Oh So Pretty


"No, Ed! To the right! I said, to the right!! Not left!!!" Eddy hopped up and down with vehemence, hoping to get it through to Ed that he should steer their Magic Sprinkler, also known as: A watering can and hose tied to the back of a bike, to the right. Eddy's hopping didn't do anything but cause him to fall off the bike onto the rather hard pavement.

"Eddy!!" Double D called after him. In seconds they were speeding off, too far away from Eddy for communication. He watched as the small outline of Ed and Double D grew smaller, as they faded into the horizon. Then he saw them swerve straight into a tree. Ed never was able to figure out which way was right.

***

"Hey, guys! I have a better idea on how to make cash!" Eddy said excitedly, as he hung upside down from the monkey bars of the playground. Double D sat in a tire swing nursing an injured foot.

"As long as it doesn't have anything to do with a very fast moving vehicle, a watering can, and a quite unfriendly tree, I'm all for it." He replied forlornly.

Ed, who was too busy dumping sand on his head, didn't respond.

"Do you know where Sarah and Jimmy are?" Eddy asked, still upside down.

"No, why?"

"Well, as it happens to be, they are playing "dress up"!" He cackled at the thought of playing dress up, he saw it as sheer stupidity.

They heard a sudden, "Oh Jimmy, you look so pretty!" in the distance.

"Do I really, Sarah?" Jimmy squeaked. "Don't you think my mascara is slightly smudged? And I think a bit more lip liner would be appealing!"

"They've gotten all worked up over this idea that they need to be "pretty". And that's why we," he jumped down from the monkey bars to the ground. "are going to make a lovely assortment of cosmetic products, and we are going to display them on our prize model!"

Double D began counting things off on his fingers. "No moving vehicles, no water, no trees, sounds good. So all we have to do is produce a heterogeneous supply of cosmetics, hair care products, and clothing items of the most trendy and fashionable brand names accessible, and a gorgeous slim, tall blonde super-model to sport these technicalities."

"Exactly!" Ed said grinning broadly. "And we already have our super-model right here! Don't we Ed?" There was no reply. "Ed?" Ed was gone.

A head emerged slowly and unexpectedly from the sand. "I am the lockness crab monster!" Ed said stupidly. He looked down at the sand, causing him to go cross eyed. Then he looked back up at Eddy and Double D. "The lockness crab monster is stuck and cannot get out." The other two sighed, and dug him back out.

Eddy brushed the sand off his hands once Ed had been freed, then said, "All right, now let's get started."

***

"Now Double-D, your job is to make the clothes. We need: a "sporty summer suit", a "with-it winter wardrobe", an "awesome autumn apparel", and a "sassy spring fling". Anything else you can figure out would be great."

"But Eddy-"

"Now, now Double-D when will you learn not to contradict the boss! Time is slipping away from us! Ed, you follow me." He said this all very cheerfully. It was obvious he thought this plan was going to work.

"Where am I going to find Polyester and cotton and hydroxypropyl for the dyes?" Edd shouted at their retreating backs.

Eddy stopped mid-skip. "How long have you known me Double-D?" He asked as he turned around. "We're not going to go through the trouble to make the clothes, or the make-up. Tell me, can't you think of someone who would have these things? Or maybe three someones?"

"Oh no…" Double-D said, his eyes widening with fright. "You don't mean…"

"Yes. Go to the Kankers house," even at the mention of this name, Double-D cringed with fear. "and simply sneak in one of their rooms when they're not there, and borrow some of their items that we can later pawn off to little children seeking charm and splendor and beauty! Have fun!" Once again he trotted off to his house, with Ed, walking on all fours like a crab, close behind.

