Well, I still don't own Harry Potter, Silence of the Lambs, or anything else I'm ripping off. I DO own a beautiful new baby girl, tho. Hooray procreation!
As Ginny Weasley was cleaning herself up a bit after having a spectacular time, a post owl hooted at her window letting her know that she had received her Daily Prophet.
"Post is early today. Ah well, there's never anything interesting in the Prophet anymore, it can wait for later" she thought as she went back to bed where her eternal love and soul partner was waiting for her.
If she only knew how wrong she was.
So time's almost up for Neville and the twins.
Ah well, it's an experience he'll never forget. I promise.
By Rita Skeeter
In a stunning turn of events, it has been released to the Prophet that the trials of both Harry Potter (boy-who-lived, destroyer of he-who-must-not-be-named et al) and Neville Longbottom were manufactured from start to finish by the office of ex-Minister of Magic Rufus Scrimgeour.
According to documents and a secret journal found after his recent and sudden departure from the Ministry, these trials were manufactured to 'make the wizarding world believe that the British government was not completely inept, requiring 2 17-year-old wizards to save their butts' (quote from Scrimgrour's personal jounal).
Harry Potter's capture and trial were a direct response to 'a threat beyond imagination' for the Minister. In his journal he details:
"Harry Potter. What the hell am I supposed to do about Harry bloody Potter? He killed Vol…Vol…oh hell you know who I'm talking about. Now this Percival Weasley issue could be helpful, the only people that know that he was a death eater are me, Potter, Longbottom, and that Ron Weasley fellow that I compelled to obligate the rest of his family. Can't have them remembering that I cut off the poor boy's arm, can we? Maybe I can use that…
Now the Longbottom trial will be interesting. I just have to prove that he had that anti-dementor spell ready and he waited til somebody important got hurt to cast it. Have to get Delores to check who died from Dementors that night."
Sources state that a full contingent of officials are heading to Azkaban to release these two heroes and give them the recognition they deserve.
Harry and Neville's cell phones went off at the same time….about the same time that Neville did.
"Sorry girls, I forgot about an important appointment I cannot miss. We'll have to do it again sometime."
And with that, Neville apparated back to the castle prison.
Harry was whispering sweet nothings into Ginny's ear when his phone rang. He grabbed it, noticed that it was calling from the room alarm phone, and turned to Ginny.
"OK love, I have to go. But before I do, I'm going to need to oblivate you, just until this whole mess gets resolved." Harry said in a hurry to go.
"I guess that's fine Harry, just hurry back my darling." Ginny responded.
Now before we go any further, we need to have a small discussion on the scientific properties of magic, and specifically of wands. There are a few physical requirements for a wand to work correctly. One of the major ones is that a person's wand needs to be clean and devoid of any particulate matter in order to work correctly. This is doubly important when we're discussing bodily fluids. Remember back in first year when Harry's wand was covered in troll bogies? Had he tried to cast a spell while it was in that condition, this chronicler postulates that there would probably have been an explosion of sorts. And using your chopstick as a marital aid? Yea, that's probably gonna leave a lot of work for the waitstaff.
Another is that friction can cause unreliable results. Rubbing your wand on your sleeve to get the handprints off of it is one thing, but somebody that spends 5 or 10 minutes polishing it (their wand, that is) will need to make sure that they don't use it much for the next day or so, just to let the core settle back down. And of course, something like using it like a marital aid? Not recommended. Just conjure up something.
Now one of the most important requirements is that you need to remember that your wand needs a clear path for the magic to flow from the wand core. This is why most wands have a handle on them. The handle acts as a dampener on the caster's side, so that spells only come out of the other side. In situations like in Harry's second year, when Lockhart tried to cast a spell on them, the exposed core at the break provided less resistance to magic than the sealed front of the wand, so the magic backfired. Now of course, the stronger the spell, the more unreliable the results.
When Harry cast his oblivate spell, two things happened. Part of the spell came out of the front of his chopstick…um wand, and didn't remove her memories as much as fried her brain. She fell to the ground dead in moments.
The second thing that happened was that the other part of the spell backfired and hit Harry full in the face. Since he was concentrating on Ginny so much at the time he cast it, the oblivate spell removed all trace of her from his memory.
So a few seconds later, he shook his head to clear the cobwebs, looked around, and quickly apparated away, leaving in his wake a dead prostitute and a mystery surrounding her death that would never be solved.
Harry managed to get back to his cell, checked that Neville was there, and dispelled the first illusion to see Hermione Granger at his cell door.
"Hi Harry" Hermione started
"Hello Clarise" in a rather deep and resonating voice was Harry's reply.
Hermione started to sob. "Oh, Harry, Azkaban has driven you insane already, I knew that even without the dementors you'd go crazy, you don't even recognize your best friends…"
"First off Granger, I'm not insane. I was figuring a muggle like yourself would recognize one of the most well known prison lines in movie history." Harry outwardly fumed, while trying to hide the happiness he was getting from seeing the woman he was in love with. "Secondly, best friends? Any claim on that went away when you had me thrown in this hellhole. What do you have to say for yourself about that, huh? YOU knew the truth!"
"No Harry, I didn't! Scrimgeour had Ginny and I oblivated, we didn't remember anything of what REALLY happened!"
As Hermione said that, Harry had a tickle in his mind of 'Who's Ginny? Oh, it doesn't really matter. This is the woman I love here, right?" Apparently a screwed-up oblivation gives you some strange neural connections.
"And where does Ron stand in all this? Or his little sister, oh, what's her name."
Hermione blinked. He didn't remember Ginny, his one love, his darling? "Harry, you mean Ginny?"
"Ah, yea, her. The little bint. What's their part in it?" Harry said dismissively.
"What really happened was that right after you killed Percy, Minister Scrimgeour showed up, stunned everybody, chopped off Percy's arm with your sword, then paid Ron off to oblivate Ginny and I into believing that we had done it. It was apparently all a ploy to get you in jail so you didn't run for Minister." Hermione said with a grimace.
"Ok, I've had enough of this talking through the bars thing. Step into my parlor, as it were, my dear" Harry said, while throwing the door open with a flourish. "Neville, we've got company!"
A/N: Yep, all Weasleys must die. And yep, I suck for not updating in months. Well, having a new baby will do that to you. With any luck the late night feedings will keep my muse awake.
And to all those that complained, this is not a H/anybody story. May transmute into a H/everybody story, dunno yet.