Co-writen with ChaosDynastyDisclaimer: We do not own the characters of Final Fantasy 7 if we did then this would be either another game or an animated short. Also we wouldn't be wasting our time writing this cause we be rich and be able to pay people to do it for us. Sonux is the only original one here.
Sonux: Yo People Wazzup! This Whose Line with the cast of Final Fantasy 7.
Looks smart but not, Cloud Strife. Looks cute, but is whiney with cheese, Yuffie Kisaragi. Looks like a girl but is the ruler of the world (Yuffie: NOT!) Seffie-chan, err Sephiroth. Looks like Cid, talks like Cid, and smells like Cid, because it is, Cid Highwind. This is Sonux. Now let's have some fun, torturing our friends now shall we?
(Sonux then walks out of the audience and sits behind a small desk on the side of the stage.)
Sonux: Yo this is Whose Line. If you've been living in a cave and have no clue how this show works... YOU'LL SEE! When these guys (& girl) make complete fools of themselves. Points to Cid. Some on a regular basis. Now for the first torture ahem game: "Let's make A Date"
Cloud: We get to make fruit?
Cid: No you idiot! Yuffie has to pick one of us for a date (shudders). Then guess who we are.
Cloud: (Wines) But I have Tiffa...
Sonux: It's a game Cloud. She's not gonna get jealous.
Cloud: (perks up) Oh! Ok.
(The three boys make their way to the stools where Yuffie is waiting. They read the cards sitting on the stools)
Cloud: (leans over to Cid) Hey Cid, what dose "Anorexic Psychopath" mean?
(Cid takes his card and whacks Cloud with it)
Cid: Idiot! Your not suppose to read it out loud.
(Sonux walk over to Cloud and trades cards)
Sonux: Here Cloud, DO this, not say it.
Cloud: Oh! Ok!
(Sonux sits back down and motions for Yuffie to start)
Sonux: Okay, Let's get this party started!
Yuffie: (Combing her hair) Oh, I'm on now? Okay. Bachelor #1
Sephiroth: Oh yes?
Yuffie: If we were to move somewhere, where would we go?
(Text at the bottom of the screen says "Hyper active 16 year old girl on a sugar high")
Sephiroth: Hmm...we could go to Costa del Sol, cause it's warm, orwecouldgotoGoldsaucertherearelotsofgamesandridesthere, oh I likegamesandridestheresomuchfun! (He starts bouncing around on the stool)
Yuffie: uhh... alright... umm Bachelor #2
Yuffie: I like foreign foods. If you were to cook me dinner, what would you make?
(Text: Luigi of the Super Mario Bros.)
Cid: (With a very BAD fake accent) I lika som pizza, and soma spaghetti, with a spicya meatball. But, Ima way better than-a my shrimp of-a brotha. (He starts to groom an imaginary mouth stash)
Yuffie: Okay, you have issues. Um, Mr. #3.
Cloud: Who? Me?
Yuffie: Yes. I like animals, and my favorite is the dog. What's yours?
(Text: 8 year old who thinks Cid is a Chocobo)
Cloud: I like Yellow birdies! Ya know the really big ones (looks at Cid!) Like this one. (Jumps on Cid's back) Run birdie! Run!
(Cid throws Cloud off)
Cid: Just-a what-a you think you doin?
Cloud: You a bad bad birdie.
Yuffie: I like you. You've got spunk. Bachelor No. 1!
Yuffie: I like sweets. What kind of dessert would you get me on a date?
Sephiroth: Ooh! I likechocolateandsuckersandChocolateandtaffyandlotsofrockcandy, anddidImentionChocolate? Mmmmm... chocolate...
Yuffie: You sound like fun. Now Number 2. (Cloud snickers) I have two sisters. Do you have any siblings?
Cid: Where you-a not listening? I have-a shrimpy egotistic brother. Ooo! Look-a at me! Ima da hero again. I save-a da princess. Patoo! Just-a once, I like-a to be the hero. And-a not my red-a pant brotha.
Yuffie: Right, you still have issues. Bachelor No. 3
Cloud: Yes pretty lady.
Yuffie: (blushes) Um... I like to play lots of games. What are your favorite ones?
