New World, Same Idiots

By Artikgato

Disclaimer: Fullmetal Alchemist is not mine. The creator would probably be scared at what I do with the characters.

Author's Notes: As usual, the Fullmetal characters all have their original bodies, personalities, and powers. All I really did was abduct them, stick them in a time machine, transport them to the future where everything is more modern-day, and shove them into all sorts of ridiculous situations.

There is a reference to the manga in this one, though. It's a shame that they left it out of the anime, but on two (or more?) separate occasions, Fuhrer Bradley hands Ed a melon, after saying something ridiculous. Ed then accepts the melon uneasily, and then squawks something like "WHAT!" in response to the ridiculous thing. Go check out manga volumes three and seven (at least I think three is right. I KNOW seven is right) and see for yourself.

Oh, and there's implied Greed/Envy, Roy/Ed, Ed/Winry AND Roy/Hawkeye in this chapter. BwuahahahahahaHA! For humorous purposes only. Don't flame me because you hate the couples, and don't flame me if you LIKE the couples but hate the fact that I'm making fun of them. Well, kinda. Go beat Kat with a live fish for the yaoi if you really want to.

This was inspired by a real-life trip to an ice-skating rink. 'Twas fun! And, more importantly, it gave me the chance to include Izumi and her husband, Scar, and Hoenhiem! Yay! And now...

Chapter Four: Fullmetal On Ice

"Wasn't it nice of Colonel Mustang to give you the day off, big brother?" Al asked, as he, Ed and Winry walked down the main street of Central.

"Yeah, just great," Ed grumbled. Mustang was up to something, he just knew it. That guy didn't do anything nice for anybody, save possibly for Lieutenant Hawkeye, without some ulterior motive.

Some wickedly evil ulterior motive, that would most likely lead to embarrassment on his part.

"And isn't it just such a wonderful coincidence that I happened to be visiting Central today, to check up on your automail?" Winry beamed at him. Ed rolled his eyes at her.

"So, what should we do for your day off, big brother?" Al asked, eyeing a nearby pet shop almost dreamily. Well, as dreamily as a giant suit of armor could look.

"We should go somewhere that Mustang would never, ever go," Ed replied, and at that point, the trio just happened to pass by a convenient ice-skating rink. Ed grinned.

"Perfect," he said with a slight cackle, and with that he grabbed Al by the hand and Winry by the elbow, dragging the two of them into the ice-skating rink.

Time Passes...

"So, you want to go ice-skating?" Winry stated the obvious as a question. They were all currently lacing up their skates in the lobby. Well, actually, Winry and Ed were. Well, technically Ed was only lacing up one skate. He'd used his awesome alchemic powers to not only turn the bottom of his automail foot into a super sharp blade (much to Winry's disdain), but also to give Al a pair of ice skates.

"I've never been before, so it might be fun!" Ed replied. "And, more importantly, that stupid Mustang would never come to a place like this."

"Ah?" Winry asked. "What would be the point of that?"

"You weren't in any of the other chapters of this ridiculous story. Let's just say, staying away from Mustang is a top priority for me right now. I'm actually surprised he didn't pop out of nowhere when I said that he would never come here," Ed replied. Out of sheer paranoia, he looked around, but much to his relief, he didn't see Mustang, or for that matter anyone he knew.

"You're acting weird...well, weirder than normal. What did you mean by 'story'?" Winry asked. Ed just waved a hand at her dismissively.

"Never mind. I'm just messing with your mind," he returned, and stood up, having finished lacing up his one ice skate. He didn't look horribly strange, though, because his pants covered both his rented skate and his hand-made skate nicely.

"Are you ready to go, big brother?" Al asked, brimming with excitement.

"Wait on me, guys!" Winry protested, quickly finishing with her skates. She stood, and the three of them entered the skating rink.

When a horrible feeling didn't descend on Ed, and he didn't see any State Alchemists, Homunculi, or anyone else that might have popped in and ruined his escapade on the ice, he sighed in relief.

"C'mon, then. Let's get on the ice!" he exclaimed, grabbing Winry's hand and pulling her along with him. She blushed, but didn't protest. Al was already on the ice, wobbling around crazily but still upright.

"Look big brother! I think I have the hang of it!" he exclaimed, only attracting the attention of a few random bystanders. Apparently, large skating suits of armor were common in this day and age.

In any case, Ed grinned and stepped out onto the ice...

...only to promptly fall backwards. Winry had the sense to let go of his hand before she, too, splatted on the ice.

"Agh!" Ed exclaimed, grabbing the wall and pulling himself to his feet. "Damn ice is slicker than I thought it would be!" he exclaimed. Winry giggled and skated up to him, only wobbling a little bit.

