(A/N: This is a parody featuring all the FF villains from FFVI-X. Sephiroth is taking a course in supervillainy but along the way he meets a number of very strange villains and a crazy teacher...
Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters. Square-Enix does. This disclaimer covers all chapters of this story.)
In an ordinary, small classroom with wooden desks and bright sunlight filtering through dirty windows, Kefka stood behind the teacher's desk, scribbling on the blackboard with squeaky white chalk. He stepped back to admire his handiwork. The blackboard read:
HOW TO BE AN AMAZING SUPERVILLAIN (Introductory Course)
The door to his left banged open. Kefka rubbed his hands in glee as the first student stalked in: a silver-haired man dressed in black. Sephiroth stopped short at the sight of him.
"I'm being taught by a clown?"
"Hee hee hee!" said Kefka. "Everyone knows that clowns are the most evil people around! So sit down and learn from me!"
Scowling, Sephiroth moved over to one of the desks at the front of the classroom and sat down. Kefka grinned maniacally at him.
The second student walked in through the still-open door. Well, not walked. Kuja never walked. He pranced into the room, swinging his hips, and made an artful bow.
"I see the stage is already set," said Kuja. "Now I, Kuja, the star of the show, have arrived, so let the pageant begin!"
Sephiroth stared at him. It was a man's voice coming out of those thin lips, but... "You're wearing a thong?" he muttered. God, he wondered, what was wrong with the traditional supervillain black?
"Do you like it?" asked Kuja coyly. "I think it suits me rather well."
Kefka interrupted them by banging on the desk maniacally with a ruler. "Welcome to the class, Kuja! Now sit down before I blow you all to smithereens!"
Kuja took the seat next to Sephiroth, who scraped the floor with the chair in his haste to get away.
"Wow, how do you get your hair like that?" Kuja cooed. "I can never do it, mine always goes feathery..."
"It's like that naturally," said Sephiroth stiffly.
"Really? And is silver your natural colour too?" Kuja reached over to stroke Sephiroth's hair.
"Yes!" he spat.
Kuja ran a hand through his own lustrous locks. "Hmm... maybe I'm using the wrong shampoo."
Sephiroth's expression darkened, but before he had chance to do what he really wanted to do – which was to skewer Kuja right there in the classroom with his Masamune – Kefka walked over to them, laughing maniacally.
"Ooh, Kefka, that's a lot of make-up you're wearing!" said Kuja. "What do you use? I prefer Rimmel."
Kefka nodded maniacally. "Yes, it's Rimmel for me too! I love that eyeshadow you're wearing, Kuja!"
Kuja batted his eyelids. Sephiroth snorted.
"You look ridiculous. Kuja looks like a girl as it is; why make it worse?"
"Aha!" said Kefka. "This is one of the great supervillain tricks you are missing, Sephiroth! Painted faces are a sign of villainy! How can you expect to be taken seriously as a villain without a bit of slap on?"
Sephiroth decided it was best not to respond.
The clown-faced teacher returned to the front of the classroom, behind his desk. He tapped the blackboard maniacally with his ruler. "Where are the rest of the students? They are all keeping me waiting! I will not have this, I shall destroy them all with my Light of Judgement! HAHAHAHAHA!"
Sephiroth and Kuja watched Kefka with dubious looks on their faces.
"And I thought I was insane," muttered Sephiroth. "This really takes the biscuit."
"I like him," said Kuja. Sephiroth gave him a withering glance.
Just then, the third student entered the classroom.
"I offer my sincerest apologies for my lateness," said Seymour. "I'm afraid I woke up this morning with the most dreadful bed hair and it took me hours to rectify."
"Wow!" said Kuja. He leapt up. "That's amazing! How do you get your hair to stay like that?" He indicated Seymour's ridiculous coiffered... thing. Like a blue lightning bolt sticking over his forehead, Sephiroth thought. Even mine isn't that ridiculous.
"It takes hours, I assure you," said Seymour, laughing in a slightly sinister and slightly gay way.
Kefka jumped up and down, enraged at being ignored for so long. "All right, now sit down Seymour! I'll make sure you'll be punished for your lateness! Take it up with my receptionist!"
"Ultros! The octopus downstairs! He'll have a few fun things planned for you!" Kefka laughed maniacally.
