New World, Same Idiots

By Artikgato

Disclaimer: Fullmetal Alchemist is not mine. The creator would probably be scared at what I do with the characters.

Author's Notes: Anyone who knows me or my writing style could see this coming a mile away. Basically, I've been recently obsessed with Fullmetal Alchemist. What happens when I become obsessed with an anime/manga? One of two things. One, I pick a couple and write soppy romance stories about them. Two, I write insane parody fics about the series. Guess which one I picked?

Now my style of insane crack-fics is a little on the…strange side. Not to mention this story is just chock full of inside jokes. So, let me explain a few things first.

First of all, all the characters have the same personality, powers, bodies, etc. etc. The only real difference is the fact that the setting is slightly more…modern. In other words, there are modern-day cars, modern-day buildings, etc.

Oh, and I should give a little bit of a warning. There is implied Greed/Envy in this fic. It is only because I happen to find the coupling ridiculously hilarious. If I decide to write past chapter three, there MIGHT be implied Roy/Ed, but only because I find that couple ridiculously hilarious as well.

I DO NOT ACTUALLY SUPPORT THESE COUPLES. I just find them funny. I'm making fun of them, not promoting them. So if you're offended by them, you should read anyway. Because I said so.

Oh yes, and beware out-of-characterness. Especially with Envy. It's not that it's difficult to write in-character Envy, it's just so much more fun to have him OOC. Besides, he's such a lunatic that he might actually act like this, to confuse/piss off people. And stuff.

One last note! I'd like to thank my partner in crime, Kat, for helping me with this story. I wouldn't have ever come up with half of this stuff without her. She's also responsible for the implied yaoi, so if you hate it you should track her down and beat her with fish. Or something. So anyway, here's to you, Kat!

Chapter Notes: I dressed as Envy at a convention, and was still in character. Kat took on an Ed-like role…because she's short. When it came time for us to cook dinner, this idea popped into my head. Here you go, enjoy!

CHAPTER ONE: COOKING WITH ENVY

"ARGH!" came a familiar sounding cry from the kitchen of the random apartment thing that Ed and Al were staying at, courtesy of the military.

"What is it, big brother!" Al exclaimed, rushing into the kitchen, knocking over several shelves, pots, pans, picture frames, and couches on his way.

Ed stood at the refrigerator in the middle of the kitchen, which was gaping wide open. In fact, every cabinet in the kitchen was gaping wide open, and they were all completely devoid of food. The only food in the kitchen was a lone jug sitting in the refrigerator. A white jug.

"The only food in this stinking kitchen...is MILK!" Ed shrieked.

Meanwhile, at Central

Roy Mustang cackled evilly, getting not so much bewildered, as "he does this all the time" looks.

Back with the Elrics

"What will we do, big brother?" Al asked.

"Well Al, you're fine, 'cuz you can't eat anything," Ed replied. Unnoticed by Ed, Al tromped off to a corner to sulk.

This was unnoticed by Ed because at that point, a certain green-haired homunculus decided to enter the kitchen.

Through the window.

Hey, nobody said Envy wasn't a tad off-kilter!

Anywho, Envy entered the kitchen through the window, grinning somewhat maniacally as he did so.

"Hello my dear younger brother!" Envy called.

"What the hell are YOU doing here! And what's with the 'dear younger brother' crap!" Ed demanded.

"I'm just here to spend a little...quality time with my younger brothers! Is that so bad?" Envy replied. Ed twitched, and muttered something along the lines of "stupid transvestite musta been smoking something".

"Well we don't NEED your 'quality time', you weird green-haired freak!" Ed retorted, only to find that he was being completely and totally ignored as Envy meandered around the kitchen, peering thoughtfully into every open cabinet.

"So Ed, run out of food, did you?" Envy asked.

"No, that stupid Mustang didn't give us any!" Ed snarled, annoyed at being ignored AND talked down to.

"Well then, I've got a solution for that!" Envy sang, and headed for the window. "I'll be back in a few minutes, Chibi-kun!"

"DON'T CALL ME CHIBI!"

In a Few Minutes...

Ed's mouth hung open in surprise. He hated to admit it, but Envy WAS good for something. Said homunculus had a literal mountain of food on his back.

"I'm ba-ack!" Envy called.

"Where did you get all of that food?" Ed asked, curious.

Meanwhile, at Greed's Hangout-ish Place

"Hey Greed?" Martel called from the kitchen.

"What is it?" Greed asked.

"All the food...is gone..." Martel trailed off.

"WHAT!" Greed demanded, rushing into the kitchen. Indeed, there wasn't a crumb of food in their kitchen, or in their storehouse. The only thing that WAS there was a small piece of paper with green writing on it.

Dear Greed,

I had to borrow some...okay, ALL of your food. For a good cause. It's not like you need to eat, right?

With all my hate,

The Everso Sexy Envy

Greed twitched.

"DAMN YOU ENVY!" and with that, he stalked out into the night...or day...to go in search of his evil, sadistic, thieving, though admittedly cute, rival of a Homunculus.