"Don't worry, Ed. You'll get the hang of it!" she exclaimed. Ed rolled his eyes, and started making his way around the rink, clinging to the wall for dear life.

He'd almost forgotten about the fact that Mustang had just given him the day off, no questions asked, after twenty minutes of skating. He was really starting to get the hang of this! It wasn't as hard as he thought it would be, and he'd only fallen three times after the first!

He glared over at Winry and Al, who were skating around the rink with giant grins on their faces, as if they'd been skating for their entire lives and not for a mere twenty minutes. Stupid Winry with her natural grace, and stupid Al with his surprisingly aerodynamic and perfectly balanced metal body!

Ed ground his teeth in frustration as he pushed off of the wall, determined to be able to skate without the assistance of the wall. And he would have been quite successful, if fate wasn't such a quirky thing with a horrible sense of humor. (Fate, the authoress, same difference!)

"You shouldn't grind your teeth, brother," came a distinctly...feminine voice from behind him. Ed jumped and managed, he still doesn't know how, to whip around. One of the random bystanders that had been skating around the rink like a pro was standing behind him, with a distinctly familiar grin.

"Envy?" Ed asked.

"Bingo!" the bystander exclaimed, in Envy's voice, before he transformed back into his 'normal', dark green-haired form.

"Aren't you cold?" Ed asked, with a raised eyebrow. Somehow, it didn't surprise him that Envy was here.

"Nope! Now, dear brother, I've noticed that you seem to be having a bit of trouble learning to skate. Want your big brother to teach you?" Envy asked, grinning evilly.

"No way! I'll learn on my own!" Ed refused with a huff, and turned to skate away.

Of course, he fell flat on his ass. Envy's giggling from behind him only served to reinforce the bloodlust that was bubbling up within him.

"ENVY!" he roared, jumping up and lunging at the Homunculus. Said Homunculus dodged to the side, and Ed went splatting into the wall gracelessly.

"Bleh!" Envy said, sticking his tongue out at Ed, before skating away. "Catch me if you can!"

And so, they were off. Envy was skating around gracefully, Ed was charging after him less than gracefully, but to his merit he didn't actually fall. He just ran headfirst into the wall a few times, and managed to knock over a total of seven people before he finally caught up to Envy.

"I'll kill you, you fruitcake!" Ed screeched, clapping his hands together and using alchemy to turn his automail arm into his customary blade-o-stabbiness. He charged, throwing back his hand to stab Envy, who had conveniently stopped skating and turned to face him...

And again, he tripped. This time, though, he was leaning so far forward in order to stab Envy that he fell on his face and skidded across the ice. He came to a stop right at the cackling Envy's feet.

"Oh Ed, you're hopeless," Envy said, skating off with a very girly giggle. Ed twitched, the flames of anger springing into his eyes.

"I'll give YOU hopeless, you sadistic TRANSVESTITE!" Ed yelled, clapping his hands together and pressing them against the ice. A chibi Ed-head sprang up out of the ice in front of Envy. Envy, of course, would have dodged it, if his attention wasn't currently distracted by something...else.

"Hello, Envy..." Greed said, grinning as he was pressed against the clear plastic wall Envy was currently skating by.

"Greed!" Envy shrieked in horror, and as he was paying more attention to the Homunculus of his nightmares and not to where he was skating, he plowed right into the Ed-head and fell over it, shrieking in fear and fury. Ed laughed, but it was short-lived as he realized that Greed was in the rink.

"Oh no! If Greed's here, then-" Ed's exclamation of terror was cut off by a shrill "WHEE!"

Dreading what he would see, Ed turned his head to look at the rest of the rink. There was Wrath, one hand being held by none other than a beaming Izumi Curtis, and the other being all but engulfed by a scowling (but I'm sure he meant to be beaming) Sig Curtis. In front of the...unique...trio was Sloth, who was skating backwards on what appeared to be literal ice skates, camcorder in hand as she filmed the...lovely scene for the three of them. Ed started backing away from his teacher involuntarily, but stopped himself when he realized that she wasn't going to be murdering him any time soon with Wrath around to distract her.

With that somehow comforting thought, Ed continued to look around the rink. He had to do a double-take at what he saw next. There was Scar, clinging to the wall for dear life, legs wobbling around dangerously. Lust was skating in circles next to him, grinning almost mockingly.

"Aww, c'mon Scar! It's easy! Do you want me to hold your hand?" Lust asked, playfully.

"NO!" Scar barked, and she pouted. A tumbling Gluttony went sliding past them.

"Lust! Help me!" he shrieked at her, but she ignored him as he went crashing into a wall.

"Well...at least only the Homunculi are here...kind of. If I sneak away now, I might-" Ed started, but his externally internal monologue was interrupted by a cry from behind him, one that he would have liked to go without hearing.