***

The Kankers' room was horrible, in Edd's opinion. They shared the same room, one bunk bed and one regular bed. The walls were adorned with pictures of a sickeningly charming and delightful boy band, each with a head of slightly crested, bleached at the tips, hair. The beds sheets were bright purple with flowers. There was a purple inflatable chair, accompanied by an abundant amount of stuffed animals, overflowing from what seemed like every available corner, nook, and cranny. Edd quickly stuffed an abundant amount of clothing into the suitcase he had carried along with him, although it hardly made a dent in the closet since there was simply so much. He opened the drawers in the bureau, and dumped half the contents of the drawer into the suitcase. He hurried back through the window and dropped lightly onto the fluffy pillows cleverly placed to break his fall, then hastily rushed down the street to Eddy's house.
***

"Okay Ed, this is what you need to do." Eddy reached into the disorderly and deadly pit that was the space below his bed, and pulled out a book that looked as if the last time it had been used Theodore Roosevelt was still in presidency. "Just balance this book on your head, and walk across the room! That way you can be more graceful."

"Ama-azing Grace…" Ed began to sing quite off-tune.

"No, not Amazing Grace, stupid. Graceful. Women are very graceful, didn't you know that? Here!" He thrusted the book in Ed's face. "No Ed! Balance it on your head! Not on your butt!" Eddy seemed on the verge of insanity from frustration.

"But it's my butt."

"You know, things aren't nearly as funny the second time as they were the first time you said them."

"Ha-ha." Ed jutted his head forward at a peculiar angle. "But it's my butt."

"I know it's your butt! Did I say it was my butt? Why would I want your butt? Just put the book on your head!" Ed obeyed without another word. "Now walk across the room, it's easy."

Ed seemed to be about to actually walk, but before he did, he whipped his head around to look at Eddy, who was currently standing behind him. "Look Eddy! I have a hat!" He shouted at the top of his voice.

Eddy was about to shout something rude that would make the rating of this story have to change, but Double-D raced into the room at that exact moment.

Distracted, Eddy shouted, "Good! Exactly what we need right now! We'll be back in a sec!" He dragged both Ed and Double-D's suitcase out of the room, leaving Double-D in isolation in Eddy's disoriented bedroom.

Nevertheless, Double-D didn't have to wait long. Soon the door was flung open, and Eddy stepped into the room. "I present to you," he said, spreading his arms wide with flourish, "Edwina!" Ed, or "Edwina" stepped ever so gracefully into the room. Double-D's jaw dropped soundlessly. Ed was wearing a wig of flowing auburn hair, and had on refined and genteel make-up so he was hardly recognizable. The dress was a sanguine red, with thin straps. He had matching blood red three inch high pumps. He strolled elegantly to the mirror, and Double-D could see that if that book had been placed on his head now, it would not fall off. Once he reached the mirror he voiced, "Oooh, pretty." It was quite a shock to Double-D to see someone so feminine and urbane have the same voice of Ed. It was rather disturbing.

"Isn't it great?" Eddy exclaimed vehemently. "He will model all the clothes and hair care products for us, and everyone will just have to buy our stuff!"

"But what if we need more models, Eddy?" Double-D inquired.

"You can do it too Eddy! You would look pretty!" Ed batted his heavily mascara coated eyelashes.

"Yes, Eddy, that would work well!" Double-D piped up.

"Oh yeah? I don't see you dressing up like a…a…female!"

"Yes, yes! We need three pretty ladies!" Ed said, never ceasing to act in a sophisticated manner. Without further inquiry, he grabbed them both by the back of their collars as Eddy had done, and dragged them into the same room in which he himself had been transformed.

***

The three emerged from the other room later, and once again looked in the mirror in Eddy's room.

"We are oh so pretty." Ed said as he stood behind his two friends, as they stared at their own image in awe.

"Maybe we shouldn't sell this stuff…It does look…Nice." Eddy uttered.

Double-D seemed torn between fascination and disgust at how unhygienic the make-up he was wearing must be. "Oh dear, let's not make this a hobby."

"Oh but Double-D, you do look so pretty."

"Ed," Edd said forlornly, "you need to expand your infinitesimal vocabulary."

"Pretty, pretty…"