Seymour blanched. "Wonderful."
"Can we start the lesson now?" Sephiroth demanded. "I haven't learnt anything yet except what a bunch of freaks you all are."
Kefka banged on the desk with his ruler, almost snapping it. "Right! Since this is the first lesson, we're just going to have a little get-to-know-you session!"
Seymour took a chair next to Kuja, smiling. Kuja clapped his hands in delight. Sephiroth sighed, his fingers twitching over his sword.
Kefka waved his arms maniacally. "Firstly, what is your supervillain goal? Kuja?"
Kuja stood up, tossed back his hair and pouted. "Ever since I found out I was a mortal, I've wanted to destroy everything! I mean, it's not fair that everyone gets to live without me, is it?"
Sephiroth restrained himself from rolling his eyes with difficulty. "How childish."
Kuja glared at Sephiroth. "I won't let the universe exist without me! If the play has a finale, I must be in it!"
"Selfish, too." Sephiroth yawned. "Well, there's nothing wrong with that. But clearly you lack the intelligence to realise what you should really do."
"Oh, and what's your big plan, Sephy?"
Sephiroth stiffened. "Don't call me Sephy!"
Kefka stamped his feet hard so his class would notice him. (The ruler had snapped.) "Yes, Sephiroth! Tell us your supervillain goal!"
Sephiroth smirked. "I wish to become a God. I will destroy the planet, and use its power to become immortal."
The light dawned in Kuja's eyes. "Oh, that's a good idea! Why didn't I think of that?"
Sephiroth sneered at him. "Why, indeed."
Kuja made a great, sweeping bow. "You know, Sephy, if I didn't have an ego the size of the planet, I would hero-worship you!"
"I don't need your praise, pitiful mortal."
"Stop!" said Kefka. "We haven't heard from Seymour yet!"
Everyone turned to Seymour, who until then had been sitting quietly, with a small smile on his face. Seymour stood up.
"You wish to know my supervillain goal?" He laughed softly, in a slightly sinister and slightly gay way. "I intend to become Sin, so that I can travel my world, bringing chaos and destruction to all the people of Spira. I will bring death to everyone!"
Sephiroth nodded. "So that's how you plan to avoid death? By becoming a giant whale?"
Seymour frowned, but his smile returned almost immediately. "You think I am a pathetic, wimpy villain, I can tell! But I am already immortal."
Kuja jumped up. "How so? How did you do it?"
Seymour laughed, in a slightly sinister and slightly gay way. "I am already dead. Death is eternal. Death is where true immortality lies."
Both Kuja and Sephiroth stared at him, trying to work out how a dead man could be sitting with them, looking as normal as a man with freaky blue hair could look, and not like a zombie at all.
"Now that..." said Sephiroth finally, "is lame. A villain who's already dead? What's the point in that?"
"Oh, not as lame as a villain who's just a mummy's boy," said Seymour slyly. "I've heard about you, Sephiroth."
"Don't you dare insult Mother!"
Everyone laughed, but they were all drowned out by Kefka's maniacal laughter. Sephiroth felt his face burn. His fingers twitched even more next to his Masamune.
Finally, Kefka gazed at them all with an insane glint in his eyes. "You're all pathetic! I've never seen such a bunch of pathetic, snivelling, wannabe supervillains! The goal of a villain is to DESTROY! DESTROY EVERYTHING! Who cares what for?"
"He really is two sandwiches short of a picnic," Sephiroth muttered.
"Anyway!" Kefka continued. "NEXT! What's your proudest supervillain achievement? Sephiroth?"
Sephiroth stood up and lazily drew his Masamune. The insanely long blade flickered in the sunlight.
Seymour leaned over and whispered to Kuja. "That's a very long sword he's got there."
Kuja smirked. "Think he's overcompensating for something?" The two of them stuffed their fists in their mouths to stop themselves from laughing. Sephiroth didn't hear them. Instead, he lifted his blade and announced proudly:
"I killed Aerith."
Kuja's eyes widened. "You actually managed to kill off one of the heroes? Permanently?"
Sephiroth nodded smugly.
"Or, in other words," said Seymour, "you skewered a defenceless girl with an eight foot blade. Amazing. How difficult that must have been!"
