set, potions were in position, and his elves had their orders. His eyes lit up with an inner fire as dark shapes swarmed out of the forest several hundred yards away.
Snakes, trolls, dementors, and hundreds of other dark beasts raced towards Harry in a frothing mass of evil. Oooooh scary. Stalking along behind them was Voldemort. Harry noted that Tom hadn't been able to break his enchantment completely. He was now a humanoid squirrel thing. Harry shook his head as he suddenly felt déjà vu.
He couldn't quite put his finger on the reason, but it would come to him, eventually. Instead he waited till they reached the halfway point, if Fred and George set thing up right, it would begin any second now. Bursts of light started exploding out of the ground as the monsters and animals raced over certain traps.
Transformations traps were easy enough to make, but for the magical world to do something easily was to give them too much credit. Everything had to be an elaborate plan, blow this up, stop that man, two dimensional thinking at its core. Harry had other ideas. He wanted people to leave him alone or he would hurt them, simple. His own two dimensional thinking, but it was his insane version.
Trolls fell by the hundreds, snakes vanished burst of light as their shadows twisted and writhed on the ground in shock. Demontors were weaving around in circles, confounded and sensing each other as food. They were soon attacking each other, which was a little too hentai for Harry's tastes. He had quite enough of that with Hermione's book.
That was why he gave it to the Demontors after all. He cackled as the army of evil was vanishing in bursts of light and writhing shadows. The rain continued to fall, but Harry ignored it, enjoying the show. His grin gave him a slightly manic look, but he didn't mind. There was only one target out there that was any danger to him and he was so outclassed.
Harry's staff flashed and a massive dome of energy rose into the sky and quickly formed a shield over five hundred feet in diameter. Harry noted that the next time he put up the shield that it would slice trees in half like butter. He winced a little and pretended that nothing had happened to those poor giants ducked down behind the trees.
Being sliced in half had to sting a little. He could always use them for potions ingredients later. Harry held his hand out and snapped his fingers and the second wave of his plan was set in motions. Voldemort was still too far away for them to talk, but Harry didn't mind, the man smelled kinda funny anyway. On a nearby hill Hermione and Luna watched the fight.
Even though they had helped to set it up, they were still a little skeptical that such a plan would work. On the other hand Harry's Prank War had done far more than they expected too, so they weren't that worried. Nearby Fred and George were using a water balloon launcher to toss things onto the battlefield. They were laughing so hard that they could barely aim the thing.
Trolls were starting to find out what You-no-Poo really meant when hit with some right in the head. It took five minutes to reduce Voldemort's 'army' to nothing
but a writhing mass of limbs, cloaks, and fur. His red eyes were wide and round as Harry stared down at him.
"Tommy, I figured you might come by today."
"This is impossible." Voldemort gasped. "My army..."
"Really Tommy, you should have expected it. I've been kicking ass since I escaped from Azkaban. Dumbledore hasn't been able to lay a hand on me, the Ministry surrendered to me this morning, and the rest of the sheep just do what they always do, pray nothing else happens." Harry started cackling insanely. "I've won!"
"I won't let you win, never." Voldemort screamed.
Shaking his head, Harry giggled. "I've done what you couldn't, I've taken over the Wizarding world. They'll do anything I tell them, I'm King, Hail to the King Baby"! I need a hamburger." His eyes gleamed as he snapped is fingers and a House Elf brought Harry his burger.
"Looking a little squirrelly there Dark Logginess."
Voldemort had his wand up and a burst of deadly green light was sailing towards Harry. Instead of ducking, Harry held his hand up and he was suddenly holding a small basket. He threw it into the path of the curse in the blink of an eye. Harry expected a bit of fire and an explosion.
Which he got, causing dust and air the set his and Voldemort's clothing flapping wildly. He also got, much to his surprise, five wisps of smoke soaring out of the flames cussing and cursing up a storm as they dissipated. Harry's eyes gleamed as he gave the Dark Buttercup a freaky grin.
"And with that, no more Horcruxes, Mr. Underpants!"
Over on the hill, Herminone looked at Luna. "Didn't Harry take care of those a while back."
Luna shrugged. "Heck if I can remember."
"Oh well, I guess it works out for us either way." She blinked a few times and a little twitch.
"Needs some salt."
Back with Harry, his grin got a little wider as a water balloon hit Voldemort from the side in a massive burst of liquid that blasted the Dark Crescent Wrench off is feet. Voldemort was starting to wonder if the universe was conspiring against his greatness. He was the destined ruler of the world after all. And why wasn't Potter firing spells at him?
This was a final battle, they had to fight. He pushed himself to his feet just as a custard pie hit him right in the face. And then it began, the torrent of the final prank. The rain was transfiguring into various items as they fell. Then there were the birds high in the sky flying in a 'V' formation, hundreds strong.
Phoenixes, hundreds of them.
His red eyes went wide again as he realized what the birds were going to do just as they dived at him. "No!"
Harry dove off the hill and ran for it as the birds dropped from the sky like a avenging god of fire. Then it was raining blobs of phoenix poo from the sky. Voldemort tried to shield, but the gooey mass ignored the shield completely, sending him to the ground. The sight and sounds of the attack made Harry laugh harder than ever.