Cloud: (thinks for a second) I like playing with the birdies. I play Tag with them; I chase them all over the farm. (slaps Cid on the back) You're IT. (He then runs off)
Sonux: Okay that's the end. Yuffie, time to guess who they are. (Pause) Cloud, get back here!
(Offstage): But there are drinks and goodies back here.
Cid: What kind?
(Cid grumbles as Cloud comes back with a plate full of candy)
Sonux: Cloud, save those for later.
Cloud: (Wines) But I want them NOW!
Sonux: (looks towards the backstage) Tiffa!
(Cloud runs over to Sonux and dumps the candy onto his lap)
Sonux: Never mind! (Turns to Yuffie) Now, your guesses.
Yuffie: Well... Bachelor number one is my clone on a sugar high.
Sonux: Close enough. "A hyper active 16 year old on a sugar high."
Yuffie: Cid is an annoying pizza maker?
Sonux: Eh... no. Try again.
Cid: I hope-a you eat lot-a mushrooms.
Yuffie: OH! He's the tall green dude that helps Mario. Yoshi! I mean... Luigi. Sorry but the names sound alike.
Sonux: yeah... sure...
Yuffie: and Cloud is himself, with a crush on Cid.
Sonux: No. What does Cloud think Cid is?
Yuffie: A moron?
Sonux: There's that but... What are the yellow chickens you ride...?
Yuffie: OH! Cloud thinks Cid is a Chocobo.
Sonux: Yes, you finally got it right.
(All the characters walk back to their seats)
Sonux: Alright, that was interesting. A thousand points to Cloud for jumping on Cid's back. That's an image I'm not gonna forget. No matter how hard I try.
Cloud: So that means I'm in the lead?
Cid: Points don't matter you nimrod.
Cloud: (pouts) Then what am I suppose to do with them?
Sonux: You take them home and save them up, then when you have enough you get a free candy bar, and a free chocobo ride!
Cloud: (Eyes light up) YEAH!
Cid: Ya just had to say that didn't ya Sonux?
Sonux: Well, duh, or else I wouldn't have said it! Now, on to the next game.
Cloud: But I just sat down...
Sonux: Don't matter. This is for all four of you and it's called "Party Quirks."
Sonux: Not THAT kind Yuffie. So keep your shirt on, and Cid don't even go there! Now Cid you're hosting the party.
Cid: ANY party?
Sonux: Within censors. Now we have given the others a strange quirk or identity, and you have to guess who they are.
Cid: (rolls his eyes) whatever.
(Sephiroth shakes his head, Cloud Smiles, and Yuffie looks like she's about to throw up.)
Sonux: Now whenever you're ready, begin!
(Cid walks around the stage making grunting noises.)
Cid: There, now we have enough room for the sacrifice.
Sonux: I am SO not asking!
Cid: the first vic--err guest is here. (He opens the door for Sephiroth) Hello
Sephiroth: Hiya. (Text: A Can-Can showgirl)
(Sephiroth turns to the camera and starts kicking the air, while walking in to the house.)
Cid: ...You like kempo right?
Sonux: uh, nope.
Cid: Well whatever you do don't knock over anything.
Cid: that's definatly Cloud.
(Opens the door and it is Cloud)
Cid: Thought so. Come on in.
(Text: likes things that make noise)
Cloud: Nice doorbell.
Cid: Um, would you please come in and CUT THAT OUT!
Cloud: Okay. (He walks in) Oooh, punch. (Picks up a cup and makes noises)Bloup Bloup
Cid: The hell…?
Cloud: Just filling up the cups. Now where's the bathroom?
Cid: (very confused) down the hall, on your left. Just watch out for the tie bo kid over there.
Cid: Shut up! It's harder than it looks.
Sephiroth: (falsetto) Speak for your self. I have to do this three times a day for an hour.
Cid: Then you'd have good looking buns.
Sonux: Cid where the hell did that come from!
Cid: I'll tell you later.
Cloud: (finds "bathroom") OOOO! Nice toilet. (Flushes)
Ding Dong Ding Dong
Cid: Just another headache. (Opens the Door) Hey, Yuffie.
Yuffie: (looking VERY pissed.) Where is she? (Storms in) I know she's here.
(Text: Cid's fiancé convinced he's cheating on her.)
Cid: (blinks twice) Uh, I don't what you're talkin' about.