"Did you ever manage to kill one of the heroes?" snapped Sephiroth.
"Then I suggest you shut up."
"But that wasn't even you, was it?" Seymour went on. "You were encased in Mako all the time; it was simply your mother Jenova assuming your form."
For a moment, Sephiroth was taken aback. How did Seymour know that? The blue-haired man smiled in triumph, obviously sensing Sephiroth's disquiet.
"It was my will being done." He glared at Seymour, and was gratified when the blue-haired man had the sense to shut his mouth.
"Why kill one of the girls?" asked Kuja suddenly. "I wanted my pretty canary alive and well in her cage." He sighed. Sephiroth stared at him in disgust.
"I did manage to marry the heroine," Seymour mused.
Kuja gasped. "What? You caught your canary?"
Seymour laughed, in a slightly sinister and slightly gay way. "Yes, but then she flew away."
"Ha!" said Sephiroth. He stabbed his sword into the wooden floor. "Beat my achievement then, if you can!"
Kefka stuck out his tongue behind Sephiroth's back. "Next! Kuja!"
Kuja smiled. He spread his arms and addressed his audience theatrically. "Behold! I am the angel of death! In the first act, I crushed all three kingdoms on the Mist Continent. And then I found my true power, and destroyed an entire world!" He let out his breath and stared around impressively.
"And... Seymour!" yelled Kefka, who seemed to be getting louder and more maniacal every second.
Seymour stood up and paused, as he thought. He stood there in silence for about five minutes while Sephiroth smirked and Kuja painted his toenails.
"Well?" Kefka jumped up and down and laughed maniacally.
Seymour hung his head. "I... can't really think of anything. Well... except that I did throw all the heroes in prison once. But they escaped."
Sephiroth rolled his eyes. "Impressive. I see now why you mocked me."
"All right, I know, I'm a lame villain!" said Seymour despairingly. "Even my hair is too over-the-top. That's why I need these classes!"
"You see," said Kuja smugly, "you've got to have style to pull an outfit like this off." He brushed a few specks of dust from his white sleeve and tightened his thong.
"And you've got to have class to pull off elegance like mine," said Sephiroth, throwing back his sheet of silver hair. "I can walk through fire without even singing my fringe."
Seymour hung his head. His stiff blue locks drooped a little.
Kefka banged on the blackboard with his fist. A cloud of chalky dust engulfed him and he cursed, before turning back to his class with a distinctly paler face than the grinning evil clown one he'd worn before. "You're all lame!" he yelled. "That's why I'm here to teach you! I am the master!" Kefka paused a moment to laugh maniacally. He continued his lecture, pacing around behind his desk and glaring at them all. "Killing flower girls, ruining a few nations... that's nothing! I am the ultimate supervillain because I actually succeeded in destroying the world!" Kefka grinned triumphantly. "And I did it for the hell of it! None of this 'Mother' crap, or turning into a giant whale! Destruction for destruction's sake! HAHAHAHAHA!"
The class stared at him, dumbfounded.
Suddenly, the classroom door creaked open again. A woman stalked in. Sephiroth noticed that she had black wings decorating her back. He frowned. Wings were his thing.
"Ultimecia!" Kefka greeted her. "I forgot about you!"
Ultimecia nodded stiffly. "Yes, that is probably bekause I hardly ever appear until the very end." She swept over to a seat on Sephiroth's other side. "Have I missed anything?"
"We were just telling each other our supervillain goals!" said Kefka. "Tell us yours!"
"Ah, of kourse." Ultimecia nodded grandly. "I intend to achieve time kompression."
"Oh yeah, time kompression! I mean, time compression! That's a good one!"
Sephiroth and Kuja looked at each other blankly.
"Well, that's today's class over, folks!" Kefka announced. "See you next week, if I haven't torched the entire world by then!"
Kuja sidled up to Sephiroth, a little too close for comfort. Sephiroth could see every one of his mascara-laden lashes.
"Fancy going out for a drink tonight, Sephy?"
Sephiroth finally lost control. "DON'T CALL ME SEPHY!"
Kuja pouted. "See you next week then. You all know I'm the best!" He blew Sephiroth a kiss, and then flounced out of the classroom, hips swinging.