"Lookie, Elicia! It's your big brother Ed!" Hughes exclaimed. Hughes, Ed noted, seemed to be having a bit of difficulty in skating, as he was all but doubled over to hold his tiny daughter's hand as the pair skated up to him.

"Did you fall, big brother?" Elicia asked, concerned. Hughes squealed.

"Oh Elicia, you're so ADORABLE! Isn't she cute, Edward!" the older man demanded, as he picked her up and glomped her. Unfortunately, the act of picking her up caused him to lose his balance and fall down right beside Edward.

"Aww, daddy, you fell again!" Elicia exclaimed. Ed decided to use this distraction to his advantage and sneak away, toward one of the exits off of the ice.

"Fullmetal!" he heard from behind him, and nearly fell as he jumped. He turned, with quite some dread, to see Roy Mustang and Risa Hawkeye skating up to him from behind.

"Imagine, seeing you here of all places!" Roy exclaimed. Ed glared.

"Why are YOU here!" Ed demanded. Roy shrugged.

"Hawkeye and I come here all the time on our days off," Roy announced, and Ed twitched.

"But you only gave me the day off!" Ed protested.

"No, no, I never said that. This is a military holiday, you know, so we all have it off," Roy explained, patronizingly.

"Wait, military holiday? What military holiday?" Ed asked, dreading the answer.

"You're telling me you don't know that today is the Fuhrer's birthday, Edward?" Hawkeye asked, astonished. Before Ed could reply, a laughing Fuhrer Bradley skated up to the three of them.

"Yes, I'll be turning sixty today! I'm getting old!" the Fuhrer exclaimed, laughing again. Ed, Roy and Hawkeye laughed uneasily, even as a giant pink banner saying "HAPPY SIXTIETH BIRTHDAY, FUHRER PRESIDENT KING BRADLEY!" was unfurled over the scoreboard by some of the more random and nameless members of the military.

"I'm glad you could all make it! I'm happy to be celebrating my birthday with some of my closest friends, colleagues, and subordinates," the Fuhrer continued. He then turned to Ed, and handed him a melon. "Do you like melons?"

"Umm...thanks," Ed replied, awkwardly as he took the melon. "Wait, 'closest friends, colleagues and subordinates'? Why are the Homunculi here, then!" Ed squawked. The Fuhrer winked, but it was with the eye under the eyepatch, so nobody noticed.

"Are you forgetting that I, too, am a Homunculus?" Fuhrer Bradley replied.

"I sure haven't," Roy muttered, glaring murderously at the king of the military. Bradley just laughed. His skull was safe and sound tucked away at home, and all of the military and all the rest of the Homunculi were all here. Bradley knew that Roy wasn't stupid enough to try to assassinate him here.

"Well then! I'm going to go enjoy my birthday cake! Care to join me?" Bradley offered.

"Umm...no thanks," Ed replied.

"I'd love to, but I have...other matters to attend to," Hawkeye politely refused.

"Yes, so do I...shall we, Hawkeye?" Roy added, grabbing her arm and skating away furiously. Ed just skated away with a fake smile plastered on his face, trying his best not to trip in front of the president of the military.

"Well...this couldn't possibly get any worse, could it?" Ed asked himself, looking around the skating rink in dismay. Sloth, Wrath, Izumi and her husband were skill skating around happily. Al and Winry were also skating around happily, and Winry was now skating around with Elicia as a beaming Hughes struggled along behind them. The Fuhrer was eating cake with some of the random nameless state alchemists. Gluttony had heard the word 'cake' and was struggling to make his way over to the banquet area. Lust was still teasing a still struggling Scar. Envy was skating away from Greed at breakneck speeds, the former darting all over the place in terror and the latter shouting lewd remarks at the long-haired Homunculus.

"Everyone, look at me! I am demonstrating an ice-skating technique that has been passed down through the Armstrong family for generations!" exclaimed the shirtless colonel Armstrong as he passed by Ed on one skate with his other leg thrown behind him, frozen in a 'mighty flex' position.

"SHUT UP, ARMSTRONG!" Everyone exclaimed. Ed just put his head in his hands. This was not happening. This was all just a bad dream!

Envy's screams of terror suddenly became screams of rage, and Ed looked up curiously. There, on the other side of the rink, was a frightened looking blonde-haired father of his.

"HOENHEIM!" he screamed in rage and darting off across the rink (and miraculously managing not to fall). Envy shrieked in rage, Greed all but forgotten in favor of the brutal murder of his father.

"EEP!" Hoenheim exclaimed, skating away from one murderous son right into the path of the other.

"Hello, father!" Ed exclaimed, lunging at Hoenheim with his arm-blade held high.