Yuffie: (turns to Cid) Don't play dumb with me Mr. Hot-Shot-Plane-Boy.
Sonux: Uh, two words… no comment.
Sephiroth: But isn't that a comment itself?
Sonux: Not if I say it ain't, and guess what. IT AIN'T.
Cloud: Hey, Cid. Your faucet is dripping. (Head fallows each drop) Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip.
Cid: Cloud I don't care how much it interests you. STOP MAKING NOISES!
Sonux: Close enough. (Cloud heads back to his seat.)
Yuffie: You still haven't told me where she is yet.
Yuffie: (holds an imaginary hair) the owner of this hair. I found it on you underwear while I was doing our laundry.
Cid: (turns to the camera) It's not what it looks like, Shera!
(Sonux falls off his chair laughing)
(Sephiroth finally stops kicking and sits on the step)
Sephiroth: (Falsetto with bad accent) When am I getting paid for this show?
(Yuffie turns to glare at him)
Yuffie: So you're the floozy, who's trying to take my Cidy away.
(Cid face faults in the classic anime style)
Cid: NOW I'm REALLY confused.
Sonux: Aren't we all. Well except me cause I have the cards, but that's besides the point.
Cid: Be quiet! I'm trying to explain to my girlfriend that I'm not cheating.
Sonux: Nice one. But it was "your fiancé".
Sephiroth: (Falsetto) Someone put on my music for me. DA da dadada daaa daaaa dada dada.
Cid: Could someone get this French dancer out of my house?
Sonux: (sings) What is the dace that came from France…?
Cid: The Can-can?
Sonux: Yes finally, you got it. Took ya long enough! (Cid grumbles as he heads back to his seat.)
Sonux: How about that 2,000 burpSorry, pizza. As I was saying, 2,000 points for Cid and Yuffie, the cutest couple I've seen!
Cloud: But that means that I'm not winning anymore!
Sephiroth: How many times do we have to say it, THE POINTS DON'T MATTER!
Cloud: Then how come we have them?
Sonux: long story, and I'm short on time. Now for the next game……Scenes from a hat! (Evil glare at Cid)
Cid: (mutters) Oh &$.
Cloud: Cid, What does &$ mean.
Cid: … (Sweatdrops)
Cloud: HEY! Cid pulled a Vincent!
Sonux: Okayyy. First scene! (looks at card) well that's already done.
Cloud: What did it say?
Sonux: Next scene
Cloud: That's not what it said!
Sonux: Lets just get on with the show, for our prestigious audience and viewers. WAIT! Where did that come from?
Cloud: I learned two new words today!
Sonux: That's nice Cloud. Anyway, the next scene is: "FF7 catch phrases in other languages!"
Sonux: Cid, that doesn't change in any other language.
Cid: I know, that's why I said it!
Sonux: Okay, next scene! Limit Breaks that will never work!
Yuffie: BUBBLE BRA BASH!
(All males, including Sonux, facefault)
Sonux: Actually that might work for some, not mentioning any names.
Cloud: (motions Yuffie over with him) FINAL FANTASY FLASH!
(Censor appears over Yuffie's chest, because Cloud "accidentally" lifted up her shirt.)
Sephiroth: That would actually be an attack if it was Tifa!
(Said girl appears out of nowhere and uses Final Heaven limit break on Sephiroth)
Sonux: NEXT SCENE! "The thoughts going through Cid Highwind's mind when he first joins AVALANCHE!"
Cid: How the # did I $#&$ get stuck with these #& lunatics!
Sonux: Well, since he's the one that said it, that's most likely what he really was thinking. Anyone else?
(Cloud and Sephiroth are still writhing in pain and agony, while Yuffie is still hiding from embarrassment)
Sonux: (tosses two X-potions to Cloud and Sephiroth) Now for the next scene! (Evil grin) Ohhhh this is gonna be good! "What Shera really thinks about Cid!"
Cid: What more can I say, He's perfect.
Yuffie: I # can't stand that #&.
Sonux: Do you think that she may actually swear more than him!
Yuffie: Well she lives with him. Why wouldn't she?
Sonux: Hmm, good point.
Yuffie: He is such a $$#& baby. Always $#&( about his & tea and that $&$ rocket, and especially when he # runs out of $# cigarettes.