"Hey, Dark Moron, your wand has a phoenix feather core, why would it work on a phoenix?!" Harry slowly stood and walked over the mess that was Voldemort and gave the man's foot a kick, the body twitched. "Just so you know, Phoenix Poo is just as pure and good as they are."
A bubble of goo rose up around Voldemort's mouth and popped. The white mess that had been a Dark Lord was helpless now. "All those enchantments you had, all those dark rituals, wiped away in a rain of bird poo and regular rain. Who would have thought it was that simple."
"I'll kill you for this, Potter." Voldemort wheezed, there was a blueberry taste in his mouth. He hated blueberries.
"This rain isn't coming down hard enough to clean you off that quickly and you see I never intended to kill you. I just wanted you to go the fuck away. So I came up with this completely random plan, last night, while I was in the bathroom squeezing off a log. The best ideas always come to a man when he's in the can." Harry nodded sagely.
"Kill you, skin you alive, and eat your heart while its still beating." Voldemort wheezed. He hated blueberries.
"So you see, I had this thought, if phoenix tears were so powerful, what about the stuff that came out of the other end a whole lot more and in larger quantities." He grinned as one by one hundreds of house elves in little green cloaks started to appear around the battle field, planting little spheres of light here and there.
"I looked up the idea and it turns out Phoenix tears cure any wound, but the poo, purifies dark magic. They are such a useful creature, and don't get me started on the pee, oh that stuff is pure gold in certain lands, that I can't name off the top of my head."
He pulled a familiar book of perversion out of his cloak. He heard Herminone squeak in the distance as she recognized her precious. "You Wizards don't know how to think. The ancients advanced magic on a daily basis, but not today's magic users, they use their wands to squirt water and wipe their asses. Magic is so useful."
Voldemort started to glow as his dark soul tried to rip itself from his body, a magical construct of dark magic, the man screamed in pain. "No! Not this, not this way, I'll do anything, I don't want to die!"
"Why Tommy, one would think you had a choice here."
The Dark Lord's body started to writhe and twitch, but a few seconds later a ball of dark red energy pulled itself from the body and rose a few inches in the air. Harry just opened the book in his hands to a certain page and held it towards the ball. The book glowed and sucked the thing inside it, the pages ruffled in the wind, as if letting out a contented burp.
Then it let out a real one!
Harry nearly dropped the thing, but he was to busy staring at the body at his feet as it changed. It shifted around until it turned back into a severed hand and a few pieces of bone. That was the end of Voldemort as far as Harry was concerned.
Now stuck in his new home, Harry would have to find the perfect place for a perverted book to spend its life. A library shelf just wouldn't work. It would have to be someplace where Voldemort could watch the world. Harry grabbed his staff and started to move off the hill, but stopped as he realized that thousands of little white eyes were watching him.
Even at a distance he could see squirrels of all shapes and sizes. They just stood there, staring at him, as if judging him. Harry was tempted to pose and mock them, but resisted the urge. Those phoenixes were still in the sky and they might be watching him too.
A gigantic squirrel, nearly four feet high made its way out of the mass of fur and eyes. Its matted grey fur suggested that it was very old and Harry could sense the wisdom and intelligence from the thing. It kept sniffing the air as it moved forward until it was just a few paces from Harry, who didn't know what to do.
Its rain-matted coat was just wet enough make it gleam in the sunlight. Then it surged forward, bit Harry's ankle, and ran off with all the other squirrels chasing after it, chitterling madly. By the time Harry fell to the ground cursing, the squirrel army was gone in a cloud of dust.
Minutes later Harry was back on his feet limping off the field. There was no sign of any of the army as he limped towards his friends. He had an idea and went with it just before he reached Fred and George, and tossed the book over his shoulder with a little burst of magic. It vanished in mid air with a tiny little pop.
"So what are you going to do now Harry?" Luna asked, tilting her head to the side.
They leaned forward.
"...going to bathroom." He pressed his legs together. I haven't had a chance to go since yesterday." He complained. "I've got to tinkle."
As for Voldemort, recently purified in such a unique way, and then absorbed into a book of perverted darkness. Well there was only one place for him. Hidden on a shelf in one of the well-used broom closets around Hogwarts. It was the best place for him to see all the action, and comment.
"Oh yeah, work that bottom!"
"I've kissed girls better than that!"
"You suck! Arch your back!"
As his words were silent, only printed in the book, no one had a clue they were being observed. Which was just as well, since the book was now called Riddle of the Pervert.
"Look at those Tatas!"
"Bounce baby Bounce!"
"Are your shorts getting damp? Hah! And Hah again!"
And he lived happily ever after, the biggest pervert in the world.
Tree Rats – Squirrels who smell funny.
Ending Notes: Well this is the end of Coven of the Rose. I'm not planning on doing a sequel so don't worry about that. When I started this it was to get a number of ideas out of my head and it kind of expanded from there. It got a bit bogged down there for a little while around chapter ten, but things worked out and I managed to pound out a couple more chapters before I lost interest all together. Of course that left the final chapter hanging for way to long, peaks, oh nearly a year and a half or so.
I blame, as so many others do, the seventh book where the innocence and fun of Harry Potter got lost in the final arc of the book. I can complain, I can think of many ways to do so, but in the end, I figured there were some fanfics out there that were far better than the last couple of books. And I won't name names, you know who you are, mystery author that haven't updated in over three years after twenty nine chapters and one small update telling everyone that the story was finished.
I'm watching you. _
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