"Agghah!" Hoenheim exclaimed, and barely managed to dodge Ed as he sped toward, and past, him. Envy caught up to him, and Hoenheim led him on a frantic chase around the rink. Ed managed to stop himself...on a wall. As Hoenheim jumped out of the rink at the nearest exit and ran for the hills, Greed skated up to Ed, who was twitching on the ice.

"Need a hand up, half-pint?" he asked, laughing.

"DON'T CALL ME A HALF-PINT! DON'T CALL ME SHORTY! OR MIDGET! OR 'HEIGHT CHALLENGED'!" Ed roared. Greed just chuckled, and picked the alchemist up by the back of his jacket. Ed glared at him, begrudgingly.

"Why do you always chase Envy around anyways?" Ed asked, mildly curious. Greed grinned.

"Because it's so damn funny!" the Homunculus exclaimed, and then skated away to renew the chase for Envy. Ed sweatdropped.

"Ed!" Al exclaimed as he, Winry, Elicia, and eventually Hughes skated up to him.

"Oh, hey guys!" Ed exclaimed, smiling.

"Looks like you're finally getting the hang of this!" Winry said. Ed just nodded.

"Yeah, I saw you chasing down dad. You were great! I didn't know you could skate that fast without falling!" Al praised. At that point, Roy and Hawkeye passed by them.

"Yes, Fullmetal, it seems that your ice-skating skills are finally growing up! Too bad that's the only thing!" Roy teased, chuckling cruelly. Ed twitched, and took off after him.

"Ed!" Al exclaimed, but went unheard. Ed zoomed past Roy and Hawkeye, slowing down once he was past them.

"Gee, Colonel, it's a pretty sad state of affairs when you have to hit on underage boys! Could it be you've finally realized that Lieutenant Hawkeye is too good for the likes of you?" Ed insulted, cackling evilly and darting away. Roy twitched, raising one gloved hand into the air. Hawkeye, who was blushing (though very faintly), looked on in alarm.

"Colonel!" she exclaimed, and dropped down on her skates to kick his feet out from under him, thus preventing him from snapping his fingers and melting the entire ice-skating rink. She, for one, was having a good time, and wanted to continue to.

As a result, Roy went skidding across the ice on his face, frantically trying to stop himself any way possible. Ed circled around to point and laugh at the older alchemist, who was up and on his skates nearly the instant he stopped skidding.

"Fullmetal RUNT!" he exclaimed. Ed twitched.

"Child molester!" Ed returned. Everyone on the rink had stopped to watch the fight in fierce anticipation. Ed and Roy skated to a stop on opposite sides of the rink.

"How dare you damage my good name like that with your slander, you little shrimp!" Roy fumed.

"Don't call me a shrimp, you flaming homo!" Ed returned. With that, Roy raised his hand and got ready to snap. Ed dropped to the ground, clapping his hands together and pressing them against the ice. The ice around Roy began to rise up around him, trapping him in a 'bubble' of ice. The ice simply exploded, a wet Flame Alchemist skating away from the brand new puddle on the floor. Ed repeated, and a series of spikes shot out of the ice, Roy darting around them and blowing up the ones he couldn't dodge.

Before any more carnage could commence, the manager of the rink ran out onto the ice, blowing a whistle.

"Stop! Stop blowing up my rink, you damn alchemists! Get out! OUT!" the manager bellowed. Ed and Roy sweatdropped.

"Er, sorry?" Ed apologized, even as he was heading for the exit to the rink.

"He started it!" Roy protested, but nevertheless he too was heading for the exit.

"Nice going, colonel. Now we're probably banned from coming here," Hawkeye berated, as he passed her. He whimpered forlornly.

"Do you think we're banned from here now, big brother?" Al asked, in a voice that suggested that, were he a human and not a giant suit of armor currently, he would have had giant, tear-filled eyes. Ed sweatdropped.

"Probably..." Winry sighed.

"Can we stay?" the Fuhrer called from the sidelines.

"No...your friend there is eating the table. I must ask you to leave as well," the manager said, exasperated. The Fuhrer, his nameless state alchemists, Lust, Scar, Sloth, Wrath, Izumi, Sig, and Armstrong all shot Gluttony dirty looks. Gluttony just burped.

"Can I eat him?" he asked, pointing to the now horrified manager.

"Go ahead. Don't leave an eyelash," the Fuhrer said, with an approving pat on Gluttony's bald head.

And, with help from Sloth and the present alchemists, the rink was fixed and everyone was able to enjoy it for the rest of the day, even Roy and Ed, who were forced to form a truce for the rest of the day by everyone present.

And everybody was happy! Yay!

End Chapter Four

Seriously, don't expect a chapter five. Ever. I might get a random weird idea from watching Fullmetal, or cosplaying, but I seriously doubt it. This is the end, people. On that note, thanks to all my readers and reviewers!