Sonux: (laughing hysterically) THAT IS SO TRUE!
Cloud: I'm learning lots of new words today!
Sephiroth: What are we gonna do with these morons?
Sonux: Have them do the next scene, which is……….(looks off-screen) do I really have to read this? Humph, FINE! (Mutters) &$# $. Okay the scene is: "College courses FF7 characters would teach."
Cloud: Hello I'm Cloud Strife, and I am your advanced quantum physics teacher.
Yuffie: Knit one, curl two, knit one, curl two. Soon your sweater will be done.
Cid: How did I get stuck in the $ Daycare. (Is hit over the head) OWW, why can't I swear? (Is hit again) okay I get the point! Sheeesh.
Sephiroth: OKAY YOU PANSIES, THIS IS HOW I WANT IT DONE (breaks out into cheer routine) AND ONE AND TWO AND THREE AND FOUR. THIS IS HOW WE'LL GIVE YOU MORE!
Cloud: (motions over for Cid to come with him, and Cloud proceeds to get on all fours) Hello, I am Nanaki. (Walks behind Cid and sniffs his butt) I'm in charge of security.
Sonux: You should be glad that he hasn't had any beans today, after all that's why he's often called by he last name instead of his first. HighWIND!
(Cid glares at Sonux)
Sonux: And now: "Advent Children Outtakes"
Cid: (pokes his right arm) Damn paper jam.
Cloud: Catch me Cidy.
Sephiroth: Shut up and let's do this…. (Starts river dancing)
Yuffie: You're late, Cloud.
Cloud: (whines) I had a hair appointment…
Sonux: All right, that's enough torture for me. We'll be right back to find out who the winner is.
Cloud: Can I get my candy back?
Sonux: Sorry, I ate it.
(Commercial Break staring the benefits of Mako energy as supplied by Shinra)
(Now back to the Show)
Cid: Breath, Cloud! Breath!
Cloud: Gasp okay
Sonux: (left eye twitching) Welcome back to Who's Line is it Anyway? Our winner tonight is Yuffie.
(Yuffie smiles and waves to the crowed while Cloud pouts.)
Sonux: Now for the final game , that I'm joining in on: Irish Drinking Song! With Aries in the piano.
(The audence appalse while Cid grumbles about not having any "drinks")
Sonux: Now I need an idea from you guys. Tell me a reason why you might ware a hat.
(Various ideas come flying out of the crowd.)
Yuffie: I heard "Going Bald"!
Sonux: Works for me. So we will do the Going Bald Drinking Song, take it away whenever you're ready girl.
All: Ooooooooooh didedidedide didedidedi.
Cloud: I just went to the barber.
Sonux: he told me he had bad news.
Sephiroth: He said I'm going bald.
Cid: Am I crazy to believe you?
Cloud: He said that it was the truth.
Sonux: It hurt and I couldn't bear it.
Sephiroth: Now I'm stuck wearing a hat.
Cid: Cause I don't want to look like Barret!
All: Oooh didedidedide didedidedi.
Sonux: I don't just wear hats.
Sephiroth: I sometimes wear wigs.
Cid: But they just don't feel right.
Cloud: I like Figs!
Sonux: Where did that come from?
Sephiroth: I really don't know.
Cid: Should we ask him?
Cloud: I've really got to go!(starts squirming!)
All: Ooh didedidedide didedidedi.
Sephiroth: I have lots of hats now.
Cid: I put 'em all on a rack
Cloud: I gotta find the bathroom.
Sonux: Cloud, stay on track.
Sephiroth: Where is the Bathroom?
Cid: It's the third one on the right.
Cloud: I hope I don't get lost.(runs off)
Sonux: (shouts)When you're done turn off the light.
(Yuffie runs in to take Cloud's place)
All: Ooooh didedidedide didedidedi.
Cid: So What do we do now?
YuffIe: I'm here playing this game!
Sonux: You know this really sucks.
Sephiroth: and I think I'm going insane!
Cid: Come join the club.
Yuffie: That makes more than two.
Sonux: What are we singing about?
Sephiroth: I really don't have a clue!
All: Ooooooooooh didedidedide didedidedi. Ooooh didedidedidedie die dee die dee dieeeeee.
Sonux: Well that's all for tonight. See you all next time for another Who's line is it anyway? FF7 style!