Back With the Three Elric Brothers...yes, three. Envy was an Elric too, yanno! Gosh!

"There's one condition, little brother," Envy said.

"What's that?" Ed asked with an eyebrow raised, knowing he would grow to regret the consequences of asking.

"You have to let me teach you how to cook!" Envy exclaimed.

"..." Ed said.

"Worm?" Envy asked.

"You're not trying to poison me, are you?"

WHAM

Envy dropped all the food and smacked his imprudent, though adorable, little brother over the head with a cast iron skillet.

"...ow..."

"Big brother, I heard a clang! What's going...on...?" Al trailed off as he dashed into the room.

"Oh hello, little little brother! I'm just teaching your big brother here how to cook! Or at least, I'm trying to," Envy said, glaring at Ed.

"More like killing me with food poisoning," Ed muttered. Envy glared, but tossed aside the cast iron skillet (to be caught by Al) and busied himself with grabbing random ingredients off of the floor and cooking implements off of the table.

"Cooking really isn't that hard. It's just like alchemy! You can learn too if you want, Alphonse," Envy said.

"Umm...no thanks," Al replied, and attempted to sneak away.

"Oh no you don't! You're not getting out of this one! Besides, once we get your real body back, you'll know how to cook!" Ed said.

"Oh, all right," Al consented with a sigh.

"Okay, for dinner tonight we'll be having...SHRIMP!" Envy announced.

"HEY!" Ed exclaimed.

"Not you, shrimp. THESE shrimp!" Envy exclaimed, holding up a bag of frozen shrimp.

"Stomp calling me short! Stop saying that I'm a tiny little crustacean that can't fend for itself, you!" Ed wailed.

"I...didn't say all that. Right, right, whatever you worm. Let's cook something else then," Envy said, rummaging through the pile of food on the floor.

"What about chowder? Mom always used to make that for us," Al suggested.

"Great idea Al! What do we need for chowder?" Ed asked. Envy began rummaging through the food pile, pulling out necessary items.

"Clams...potatoes...chicory...and we need some milk," Envy said innocently with an evil gleam in his eyes, holding the necessary items.

"Never mind then!" Ed exclaimed, growling. Then he realized something. "Eewwww! Mom knew I hated milk and she still fed us chowder!"

"Yeah, Ed. She put milk in a lot of things! Most of the soups had milk in them, all the cakes had milk in them, and the ice cream..." Al explained.

"AARRRRGGGHHHHH!" Ed howled. Envy dropped the items he had collected.

"Well then, I guess we'll have to make something else, brother. Honestly, what could it hurt for you to just drink milk?" Envy asked. Ed glared. Envy shrugged. Al sighed. Ed continued to glare. Envy turned back to the pile of food.

"What about some roasted quail?" Envy asked.

"What's that?" Al asked.

"It's like a short, tiny, petite little chicken," Envy informed him.

"I SAID NOT TO CALL ME SHORT! And don't call me tiny! Or petite! Or Mini-Me! Or microscopic!" Ed screamed. Envy chose to ignore him.

"We could make casserole?" Al suggested.

"Nah, that has milk in it too," Envy replied.

"DEATH!" Ed screamed.

At that point in time, a large BANG was heard.

This was the type of bang that could only be created from a large, hard object colliding with a wooden wall.

"ENVY YOU BASTARD!" came a roar from the general direction of the loud bang.

This type of sound also could only be made by a large, hard, human-shaped object.

Greed, in his ultimate shield form, stomped into the kitchen.

"Oh, hello Greed! What brings you to my younger brothers' lovely home?" Envy asked, a big smile on his face.

"You know damn well what brings me here, you food-nabbing transvestite!" Greed replied.

Ed and Al just kinda...sidled away.

"Awww, but I told you it was for a good cause! I'm teaching my dear younger brothers to cook!" Envy retorted.

"I don't CARE what you're doing with it! Just give it back!" Greed demanded.

"Hmmm...no. But you're welcome to join us for dinner, Greed-kun!" Envy invited. Greed was ready with another insult, but stopped in his tracks.

"Whatcha cooking?" he asked. Envy shrugged.

"Every time someone suggests something, that little shrimp-"

"DON'T CALL ME A SHRIMP!"

"-decides there's something wrong with it," Envy finished.

"Well, why don't you make some spaghetti?" Greed suggested. The entire room got quiet.

"You know...that DOES sound good," Ed finally said.

"Makes me wish I had a stomach..." Al sighed.

"It's settled then! We'll make spaghetti!" Envy exclaimed, clapping his gloved hands together.

And so, the three Elric brothers and Greed sat down for a meal of spaghetti and meatballs, and had a merry old time. Until Greed started hitting on Envy. Envy shoved his face into his plate of spaghetti and ran away screaming. Ed ate obliviously, Al wallowed in self-pity, and Greed...

"GET BACK HERE YOU TRANSVESTITE FREAK!" Greed shouted, wiping spaghetti off of his face as he tore off into the night after the green-haired fruitcake.

And all was well...until NEXT TIME. Dun dun duuuunnn!

End of Chapter One

I warned you didn't I! DIDN'T I?