Title: For The Best
Summary: Sara has a difficult decision to make, but will Grissom support her?
Disclaimer: Time for the copy and paste ... not ... mine. Okay?
Author's Note: My fault for listening to depressing music all day (Joy Division, Echo and the Bunnymen, The Cure, Finch) and reading depressing books. I'm sorry.
"Grissom?" Sara stuck her around his office door, simultaneously keeping an eye out for any stray CSIs heading in her direction.
Grissom looked up from his laptop screen and smiled. "Hey, honey, what seems to be the problem? Come in," he greeted her warmly. Never would he get used to the warm feeling that flooded his body every time he saw her; he didn't think he would ever grow accustomed to the fact she was his.
Sara smiled her thanks rather blandly, with none of her usual sparkle. Lethargically, she dropped into a chair opposite his desk and heaved a heavy sigh.
"Is something wrong?" Grissom asked, perturbed by her flattened mood. He removed his glasses and set them down on top of a manilla file, standing up and holding out a hand to her. "Come over here, come sit on the couch." He felt her thin hand slip into his, and he gently guided her over to more comfortable seating. He sat her down gently and took a seat next to her, his body facing hers, his hands not relinquishing her hands. "Come on, sweetheart, you can tell me," he whispered.
"Gil ... I'm pregnant." She couldn't bring herself to look at him. Couldn't bring herself to acknowledge the fact it was her fault that it had happened - telling him there was nothing to worry about ... four months into their relationship, she had already maaged to fuck it up.
Grissom frowned thoguthfully. "Okay. When did you find out?" He wasn't expecting to find news of such a ... development ... to not make such an impact on him. Maybe this was when his detachment issues started kicking in.
This was the bit Sara was dreading. "Two months. I'm pretty much two months gone. I knew pretty much straight away. You know, that morning you were eating an range, and I just went and heaved?" He gave her a slight nod. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner," she breathed. "I just ... I was scared. I still am."
Grissom bit his lip. "That's understandable. It's not every day you find out you're pregnant. That's a pretty big thing." Yep, this was detachment, all right. He looked into her eyes. "What do you want to do?"
"That's what I've spent so much time thinking about. That's why I didn't tell you straight away. You're not angry, are you?"
"Of course not. Why would I be angry? Have you made a decision yet?"
"That's what I wanted to talk to you about. I don't know what you want." She smiled sadly.
"I want whatever makes you happy," he said earnestly.
"Do you want kids?"
"I can't say I have any desire for a family of my own," he confessed. "But if that's what you want then ..." he added quickly.
Sara shook her head. "Neither have I," came her whispered admission. "I wasn't sure what your stance was."
Grissom squeezed her hand. "It's not like we've talked about it," he assured her. "We don't really spend much time talking about stuff like that." A ghost of a smile flitted across his face. "Firstly, I enjoy it just being the two of us. We've waited long enough, I'm not ready to share you yet." He smiled bleakly. "I know that sounds selfish, but it's true," he added somberly. "And also, I don't know if I'd be a good father. I'm self-centered, solitary, I value my independence. I still have time when I go off and space out."
"I know," Sara sighed. They were still at that point in her relationship when she would sometimes wake up, and the only sign of him would be a note on his side of the bed, telling her he had gone for a drive and that he had his cell with him if she needed him.
"What are you going to do?" He pressed gently. "Because you know I'll be there whatever you decide to do."
Sara heaved another sigh, this one pained. "I'll book myself into a clinic as soon as I can. I'll need a couple of days off after the procedure." Her voice was shaky.
Grissom sawllowed, with some difficulty. "Okay," he croaked. "Let me know what date you book it for, and I'll book us both the days off." At the look on her face, he explained. "Honey, I'm coming with you," he told her. "And I'll need to look after you afterwards."
"Griss ..." Sara began wearily.
"No, Sara." He cut her off sharply. "Sara, I'm just as responsible as you, and it would be wrong of me to be here at work, whilst you're at ... y'know." His expression became troubled. "Sara, I'm going to be there for you," he told her, his thumb caressing her hand.
"I appreciate that," Sara mumbled, staring at their joined hands.
"You need the rest of the day off?"
"I'll be okay."
Grissom slipped his arm around her and squeezed her gently. "You need anything, let me know," he said into her hair. He stood, then helped her up and escorted her to the door, giving her a comforting smile.
"You still in pain?" Grissom leaned against the bathroom door and spoke around a mouthful of toothpaste. Sara was curled up on their bed, hands cradled protectively over her stomach. The D and C had been performed earlier that day, and they had come straight home, Grissom putting her to bed immediately. He had been doting on her hand and foot for the rest of the day, taking her drinks, giving her warm towels for her lower back, supplying her regularly with painkillers, brushing her hair from her face. It killed him to see her in pain.
"Uh," came her groan. "Not as bad as earlier," came her pained reply.
Grissom returned to the bathroom and finished cleaning his teeth, then slowly padded back into the bedroom. He flipped the lights off and slid into bed next to Sara, slipping his hand under the ones on her stomach, rubbing and massaging gently. "Is there anything I can do?" he whispered in her ear, sounding almost desperate. Right now, he would do anything to stop her pain. He would cut off his own arm for her, he would do whatever it took to make her feel better.
Sara leaned back into him, grateful for the relief his hands were providing. "You've already done more than enough," she whispered.
"I haven't," he said. His hand stroked her stomach tenderly, trying to relieve some of the pain and soreness. The doctors told her should be suffering for cramps for two days at least. "Do you need some more sanitary towels?" She had been haemorrhaging quite severely, much to Gil's distress.
If it had been another person, another man, had been this doting, this caring, she might have considered it stifling. But this was different. She could feel how much he was suffering, how her pain was affecting him. He wasn't mourning for a clump of cells that had been snuggled in her womb, he was mourning for how she was feeling. "Honey, I'm fine," she assured him. "I just need rest."
"And fluids. And warm compresses. And love and care," he finished. He laid his head on the back of hers, pressing a kiss the base of her skull. "You need anything, you let me know. Okay?"
"Mm hmm," she mumbled. "Oh, and something I was meaning to tell you. The doctors recommended no sex for a week or so. Give me ..."
"Give you time to heal," he said. He squeezed her gently, nuzzling her hair. "It's okay," he confirmed.
"You sure?" She turned to face him gingerly, wincing slightly.
Grissom cupped her face and stroked her cheek with his thumb. "Sara, you think I'd insist on us making love after this? Honey, I'd say you need to have longer than a week to recover. Not just physically ... mentally. I'll wait for you to initiate. And you know I'm not here for purely for sex." He took a deep breath. "I love you," he breathed.
Sara blinked and looked deep into his eyes. "Gil ... that's the first time you've said that."
"I mean it. I was sure the first day we got together, but now seems the right time to tell you. I love you, Sara, and I'm not going anywhere, I'm not forcing you to do anything you don't want to do - I'm here for you."
"I love you, too, Gil." She closed her eyes and rested her head on his chest.
"Get some sleep," he whispered in her ear. She may have dropped off pretty soon, but he didn't fall into slumber for another hour or so.